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Thread: The LDR is getting rough lately

  1. #1
    Pickles's Avatar
    Pickles is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    United States-East Coast

    The LDR is getting rough lately

    We are both morose and lonely. Normally he is a bit emo with little faith in the world in general anyway. But lately I can't bouy us.
    Even Pollyanna had some bad days. My optimism is at all time low.

    We have had no conversation on hopeful future plans for a good 2 months.
    He is snappish on odd things a couple times this fall. One kinda of cut to quick. Our politics have never been much fodder for debate. We differ on very few subjects anyway. Another was out of left field and really not in any way.
    And I think a bad event is coming if I cannot get my passport in time to visit him end Jan for his birthday.

    He has become kinda jumpy and paranoid. Finds it uncomfortable I have asked him only for a normal photos (3 birthdays in a row i might add I have one of us together in 2013 and the photo his sister took for his VISA then). Is weirded out I had any. Said it was stalkerish. 0-0 And I have a video of me saying we were on video... and he forgot. Im not sure If I should even remind him <_<

    He was showing me houses in Poland. His Grandmother has offered to help him acquire a home, possibly pay it in total. He is being more insistent that I come to Poland instead. Though I have more obstacles. The sad thing is the most negative thing about our age gap is amount of baggage dangling on lose ends that I've been snipping at.

    We are still okay for most part, having our ambient silence, when pursuing interests in you tube or such. We try and keep some frisky times in the schedule.

    Sometimes lately I feel hostage to the game we Roleplay in or to the laptop. And a little resentful of the time he spends with friends... not because he is not with me. opposite. He is on different time schedule. He has already had a full day of stimulation from work, activities with friends, interaction with family before I am even done cooking breakfast and vacuuming on weekend. On his work days he is done and still had dinner, talked with friends and maybe played a short match where I have just finished homeschooling my autistic youngest son and barely eaten lunch for myself

    And he hawkeyes the sound of my keys or mouse since I have no headphones and gets sulky if I do not respond right away yet will take nearly 10 minutes to respond because he has headphones he thinks he is hidden and doesn't remember I can see him pop up on the ingame friends menu. I get a bit bent on double standards. I won't put up with that long for long though, it will resolve soon.

    Im feeling resentful , but justified? not sure.

    I live in economic deadzone, I saved just bought a new vehicle, with needed things like a full size seat for my son, defroster that works, AC that works, passes smog and no major mechanical items slotted for repair. Big enough it can have hitch platform for my mom s power chair
    I have gone without many things (quality hair products, new underclothes and socks and winter clothes and entertainment and soda and candy )to catch up on my own arrears to open up passport. Arranged how my mom and son will be cared for when I actually go. I have garnered support from my friend and family for this relationship. I have been on the trail to making myself sponser-worthy which I will be soon after being employed back home in AZ.

    And I feel negative about pressure to go to Poland instead. Well at this time. Visit wise, he is working so I have the memo. But the time table of a day special like his birthday (when I am still waiting for a decent normal photo) is making me anxious. Not because Poland, it is beautiful, I will find his region cold. It is a big enough city where there are pockets of English speakers, specially any that have grown up since the Wall fell. But permanently? Most English speakers are in his age group with sprinkling in my generation, As far as a move there before a couple years of employment under my belt?
    He currently works for Uncle that barely started putting him on the books and I think is using him and also might pull the job if his brother asks.
    He saved his money aside out of bank until it was a scarey amount when he was going to come here. He is not in line for vacation yet so flipped the plan. The money, he lent it to his parents recently, now keeps it in mom's account (the mom who still hates the very idea of an "us". I have a creepy feeling if she got wind of his getting me air tickets? his own money may become unavailable). He is working in IT but because it is partially under table still, isn't making what is the norm. And he lives with his parents (not unusual there for unmarried children...but... see above*mom that hates me). He helped his grandmother sell some property and she has expressed interest in rewarding him by buying him a modest place of his own.
    But here is my most aggravated point................
    he has mentioned my existence as little as possible. His parents know but the subject has just kind have been a non- subject since last round of drama. But any kin he could have had as lite support, will probably reactive negative because they have been kept out of loop so long. So into that possibly caustic environment he wants to plop me, who does not speak but enough polish to catch a bus and order my favorite food. Employment will be difficult for me until I get to know some people. I can't even be waitress.

    Am I looking too deep into it or does this look like a disaster from any visit standpoint longer than 2-3 days? he is usually very practical. Maybe he is now scared to leave Poland maybe? I can get that. And old plan was just stash cash while working here and then bring his wife with very little needed paperwork, home. That was to give me time to get my mother settled comfy in AZ and set up the available therapies for my son in Poland. And it was HIS plan! Though he could easily find work and speaks excellent if slightly accented English, if he only liked guns and cheese he'd be more American than I am.

    How do I say something without him feeling rejected or that Im not "trying" on my end :C
    Was I foolish to become involved with anyone when my life was so far from organized? I never met anyone as well suited for me. And fully not in a rebound. A slow natural slide into a relationship with mutual admiration of who we were.

    It near 2 am and Im not thinking straight anymore but I feel so sad, It was a sour day and I feel like a steel bar was shoved thru my chest. And my light of hope seems flickering a bit. maybe as I vent it can end up only nerves f having so much to accomplish to succeed plan that can have us on same continent

    And it seems my malcontent is every 12 months +/- 2 by a coincidence. Specially this longer break between seeing each other. Though the vibe is both ways this time that is worrisome
    Last edited by Pickles; 12-07-2015 at 02:58 AM. Reason: Tidbit
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  2. #2
    gorillagirl Guest
    Pickles. I think you should be fearless and completely direct and ask him if he still wants this relationship with you to include a long term future including you moving to Poland. Because it seems you're just guessing... Maybe he has a change of heart due to family pressure or time/distance/time zone issues or the huge responsibility of sponsoring you and your kid/s and just wants to be friends. You will NOT know unless you directly ask.

  3. #3
    Ellethe's Avatar
    Ellethe is offline Ex-Marcy'd
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Hilliard, Ohio
    Hi Pickles,

    I've not posted here in a pretty long while, but felt moved to respond here. My own experience is that relationships are HARD. LDR, not to mention International LDR lol, is HARDER. Age gap? Even harder. Experience gap, you have kids... he doesn't? Harder still.

    Even under optimal circumstances most relationships end... either in divorce or well before a marriage even takes place. Have an honest talk with him. Layout what you need from him and make certain you understand what he needs from you. Be clear as to how much of that need you can meet. Expectations should not be resolved after you land in a foreign country, particularly if you have children and a dependent parent.

    I've been married 11 years in February to a Canadian I met in an online video game about 13 years ago. He was 18 and I was 36. I had 4 kids, no shock to hear he had none lol. It took a LOT of time, energy, support from others, and no budge resolve to make it. He was firm and clear with his parents. They ultimately trusted him. He moved here. No way was I gonna relocate my kids... and we are talking Canada here... not Eastern Europe. We had lots of conversations about expectations well before he got here. Who's going to do what in the home? Who's going to make the money? How's it going to be spent? How do our families feel and what are our personal limits regarding negativity from those we love?

    Strongly urge direct, clear, no nonsense communication. Well before you get a plane ticket out of the country...
    gorillagirl and theREALTrish like this.
    Psycho hatchet wielding midgets deserve to die

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