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Thread: should I give up on this guy and show him the door?

  1. #1
    gnothiseauton is offline Member
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    should I give up on this guy and show him the door?

    Ok, so a couple years ago I met this younger man, fell in love, posted here about my joy and passion, and now we're in phase II: wondering if this is really a long-term thing.

    Starting about six months ago he started holding me at arm's length, not being sure about anything, making me feel very insecure.

    In fact, we've broken up twice now. We have tried being "just friends" but sexual feelings continue to arise-- even when he thought he was asexual or demisexual for a while. When he attempts to leave the relationship, he does it with the caveat that we remain best friends, and he continues to talk to me and need me for various reasons (not in a moochy way, just life) to the point that I get upset and say, I can't be that close a friend to you, you have to honor that I'm a woman and have feelings for you.

    I meant it as an ultimatum: that if he didn't want to be with me fully, he should stop coming over, because it causes me too much pain to hang out so much if we're "just friends". But he caved, and apparently truly needs my friendship so much that he's sticking around and (occasionally) sleeping with me again. For now.

    He's also said he wants to have children someday. I would like to have children, but at age 44, I'd need to have them now. At one point early on we had discussed that adoption would actually be preferable for both of us. Don't know why that fell off the table.

    We have life goals that bring us together, and that makes it hard (working together artistically in a region where few other options exist).

    To be honest, I'd be happy to stop everything just to have his baby, if he'd be up for it. He's 26, and doesn't feel ready, but his mother is older and far less well than my mother. She would love to see a grandchild sooner than later!

    but what's most disappointing is that I thought we shared several values-- but lately we've been having more and more arguments, discovering conflicting values but also even about the values that I thought we most cherished sharing. (what I mean is arguments about getting more specific about how we express those particular values-- clarifying exactly what they mean to us, and maybe we're not as close as I originally thought.)

    p.s. he has hardly ever dated anyone else and claims to have no desire to date anyone else. (hence the asexuality claim).
    Last edited by gnothiseauton; 10-16-2015 at 04:04 PM.

  2. #2
    fiorinda's Avatar
    fiorinda is offline Senior Member
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    Sounds a lot like the first YM I dated. It was always supposed to be a casual thing. After we split up initially (his choice) and he started dating someone in his own age group, I actually saw more of him than I had when we were together. We didn't sleep together but he sure as hell wanted to, just not quite as much as he wanted not to cheat on his girlfriend. We went to the theatre, the cinema, for meals together, we watched DVDs and drank wine together, he came to my home and cooked for me. He dicked me around for several years really, messing with my relationship with Lee when that began. Eventually I got sick of it and put a stop to it. Luckily Lee was willing to give us another try and eventually forgave me, and we just don't talk about that bit of our lives anymore. I still work with the ex YM. He still gazes at me. He still tries to hug me sometimes, and calls me 'love' and wants my attention. He was just not and is almost certainly still not, even now at 29, mature enough to handle the responsibility of a proper, grown up relationship with a proper grown up person! He's still single.

    I'm not going to tell you whether you should give up and show this guy the door. I will tell you though that the things that happen between you happen because you allow them to. It sounds to me like his 'friendship' is rather one sided, and he's in it for what you can do for him (again, very much like my ex YM). This is not a friendship. This is a selfish young man abusing the fact that he knows you love him so he can take what he needs from you and give nothing back in return. I'm sure that's not how he sees it. He probably genuinely feels like he can't live without your 'friendship'. But sometimes, if we are mature we have to accept that our needs are not always the most important thing in the world and that if we are hurting someone who we purport to care about then we ought to step away.

    Do you want to be a 45 year old single mother? If not, then don't risk a pregnancy. My ex YM said 'I want to get married and have children one day' but I actually think he doesn't want that at all, he just thinks he should want it. He even told me he wanted that with me, as soon as someone else said they did. He didn't, it was bull**** and fear of losing me talking, but it wasted me enough time that by the time I came to my senses and went back to the man who genuinely wanted to be with me for the rst of his life it was too late to have kids with him.

