AgeMatch.com - the best dating site for inter-generational lovers!  

Results 1 to 12 of 12
Like Tree2Likes
  • 1 Post By Slow Worm
  • 1 Post By Sophia

Thread: Need opinions please

  1. #1
    VampireKiss is offline Neophyte
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Posts
    2

    Need opinions please

    I started dating this guy, he is 23, Im 45. He lives 5 hours away from me. The age was not an issuez he doesnt care what ppl think and I dont either but thats not the problem here. I have known him about a year and a couple of weeks ago I went to see him irl for the first time. The problem is that he still lives at home and his sister and his father treat him like a child. I went to meet him and he didnt show up that day, so finally on the morning of the day I was leaving, he shows up saying how sorry he was because he had no internet at the home and his sister found out he was supposed to meet me. I left to come home after only spending a couple of hours together and since I have been home, I have onky talked to him when he was at a buddys house as he still has no internet at his home. Hes 23, his father wont let him work as they live in rent geared to income home. Its not our age that is dooming us, its his living situation! I talked to a good friend of mine and he said that if he really wanted to talk to me he would have made an effort to at least go somewhere where he had wifi. I then found out that his father a tually took away his cell phone..at 23! I am at a loss, we are really good together and he is mature etc but his home life is so strained, his dad takes away our only line of communication and I am supposed to be going to down there again in 2 weeks but am reconsidering that as I havent even been able to set the plans straight with him. He cant even stay with me at the hotel because his dad wants him home at 5 pm and he wont stahd up to his dad about his age and not going home. This forum seems to be really supportive..has anyone had issues with not the age but the home life or family? My friend said he just needs to grow a pair and stand up for himself. He is afraid that his dad will kick him out. I think we are doomed unless he stands up for himself. Oh and I have to say that the last time I talked to him was last wed and he apologized up and down for the lack of contact and he told me that he misses me and loves me. Sorry for the spelling mistakes, Im on my tablet. I am so bummed out because we are very good together and very comfortable but the lack of contact is hurting us. Oh and he hasnt been online either so I know he isnt lying to me about his internet etc. Thanks for ur advice..and let me know if u have gone through any of this please

  2. #2
    orillia is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Posts
    322
    You say your problems have nothing to do with the age difference, but really they do.

    If he was 33, I doubt you'd have to deal with him still living at his parents' house, and having his phone taken away.

    When I was 40, I dated a 23 yr old. I felt he was really more like 18 in maturity, in a lot of ways. His living situation was awful..he had a bunk bed in a shared room. Those types of things are part and parcel of dating someone in their early 20s. They don't have their act together, typically.

    The question is, are you ok with that?

    Why doesn't he get his own place?

  3. #3
    Slow Worm's Avatar
    Slow Worm is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    London UK
    Posts
    529
    It sounds very odd that he is so much under his father's influence.

    Do you know the basis for it?
    Does his father maintain this by financial power i.e. he provides money or at least a lifestyle in excess of that the son could provide through his own likely earnings? What is his career market position, educational status, etc?
    Or is the son an unusually submissive individual? Or do the family come from a very patriarchal subculture, where the son feels he has a strong duty to obey his father regardless of his own inclinations?

    You make no mention of his mother. Is she there? Could it be that she is dead and he feels he is under an obligation to her to remain with his father, and so refrains from any action which would lead to a breach between them?
    Angel likes this.

  4. #4
    fiorinda's Avatar
    fiorinda is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Yorkshire UK
    Posts
    481
    Do you really want to be involved in a relationship with this much drama? And with someone who isn't mature enough to stand up to their family, who allows their father to confiscate their phone like they're a kid?! I know I couldn't be bothered with that kind of ridiculousness!!

    My husband was 22 when I met him (I was 46) and totally independent. The relationship would certainly never have flourished if he had still been under his parents' rule. I'd cut my losses and move on if I were you, honestly.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

  5. #5
    gorillagirl Guest
    drama.drama.drama and probably huge lies....i'd leave this nonsense alone.

