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Thread: Should I not have told him?

  1. #1
    whoahnellie is offline Member
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    Should I not have told him?

    My partner and I have been seeing each other about 5 months now. Its been rough with 4 breakups along the way (3 by me). I am very attracted to him, love being with him, and we have a lot in common but sexually I have only had 2 orgasms. I told him a few times things that help me have them but he either doesnt do them or only does them for a very short time. The cultural origins he is from has very conservative views of sex and there are a lot of things off the menu so to speak. I have never been thrilled about it but he has also given hope that slowly he may come around to doing some of the things.

    A few weeks ago we had sex and it was great but again I did not climax. He asked if I had the problem with any previous lovers. I thought to lie for a minute then decided to be honest and said "no". He looked kind of horrified and rolled over away from me and got very sad and said "I'm not good enough." I tried very hard to reassure him it wasnt him but that he still wasnt doing the things I need (he hadn't even heard of the word foreplay). I asked if his prior gf's had orgasms and he said "I dont know". I asked if he ever talked with them about it and he said "No!" and seemed very annoyed so I dropped it.

    He seemed ok when he was leaving that day but the next week he seemed very distant and I hardly heard from him as often as usual. He also seemed to be trying to start fights with me when I did see him the next week and one night we were supposed to get together I mentioned he seemed distant and asked why he hadnt called much that week etc. He said he felt like the relationship wasnt going anywhere. We had just spent a week of overnights together for the first time and I was very caught off guard. I asked if had said or done something the prior week that upset him. He said "yes a few things". I asked what and he said he didnt want to talk about it. I asked him to please tell me. He mentioned the orgasm conversation and said "Look I dont know how it works.. and apparently some women can have them some cant.. some fake them.. I just dont get it." Then he went on about how he has to focus on his new job and we should maybe break up. Unfortunately, I was very hurt and angry and started getting snippy said "Ok so then we're terminating this?!" He didnt respond. I said "Is that what you want??" He started crying lightly. I said "Why are you crying I'm the one being dumped! End it already if thats what you want" He said he didnt know how and asked if we could be friends. I said "No.. just go" but neither of us hung up. I said "Say goodbye!" He said "Part of me still wants to be with you". Then I started crying. He finally said goodbye and we hung up.

    I called him about 5 days later. He picked up to my astonishment. I asked how he was and he said work was very stressful and talked about it for about 15 minutes then asked how I was doing. I told him and then told him I missed him. He just made kind of a noise. I said "I guess that means you dont miss me?" He said "No I do.. I'm just trying to focus on my new job right now.. and I dont want to get into a conversation about what we already talked about" I told him I was pulling up to my bank and had to go. He said his phone was dying and then said bye. I texted him last night late that I missed him. He texted me back early this morning that he misses me too.

    I dont know what to do. I dont know if I should text him back and ask to see him either. I would like prefer he did it if he's even feeling that.
    Last edited by whoahnellie; 08-26-2014 at 12:50 AM.

  2. #2
    gorillagirl Guest
    you have 3 choices really...accept crappy sex, insist that he learn to please you orally (or however) or let him go. he's unlikely to come around sexually because he's already closed minded/rigid about it but if you insist upon it as a condition of being sexual with him, maybe he'll try harder. truth is, if you're assertive about it, it will only benefit him to get used to it. most women will expect it. so you're doing him a favor for his sexual future. if not, find someone else you don't have to negotiate with for your orgasms. attraction is no basis for a relationship. compatibility is. you two are not sexually compatible. you can have him in your life as a platonic friend, btw.

  3. #3
    Triumphrider is offline Member
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    I guess a man's perspective might be helpful.

    I believe you were right in telling him about the fact that he hasn't been able to give you orgasms. However, I think you should have been more specific in telling him that there is nothing inadequate about him physically, just that his technique isn't up to par. He needs to know that what he is doing is not enough if his goal is to give you orgasms. His "conservative" views on sex are largely bull****. He cannot have non-marital sex with a woman while, at the same time, claiming that certain things are off the table because they offend his "conservative" views. His not knowing about the things a man must do might be a result of some conservative culture where sexual matters are not discussed but he has opted have sex with a woman outside of marriage. Plus he brought up the topic.

    The thing is, all he has to do is read a few online articles on how to bring a woman to orgasm and learn how to do things while having sex with you. Assure him you will be patient as he learns but he has to be willing to put forth the effort.

