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Thread: How hard can you be on your YM?

  1. #1
    whoahnellie is offline Member
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    How hard can you be on your YM?

    One of the things I really struggled with with the YM I was dating was how hard to be on him about things. Sometimes I felt I couldnt be hard at all because of his age and lack of experience. Example: he would whine about his job and having to work in general and how it seemed like slavery that people had to work 40 hours a week the rest of their lives. NOt that I dont disagree with him totally but he would whine constantly about it after he started his job. He even grunted about it in his sleep. I found myself feeling more like his mother at times than his lover and it felt really weird particuarly given I always dated older men all my life.

    How do any of you deal with this kind of thing?

  2. #2
    gorillagirl Guest
    sounds to me you really need to date men your own age right now. one ends up being motherly or big-sisterly or older womanly to all people on some levels at various times. not on all levels but but definitely on some. comes with the territory of being the more experienced person, no matter what the age of the person. for example, now, i'm now mothering my 79 year old dad at times because he's losing his memory. not all YM need support in the same areas. for some, it's dealing with the realities of work. for some, it's paying bills on time. for some, it's housecleaning. for some, it's not drugging/drinking. for some, it's making more time for the woman and taking less time for gaming...whatever it is... but yup, any time an older person is closely involved with a younger person, sexually or not, it's part of the deal. seems obvious, yeh? in my case, the YM i live with (we love each other dearly but we are not a couple) is far more patient than i am. exponentially so. there are times when he "parents" me with his calmer demeanor. when i get frustrated with his weaknesses, i just try to appreciate him for his strengths and work on my own deficits. i work with much younger people. same issues apply to those relationships. we are the older person, we deal with their growing pains.
    Last edited by gorillagirl; 10-23-2014 at 01:26 PM.

  3. #3
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    It depends on the man and on you. Please note I say MAN and not YM, because it can also happen with men your own age or older.
    IMHO you should determine exactly what (in your man) can be changed/improved and what will never improve. Try to change what can be changed, try to adapt or accept what can't be changed, or leave him.

    What is a bummer is the constant nagging. After a point, nagging (or mothering) does not work and life becomes hell on earth for both of you. This kills love.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  4. #4
    fiorinda's Avatar
    fiorinda is offline Senior Member
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    I don't think that sounds like an age thing, whoahnellie! He just sounds like a moany person. My ex-husband was (is) terribly grumpy and negative. He was only 3 months younger than me! I suspect he hated my slovenliness. Everyone is different.

    I think it's easy to mistake wanting your partner to do things differently around the home with being 'motherly' if they are substantially younger than you. I was listening to a friend recently complaining about the things her husband doesn't do around the home, that she just gets on and does because she's given up trying to get him to do them, or how if he does them it's not the way she would like them done. She's 37 and he is 40.

    Obviously, being with a younger person, there are always going to be things they are just starting to do that we take or have taken for granted (like working full time maybe, or studying or paying bills). There are also going to be things we are new to that they take for granted - newer technologies for example. It's all two-sided.

    To be brutally honest, if I was with someone who constantly complained about having to do something almost everyone else also had to do (so, just life then!) I'd have to tell them to STFU and stop being so precious!!

    But this YM is gone from your life, so you don't need to thrash over this particular problem any longer. The next person you meet, regardless of their age, may be happy to go out to work, they may love their job, or they may just accept it's what we all have to do to live, and just get on with it Whatever their attitude is it won't necessarily be anything to do with their age. There will no doubt be something else about them that irritates you. Do you think you would deal differently with this if the man were your own age or older? How have you dealt with things that annoyed you about previous, peer-aged partners/lovers? There aren't really any useful generalisations to be made on this subject, it's all about how you would deal with this, and whether you would behave differently depending on the man's age. I do find that Lee is far more open to suggestion on how to do stuff he's not familiar with than my ex-husband was (not difficult at all!!) but that might be the case if they were the same age, it might not and I'll never know so I don't even think about it.
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  5. #5
    fiorinda's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gorillagirl View Post
    your answer is yes, you kinda end up being motherly or big-sisterly or older womanly on some levels. not on all levels but but definitely on some. comes with the territory. not all YM need support in the same areas. for some, it's dealing with the realities of work. for some, it's paying bills on time. for some, it's housecleaning. for some, it's not drugging/drinking. for some, it's making more time for the woman and taking less time for gaming...whatever it is... but yup, any time an older person is closely involved with a younger person, sexually or not, it's part of the deal. seems obvious, yeh?
    I disagree GG.

    When I was married to my ex-husband, he who was only 3 months my junior, so the same age as me, I was the one who organised everything. He earned twice what I did but we both worked full time. I cooked all the meals, organised the food shopping, the bills getting paid, booked the holidays, sorted out the kids' birthdays, planned christmasses, knew how the appliances and heating worked, called the repairs people when something went wrong, kept up with the TV licence and the insurance etc and checked the bank balance because he never dared look at it in case we'd overspent. I also remembered his relatives birthdays and made him buy and send cards/gifts. When he invariably didn't do the things I needed him to do (stuff I couldn't reach, or just washing the dishes because that was his job) and I had to get on his case about it, he hated me being 'bossy' and 'nagging'. When I tried to be sweet and girly and cute towards him, he hated that too.

    With Lee, yes, he forgets to do stuff sometimes (he has dyslexia and it does affect his memory - it takes him months to learn peoples names for example), but he accepts reminders with good grace. He offers to do stuff that is easier for him to do than for me (he's a foot taller). He is equally comfortable with me being in charge or him being in charge or us acting together. He makes decisions, I make decisions. He's sometimes wary, but learning not to be, of making decisions - but not because of his age, because of his previous relationship experiences. We are both equally likely to choose watching a DVD or playing computer games over cleaning the bathroom. He looks after me when I'm ill, as I do him when he is ill. We're very much a team and I feel far more of an equal in this relationship than I did when I was married. When it works properly it's not about age, it's about personality.
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  6. #6
    gorillagirl Guest
    i edited my post to make it be more inclusive...more clear....and yes, i have been with same-age guys or older guys where i was DEFINITELY the more organized/reliable one. it is about personality. but it also holds true that at some time, we all "mother" (or "father") our partners to some extent based on who has the more experience in whatever area.

  7. #7
    fiorinda's Avatar
    fiorinda is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by gorillagirl View Post
    it is about personality. but it also holds true that at some time, we all "mother" (or "father") our partners to some extent based on who has the more experience in whatever area.
    This then is surely just being a 'partner', not a 'mother' or a 'father'?
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  8. #8
    gorillagirl Guest
    sure. let's not argue over semantics. :-) xoxo

  9. #9
    Angel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by whoahnellie View Post
    One of the things I really struggled with with the YM I was dating was how hard to be on him about things. Sometimes I felt I couldnt be hard at all because of his age and lack of experience. Example: he would whine about his job and having to work in general and how it seemed like slavery that people had to work 40 hours a week the rest of their lives. NOt that I dont disagree with him totally but he would whine constantly about it after he started his job. He even grunted about it in his sleep. I found myself feeling more like his mother at times than his lover and it felt really weird particuarly given I always dated older men all my life.

    How do any of you deal with this kind of thing?
    I am no harder or lighter on my YM husband than I have been with any other relationship. I'm understanding within reason but I do not tolerate age as an excuse for poor behavior, regardless of his lack of experience.

    I deal with it by not tolerating it. I would rather do it alone and be at peace than miserable with someone else. My husband is similar in this mindset so our age is a non-issue because neither of us allow the other to use it to excuse a bad attitude or poor decision making.
    there before the threshold, I saw a brighter world beyond myself

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  10. #10
    theREALTrish's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Angel View Post
    I am no harder or lighter on my YM husband than I have been with any other relationship. I'm understanding within reason but I do not tolerate age as an excuse for poor behavior, regardless of his lack of experience.