  6. #6
    Sophia is offline Neophyte
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    19
    I donīt like the sound of this to be honest. 23 and this controlled? 23 isnīt even that young, he has been an adult for 5 years!!! He should not have stood you up like that when you went to see him! And honestly it doesnīt even matter if he didnīt show up until the last day because he didnīt care enough to make it happen or if he is so oppressed by his father that he couldnīt go. He should or would have found some way to contact you. Or is he a complete incompetent? Do you want a man like that?

    Sorry if I sound harsh but I feel for you and I can imagine how hurt and confused you must have felt.
    fiorinda likes this.

  7. #7
    HotGrandma is offline Neophyte
    Join Date
    Sep 2015
    Location
    Midwest
    Posts
    9
    Quote Originally Posted by VampireKiss View Post
    I started dating this guy, he is 23, Im 45. He lives 5 hours away from me. The age was not an issuez he doesnt care what ppl think and I dont either but thats not the problem here. I have known him about a year and a couple of weeks ago I went to see him irl for the first time. The problem is that he still lives at home and his sister and his father treat him like a child. I went to meet him and he didnt show up that day, so finally on the morning of the day I was leaving, he shows up saying how sorry he was because he had no internet at the home and his sister found out he was supposed to meet me. I left to come home after only spending a couple of hours together and since I have been home, I have onky talked to him when he was at a buddys house as he still has no internet at his home. Hes 23, his father wont let him work as they live in rent geared to income home. Its not our age that is dooming us, its his living situation! I talked to a good friend of mine and he said that if he really wanted to talk to me he would have made an effort to at least go somewhere where he had wifi. I then found out that his father a tually took away his cell phone..at 23! I am at a loss, we are really good together and he is mature etc but his home life is so strained, his dad takes away our only line of communication and I am supposed to be going to down there again in 2 weeks but am reconsidering that as I havent even been able to set the plans straight with him. He cant even stay with me at the hotel because his dad wants him home at 5 pm and he wont stahd up to his dad about his age and not going home. This forum seems to be really supportive..has anyone had issues with not the age but the home life or family? My friend said he just needs to grow a pair and stand up for himself. He is afraid that his dad will kick him out. I think we are doomed unless he stands up for himself. Oh and I have to say that the last time I talked to him was last wed and he apologized up and down for the lack of contact and he told me that he misses me and loves me. Sorry for the spelling mistakes, Im on my tablet. I am so bummed out because we are very good together and very comfortable but the lack of contact is hurting us. Oh and he hasnt been online either so I know he isnt lying to me about his internet etc. Thanks for ur advice..and let me know if u have gone through any of this please
    But he does care what people think. He cares what his family thinks.

    And that's understandable. It's often very difficult to tell one's family one is an an age-gap relationship. But even if you all haven't "come out" to anyone in your families yet, he still needs to treat you with the respect you deserve. And it definitely sounds like he didn't do this.

    It is on your boyfriend to change his living situation. It may be terrible, but your boyfriend is choosing to live this way.

    I know I haven't been on this forum long, but I have been in an age-gap relationship for two and a half years, and I've found out that the best thing you can do is be honest and tell him, "Look. Maybe you want to continue living at home, but I won't put up with this nonsense again. If I come to see you, you'd better do whatever needs to be done to make sure this doesn't happen again. Otherwise, we can 't be together."

    VampireKiss, I'm not trying to be unkind. But you deserve to be treated right. And this isn't right. And I would say this to anyone being treated this way, whether they were in an age-gap relationship or not.

  8. #8
    ButterflyEffect is offline Neophyte
    Join Date
    Sep 2015
    Location
    Norway
    Posts
    11
    Sounds like lies to me.. and even if that's true that he had no Internet connection, he really could have made that effort and go somewhere, get it, inform you somehow..
    Sadly, but I must say it.. that doesn't seem like anything good for you. Too many things to deal with and from my perspective, nothing is sure what is true and what is not. Your pain will never be love.

  9. #9
    Pickles's Avatar
    Pickles is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    United States-East Coast
    Posts
    155
    I also must weigh in with a less that positive position. At 23 , the only reason he should be at home is if he is attending a Uni or something. Or maybe a caregiver to an ailed kin.
    Otherwise? It is as easy as pie as a single to live on your own.
    Something seems off.

