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Thread: Being an older woman

  1. #1
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    Being an older woman

    How tough it is to be an older woman? Do we think we lose value?
    I read in one post about how older women become "invisible". Do we really become invisible, or is it that we are used to being visible all the time when we are younger.

    Do we really need to be visible?

    Do we need to feel sexually attractive (to strangers) to feel valuable?
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

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    Blue-Angel75's Avatar
    Blue-Angel75 is offline Blue Angel
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    I am not a female, but I would like to say that I believe it is in the person herself that distinguishes her image and self steem.

    Often women feel trapped in negative relationships for fear of many things such as being alone, or not being able to mate again with a steady partner...and much more.---while we obviously know that there are other type of women that value their time alone, and can coexist on their own without a male in their life. (hopefully not for long )

    As you all know I absolutely love more mature women...so bring them on



    Blue Angel
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  3. #3
    chi77 Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by SheLikesKitties View Post
    Do we really need to be visible?

    Do we need to feel sexually attractive (to strangers) to feel valuable?
    If you don't already have a life partner, yes and yes.

  4. #4
    gorillagirl Guest
    i prefer my invisibility. i feel safer on the streets at home, when i travel, etc...and i don't have to deal with obnoxious idiots approaching me as they did when i was younger. as soon as i'm unable to find a source of sex anywhere on the planet, i'll be really bummed, but for now, i'm okay being un-noticed except by my lover-du-jour. being young and beautiful can be so unsafe and there are so many more opportunities to make mistakes/ get hurt when one is surrounded by potential lovers. as long as i can get just one, i'm cool. i don't want male attention. i would much rather have attention from potential women friends. the relationships last so much longer.
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  5. #5
    soul is offline Senior Member
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    The transition from being youthful to older, is somewhat cruel to the average female. While the youthful years give enough attention to satisfy a female she is attractive/ wanted. Somewhere along that time line when she becomes older, those little signs she once took for granted in her youth generally dissapear.

    Youth has it's own beauty, that is to say, even a young lady, lets say 25, even if she hasn't been fortunate enough to be blessed with universal good looks, her youthful age will make her 'generally' more appealing to a wider audience.

    It's not that the older woman needs wolf whistles as she walks down the street, or get a wink from a sexy stranger each time she steps out of the door. But to have no recognition from day to day and feel invisable will no doubt hurt an older ladies self esteme. I think the feeling invisable will magnify itself more if the older lady is single, because that's for the most part when she needs to be visable.

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    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gorillagirl View Post
    i prefer my invisibility. i feel safer on the streets at home, when i travel, etc...
    I too enjoy the safety of invisibility. In my youth the potential for sexual harrassment was always there and I do not miss that. I never dressed with sexy clothes when going out by myself, I only wore sexy clothes when there was my man with me. I find most sexy clothes uncomfortable anyways.

    Since I was 18, I have always had a man in my life (minus a year or two when I was in my 20s), I was married for 18 years and now for 2 years. I seem to have a "vulnerable" look that some men find appealing. I have always found that I had to work hard to appear unapproachable, to avoid men hitting on me when I was not single. Gaining weight normally did the trick, but that is not very healthy.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  7. #7
    gorillagirl Guest
    There seems to be a difference in the needs of women. I don't think all women need or want male attention. When I'm in large groups (for example, vegetarian/vegan dinner parties), I rarely notice the men. I'm all about wanting to connect with the women. Not that I'm gay- I have sex with men- but in terms of putting the energy out to get to know someone, the "pay off" has always been best with women friends over men. Men=drama. Even in my current situation, my guy=drama. As I age, I want less drama. If that means "giving up" on the idea of finding a MALE true life partner since I'm over 50, so be it. I know the "right" guy is never gonna come along and keep me loved until I'm 80 and dead. It's cool. I'll have more adventures as a single person. I have no intention to every marry again, share real estate again, etc... it's too risky. The guy leaves, you can lose your medical insurance, your house, etc. - never again. I'll have MUCH more fun living in a house growing old with a group of women friends than I would with just one man. Plus, I don't wanna deal with my man aging, going bald, not being able to get it up anymore, old man bad breath, etc. --MAYBE I would live with a man again but I'm not putting my house into any man's name through marriage or any other agreement. EVER. I have cultivated a new friendship with a younger woman. She's definitely young enough to be my daughter and she is the ex GF of that guy who got deported to Mexico in 2008. She is now living with her baby daddy and they have a 4- year old daughter. She desperately needs someone to confide in/get advice from about her relationship problems. Being there for her makes me so grateful I'm no longer 22 and navigating the issues that come with living with a man. I can re-live my younger life vicariously through processing her problems with her. I don't want to do it again myself. Part of accepting aging is accepting the truth of aging. It's in the "crone-ness" that we can come to our most full power and realize our truest selves- we are born alone, we die alone, and anyone we connect with along the way is "just desserts."
    Last edited by gorillagirl; 11-28-2012 at 01:14 PM.

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    Azureth is offline Banned
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    WOW GG, that's quite a pessimistic way of looking at things. While people that get together and stay in love till death do you part may be the minority, that still doesn't mean it doesn't happen. My parents got married when they were both 22 and they stayed together even with all my mothers health issues for 27 years until she died from them. They were always really happy and in love. Even several of the AGR people here have been together and been in love for several years defying what society thinks.

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    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Azureth View Post
    WOW GG, that's quite a pessimistic way of looking at things.
    Maybe you are too young to realize the huge financial and legal upheaval of a divorce. When I got married for the first time, we kept our finances relatively separate, but even then, the few things that we had together represented a loss for me when splitting. Almost 10 years later my ex husband is involved in my financial life through stocks, and other stuff.

