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Thread: Back after a cpl years

  1. #1
    orillia is offline Senior Member
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    Back after a cpl years

    Hi you guys,

    Dunno if you remember me..I started on here about 4 yrs or so ago..I was dating a much younger guy who was very confusing (17 yr age difference). Then I ended up with someone who was only 9 yrs younger than me, but that relationship was AWFUL. You guys actually called it as bad and many of you advised me to get out, but it took me a while, just because my ex had a son and 3 cats, and I found it hard to leave my "family", even though my ex was awful.

    I was with him 2 years..finally broke up with him when he broke the camel's back with his final straw. I lived with him for 6 mos, which was intolerable. We couldn't even get along as roommates. I finally moved out of his city altogether, and into a city 2 hrs north. I am much happier here.

    The first guy I dated for any length of time--3 months--was the same age as me. We met through Meetup. Boy did he turn out to be shady. I don't know why I attract shady guys like poop attracts flies??

    I got back on OKCupid..had a few weird dates..then a much younger man (20 yrs difference) contacted me. I had pretty much vowed I would never ever again date a guy in his 20s, not after my bad experiences. But he was adorable. And his profile was smart and funny. I decided to give him a chance but keep it casual.

    HAHAHAHAHA! "Keep it casual" yeah right

    Now it's 5 months later. I've totally fallen for him and he's being just as weird and confusing as my exes. He wanted to set up a 3way with a former lover of his, who is ALSO an older woman. She doesn't live in the same city but visits from time to time. OF COURSE this did not sit well with me. Why should it? I originally told him no. I wasn't interested (not that I'm not open to playing around with him with others, but.. AN EX? No thanks)

    He pushed the issue. Then he kept telling me "you can sleep with other guys" and I knew his ulterior motive was to get me to give him his blesisng to sleep with this woman.

    Yet, he told me I am the best sex of his life. So why does he want to hook back up with this woman so badly? IT hurts..even though, after I broke it off with him, he went overboard trying to tell me, I shouldn't compare myself to her...and he didn't mean to make me feel lesser..

    And he geniunely seems sad that I broke it off. He sounds like he keeps trying to convince himself that, this could never be a long-term thing, because of the age difference. But I think he does have feelings for me.

    How much of this, do you think, is him being a jerk..vs. how much is him being a 29 yr old immature hound dog?

  2. #2
    degausser is offline Senior Member
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    Zero percent of this is his age. Aside from the fact that 29 is well into adulthood, no one of any age who is not a jerk would be trying to pressure someone into having a threesome with their ex.
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  3. #3
    orillia is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by degausser View Post
    Zero percent of this is his age. Aside from the fact that 29 is well into adulthood, no one of any age who is not a jerk would be trying to pressure someone into having a threesome with their ex.
    I wish I could figure out why I keep ending up with douchebags..

  4. #4
    gorillagirl Guest
    i don't know why you keep ending up with douchebags but you could DUMP this guy forever and run away as fast as you can so he can't plead or manipulate you into "getting back together." no contact anymore. be DONE. if this is not your happily-ever-after human, let him go. he doesn't love you or would NEVER have continued to ask you about this 3-some... he just wants his fantasy fulfilled. do not confuse his trying-to-worm-you-back with love or care. here's a suggestion that i've done for over a year and it's fabulous. take a year off and date NOBODY. learn how to be neutrally content without romance and sex. will save you so much drama/heartache. kick him to the curb permanently and stop talking to him.
    theREALTrish likes this.

  5. #5
    truckman Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by orillia View Post
    I wish I could figure out why I keep ending up with douchebags..
    I don't know you so I can only list the usual reasons people have to draw from.

    1. Being with a douchebag is subconsciously more comfortable than being alone.
    2. Low self-esteem
    3. Insecurity
    4. Established pattern
    5. There's something about these douchebags that appeals to you initially which most to all of them have in common - hair color, height, common interest, a certain behavior, etc.

    And so on.

  6. #6
    orillia is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by truckman View Post
    I don't know you so I can only list the usual reasons people have to draw from.

    1. Being with a douchebag is subconsciously more comfortable than being alone.
    2. Low self-esteem
    3. Insecurity
    4. Established pattern
    5. There's something about these douchebags that appeals to you initially which most to all of them have in common - hair color, height, common interest, a certain behavior, etc.

    And so on.
    How about...I don't realize they're douchebags until some time has passed..??

    The last guy I dated before this one..he was my age. I didn't see any signs of douchebaggery til 3 months in, when he started hiding our FB tags. Broke up with him based on this. Guess what? Now he's seeing someone else, and he still has a SINGLE profile up on a swingers website. Shady af.

    Spending time alone isn't a solution either. Been there, done that. i really don't think it's me. I think there's a proliferation of douchebags in the single dating field these days. It's extremely hard to find someone who's honest and not trying to get something out of you. Esp with what I do for a living--I'm a model and an actress. So there are plenty of guys who just want to boast to their friends about whom they're dating.

    This 29 yr old was doing it, too, I found out. Showing my pic to his friends and bragging about the cougar he bagged.

    Yes, I think if you have CLEAR signs someone is shady and you stay with them, that's your own insecurity. But if you give someone a shot because they seem cool..then they let you down, whose fault is that? How did *I* do anything to lead that to happen??

  7. #7
    degausser is offline Senior Member
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    The common denominator in all of your relationships is you (this applies to everyone - if there is a pattern in our relationships, we need to look at ourselves to understand why we keep ending up in that pattern). From what I remember of your previous threads, your last few relationships have all been with the exact same type of douchebag. That isn't a coincidence. I don't think I've ever even met guys who are that particular brand of douchebag, let alone dated them.

    You might want to look into counseling to try to work out why you choose to spend time on guys like this. There is something that is attracting you to this type of person.

  8. #8
    orillia is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by degausser View Post
    The common denominator in all of your relationships is you (this applies to everyone - if there is a pattern in our relationships, we need to look at ourselves to understand why we keep ending up in that pattern). From what I remember of your previous threads, your last few relationships have all been with the exact same type of douchebag. That isn't a coincidence. I don't think I've ever even met guys who are that particular brand of douchebag, let alone dated them.

    You might want to look into counseling to try to work out why you choose to spend time on guys like this. There is something that is attracting you to this type of person.
    It's not like these guys have giant D's on their head.

    A lot of the guys I've dated..women who know them platonically would have NO CLUE how shady they are in their relationships.

    I'll tell you something else..as a model, I get a LOT of married guys, and guys in rel'ships, messaging me on my FB page. They hit on me constantly. I wonder if their wives or gfs would agree with your common denominator theory.

    And no, they haven't been the exact same type of douchebag..unless you wanna lump every guy who can't just be happy with one woman into one category. Which seems to be the majority of men, given my experience with married men/men in rel'ships coming on to me, and not just..dealing with shady men in my own relationships.

    But NO..must be me. I'm just a douche magnet and I need therapy.

  9. #9
    orillia is offline Senior Member
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    You all seem to be missing my point. Guys like that don't make their true character known til you've been dating them a while. And there is nothing in common about any of them that gives off red douchebag flags. Like I said, they do not have Ds on their heads.

    But you guys can keep thinking it's me if you want. Maybe you all suck at being able to tell when someone is playing you, so you don't want to face that you might have dated or currently be dating shady guys.

    Anyway, between the stupid stereotypical generalizations (like, "older men like younger women because older women can't keep up with them!"), and the constant finger pointing on this board ("it must be YOU. YOU need therapy"), I'm done. This forum is worthless.

  10. #10
    theREALTrish's Avatar
    theREALTrish is offline Senior Member
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    You aren't the only woman who gets hit on by married men. One does not have to be a model to have that happen. Given the fact that you constantly talk about being a model, there seems to be some narcissism going on with you. If you keep having problems with all men being douchebags with you, you really need to look inwards. You came here looking for an answer and you don't like the one you're getting. But we certainly aren't "worthless".
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  11. #11
    fiorinda's Avatar
    fiorinda is offline Senior Member
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    I'm not a model so probably my opinion/experience doesn't count (sarcasm alert) but then I've never gone out with a 'douchebag' either. I've met some. Or rather talked to some on dating sites (I've also been approached by married/coupled men, despite not being a model - crikey, how'd that happen?!). I've also started every good relationship I've had for the past 30+ years with sex on the first date (circumstances allowing) and still no douchebags, so I don't agree with the 'make em wait' thing.

