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Thread: Is it bad not being very social?

  1. #1
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    Is it bad not being very social?

    For me, I really don't enjoy getting out and doing things that much, except now and then. I prefer to focus on what my interests are and don't enjoy "partying" or activities that involve lots of people. Being around lots of people I get anxiety and I hate it. Often I get made fun of for it and I find it really frustrating, my roommate bugs me about it all the time saying stuff like "Why don't you ever want to party?" or "Why don't you get out and do more?" etc. Now keep in mind he's completely opposite of me, he is one of those guys that is VERY extroverted, always jokes, talks to people etc. etc. so as you can imagine we clash a lot. But is it bad that I really don't enjoy it, especially considering the anxiety I get when I'm around lots of people?

  2. #2
    Dwc's Avatar
    Dwc
    Dwc is offline OWYM AG 16YRS
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    There's nothing wrong with that IMO so long is not a form of depression you're going through. Everyone possess their own characteristics, as there are extroverts, there are introverts and one does not mean its better than the other. There are also cases of social butterflies, who do what they do because they feel lonely as there are those completely opposite because they are self-assured. So long you are happy, good, emotionally balanced, healthy and leading a balanced lifestyle that fits well with your character, how you do it is completely your own ownership.
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  3. #3
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    I find socializing to be exhausting. I can only be out and about for so long before I need to be alone or with only my OM again. I do much better one-on-one than in groups. I normally don't say much when I'm in a group of people because I usually just get talked over or can't hold people's attention. People tend to act stupid in big groups anyway.

    You need to find the amount of socialization that is appropriate for your needs and try to hit that nice target. If you have to go out in a big group for whatever reason (I do next week for work), try to talk to one person at a time to decrease the amount of information your senses are taking in. Personally, another reason big groups exhaust me is because my senses are completely overloaded. There's a lot of information I'm taking in and processing, and at the same time I have to monitor my own facial expressions and verbal responses. So as long as you're not isolating yourself, you should be just fine.
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  4. #4
    gorillagirl Guest
    thatoneperson- your recount of the difficulties in socializing sound just like my friend who has asperger's!
    azureth- you're not giving yourself much opportunity to meet people (women) if you don't go out.

  5. #5
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by gorillagirl View Post
    thatoneperson- your recount of the difficulties in socializing sound just like my friend who has asperger's!
    azureth- you're not giving yourself much opportunity to meet people (women) if you don't go out.
    I know, but thatoneperson describes how I feel.

  6. #6
    gorillagirl Guest
    it seems you want a relationship, so how are you going to get one if you're home /online most of the time?
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  7. #7
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    I think that so long as "not being very social" is characteristic of your personality type rather than symptomatic of something such as an untreated mental illness or some type of personality disorder, it's fine to not be very social.

    I guess the best way to gauge it is according to: How much do you feel it interferes with what you want for yourself, in your life?

    I think that it's also important for you to consider how to best achieve balance between your not being very social with the needs that people whom you care about have for being social.

    I love people. I love to talk with people, hear their stories, learn from them, hook them up with resources, see the cool stuff they show me, etc. I love performing for them, presenting to them, and hitting my mark for them. I'm with people all day, every day from 7 til 4 or thereabouts. And when I'm done for the day, I am done for as much as I love people, they often leave me exhausted. When the work day is over and on the weekends, I want to be by myself, with my SO, my sons, or other select people.

    MM
    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

  8. #8
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    Redhead is offline Senior Member
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    Not everybody has to like to party. I used to dislike parties because I was married with an alcoholic, and I thought that all people like to get drunk on parties. Recently I discovered that there are a lot of parties where not many people get drunk and where I can socialize with people who do not drink at all. I now think I was depriving myself of opportunities to have fun because I had preconceived ideas.

    When I had untreated thyroid problems and a mild depression as a result of that, I often told myself that I don't need people and that I can keep myself busy alone very easily (which I indeed can!!!), but when I got over that depression as my thyroid problems received proper treatment, I realized that I did want to meet people but because of my own insecurities** I had told myself as a cover-up that I did not need or want to meet people. --> I told myself over and over what I wanted to hear so that I had no reason to change my habits. And I even believed my own lies.
    (** I had all these slighly drepressing ideas that the others don't really care to talk with me and all and that I am disturbing, etc. whereas today I know that this is bull****.)

    Ever since I cleared my mind of all the excuses, I have changed a lot.I can connect with people easily - even when they are strangers to me at first - and I can socialize and have fun in a crowd and still have my quiet moments at home. I can have both, and I love it. Ever since I have become more open, I even encounter situations where strangers want to talk with me in situations where I would least have expected it.
    Yesterday for example I went into an organic fast-food place (they sell wraps), and the woman behind the counter was from England. There were no other customers for about 2 hours, and so we started talking privately, and some time next week we are going to meet after work. For a long time I had wanted to have a friend who is an English native speaker, because I love to speak English. Her German is very good, and we can switch between languages.