    This time I am keeping finances even MORE separate, with a prenup, not changing my name, and other measures.

    Regarding the non tangibles...

    When love comes it comes, it does not matter if you have a moat, iron gates and a dragon as a guard dog. In the meantime it is fun to be not-looking and having fun with female friends. I have realized I need more female friends to do fun stuff that my husband does not want to do. I need a gay friend too. I WANT TO GO DANCING!!!
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    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

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    Azureth is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by SheLikesKitties View Post
    Maybe you are too young to realize the huge financial and legal upheaval of a divorce. When I got married for the first time, we kept our finances relatively separate, but even then, the few things that we had together represented a loss for me when splitting. Almost 10 years later my ex husband is involved in my financial life through stocks, and other stuff.

    This time I am keeping finances even MORE separate, with a prenup, not changing my name, and other measures.

    Regarding the non tangibles...

    When love comes it comes, it does not matter if you have a moat, iron gates and a dragon as a guard dog. In the meantime it is fun to be not-looking and having fun with female friends. I have realized I need more female friends to do fun stuff that my husband does not want to do. I need a gay friend too. I WANT TO GO DANCING!!!
    Oh, I am well aware of how nasty divorce can be, but I wasn't responding to that. More the "I never want to get married because I'll just get screwed over" attitude.

  11. #11
    chi77 Guest
    I agree relationships with other women are extremely important.

    I think that is part of why many women have problems in their relationships with men as their SO, they give up their girlfriends and expect their man to be able to fill in. We get things from our relationships with women that we can't get from men.

    But, I also feel the reverse is true.

    I love everything about men and I have a great deal of respect for them.

    There is nothing like a sweet and tender moment with a man you're in love with, and I'm not talking about sex.
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  12. #12
    gorillagirl Guest
    Azureth- have you actually ever BEEN in a relationship? If not, you can't possibly know the ecstasy and the torment. A bit of objective detachment is safe. Keeps one from being crushed if it doesn't work out. Depending on that "happily ever after" is just a recipe for disaster. You can appreciate it, cherish it, without NEEDING it. Hooray for your parents. Glad to hear you had excellent role models. Now, go find a suitable woman and give her that same level of commitment.
    Last edited by gorillagirl; 11-28-2012 at 08:37 PM.

  13. #13
    gorillagirl Guest
    Chi77- I agree with you also however I'm not going to be depressed and feel like crap if I don't get noticed, approached or grow old with a man. If one comes along, cool. If one doesn't, cool. Either way, I'll have boy toys that fade in and out and (as you know) back in again.
    Whatever happens I'm gonna be cool with it and I will not let some "lack" of a man ruin what's left of my life. In an aging woman's life (post menopause, no need to breed) the man is not the cake.
    He's the sprinkles on the cherry on the icing on the cake. Unless our age gap is signif, our man will likely die on us eventually anyway. We need to be okay with or without a man and the guy needs to be able to be okay with or without us also.
    Honey, I know you well enough to know that you'd rather be alone and happy than trying to make it work with Mr. Nascar Baseball Cap dude.
    Last edited by gorillagirl; 11-28-2012 at 08:48 PM.

  14. #14
    vintagepearl's Avatar
    vintagepearl is offline Love rules without rules
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    Quote Originally Posted by SheLikesKitties View Post
    Do we really need to be visible?

    Do we need to feel sexually attractive (to strangers) to feel valuable?
    Quote Originally Posted by chi77 View Post
    If you don't already have a life partner, yes and yes.
    Love the honesty, Chi! And although I hate to admit it, in form I tend to agree, especially more for us older ones (over 55, I'll be 60 in January).

    My sister, younger by 3 years, and I were talking today about how youth-focused our society is when it comes to opposite-sex attraction and the ongoing obsession to look at least 10 to 20 years younger than your real-time age. Nowadays a 60 year-old woman is expected to look 40-45, and if she happens to look her REAL age, she might be guessed to be even older! Horrors!

    But in content, it would be hard to fall in love with a man of ANY age who valued me for anything less than my whole self.
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    Dwc
    Dwc is offline OWYM AG 16YRS
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    Yes and no to both questions.

    To some of you this might sound like "here's the ideal look on things". I think "visibility" comes with many factors. The media & hype presents how a lady should look in order to be sexy (it differs from century to century) and the norm these days uses young woman in ads and such. There's no doubt that youth is a tangible and valuable beauty, there's also the invaluable and intangible beauty of grace, which cannot be defined by age, like fine wine as it ages (a friend told me that, which after much thought, gotta agree!).

    Men are driven by sight in nature, the reason behind that "sight" is what's in question. Even when a woman of substance is around them, it may not be the first thing they notice. Yes it feels great to be attractive to strangers, although I don't think its healthy to think there's a need to feel validated through these attractions or lack of it. Likewise, its ok to accept compliments gracefully when it comes, there's no need to feel worthless otherwise. It boils down to how good we feel about ourselves and the men (no matter the numbers) who reacts to it merely reaffirms that but shouldn't define it. Besides, men of character who appreciates grace, are a lot lesser in numbers (I'll be glad to be wrong) - so, statistically speaking there's no need to bother about being visible or seen attractive by men in general

    If you ask me, I'd rather be appreciated by men of substance whom are far and fewer by numbers than ogled by high number of men who can't look beyond their eyes. And if I don't meet men of substance, so be it, that's normal (would i get sued for saying that?). Just hoping for the sake of mankind, they aren't extinct haha. Well, uhmm for the sake of fair statement: same for ladies too.

    So long as you feel great about yourself, healthy, happy, comfortable, being of substance just means loving and respecting yourself and carrying your own healthy you, that's really what matters. It's harder than it seems, that's the truth, in all honesty as well, it is far more possible than most would think.

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