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Thread: So does anyone else here have awful parents?

  1. #1
    Eskimo is offline Neophyte
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    So does anyone else here have awful parents?

    Or am I the only lucky one?

    To give some background...I'm 28 and my (very recently fiancee) is 43. She has two children as well. We've been dating for about 4 years. My parents never liked it and my father was much more difficult about it than my mother. My brother was down on it too. I'm with the nicest person in the world...someone who really is a "people-pleaser". She always cares for everyone else and feels bad for everyone. I'll bring her to a Yankee game, and she'll feel bad for the other team if they're losing and asks why it can't just end in a tie so everyone is happy. She's that type lol.

    Anyway, when I told my mother than I'm going to ask her to marry me, instead of giving me a happy reaction she is saying things like "Okay...it's your choice. But aren't you worried that she will die before you? I want whatever will make you happy, but are you sure?" Basically she is saying that she is happy for me but she isn't really...she's just following up with uncertainty and trying to bring out potential issues that I could come to later on down the road. I told my father after and he said "Well, that was predictable." And then gave me a fake smile since he didn't want to be a complete *** about it. I feel like when I tell people I'm going to ask someone to marry me, they should give me a happy and excited reaction. Why bother telling someone if they aren't going to be happy for you? It's uncomfortable and annoying. It has been 4 years...by now they should have been good with the idea and realized that we really are good together just like everyone else has seen.

    All of our friends and her immediately family love us together. I guess at first glance it looks different, but then they see we're a good match. My aunts/uncles love her and love us together too. A couple of days later my mom was saying how she and my father are concerned that I will have no one since she will die first and I won't have children. Women usually live longer than men, and men in my family seem to have a history of dying first, so I'm not really worried about that. I told her that one spouse always dies first. She said but the other has children to take after her. I told her that my fiancee's children, nieces, and nephews all love me and some are very maternal and would probably be good to take care of me just like how my mother took care of her uncle. Also, if I don't have children, I'd probably have a lot more money to support myself in my later years. And lastly, she is discussing children...not my fiancee. If her concern is children, I could always adopt or my fiancee is willing to have a young egg in her body if I wanted to have a child (I really don't want to...but I'm glad she was willing to do so). Point is...her argument is me not having kids instead of having an older fiancee, but she's acting like it's my fiancee's fault.

    I told my mother that if we decided to have a child together, then my parents would just find a different reason to take issue with the situation. I also told her that I think if she wasn't hearing all this negativity and having all this crap put into her head by my father, she would be way more happy for me. I told her to talk to her sister (my aunt) who loves my fiancee. Ironically enough, she visited my aunt (her sister) a few days later. She drunk dialed me to tell me that I'm absolutely 100% right...that it really is my father who is making it sound bad, and that with her sister it sounds like wonderful news. She said that my fiancee really is very sweet and nice and that there is nothing bad to say about her.

    Looking at my brother and 1st cousins for comparisons sake:
    No one likes my brother's wife. One of my cousins married a very nice woman with a severely deformed face. One of my cousins married someone with a child and they divorced already. Another married a guy who cheated on her many times and they're divorced. Another is discussing possibly divorcing after having 2 kids. Another married someone who no one likes, and she basically forced him to move to Israel, have 3 children with her, and then divorced him because she feels after work he isn't active enough as far as rock climbing, biking, etc (her whole family loves my cousin and wishes she stayed with him)...so now he's trapped in Israel for the next 10 years or so until the kids are older. Another is probably never going to be married. The last one weighed close to 400 pounds and overdosed on pain drugs and died...but her husband was a very big loser who was just bad for her and her parents. So my point is, my family doesn't have the most traditional marriages...but their parents were all supportive and good to them. But god forbid I'm not within the "traditional" age range...how horrible! I'm the only "lucky" one with awful parents (though my mom would be much better if it weren't for my dad).

    Sorry for writing an enormous rant and probably sounding like a child at times...it's very frustrating to have such unhappy/miserable parents over something that should be one of our happier moments.
    LunaLove likes this.

  2. #2
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    Hello Eskimo:
    I am sorry that your parents are not supportive, but at one point one has to take a stand. Age gap relationships and other "unusual" relationships like interracial, or inter-faith, for example, are always considered doubtful and doomed to failure. In my experience, only time proves us right.
    I have been in this relationship for more than 10 years already, and people have gotten used to us being together.
    While my inlaws never gave us grief about our relationship, my mother was very much against it, but she is happy for us now, ditto with my son.
    gnothiseauton likes this.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  3. #3
    gorillagirl Guest
    my parents (divorced when i was 5) were horrible for different reasons. dad (alive) mostly detached/apathetic/financially very selfish but uninvolved and doesn't givvahoot who i date...and mom (dead) was a rageoholic bipolar narcissistic but overly involved/critical of my relationships yet super generous and helpful when she could be.

  4. #4
    Eskimo is offline Neophyte
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    Quote Originally Posted by SheLikesKitties View Post
    Hello Eskimo:
    I am sorry that your parents are not supportive, but at one point one has to take a stand. Age gap relationships and other "unusual" relationships like interracial, or inter-faith, for example, are always considered doubtful and doomed to failure. In my experience, only time proves us right.
    I have been in this relationship for more than 10 years already, and people have gotten used to us being together.
    While my inlaws never gave us grief about our relationship, my mother was very much against it, but she is happy for us now, ditto with my son.
    I'm glad you're doing good now. I am lucky that her kids like me and don't care about it but it's definitely frustrating to have the only parents in my family who are difficult with this regard despite other family members having unusual relationships. Out of curiosity, how much older are you than your husband (or your husband than you)?

  5. #5
    Eskimo is offline Neophyte
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    Quote Originally Posted by gorillagirl View Post
    my parents (divorced when i was 5) were horrible for different reasons. dad (alive) mostly detached/apathetic/financially very selfish but uninvolved and doesn't givvahoot who i date...and mom (dead) was a rageoholic bipolar narcissistic but overly involved/critical of my relationships yet super generous and helpful when she could be.
    And which did you prefer? I'll take your father's mentality right about now...

  6. #6
    theREALTrish's Avatar
    theREALTrish is offline Senior Member
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    First of all, 15 years isn't a huge age gap. Next time someone mentions her dying before you, remind them that, statistically, women outlive men even if the man is younger. You could have a heart attack at 50 and she'd only be 65. I'll be 62 next month, and I out lived a 40-year-old lover who died last April. There are no guarantees in life.

  7. #7
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eskimo View Post
    I'm glad you're doing good now. I am lucky that her kids like me and don't care about it but it's definitely frustrating to have the only parents in my family who are difficult with this regard despite other family members having unusual relationships. Out of curiosity, how much older are you than your husband (or your husband than you)?
    I am 21.5 years older than my husband.
    Don't get frustrated. I promise you it will get better with time.
    Actually, I was pretty surprised that his parents did not throw a fit when they found out about me. After all, when we started, he was only 23, and I was 45, with a teenage kid.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  8. #8
    Bigjays1's Avatar
    Bigjays1 is offline Neophyte
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    I'm 24 yrs younger than my wife wand we've been together 20 yrs. as a YM I feel you're hurt, it was the same way with my family. I have 6 older brothers half of them are happy I'm with someone I love, the other half still feel uncomfortable being around us. My parents seperated when I was young, My mother adores my wife and my father could care less about her. If you want to PM me to ask any questions about my experience please feel free. Really I joined this site to get some male to male conversations/ experience of YM/OW relationships. Not that I haven't really enjoyed conversing with OW/YW, I haven't seen any NEW posts from YM on here.

