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Thread: friend is suicidal and seems committed.

  1. #1
    gorillagirl Guest

    friend is suicidal and seems committed.

    My friend is 50. She's from India but she's lived here 30 years. She was married to a white American guy. They never had kids. She brought her parents over. The parents helped destroy the marriage. Friend has spent 4 years and been on over 200 dates and has not yet found a man to love her. She lost over 100 pounds, looks great. She very stubborn and says nothing will change her mind. She has enough $ to travel, to move, to change her life in any way she chooses. She could get a dog, roommates, move into a group setting, etc.. Nope.
    She told me she's "done" and will be dead by Spring. I have spent hours trying to talk her out of it. She's 100% committed. She's atheist and doesn't believe any Hindu reincarnation stuff. She has a great job, is active in her community, gives Indian cooking classes, loves to play pool, has one brother in another state. Her parents are elderly. She feels obligated to care for them even though she blames them for wrecking her marriage. She was sexually assaulted for at least 10 years when she was growing up (uncle) and she is quite reserved. I love her. It's intense. We had dinner tonight and she said she's 100% committed to ending her life because she will only be happy with a husband/soul mate. She cries herself to sleep every night (for years). Since she seems 100% committed (she's only waiting for the perfect method that will guarantee the job is done), she is refusing counseling, meds, any kind of healing or intervention. My mom committed suicide when she was 50. I'm 50. I contacted some close friends of hers and she is telling them the same thing- dead by spring. :-(

  2. #2
    MissMuffins's Avatar
    MissMuffins is offline Senior Member
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    That's intense.

    The good thing is, she's still talking. That means she wants intervention.

    When this happened to me, I loaded my SO in the rig, took him to the ER and stayed with him until they checked him in to the psych floor. If he had refused to get into the car, I would have called 911 and had the ambulance come get him.

    Don't accept her decision as inevitable. Intervene. Get her to professional help. She's ill and that illness prevents her from making a good decision in this regard.

    MM
    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

  3. #3
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    I agree with MM, get her professional help. Does she love her parents? Is she aware how much grief she will bring to them, and perhaps dishonor? Try to engage that part of her that feels responsibility for her parents to delay her decission at least. Sadly she comes from a culture where women are less valued than men, perhaps she feels that love from a man will validate her. Whatever happens, you should protect yourself, because this could affect you. Big hug.
    You know it's love when the pain of being apart is greater than the pain of being together.

  4. #4
    christina923 is offline Senior Member
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    i wonder why "in the spring". i would guess perhaps she does want intervention. plus she has told so many.... find the help for her. good luck....

  5. #5
    soul is offline Senior Member
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    Hi GG,

    I think your friend is unwittingly being a little selfish to those around her by spreading this intention of hers. Most ( I have to generalise) people who feel suicidle don't share their intent, usually its contained with only how they feel. As example ' I wish I was dead, I wish I wasn't alive, I hate living ' etc etc, it's extremely unusual for someone to set a time frame and alert people around them to what theyre intending to do. However, there is always the possibility your friend is going against the 'norm' and ofc thats what causes the worry and concern.

    Btw my ex of 16 yrs committed suicide and made literally dozens of attempts over the 2 years prior to his death, so I speak with some experience.

    I agree with the others, try and persuade her to get some professional help, if she resists, then try guilt her into doing it, let her know how you feel about it, how it effect everyone else. She's put a great burden on you by sharing this and if your only way to help her is to be a little underhand then do it I say. If she still isn't willing, then try and find some literature and get some professional guidance for yourself from online or any helplines that are in the US for direct assistance.

    This isn't something you should carry alone.
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  6. #6
    gorillagirl Guest
    thanks everyone. she is refusing therapy. she says she already knows what the therapists will suggest (go out, mingle more, take a class, etc) and she's exhausted from trying. we already acknowledged that i am supposed to have her 5150'd here in California (taken by police to the E.R. for a 3 day psych hold) but she says that won't accomplish anything.
    SLK- she kinda hates her parents for being so horrible to her ex husband and she already told me she doesn't care if they are hurt when she dies- they deserve it. she's a very controlled and stubborn woman. another friend (an ex lover) is in full intervention mode as well. he understands her better than i do. my friend is convince that only a husband will make her choose to live. she said "spring" because i asked her to wait until my birthday so we could plan a trip and she said "i will never make it until spring."

  7. #7
    chi77 Guest
    GG I'm sorry you're having to deal with this with your friend.