    What exactly do you want, orillia? You've asked for opinions on your dilemma. People have given them. Are they not the correct opinions? Tell us what you want us to say. We probably won't say it but I for one am curious. Is only the answer you want to hear to be considered of worth?
    Last edited by fiorinda; 04-19-2016 at 03:56 AM.
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  12. #12
    truckman Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by orillia View Post
    and the constant finger pointing on this board ("it must be YOU. YOU need therapy"), I'm done. This forum is worthless.
    Well, you asked for advice and we gave it to you. No one gave you their advice trying to hurt, embarrass, or demean you. It all came from a good place and you can consider it or ignore it as you wish. Looking at ourselves objectively is one of the most difficult things any of us can do because often, it hurts.

    There's a guy who comes to my service station every weekday morning for the past month or so at 7:20am, puts a dollar into my tire inflation machine, and refills his right-rear tire. Obviously it has a slow leak. Five week days, four weeks a month, that's $20 he's put into my machine. One of my guys could plug that tire for $8. If he keeps doing this for five months he'll have dropped $100 into my machine which is about what a new tire costs.

    The reality is none of us are perfect, and there is always something we could change in ourselves to make our lives better, happier, easier. That will be a true statement until we die because that's how imperfect all of us are. But imagine your future being mostly douchebag-free. Wouldn't that be worth a bit of introspective thinking on your part? You don't have to say yes by the way . . . there is nothing wrong with refilling the tire every day if that makes you happy.
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  13. #13
    SummerBob is offline Super Moderator
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    Quote Originally Posted by orillia View Post
    Anyway, between the stupid stereotypical generalizations (like, "older men like younger women because older women can't keep up with them!"), and the constant finger pointing on this board ("it must be YOU. YOU need therapy"), I'm done. This forum is worthless.
    I'm sorry you feel that way. No forum is worthless. A forum is just a collection of the people who go there. There is no march-in-lockstep opinion that is shared by everybody on any forum, though there may be more of one opinion than another. No one can solve your problem but yourself, and certainly not anyone on a public forum where you don't even really know the people. Just listen to what people have to say, consider it, take it with a grain of salt if you don't agree with it, and then make your own decisions --- which you will do anyway.
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    Like Abraham Lincoln once said, "You can't believe everything you read on the Internet."

  14. #14
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    whiterose is offline Administrator
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    Quote Originally Posted by orillia View Post
    You all seem to be missing my point. Guys like that don't make their true character known til you've been dating them a while. And there is nothing in common about any of them that gives off red douchebag flags. Like I said, they do not have Ds on their heads.

    But you guys can keep thinking it's me if you want. Maybe you all suck at being able to tell when someone is playing you, so you don't want to face that you might have dated or currently be dating shady guys.

    Anyway, between the stupid stereotypical generalizations (like, "older men like younger women because older women can't keep up with them!"), and the constant finger pointing on this board ("it must be YOU. YOU need therapy"), I'm done. This forum is worthless.
    None of us can be experts on your situation. So, you may want to lower your expectations of us.

    I can, however, tell you MY personal experience. I went through a period in my life where I found that every guy I became involved with were douchebags. After years of crying over these losers, I took a step back and looked at the situation, and realized that *I* was the common denominator. I was involved with these men because I chose them. No one chose them for me. I chose them.

    So, while I had no control over their behavior, I had control of mine. And, I realized that I had not been as careful as I could have been when choosing to allow these men into my life. I wanted a relationship so badly that I was rushing into these relationships without taking time to get to know then over a period of time.

    I am now much more selective. And have lots less drama, too.

    Food for thought.
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  15. #15
    SummerBob is offline Super Moderator
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    I've always hated the word loser, but I can understand why people use it.

    The things that make people losers are the choices they make. You choose to mistreat people, to be unfaithful, to engage in harmful or destructive behavior; that makes a person a "loser". You can just as easily choose not to do those things. Unfortunately, too many people call people losers because they're too old, not that good-looking, shy, not the brightest in their class, not that charming, 50 and not the president of their company, and the list goes on and on. If you try your best and make the most of your life, you're not a loser. If you do your best to treat others right, you're not a loser.

    I think many women end up with douchbags because they have the wrong definition of "loser".
    Last edited by SummerBob; 04-19-2016 at 10:35 AM.
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