  9. #9
    degausser is offline Senior Member
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    I'm sure there are other things you haven't mentioned, but honestly your parents' reactions to the engagement didn't sound too bad to me. Obviously it would be great if they were more excited, or had stopped talking about those types of concerns by now. But I really didn't think either response was bad. Any time a parent responds with, "Here are my concerns, but it's your choice" I think you're doing okay I know some people have had family members stop speaking to them because they didn't approve of the partner's age. They sound more concerned than unsupportive. Did you have a strained relationship with them prior to this relationship? I can understand you being hurt that they aren't more excited, or frustrated that they haven't stopped voicing their concerns about the age difference, but they certainly don't sound awful.

    I was a bit put off by my dad's reaction to my engagement. I have a great relationship with my dad, he loves my fiancé, and all that good stuff. But, that doesn't change who he is as a person, and he can be a bit unemotional, insensitive, abrasive, etc. at times. After getting engaged, I called my dad and this was our conversation:

    Me: I just wanted to let you know that we got engaged!
    My dad: Oh. That's not as bad as I was expecting.
    Me: What do you mean?
    My dad: I don't know. I mean, I'm sitting here like, "Why is she calling me on a Sunday morning?"
    Me: Oh.
    My dad: Yeah. Well you guys have been together for awhile.
    Me: ..yeah.
    My dad: Yeah.
    Me: ...Okay. Well. Talk to you later.
    My dad: Okay, talk to you later.

    At the time my feelings were a little hurt, but over a year later I think that conversation is hysterical and don't know why I expected any other reaction.

    They might not have the reactions that you would hope for or expect, but it sounds like your parents care about you and want you to be happy. Have you talked to them about the fact that you feel unsupported when they express those types of concerns this far into your relationship?
    Angel likes this.

  10. #10
    Eskimo is offline Neophyte
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    Quote Originally Posted by theREALTrish View Post
    First of all, 15 years isn't a huge age gap. Next time someone mentions her dying before you, remind them that, statistically, women outlive men even if the man is younger. You could have a heart attack at 50 and she'd only be 65. I'll be 62 next month, and I out lived a 40-year-old lover who died last April. There are no guarantees in life.
    Sorry for your loss

    And yes, there are no guarantees in life. My parents think that works one way only. In other words, when I say that females typically live longer than males and that males in my family have a history of not living that long, they'll say "there are no guarantees in life...you don't know that she won't die way before you." But then they're perfectly content with telling me that she is going to die way before me. Pretty hypocritical.

  11. #11
    Eskimo is offline Neophyte
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    Quote Originally Posted by SheLikesKitties View Post
    I am 21.5 years older than my husband.
    Don't get frustrated. I promise you it will get better with time.
    Actually, I was pretty surprised that his parents did not throw a fit when they found out about me. After all, when we started, he was only 23, and I was 45, with a teenage kid.
    Not that I am happy that anything is difficult for anyone...but it's nice to hear people who had similar experiences as me...even if they were negative. My parents are very outdated with their mentality. And not just with this. They're outdated with everything. I try to limit my conversations with them these days as much as possible.

  12. #12
    Eskimo is offline Neophyte
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bigjays1 View Post
    I'm 24 yrs younger than my wife wand we've been together 20 yrs. as a YM I feel you're hurt, it was the same way with my family. I have 6 older brothers half of them are happy I'm with someone I love, the other half still feel uncomfortable being around us. My parents seperated when I was young, My mother adores my wife and my father could care less about her. If you want to PM me to ask any questions about my experience please feel free. Really I joined this site to get some male to male conversations/ experience of YM/OW relationships. Not that I haven't really enjoyed conversing with OW/YW, I haven't seen any NEW posts from YM on here.
    Thanks for the offer to PM you and it's good to hear that you've been together for 20 years. Sorry that half your brothers have an issue with it. It shouldn't be there business, especially if you're happy.