  4. #4
    whoahnellie is offline Member
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    Yeah I've been thinking about being just friends with him. I texted him last night that I miss him. It was pretty late and he tends to go to bed early. He texted me back at 7am this morning that he misses me too. I dont know what to do. I was half expecting/hoping for another text from him suggesting we get together but he didnt and I am too afraid to ask to see him for fear of rejection.
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  5. #5
    NY10's Avatar
    NY10 is offline Senior Member
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    There is never anything wrong wih honesty. I think if you are in a relationship with someone that you should be able to share everything the good and the bad and everything in between, in a sexual relationship you should be able to tell your partner everything. If things are not to your liking or you want to try something different explore not being satisfied there is nothing wrong with sharing that with the person you are intimate with. Sharing only helps bring you closer. If he is unable to make changes in the bedroom to help make the sex more satisfying and enjoyable then I am sure there are other areas he won't change in either and that can lead to bigger problems down the line. His behavior of going silent and getting angry shows immaturity and not being able to have an adult relationship with a woman who knows what she wants and needs to satisfy her.

    You have reached out and done what you could my advice to you is now wait for him to make further contact. If he misses you and wants a friendship he will text and check in on you, if he claims to be busy with work and you don't hear from him then you know what time it is with him and you can start the process of moving on.
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  6. #6
    fiorinda's Avatar
    fiorinda is offline Senior Member
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    Of course you should have told him!! When and how you told him were maybe not the best, but it's done and can't be undone (usually best not to get into a critique right after or during sex). Do you really want to be in a relationship with bad sex? Might seem OK for now while you still really fancy him and it's all relatively new, but later down the line when the shine has worn off a bit, it is probably going to be a HUGE deal.

    I was 'really attracted to' my ex YM, and at first I thought the sex was great, but actually it wasn't. The anticipation of the sex was great. The sex itself was mediocre to poor, and I could only orgasm if I did it myself. He was totally focused on his own orgasms. None of it was about me. I've been really lucky because the YM I'm now engaged to is both really considerate and really observant. My ex was inclined to think there was something wrong with me that I didn't orgasm with him, he was adamant ALL his previous girlfriends had and that none of them had been faking, ever (yeah, right!). I'd love him to know that I orgasm EVERY time with my fiance.

    Many men are ill- or woefully under-informed about female sexual response. And unfortunately many women collude in that by not talking about what works for them or by just faking. So good for you for being honest with him!

    Give him a bit of time - but actually let him really miss you, don't keep contacting him. Go out and have fun with your friends, live your life, don't let him think you're sitting at home pining for him (even if sometimes you are). He may come back with his tail between his legs (so to speak!) and a willingness to learn and improve, he may come back unwilling to learn, in which case, put him in the friendzone and keep him there or lose him altogether. Or he may not come back/you may find you don't want him back.

    How far into other areas of his life do these conservative values spread? If you were to live together, how would they affect your life? Would he allow you to retain control over your own finances for example? Would he be OK with you continuing to see your own friends, spending 'me' time, being relatively independent? Those things would worry me as much (if not more) than the thought of rubbish shex for the rest of my life. If he's not even prepared to open up and try new things sexually, and won't even consider the possibility that your sexual pleasure is as important as his, I'd be very concerned about how he'd deal with the other bits of my life with him that he might have those conservative views about! Tread carefully.

    All in all, I'd say it doesn't sound like it's worth pursuing. But love is an odd thing and only you can decide if you do consider it worth the work. But don't settle for mediocre or bad sex. This man is not the only man in the world! Good luck!!
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  7. #7
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    Imagine this scenario after you two had sex:

    You: Did you enjoy the sex?
    Him: Yes but, to be honest, my previous girlfriends have been better than you.

    How would you feel after this? Would you ask him to tell you how to improve? What if the suggestions he makes are something you rather not do?

    I am a woman for whom finding a man who gives me orgasms is the exception, and not the rule, and I learned that you cannot turn a bad lover into a great one by giving him an instruction manual.

    If he has a delicate ego, the relationship may be beyond repair... but it was going to happen anyways, unless you are ok with a mediocre sex life.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  8. #8
    MissMuffins's Avatar
    MissMuffins is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by whoahnellie View Post
    My partner and I have been seeing each other about 5 months now. Its been rough with 4 breakups along the way (mostly me). I am very attracted to him, love being with him, and we have a lot of sex but I have only had 2 orgasms. I told him a few times things that help me have them but he either doesnt do them or only does them for a very short time. The cultural origins he is from has very conservative views of sex and there are a lot of things off the menu so to speak. I have never been thrilled about it but he has also given hope that slowly he may come around to doing some of the things I would like to.

    A few weeks ago we had sex and it was great but again I did not climax. He asked if I had the problem with any previous lovers. I thought to lie for a minute then decided to be honest and said "no". He looked kind of horrified and rolled over away from me and got very sad and said "I'm not good enough." I tried very hard to reassure him it was that but that he still wasnt doing the things I need (he hadn't even heard of the word foreplay). I asked if his prior gf's had orgasms and he said "I dont know". I asked if he ever talked with them about it and he said "no!" and seemed very annoyed so I dropped it.