    In the past, when I was radiating a "closed doors" attitude, this would never have happened to me. My environment mirrors back what I radiate, and I for sure don't want to go back to my old ways. Life is beautiful.
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  9. #9
    Dwc's Avatar
    Dwc
    Dwc is offline OWYM AG 16YRS
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    Quote Originally Posted by Azureth View Post
    I know, but thatoneperson describes how I feel.
    Join a small hobby club or something, things that you'd enjoy doing. Parties are not the only place to meet people and being online doesn't mean you won't meet someone (there's so many stories here that testify that). Just saying, if you've been at something for a long time and its apparent it may not give you what you're looking for, then do something more, something you'd enjoy and not have to force yourself.

    I know this sounds a little cliche, I can't help but notice this even among my friends: very often when we deliberately go looking for love, I mean genuine love, it hardly comes by, or not at all. It comes when its least expected when you aren't looking, quite magical in its own way. It's good for your emotional health if you feel a need to expand your social circle a bit, if you don't and feel ok then you don't. There's no harm in trying out new things and have a breath of fresh air outside. I use to join all sorts of things, but that's me. Offhand, things like photography clubs, hiking clubs, chess club, sports club, pottery club, cooking club, reading club etc there's all sorts - IDK whatever that suits your liking. So, consider the possibility of checking out small hobby clubs, meet people who shares the same interests? Try it moderately first before making a judgement that you'd dislike it. Most importantly, just enjoy it.

  10. #10
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    Thanks everyone, I get what you're all saying. It's just that for me, it's very hard for me to relate to, or have things in common with my peers. When it's a small group it's not so bad, but when it's big or when I'm somewhere with lots of people I feel physically bad. Most things they do just seem "alien" to me, and I have much difficulty interacting. Especially where things such as humor in involved, I just don't understand it most of the time. In the past, every time I have tried to socialize it's turned out quite bad. I don't get things they are saying and when I try to joke or carry on it always falls flat. I don't really mind quite or focused activities where I can do my own thing, but I hate involving myself in things where there are lots of people and noise such as a rock concert, or something where lots of things are going on at once, I feel horrible and feel like I have to get out asap.

  11. #11
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    I enjoy big groups and parties a lot! But not all the time! A few times a year is fine for me. In those events I am usually quiet and I watch other people and hear their conversation, but I wil not compete to be heard. I enjoy to watch people having a healthy good time. I also enjoy being by myself.

    Azureth, whatever your personality is, is fine, but if you have a goal (to have a relationship) you have to have a strategy, a plan, and that may involve going out where you can meet people. Or maybe try dating sites.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  12. #12
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    Where'd this "I want to have a girl/relationship" come from? I never said anything of the sort. I've pretty much resigned myself to singledom as it is. I was simply talking about being social in general.

  13. #13
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    Oops, my bad, I thought that at one point you expressed interest in having a relationship.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  14. #14
    pinkunicorn's Avatar
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    I think part of the problem here, Azureth, is that you are trying to socialize at your roommate's level. I'm guessing most of the people you are around are similar to your roommate, because that's the kind of people he draws in. These people like to "party" all the time, and be around lots of people and lots of activity. You don't. They can't understand that, because they are not introverted, and apparently have yet to achieve the level of reasoning that not all of their peers think and behave like they do. And you end up feeling like something's wrong with you because most of the people you are around are extroverted partiers like your roommate, and you are not like that at all.

    There are plenty of other things to do to socialize at your level without subjecting yourself to large, noisy crowds. There are small clubs you can join that may pertain to your interests: book clubs, modelaires, toastmasters, coffee clubs, hiking/bicycling groups, some churches have young adult groups, etc. Look online at craigslist, meetup.com, etc to find something in your area. And remember, just because you join a club or a group, you are not obligated to attend every meeting or event, either.

    Perhaps you may find your niche in a smaller social group. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I have a feeling that you believe the "norm" for someone in their mid-20's is to have a need to party and be constantly surrounded by people All. The. Time. This is not always true. And definitely does not seem to be true for you!
    Never try to fit in when you are meant to stand out.


  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by gorillagirl View Post
    thatoneperson- your recount of the difficulties in socializing sound just like my friend who has asperger's!
    azureth- you're not giving yourself much opportunity to meet people (women) if you don't go out.
    Oh, that's interesting. If I feel this way at my high functioning level, I can't imagine how much worse it is for your friend.

    @Azureth: Do you have friends you can hang out with one-on-one? Like play video games with and such?

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