Feeling whole vs missing something in your life?

[Katrina]

I don't really feel this is a relationship support issue, so hope you don't mind me posting this in chit/chat. But, I read something on another thread that reminded me of something that has been on my mind for a long time. It's this phrase that bothers me: "I don't need anyone to complete me. I am able to do that myself."

For years I have been torn about this statment. When I read that, quite frankly it makes me feel as if I am being labeled a "needy" person just because I feel differently.

In order to understand how I feel about this, you have to know me. In the past, I did have a low self-esteem. But, I can easily say, without a doubt, that I feel 100% confident that I worked through that low self-esteem issue at least 15 years ago, if not more.

My ex-husband and I first separated 9 years ago. We had a very long separation before we finally divorced 6 years ago. So, basically for the past 6 years since our divorce, I have lived my life alone (other than my children of course). That was a choice I made. I knew I could be alone. There was never any question of that. I have been alone much of my adult life. I have been a homeowner since I was 28 years old. Bought my house myself with no help from anyone. I am proud of the fact that I have raised my two children on my own. I am proud of all that I accomplished in my career.

I love myself completely. I believe in my strengths. I have confidence in my abilities. I think I am a beautiful, intelligent, kind and caring person. I LOVE MYSELF!!!

However, for me personally, if I am not involved in a relationship, I feel like something is missing from my life. The only way I can describe it is that when I am not in a relationship, I feel there is a huge hole missing from my heart. An empty space that needs filling. All those years I spent alone, proving that I don't need anyone to "complete" me, actually proved to me that I DO need someone.

Whenever someone asks me "why do you think we were put on this planet?", my immediate response is that I feel we were all put here to learn and to love. So, without that love, I feel we are not complete. I truly feel that I was born to love and to be loved in return.

So, what is your opinion on this? If you are one who feels "complete" without a partner, do you understand my perspective -- that it is completely possible to totally love yourself and yet still feel like something is missing?

For those who feel complete without a partner, how do you distinguish between feeling complete and yet missing having someone in your life? What is the factor that makes needing someone different from feeling complete without them?

Or, am I totally misunderstanding the statement about "not needing someone else to complete you"?

Do we need someone else to love/love us in order to feel complete in this world?

Or, does this all boil down to how you define completeness?

Hmmmmmmmm - well I would say that most people are happier with someone to love them.

But I think that the statement is more about feeling that you MUST have a relationship in order to be happy at all, to be worthwhile as a person. I used to feel that I was worthless and HAD to have a man in my life so much so that I put up with not one but TWO long abusive relationships as I was terrified of being alone.

One day I woke up looked at myself and was honestly sickened - so I pulled myself up, made myself over, got a job, and generally got a life - realised I didn't need anyone - I want someone but I don't have to have someone to be worthy.

Just my humble ramblings.........

Dee x

I have been in relationships and out of them, raised my children without a partner (for the most part), and then have been exceptionally happy in a relationship. I can BE by myself and not be lonely, but alone and amuse myself quite nicely, but I believe that we all (men and women) seek a yang to our ying, a top to our bottom (hmmm, did i say that out loud, lol), another person to "fit with us" who finally and ultimately allows us to exhale so to speak ... I believe that feeling is in-born in all of us.

Having said all that, I am perfectly able to keep myself happy in all areas of life and live fully on my own, but do perfer, have always preferred, that "special person", my soulmate if you will, wherein I am able to ultimately release that particular area of my passion ...

So, in answer to your query, I do miss having a man in my life when that is the case, but I can manage until I find the right one ...

Life has much to offer, we must taste all of it.

e

[BadDreamer999]

I am someone who has been alone for the better part of 13 years..I have had brushes with relationships, that I thought were commitments..anyway, I was committed in them , even though i did not live with them..I have had plenty of alone time..and I do think I need completeness with a soulmate that will be there for me when I wake, and fall asleep with me at the end of the day..Is that a personal "want"? or "need"?
I am tired of long distance emptyness , and the misery of feeling utterly alone.I am changing all that..I have big things in the works.I am ready for the settling down part of my life.I just hope all the alone time I have had, will not scare away my future mate..I mean, I am so independant, and have had to make my own choices as I see fit, what about the componant of another ? someone who wants to open doors for me, someone who wants to open jars of pickles for me, someone who will console me when I am upset?? I know it is pretty normal for most of you to let people in, but for me, I have had to do everything myself, including raising my child...Maybe I am spoiled to having my own way? and maybe I won't be able to handle a help-mate I never had before?But I am so looking foward to being needed, and being useful in anothers life..I want to be complete as a woman in that regaurd..I mean, all these years , so much of my womanly charms have gone to waste.I am diving in, and to me, the water feels fine
<marquee>one dream, one soul...</marquee>
peace

Hi Whiterose,
I understand what you are feeling, but I think a better word to describe your situation is that you have "wants" when it comes to having a man in your life, not "needs".
A relationship is something I feel a woman should want, not so much feel that she "needs" it to complete her life.