    I know it's easy to say and hard to do. I honestly don't think this guy is going to come through for you. What you do about that is up to you. Good luck!!
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  3. #3
    gnothiseauton is offline Member
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    Thanks for your validating words and I can see why you said what you said, from my message. I feel bad now though, because I did not mean to imply that the giving was one-sided. In fact he has given me a tremendous amount: he bought me a computer, he made several vital videos of my work, and he has gotten me a number of paying jobs. He and I both feel isolated as high-level artists in our backwoods region, so it's hard to replace each other in our lives. We want to keep working together, but it was too painful for me to do that as "just friends", so I convinced him to try being with me one more time-- despite the differences which, over the past six months, have made us both reconsider our relationship. As it stands now we've decided to be together until we go to grad school. He inspired me to apply, and there's a chance we could study in the same city. But once we're both there, we'll finally have a larger dating pool and might be able to find partners more suited to each other. I just don't know how to differentiate when a man is "good enough". I don't expect perfection, but I do hope the man I choose would share some basic things-- some of which we do share. The bottom line is, we're all unique and I know I am apparently a particularly bizarre person compared to most, but I'm disappointed that at 44 I still haven't found at least one other who shares the most important things I want to share. I'd be willing to make certain compromises with this man, because I love him more than anyone I've ever met, and I believe the potential for deep intimacy is strong, but I can't even go there because of his lack of commitment, because there are some big things he won't or can't compromise, which make it impossible for us to get closer.

  4. #4
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    fiorinda is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by gnothiseauton View Post
    he has given me a tremendous amount: he bought me a computer, he made several vital videos of my work, and he has gotten me a number of paying jobs.
    That wasn't really the sort of 'giving' I meant.

    Quote Originally Posted by gnothiseauton View Post
    we'll finally have a larger dating pool and might be able to find partners more suited to each other.
    My money would be on him continuing his 'no commitment' relationship with you, because it's so much easier for him. I hope I'm wrong and just basing that on my own experience.

    Quote Originally Posted by gnothiseauton View Post
    I just don't know how to differentiate when a man is "good enough". I don't expect perfection, but I do hope the man I choose would share some basic things-- some of which we do share. The bottom line is, we're all unique and I know I am apparently a particularly bizarre person compared to most, but I'm disappointed that at 44 I still haven't found at least one other who shares the most important things I want to share. I'd be willing to make certain compromises with this man, because I love him more than anyone I've ever met, and I believe the potential for deep intimacy is strong, but I can't even go there because of his lack of commitment, because there are some big things he won't or can't compromise, which make it impossible for us to get closer.
    We all, presumably, want a life partner with whom we share our basic values, and hope for one with whom we share our deeper ones. No-one is EVER going to be a perfect fit, and we'd probably hate them if they were. When I met my ex-husband, 26 years ago, we had so many values in common, but over the course of our marriage we both changed. We probably still share the basics, or would at least say we did if asked about them, but many other things we believed in changed. Equally as important as shared values and beliefs is a common expectation of commitment levels and some kind of parallel vision of the future. Your words are telling me you have this - that you'll continue until you go to grad school (I don't really know what grad school means). Do you actually, truly believe it inside of yourself? Or are you secretly hoping he will just get so used to being with you that it won't happen? I only ask because I've pulled that deception on myself in the past.

    I truly hope that whatever the two of you decide to do, you will both find happiness, together or apart. Don't look for perfect though - you're not going to find it. I have a friend who began internet dating at the same time I did (5 years ish ago) and is still doing it. Every man she has dated in those 5 years has had something not quite right about him. Some of the things have been unsurmountable (vastly differing political views, or maybe he's turned out to be weird in a dodgy kind of way) but with some it's been that they wore the wrong kind of shoes, or weren't her usual physical type. She's really, really liked some of these guys, and has entered into months-long relationships with a few of them, but in the end that little niggle has caused her to end it. I actually think she is subconsciously preventing herself from falling in love - for what reasons I don't know, as I only met her in our 40s and don't know enough about her past to guess. She may well continue like this for many more years. She has no children and no siblings, her mother is dead and her step-father isn't well. Alone isn't a good place to be when you're getting older. Bad shoes might be a very small price to pay for support and companionship. I can't seem to make her see that. No-one is a perfect fit.
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  5. #5
    gnothiseauton is offline Member
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    Thank you for your insights. I totally agree that perfect is not possible.
    We're done now. It finally came to a head and we broke it off.
    You're right. He often chooses the easiest path.

  6. #6
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    fiorinda is offline Senior Member
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    I'm really sorry to hear that love. I hope you'll be ok
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