    He seemed ok when he was leaving that day but the next week he seemed very distant and I hardly heard from him as often as usual. He also seemed to be trying to start fights with me when I did see him the next week and one night we were supposed to get together I mentioned he seemed distant and asked why he hadnt called much that week etc. He said he felt like the relationship wasnt going anywhere. We had just spent a week of overnights together for the first time and I was very caught off guard. I asked if had said or done something the prior week that upset him. He said "yes a few things". I asked what and he said he didnt want to talk about it. I asked him to please tell me. He mentioned the orgasm conversation and said "Look I dont know how it works.. and apparently some women can have them some cant.. some fake them.. I just dont get it." Then he went on about how he has to focus on his new job and we should maybe break up. Unfortunately, I was very hurt and angry and started getting snippy said "Ok so then we're terminating this?!" He didnt respond. I said "Is that what you want??" He started crying lightly. I said "Why are you crying I'm the one being dumped! End it already if thats what you want" He said he didnt know how and asked if we could be friends. I said "No.. just go" but neither of us hung up. I said "Say goodbye!" He said "Part of me still wants to be with you". Then I started crying. He finally said goodbye and we hung up.

    I called him about 5 days later. He picked up to my astonishment. I asked how he was and he said work was very stressful and talked about it for about 15 minutes then asked how I was doing. I told him and then told him I missed him. He just made kind of a noise. I said "I guess that means you dont miss me?" He said "No I do.. I'm just trying to focus on my new job right now.. and I dont want to get into a conversation about what we already talked about" I told him I was pulling up to my bank and had to go. He said his phone was dying and then said bye. I texted him last night late that I missed him. He texted me back early this morning that he misses me too.

    I dont know what to do. I dont know if I should text him back and ask to see him either. I would like prefer he did it if he's even feeling that.
    He asked.
    You answered truthfully.

    For him to get all butt-hurt about it is nothing other than immature, no matter what his age. To later insinuate that it's possible you can't climax and/or you should just fake it to please him is inexcusable. To pull this "I'm hurt and I'm not speaking to you until you make up with me" routine is manipulative.

    You've given him direction and encouragement as to what pleases you sexually. He chose to either follow those suggestions halfheartedly or in effect tell you "that's off the menu". It's apparent he just isn't that interested in being a good lover...to any woman, from any culture.

    Sex isn't everything in a relationship, but when it's not good sex it can fast become the only thing. In your situation, I wouldn't look for ways to blame myself for not having broken the news to him gently enough and thus place responsibility for the situation on me. This isn't a matter of you having said the wrong thing or saying the right thing in an unkind way; it's a matter of him not liking your answer and then being a baby about it.

    Instead, I'd take the job excuse he's handing out as a convenient exit and move on with choosing another partner.

    It's okay to end a relationship for no other reason than because someone is not the right "nice guy" or "nice gal" for you.

    *hugs*

    MM
    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

  9. #9
    whoahnellie is offline Member
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    Thanks for input all. I still dont think he should have said those things to me.. I feel he led me on with them. I feel he should have said "Look I'm sorry but I dont feel the same way and like I said in the beginning this cant last".. and I think he should have left. To tell someone you feel the same and wish you buy them a house... WTF?
    There are more and more older women younger men scenarios (and btw its the men who chase the older women in almost every case)... right or wrong I dont know... but Ive read about quite a few success stories and the relationsips/marriages have lasted just as long as regular marriages and some of the women even have a child or they adopt. I know what he said in the beginning but I thought he was starting to feel serious especially the night he said how compatible he felt we are and he likes being with someone older.
    Last edited by whoahnellie; 08-25-2014 at 07:48 PM.

  10. #10
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    In one of your first posts you asked if he was using you. This is a question I always asked myself at the beginning of a relationship. Being used can happen in OW/YM, YW/OM, and same age relationships. It can happen to women, it can happen to men. Unfortunately we can't read minds to know if the "I love you" and the "I want to marry you" are just ways to play the game or if they are sincere.

    Do not beat yourself over the fact that you got involved in an OW/YM relationship and it failed. This has nothing to do with the ages of the parties but with the integrity of one of the parties.

    It is easy to say at the beginning of a relationship:

    "I do not think this will work or be forever because you..."
    are older
    are younger
    want children
    do not want children
    blah blah blah

    And then at the end, he/she can wash their hands and say... "Oh but I told you so at the beginning", when he/she knew perfectly well that the other person was falling in love and was going to end up being hurt.
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    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  11. #11
    whoahnellie is offline Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by SheLikesKitties View Post
    It is easy to say at the beginning of a relationship:

    "I do not think this will work or be forever because you..."
    are older
    are younger
    want children
    do not want children
    blah blah blah

    And then at the end, he/she can wash their hands and say... "Oh but I told you so at the beginning", when he/she knew perfectly well that the other person was falling in love and was going to end up being hurt.
    So he couldn't have meant any of the things he said.