    I don't mean to sound callous but I have to agree that she is being selfish and not considering what she is doing to you.

    I also agree with Soul that people who are going to commit suicide don't normally make an announcement as something that is going to happen in the future.

    Maybe she's serious, maybe she's bluffing. I think you should definitely have the police take her to the ER for that psych evaluation.

    That will show her that you care enough to take her seriously, and if she's not serious, maybe spending a few days in a psych ward will make her realize that there are people who have much more serious life problems than she does and decide she doesn't belong there.
    debralee and trolleycar like this.

  8. #8
    NY10's Avatar
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    This is very intense, of course it is also something to be taken very seriously. I am unsure as to why someone would be so vocal and open about wanting to kill themselves and even give a time frame on it. I have heard many things in life and have seen depression and suicide first hand but never has anyone sat down with friends and told them their plan and gave them a time frame. Being counseling and therapy are out even though I don't agree with it. Maybe a therapist who won't tell her to mingle or find activities is what is needed, more like a professional who will take her threats very seriously and provide very good help.

    I might also suggest you and other friends stepping in more and doing more activities with her. I know that is hard as everyone has their own issues and things in life but maybe finding time to spend with her, show her company and companion, show her that killing herself is not the only option and there is much more to life and finding a man or husband doesn't mean happiness, you can't depend on a relationship or someone else to bring you joy in life. It sounds like there are deeper issues and she does need serious help from a professional who can get to the bottom of things.

  9. #9
    MissMuffins's Avatar
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    gg,

    This isn't about what she wants. It's about what's best for her. Right now, her illness prevents her from making any good decision regarding her mental health care.

    Although she is not whole-heartedly following traditional Indian culture, in the historical sense it *is* a culturally acceptable practice for Indian women who are unwanted to commit suicide. Some women, such as widows, were expected to. Although these things aren't "supposed" to happen in modern India, they do. It's met with mixed reactions that range from completely turning a blind eye to it, to a weird sort of reverence for having the strength of character to follow a traditional (but now looked down upon) cultural practice.

    Honestly, I wouldn't try to "reason" with her by attempting to get her to understand how her suicide will affect you, her other friends, her brother, her ex or her parents. In the place she currently occupies within her mind, those things will either not make a difference, overwhelm her with guilt or spur her to further anger. Guilt or anger can become the "deciding factor" as to why she should go ahead with it.

    If she didn't on some deeper level want intervention, she would have carried out her plan without saying anything to anyone. She wouldn't have told several people, each of whom would be likely to intervene.

    Do what you need to do, to exercise "due diligence" with regard to her plan. Call the cops and have her held over for 3 day psych eval. Keep calling the cops and having her held over for 3 day evals until it does some good.

    I'm worried about you. This is a horrible experience that you're going through, it's brought out some of the monsters under your own bed, and a good many of the people you'd ordinarily turn to for support are involved in the situation with your mutual friend. Are you doing anything for self care?

    MM
    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

  10. #10
    pinkunicorn's Avatar
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    Funny how many people "think" they know for certain what a therapist will/won't do! A trained therapist will NEVER say "oh, you just need to get out more..." That's just what untrained people do, thinking it will help. A therapist will work with her to determine why she feels the way she does and the best ways for HER to help her deal with those feelings.

    Perhaps she needs to see a psychiatrist for her counseling. A psychiatrist can prescribe medications as well as therapy. If she has something messed up in her brain chemistry, meds may help. At least temporarily.

    This is serious and she's already proven that nothing you or your friends say will help her. It may suck, and she may hate you for it, but you the only way to save her life is to have her committed to a mental health facility.
    Never try to fit in when you are meant to stand out.


  11. #11
    Ashley20 is offline Member
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    Take this for whatever it's worth.

    I have a friend that has been telling anyone who will listen to him for the past 3 years that this is his last day,night,or week on earth,,yet he's still around?Of course we ALL know by now it's just a cry for attention.

    I also have had a couple close friends who killed themselves and didn't tell a soul.It came as a shock to everyone who knew them.

    And of course if some one is hell bent on doing it NOTHING will stop them.


