10,038 Days between us.

[rainbowcrow]

I wish I had found you guys a few years ago. It would have been fairly helpful. I'm a 26 year old female in a relationship with a 53 year old man. We have 10,038 days between us. (us math majors like to make things complicated). I've been with said older man for about 5 years now. We'll be coming up on our anniversary in a few months.

Now, we never set out to become anything more than friends. We met in a coffee shop. He was in the process of leaving the country and I was a card carrying lesbian... so the odds of us becoming an "item" was equivocal to a snowball's chance in hell. But nonetheless, we had similar interests and really enjoyed each other's company. Ahh, the fates have some sense of humor! We reluctantly "fell" for each other and the rest, as they say, is history.

I won't say things have been easy. He was raised in Japan, and I in America. He spent many years in a military life style.... I was raised by hippies. So not only do we have significant generational difference but we also have HUGE cultural differences as well. However, with those differences have came growth as human beings. Our very different perspectives of the world allows us to give each other insight that we would not have had otherwise.

Despite our differences, a greater struggle has been with the outside world. Such an age difference is either perceived as a joke or as something sinister. Few people accept it until they see us together and can witness for themselves that we really do work well together. We have kept our relationship secret except for the closest of friends. Not for reasons of shame, but because it is easier and less traumatic for me. I've grown tired of having to defend my partner from being considered a lecherous old man; just as he has grown weary of defending me from being considered as a greedy young gold digger, or a confused girl with daddy issues. (the general assumptions made of us) I wish that I could share the beauty of us freely with the world, perhaps some day. But our culture seems to be particularly hard on such huge age gaps.

Another burden, and something to be considered with all large age gap relationships, is that he is older thus his life is likely to end sooner than mine. That will truly be my greatest sorrow. We live our life in full knowledge of this likelihood, as he has already had some health issues related to his previous career. However, we do not look at it like the expiration date on the back of the milk, rather it is a reminder to live each day to the fullest... and that, perhaps, the argument about the wet towel (alright alright, yes, *my* wet towel ) on the floor may not be an important argument to have. I think many people in like aged relationships miss out on this perspective.

I wonder, how do you (those of you who are in functional OMYM relationships) reconcile these issues? I'd be interested to hear how it works with others in this sort of circumstance.

[QuietDido]

What a great first post. It's nice to meet you. Welcome to Ageless.

I never thought of doing the "days apart" thing, what a good idea. I am a 20 year old woman with a 57 year old man, and we are 13,682 days apart (geez that makes it seem so big).

I agree with everything that you have said. I too am sad that our culture is not very accepting of age gaps. I'm not really sure why it is that way because such relationship have been around for thousands of years - you'd think people would get used to them! Unfortunately, we have Hugh Hefner (UGH!) and his blonde, brainless bunny of-the-day and other such people to thank for promoting the stereotypes.

I am like you in that I keep my relationship with my OM to myself for the most part. It's not like I am shameful and want to keep him my "dirty little secret" or something, it just makes it easier for me. I wish it weren't this way, but it is.

The mortality issue is a tricky one yes, but it sounds like you keep it in perspective and have a healthy attitude about it. Kudos to you.

We're all going to die sometime, that's for sure. Sadly, my OM will be going before I do. Well, it's statistically likely that he will. It's the circle of life and he's just a little further into it then I am, but it's going to be okay. I've been a hospice worker for almost 3 years now and I've seen many people die and every time, I felt honoured to help each person through it. It's a sad but spiritual time and even a beautiful time when someone is able to accept it, find peace, and let go. I want to be there for my OM when he goes so I can ensure that he'll be comfortable, at peace, and know that he is loved.

Again, welcome to Ageless.

[Barda_Free]

If I did the math right (English major here!) me and my OM have 17698 days between us (I'm 22, he's 71)

We still haven't told any family-- and really, the burden's mostly on me for that, because he doesn't really care what his brothers and his 93-year-old mother think. (I am a bit concerned about his 42-year-old son, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.) My family is aware that we are friends, my sister is the most understanding, my mother the most suspicious. But, I got lucky in that all of my friends know we are together and are supportive. Some of his friends know, but they also know better than to say anything, good or bad

The mortality thing, well-- I just remind myself that 30-year-olds get killed in car accidents everyday, 9-year-olds get leukemia. And if all goes well, and we have the next 20-30 years together, well, I'll be right there with all the divorcees and cancer/accident widows. Just because nature looms larger than fate doesn't mean I should give up a very good thing.

As for the whole "gold-digging" allegations-- while he's comfortable, I'd make more money killing my parents But also, on a more serious note, it never really seems to occur to people who say that that maybe the older person is partly looking for someone they can trust with their estate. My OM's brothers are not very good with money (the youngest one has been taken in by more than one con man and their "investment schemes"), and his son has severe learning disabilities. Meanwhile, I'm going to be a lawyer, and a lot of his more valuable and prized possessions extend from our shared interests and hobbies, so I know better than most what should be done with them, and what sort of use he'd approve of. Wills are all well and good (and everyone should definitely have them), but really nothing beats having someone you trust at the helm of your estate.

[SummerBob]

Originally Posted by rainbowcrow

Despite our differences, a greater struggle has been with the outside world. Such an age difference is either perceived as a joke or as something sinister. Few people accept it until they see us together and can witness for themselves that we really do work well together. We have kept our relationship secret except for the closest of friends. Not for reasons of shame, but because it is easier and less traumatic for me. I've grown tired of having to defend my partner from being considered a lecherous old man; just as he has grown weary of defending me from being considered as a greedy young gold digger, or a confused girl with daddy issues. (the general assumptions made of us) I wish that I could share the beauty of us freely with the world, perhaps some day. But our culture seems to be particularly hard on such huge age gaps.

I hear this all the time. We've overcome our own inner struggles, but the "outside world" just won't accept us. The cliches and stereotypes about "lecherous old men", "greedy young golddiggers" and my favorite.... "confused girls with 'daddy' issues" have only been repeated about 500,000 times. The question is, what are we going to do about it? "Our culture is particularly hard on age gaps". Yes, you mean the same culture where same-sex marriages are being passed in six states? The same culture that no longer asks if a young couple living together is married or not? The same culture where school boards want sex-ed programs that teach kids how to put condoms on cucumbers? That culture?

The hypocrisy makes me want to throw up!

[SummerBob]

Okay, now that I got my daily rant out of the way, I'll throw in my calculation...

There are 5,380 days between my wife and myself (9/14/57, 6/7/72).

I'm not a mathematician, I'm a programmer. I wrote a Perl script to calculate it.