  12. #12
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    I don't know if he meant them or not. When my YM and I started our relationship, and I would ask him how long our relationship would last, (what a stupid question) he would say, "let's ride it until it crashes". The first time we met, he clearly said to me that it was an adventure. He would also send me poems asking me "walk down the isle" with him... even before we met. We would also tell each other "I love you" before we met.

    When you hear such a crazy combination of opposing sentiments, you can't do anything but to doubt the truth of it all. People get infatuated, they believe it's love, but it's not. It can even happen to you. So I do not take it personally or be cynic about it. That's the way life is.

    I have an OW friend (56) whose husband (10 years younger) now decided he wants children. She has two adult sons and does not want a baby. It may break their marriage of 15 years. There are no guarantees.

    Sorry for my ramble.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  13. #13
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    xhenli is offline Senior Member
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    My suggestion for going forward is to get really clear with yourself about what you want out of a relationship. Other than the "falling in love" (of course we all want that!). But what do you expect of yourself? of the other? of how it progresses? of where it ends? what is the part of sex in it? Of course you can't control everything in life, but if you get an idea of the kind of relationship you want to live, then you can be clearer on if the men you meet and the experiences you have with them actually fall within the kind of person who is going to same direction you are going, and what is and is not okay with you.

    From what you reported, I also got the sense that he is rather immature and does not know himself, and is not prepared to be the other half of a real relationship. Sounds like the sex was the main deal for him. Doesn't mean he's a bad person. Just sometimes we don't get relationship (inc. sexual) skills unless we go after them on purpose, or sometimes from the school of hard knocks.
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  14. #14
    Consumedbyhim's Avatar
    Consumedbyhim is offline Neophyte
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    You absolutely did the right thing. What if you did lie to him? Then he would go on believing you are satisfied when you clearly are not. Is that fair to you? No it isn't. You tried to give him direction and he did not follow so that falls on him. Relationships are not based only on sex but sex is part of it and if its not good for both involved sooner or later it is going to become a problem. My ym happens to be amazing in bed, infact he is the best i've ever had and he is open to new things as am i. We are perfectly compatible and aren't afraid to tell each other to "do this or do that". He is not happy unless he satisfies me first, and that's the way it should be. My needs are important to him as his are to me.

    I think if you really miss him and want to try to work things out with him you have to sit him down and just tell him how you feel. Explain to him that you need some type of foreplay, and what that may be. If he still refuses to try things as you request, then he is not being fair to you and your needs and as far as i'm concerned you need to move on and find someone who is more compatible with you. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but think about it. If you think you can continue on with him the way things are and have a happy, healthy relationship then by all means go for it, BUT do not complain when you get frustrated with him for not satisfying you because you chose that road.

    Good luck with whatever you decide.
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  15. #15
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    Pickles is offline Senior Member
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    You did the right thing.

    I put up with non inspirational VHS script sex for years.

    I was rather asexual for most of my years so it wasn't a big problem. I never played with myself since my large chest and little girly arms and hands make the attempt already circus event level contortion. sensitive chest makes for an easy warm up if a guy pays attention. It works mildly for me.

    I have almost orgasmed once with my wretched Ex hubby (who when angry and looking to cheat would go on about my frigidness *yawn*)and once with a man younger than me by a couple years that I later found had reputation as man*****. It was close enough to make me curious.
    But for the life of me I thought my friends were all cuckoo in the head when they went on and on about sex.
    Partly my catholic upbringing but mostly my Asperger's. I'm quite a troll in my humor, I WILL laugh at naked people, ESPECIALLY men.

    I don't think I shall ever really like oral other than a little appetizer jolt. Sensitive flesh.
    But my young man , though even more orthodox in upbringing than I (Polish Catholic) has always been asking, adjusting , practicing, and experimenting. Always the communicator in love life, arguments, future plans and current events. Now that I've had that O, I won't settle for less. But without asking and answering truthful, I probably never would have seen it... and without his being wiling Though I told him to start when he decided his intent, I had not really had one and wasn't sure why. I like sex okay. It is not like I endure it stoically like some Victorian heroine. But it was not far in priority against having my back thoroughly scratched or truly enjoying a favorite food.

    Once he got that key he went in and out of that door madly. He is an intense and hotly passionate person underneath a quiet, emo, efficient, pragmatic exterior. But he also has good quirky humor and can laugh at the curve pitches. It's made him an easy and quickly addictive lover for certain. And he has foul plans to step up his game and the intensity of my reaction.. hope he doesn't kill me. But what a way to go...

    But with out trial and error (which lasted all of one night before he got it right) he could have never been able to please me so thorough. see a pretty good future as a pair despite us not being mainstream.

    Your guy had to know, but maybe he has not yet seen it a challenge or... he has a fragile ego (which are hard to feed and care for ...my X showed me that)
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