    I deal with it by not tolerating it. I would rather do it alone and be at peace than miserable with someone else. My husband is similar in this mindset so our age is a non-issue because neither of us allow the other to use it to excuse a bad attitude or poor decision making.
    You're husband is one in a million....
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  11. #11
    gnothiseauton is offline Member
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    Perhaps "nurture" is the verb we're looking for. (rather than the age-related "mother" or "father")
    Last edited by gnothiseauton; 10-26-2014 at 08:01 PM. Reason: changed "word" to "verb"
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  12. #12
    MissMuffins's Avatar
    MissMuffins is offline Senior Member
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    I agree with those who've said this is not an age-related issue; rather it's something with its roots in the type of individual one is dating. Some people aren't happy unless they have something to be miserable about.

    I've been with peer aged men, men who were 10-12 years younger than I am, and am now with a man who's 19 years my senior. In all cases, when I found myself "parenting" my romantic partner rather than providing encouragement and support in his lifelong quest to be the best possible version of himself, I had to ask myself why I was choosing to take on that role. In some cases, I needed to back off. In others, I needed to figure out why I chose a man with an attitude problem and then rethink my choice in partners.

    I have friends who range in age from 20+ years my junior to 45 years my senior. When I was 17, one of my closest friends was 85. Same theory applies: some people aren't happy unless they have something to be miserable about; if that's the case and I find myself in Ms. Fix-It mode, I need to ask myself "why?"

    Remember, too, that a certain amount of kvetching is normal. It's also worth noting that individual thresholds vary; i.e. what constitutes "too much complaining" for one person might not even be an issue for another. If it's off-putting, say something. When I'm in a situation which makes me feel like I can't communicate openly and honestly about an issue, that's often an indicator I need to remove myself from the situation.

    Like Angel, I don't tolerate much complaining. I'm quite patient with processing, but not complaining. As I told my sons now and again, I don't speak Whine-ese!

    MM
    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

  13. #13
    theREALTrish's Avatar
    theREALTrish is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by MissMuffins View Post
    I agree with those who've said this is not an age-related issue; rather it's something with its roots in the type of individual one is dating. Some people aren't happy unless they have something to be miserable about.

    I've been with peer aged men, men who were 10-12 years younger than I am, and am now with a man who's 19 years my senior. In all cases, when I found myself "parenting" my romantic partner rather than providing encouragement and support in his lifelong quest to be the best possible version of himself, I had to ask myself why I was choosing to take on that role. In some cases, I needed to back off. In others, I needed to figure out why I chose a man with an attitude problem and then rethink my choice in partners.

    I have friends who range in age from 20+ years my junior to 45 years my senior. When I was 17, one of my closest friends was 85. Same theory applies: some people aren't happy unless they have something to be miserable about; if that's the case and I find myself in Ms. Fix-It mode, I need to ask myself "why?"

    Remember, too, that a certain amount of kvetching is normal. It's also worth noting that individual thresholds vary; i.e. what constitutes "too much complaining" for one person might not even be an issue for another. If it's off-putting, say something. When I'm in a situation which makes me feel like I can't communicate openly and honestly about an issue, that's often an indicator I need to remove myself from the situation.

    Like Angel, I don't tolerate much complaining. I'm quite patient with processing, but not complaining. As I told my sons now and again, I don't speak Whine-ese!

    MM
    Great answer!! It applies to anyone of any age. I can't deal with whining/complaining either. It really get aggravated with myself if I think I'm doing it. There have been times when I feel like I'm listening to my daughter do it.....sometimes about her friends but usually about her job. It isn't constant so I usually just listen because my suggestions for correcting the problem aren't right. lol!
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  14. #14
    MissMuffins's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by theREALTrish View Post
    Great answer!! It applies to anyone of any age. I can't deal with whining/complaining either. It really get aggravated with myself if I think I'm doing it. There have been times when I feel like I'm listening to my daughter do it.....sometimes about her friends but usually about her job. It isn't constant so I usually just listen because my suggestions for correcting the problem aren't right. lol!
    LOL Trish!

    I think you've hit upon a key part of it: knowing how to tell the difference when someone is processing, when someone wants input/advice, when someone wants us to step in and fix it for them, and when the person is a chronic complainer...and having the wisdom to know when to keep one's mouth shut!

    MM
    theREALTrish and soul like this.
    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

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