    ..She(your friend) tells you she feels "obligated to care for her parents"??? and just how will she do that after the spring is over if she's dead?That in itself makes no sense ..She had some bad things happen in her life?? who hasn't?? yet we all don't go around saying we are going to off ourself.;you say, and I quote "she's only waiting for the perfect method that will guarantee the job is done"??? well I can think of quite a few ways that could be done very easily,so once again, doesn't make much sense .I will not post how to do a guarantee kill,but there are plenty of them .She thinks her life is incomplete without a husband?? well to that I would have to say with her "issues" I can't see that happening anytime soon.I mean why would someone want to deal with that day in and day out.They would assume the first time things don't go her way she would pull the "I'm gonna kill myself " card...thatís just called manipulation..not many like that kind of drama.Can't say I blame them.

    Tell her she get's what she puts out in the world,If maybe she put some good like going to a children's cancer hospital,or a disabled vets hospital or an animal sanctuary that takes in abused animals or finds a passion in life other then herself and how bad she has it,in other words make her life something other then all about HER,well maybe just then she may become well and see the world is not all about her and others had and have it quite worse.Perhaps then she can become a person she would like to be and others may want to be around or even marry one day.

    This is not a harsh reply,this is a realistic reply because like I said NOTHING or NO one can stop someone who is going to really do it and most don't give seasonal advances in when they will do it.
    "Liberals claim to want to give a hearing to other views, but then are shocked and offended to discover that there are other views."
    William F. Buckley, Jr.....

  12. #12
    MissMuffins's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ashley20 View Post
    Tell her she get's what she puts out in the world,If maybe she put some good like going to a children's cancer hospital,or a disabled vets hospital or an animal sanctuary that takes in abused animals or finds a passion in life other then herself and how bad she has it,in other words make her life something other then all about HER,well maybe just then she may become well and see the world is not all about her and others had and have it quite worse.Perhaps then she can become a person she would like to be and others may want to be around or even marry one day.
    I agree that whatever a person dishes out in life is eventually what comes back to them. I also agree that performing a little public service never hurt anybody, and a case of the "poor me's" can usually be cured by spending time helping someone who's had it rougher than Little Miss or Little Sir ever thought he or she had it. A swift kick in the a-s-s is an efficacious treatment for a good many things.

    First, let's err on the side of caution. If someone is threatening suicide, they need help. If on one hand they don't need help because they're mentally ill--which can be a temporary response to a distressing situation or a permanent biochemical issue--then on the other hand they need help seeing that it's not okay to threaten suicide just to get attention. Three days in the psych ward can help with that. If they're sick, it's a good step toward getting the person the person the medical help he or she needs. If they're not sick, it will embarrass the bejeezus out of 'em and they'll think twice before they pull that again.

    Let's say that you're right and that these threats are nothing more than a bid for attention or a power play. Someone who's so emotionally warped that he or she thinks it's okay to threaten suicide to manipulate people isn't the kind of person you want around children who have cancer, disabled vets or abused animals. There's a reason "threats of suicide" is one of the bullet points on the list of things that are hallmarks of domestic violence. You don't want to take the chance that someone who might be playing power games won't somehow "get off" on the power that goes with having someone "need" their help. You want to make double sure that they are not around vulnerable people or animals, supervised or not. Those are the folks you want to steer toward opportunities like receiving and sorting donations at the thrift shop, picking up litter, preparing community gardens or graffiti removal.

    MM
    gorillagirl likes this.
    "Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it." ~ Marianne Williamson

  13. #13
    Redhead's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MissMuffins View Post
    First, let's err on the side of caution. If someone is threatening suicide, they need help. If on one hand they don't need help because they're mentally ill--which can be a temporary response to a distressing situation or a permanent biochemical issue--then on the other hand they need help seeing that it's not okay to threaten suicide just to get attention. Three days in the psych ward can help with that. If they're sick, it's a good step toward getting the person the person the medical help he or she needs. If they're not sick, it will embarrass the bejeezus out of 'em and they'll think twice before they pull that again.

    Let's say that you're right and that these threats are nothing more than a bid for attention or a power play.
    MM
    You are so right!!

  14. #14
    gorillagirl Guest
    Update: so an older man friend of hers (platonic) has decided to take this over and deal with it and free me from the responsibility. He has known her longer and he's male and she needs some comforting male energy. I'm downgraded for now as a "go to" person. Guy friend said he was able to convince her to do SOMETHING POSITIVE towards getting help but he is keeping it confidential- he won't tell me what they have planned and she isn't telling me now either. I am supposed to see her this weekend (if she's still on the planet). Guy friend said "crisis averted for now" but wouldn't give me any details. Thanks for all your support. I will update as soon as I know more.
    Angel likes this.

  15. #15
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    Glad to hear it. Please keep us posted.

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