  13. #13
    Eskimo is offline Neophyte
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    Quote Originally Posted by degausser View Post
    I'm sure there are other things you haven't mentioned, but honestly your parents' reactions to the engagement didn't sound too bad to me. Obviously it would be great if they were more excited, or had stopped talking about those types of concerns by now. But I really didn't think either response was bad. Any time a parent responds with, "Here are my concerns, but it's your choice" I think you're doing okay I know some people have had family members stop speaking to them because they didn't approve of the partner's age. They sound more concerned than unsupportive. Did you have a strained relationship with them prior to this relationship? I can understand you being hurt that they aren't more excited, or frustrated that they haven't stopped voicing their concerns about the age difference, but they certainly don't sound awful.

    I was a bit put off by my dad's reaction to my engagement. I have a great relationship with my dad, he loves my fiancé, and all that good stuff. But, that doesn't change who he is as a person, and he can be a bit unemotional, insensitive, abrasive, etc. at times. After getting engaged, I called my dad and this was our conversation:

    Me: I just wanted to let you know that we got engaged!
    My dad: Oh. That's not as bad as I was expecting.
    Me: What do you mean?
    My dad: I don't know. I mean, I'm sitting here like, "Why is she calling me on a Sunday morning?"
    Me: Oh.
    My dad: Yeah. Well you guys have been together for awhile.
    Me: ..yeah.
    My dad: Yeah.
    Me: ...Okay. Well. Talk to you later.
    My dad: Okay, talk to you later.

    At the time my feelings were a little hurt, but over a year later I think that conversation is hysterical and don't know why I expected any other reaction.

    They might not have the reactions that you would hope for or expect, but it sounds like your parents care about you and want you to be happy. Have you talked to them about the fact that you feel unsupported when they express those types of concerns this far into your relationship?
    Yeah, I've had many issues with my parents (particularly my father). It seems that our relationship is at its "best" when we keep the talking to a minimum. Not that we don't talk at all, but I always take a big step back because being with them is usually when I'm at my unhappiest/most uncomfortable. I basically have a life without them at this point unfortunately. It's a shame they couldn't be a bigger part of it. I was just hoping that since they've seen us together and realized how nice she is, that they would be happy for me instead of starting more crap with me. My father is done some pretty bad things with regard to us over the years as his way of "disapproving" of our relationship.

  14. #14
    Slow Worm's Avatar
    Slow Worm is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eskimo View Post
    concerned that I will have no one since she will die first and I won't have children .... I told her that one spouse always dies first. She said but the other has children to take after her. I told her that my fiancee's children, nieces, and nephews all love me.
    This sounds as if it is rooted in conservative ideas about biological descent. Does she think that way? How is she responding to forthcoming step-grandmotherhood? It might be worth trying to get across to her that all that focus on biology derives from the feudal systems' reliance upon inheritance to maintain orderly transfers of political power, and so is now about four centuries out of date.

    I first read your post yesterday on my mobile, just after exchanging texts with my grown-up (step)daughter about the grandkids, while on the train home from the 7th birthday party of a boy who has recently spontaneously taken to calling me 'granddad' - in fact I was in a short-lived OW/YM relationship with his grandmother about 25 years ago, but remained involved with her sons ever since, and now with their kids. I suppose his calling me 'granddad' interchangeably with my name has come about through his noticing the similarities in his relationship with me and those he has with his grandfathers, and perhaps between his father and I and his father with his own father, and the affectionate relationship between his grandmother & I. Genetic connections are not a vital ingredient for loving, caring or nurturing relationships.

    Your parents' attitudes are annoying, but nothing worse at present (far worse has happened to some people here). I think the real crunch will come over their acceptance of your new extended family and particularly step-children. If your parents remain sufficiently bigoted about biology or disapproving of your fiancée to be distant or unwelcoming to the rest of your family circle, you might end up having to accept that if they insist on keeping on the outside there they will have to stay. I was in the fortunate position of having parents who keenly took up both my early partners' children and then my (step)children - and as for the next generation of babies .....

    You may well find that the lure of step-grandchildren overcomes these reservations of theirs. I hope it does.

    SW

  15. #15
    gorillagirl Guest
    to answer your question, i definitely prefer my dad's apathy! lol.

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