We "need" nourishment, oxygen and water.
We don't "need" a man to survive.

With that said, I do agree that life is richer and more full when we have a partner to share it with.
It gives us hope, anticipation and a sense of belonging.
In knowing you through your posts Whiterose,
I think your biggest sadness comes from not being able to "share" your personal daily life with someone right now.

We work so hard to gain a sense of independence as women, but it can leave us feeling rather lonely and isolated.
Yes, our children give us much to be proud and happy about and our careers provide us with a sense of accomplishment and with our material needs, but it's just not the same as having a man in our life that allows us to let the "woman inside us" out to, well, feel like the sensual being that we are.

It is also nice to have that partner in life to "share" with.
To make plans and have that "It's you and me against the world!" type feeling.
With a partner we are not alone in "The Big Plan" and it gives us some purpose in why we set certain goals in our lives.
Yes, the right partner in life can "complete" the picture in a sense, but having a man in our life is by no means our sole validation.

On the other side of all this, is that the wrong man in our life can totally bring everything crashing down and what we hope to have as a fullfilling spiritual bond becomes misery in bondage.

We need to try and not dwell on what we don't have, and yes, I'll say it, concentrate more on what we do have.
I know that is so very cliche and we are all pretty sick and tired of hearing it, I am sure.

I am faced with the same thing Whiterose, but I do not have nice man online that I am committed to, as you are with your Romi.
I have given up on connecting with the YM that I was interested in, (for now anyway), and I am trying not to think about what I am missing.

Just when you least expect it, is when something wonderful walks through the door.
I guess patience is the key and the desire to not give up and always remember that with or without a man in our life, we are okay.

It's a new year Whiterose-
I know there is much happiness in store for you!

I am woman!
Hear me purrrrrrrrrrrr....

Your right about that Sage - when I first met my YM I was in the middle of an unpleasant separation and he was just some young guy I met at work.

Okay he was a cute young guy - but I truly never thought he'd be interested in someone like me. So nothing happened - til after what he thought was a respectful time after my separation was legal. When he did make his move I was astounded!! It wasn't what I was expecting at all! I thought he was being nice to me because he felt sorry for me!

These things truly do happen for us when we least expect it and when even trying is the last thing on our mind!


Good Luck Whiterose - Prince Charming could be just around the corner - or the next..............

Dee xx

[Katrina]

Hold on there!!

With all due respect to you Sage, I never said in my post that I am unhappy or sad.

I really did not want this thread to become an analysis of my feelings right now. My discussion is not about where I am in my life, but about this topic in general.

I seriously just wanted this to be a philosophical discussion about what people feel "completes them".

I am perfectly happy right now with where things are between Remi and me.

Dee: Remi IS my prince charming.

Well that's great - sorry - I'm new- just slap me round the head a bit and I'll soon catch on!!

Dee xx

[Katrina]

Originally posted by Sage
We "need" nourishment, oxygen and water.
We don't "need" a man to survive.

This is the point where we disagree. It's not that I feel a woman needs a man to survive physically... I'm saying that it's my opinion that all human being needs love to survive emotionally.

In my opinion, love is the answer and the meaning of our existence.

[Katrina]

Originally posted by where'stheplot?
Well that's great - sorry - I'm new- just slap me round the head a bit and I'll soon catch on!!

Dee xx

Hey, that's ok!! In no time you'll get sick of hearing me talk about Remi, Remi, Remi, too!

Feel free to smack me too Whiterose!
So sorry.....
Oh, and I apologise for spelling Remi's name wrong too!

Battin 1,000 today aren't I?

Well I've been here half a day and I've found myself saying "My YM" at least fifty times already!


Dee xx

Hey Sage - don't worry about it - I am an expert in the art of putting both feet in my mouth at once

[Katrina]

Originally posted by Sage
Feel free to smack me too Whiterose!
So sorry.....
Oh, and I apologise for spelling Remi's name wrong too!

Battin 1,000 today aren't I?

Oh that's ok. I just didn't want this thread to veer off course. Let's keep this as a philosophical discussion.

And, it's ok about Remi's name, too. Actually, his real name is Romulus, so you weren't off too far. But, his family calls him Remi. And, it's easy to confuse it with the name of the country where he is from, too... Romania.

OK I know you didn't want this topic to go off course - but are there a lot of us who's YM are of a different nationality/race/religious background??

Mine is not from this country though he has lived here for five years. He's Kosovan and he's been through an awful lot at such a young age - perhaps it's made him old beyond his years....

Unfortunately it means we have an extra layer of prejudice (sp) to contend with as people assume he is some kind of scrounger (though he has a good job and works hard - it's so annoying)

Dee xx