    The most crappy job, can afford a ratty little flat all your own. Though lack of bus service in a town or lack of car could cause less ability to break away from parents, specially controlling ones. No way he can have independence and a normal relationship with a person of ANY age in that dramatic stew.
    I'd friend zone him or move off completely. If it is something meant to be special, he can always re-contact you if he hitches up his britches and walks tall out of there.

    My guy (we became serious when he was 23) signaled serious committing to phase one by using a Job Corp during his school break to get a longer visit and pay for it with a working vacation. He has lodging and airfare set aside for when I get my passport and visit him in Poland hopefully mid summer this year. He had to overcome the difficulties of the Zloty/USD differences and the Visa difficulty for his being Polish. And he had to get back to finish the school year.

    Not so much the age of an adult but younger person but independence, can be a very important factor. The line that concerned me was "afraid to be kicked out". If my family was dictating to me so strongly it would be case of you can't fire me... I quit. I'd be saving up and moving O U T.


    (a late reply. I did Not see your post earlier 0_0.. AT ALL. 4 appeared today that are from last week)
    Daisypath Friendship tickers
    ............Unexpected pleasures are sweetest

  10. #10
    Slow Worm's Avatar
    Slow Worm is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    London UK
    Posts
    529
    Quote Originally Posted by Pickles View Post
    At 23 , the only reason he should be at home is if he is attending a Uni or something.
    A bit dogmatic - this is something which varies very much between cultures. In the social setting my parents came from, attending university was seen as one of the more acceptable reasons for a young unmarried person to leave their parents home, rather than for staying. Even so, when my mother left for university (one of the first girls from her village ever to do so) I gather there were doubts among the elderly about the wisdom of it. They may have been prejudiced by the history of a young woman who had left the village during WW1 to do war work, and came back an unmarried mother.

    The general view there then was that the home was the family home and that a young woman would leave on getting married and a young man either on marrying or on departing for distant employment or military service (e.g. my father left home on joining the army), especially if a younger son. For someone of 23 to leave home and move in somewhere nearby, other than following marriage, would be seen as meaning some serious and probably disgraceful breach had occurred between them and their parents.

    When Ann & I settled in our place a few miles from my parents' home, my mother's view was that she knew we wanted our own home, but it would have been nice if their house would have been a bit bigger, as then perhaps we might have lived there as well.

    SW

  11. #11
    fiorinda's Avatar
    fiorinda is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Yorkshire UK
    Posts
    481
    I was about to say that it's not at all unusual for a 23 year old to still live in the family home, though not for the reasons you mentioned Slow Worm. When I left home at 18 in 1983 with no job and no money it was an easy thing to do - I went to view a little flat, agreed to take it and moved in the next week. The government paid my rent, which was Ģ17 a week (about Ģ74 a month). My own daughter was 23 before she earnt enough money to get a place of her own (26 years later), with housing benefit hard to get, which cost her about Ģ350 a month. Sharing a flat or house makes it a bit easier to afford, but rents have shot up in the last few years. I don't know much about wages and rents in the US, but here in the UK it's not easy to find work, particularly work that pays enough to live independently. There is currently a whole generation of single young people here in the UK who can't afford their own homes, whether rented or owned. Certainly though the idea that young people must wait until they marry to leave their parents homes is very outdated.

    However, I think we're probably all wasting our breath on this thread as the OP hasn't even been on the site since 3 days after posting so hasn't seen any of these responses. They won't be the 'right' answers anyway!
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

  12. #12
    Pickles's Avatar
    Pickles is offline Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    United States-East Coast
    Posts
    155
    Quote Originally Posted by Slow Worm View Post
    >snip<A bit dogmatic - this is something which varies very much between cultures.

    SW
    Ya there is regional variation I didn't consider . I was assuming there were in US. An interesting subject that can definitely impact a couple when one has older children in house. I shall make a post of its own
    Daisypath Friendship tickers
    ............Unexpected pleasures are sweetest

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •