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Thread: Insecurities and a few other issues.

  1. #1
    Hasnot8828 is offline Neophyte
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    Jan 2016
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    Insecurities and a few other issues.

    Hi, I posted a topic in new members but figured this would be more appropriate for the whole thing.

    I am 45 and for the last 11 months been in a relationship with a man that is 28. We do live together, may seem fast but we already knew each other from when he would come in to my work as he was a regular customer. He moved in 7 months in which turned out to be both a blessing and embarrassing because shortly after I was in a bad car accident where for about a month he had to help me with well, just about everything. He was really sweet and far more understanding than even I figured. But he certainly handled it far better than my ex husband whom I was married to for 25 years would have been. Looking back he was always a pretty selfish and awful person but I was young when I married him. My younger man is the complete opposite.

    But the ridiculous thing is I still have insecurities which I feel bad for because he has been nothing but supportive and understanding and never said anything to feel bad about me or my body but when I see younger women I just get this feeling why would he be with me when he could have these much younger girls? Granted I do best I can to stay in shape and all that heck one time when we were at the mall we ran into one of his ex gfs who could be a model! We didn't talk much but she did give me a nasty look.

    He is in construction and is in excellent shape, also goes to the gym and it goes without saying plenty younger women look at him, I have seen it.

    I also have a 24 year old daughter who is not at all a fan of our relationship. To make things worse she as of last month moved back in because she failed her college classes and got kicked out of her apartment. I realize this can be extremely awkward for her but what can I do? She has even said to me "Mom, you are so gross, you're one of those cougar women!", and one time my bf and I were on the couch watching a movie, we started kissing and she came out of her room and made a "Ughh" sound and said "So gross, right in the living room??" I just told her to go back to her room.

    The biggest incident we had was when I had to go on a trip for a week and while I was gone as well as my bf he was hanging out with friends, decided to have a big party and when he came home the house was a mess. And he found her passed out on the couch. He woke her up and told her to go to her room which she did but the next morning he told her to clean it up and she refused and just left. He did call me when it happened and I told him just do what he thinks is best until I get back. He ended up cleaning the house himself, bless his heart.

    So yeah, a number of issues going on. Last week he told me he would move out if it would make things better, but I told him he's not the issue and we're going to have to work something out. I am just so frustrated with my daughter but if I kick her out she'll be homeless. What a world, what a world....

  2. #2
    Ellethe's Avatar
    Ellethe is offline Ex-Marcy'd
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    You need to have a serious sit down conversation with your daughter. Take her to lunch and do it there, in public, where perhaps she will be on her best behavior, and the space is neutral.

    Tell her she doesn't need to approve of who you love, but she owes ANY one in your home respect and dignity. This is something you not only expect, but demand. Remind her that you love her and your home is hers, but it is first and foremost YOUR home. You may not always approve of the friends that she chooses for herself either, but you would never be blatantly rude to anyone in the comfort of your home and it isn't your place to make choices on her behalf. You will honor the love between your daughter and yourself by trusting her. She needs to do the same thing for you. It may not be for her, but it isn't her decision to make. Loving someone, in this case YOU, means that she shows you the respect you have earned throughout your lives together.

    I am a big, huge proponent of telling others what your expectations are and what you need to be happy. Every time she is disrespectful or hurtful, freeze the moment and seriously point out that whatever she said or did hurt you. Say something like, I know you love me and I love you too, but do you realize what you just said/did made me feel miserable? What are you thinking right now?

    If you can't have that kind of conversation with your kid, then your problems are MUCH MUCH bigger than her disliking your boyfriend. Get thee to a family therapist pronto, with your daughter and NOT your boyfriend. The groundwork of mutual love, support, and respect comes over a lifetime of intimacy between you and your kid. If that hasn't been laid, then the above can't work and won't work. Laying that groundwork from birth to this moment is what helps to give your child their best opportunity at a full, happy, productive life... a good bit more critical than liking your current boyfriend. Its like trying to have open communication about sex or drugs with your child, but only initiating conversation at the age of 16.

    Good luck.
    Charisme likes this.
    Psycho hatchet wielding midgets deserve to die

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