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Thread: Is it bad not being very social?

  1. #16
    Angel's Avatar
    Angel is offline Anger Thrives In A Fool
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    I hate groups of people. I feel like the spotlight is on me even at dinner functions and just want to run away. It fills me with anxiety just to answer the phone or door! I usually pretend I'm in a box and no one can see me. I, also, feel like I'm a different species from others. I look like them but I don't think like them. I don't miss social cues, in fact, I'm the opposite and highly sensitive to nonverbal social cues. I feel emotionally exhausted around people after prolonged periods of time (doesn't matter if it's 1 or 100) and need down time alone almost daily.

    Many of those traits are similar for Asperger's, but I do not have it. I do, however, disassociate quite a bit. In fact, I'm amazed how much I do it now that I'm aware. It's almost non-stop. It's common if you've been traumatized or suffered a physical deformity to do that. It's a way of protecting yourself and there's nothing wrong with it in moderation. It's when it becomes your only form of coping that it becomes a problem. I am finding, for me, it is a problem. Anyway, I hope it helps to read you are not alone.

    How often do you go out in a week? What activities do you like to do that involve interacting with others?
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  2. #17
    laurad121 is offline Senior Member
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    I am better in small groups or one on one like a lot of the people here. However, I am not introverted at all. I am the type at a party to flit around and strike up conversations with strangers. I meet a lot of interesting people this way. I find other people love to talk about themselves so I just ask a questions and this leads to conversations. I rarely go to parties anymore, I think that is b/c most people I know have kids and are busy in that stage of life. I now meet people at the bar I frequent (though I don't drink very much, sometimes just soda) on a pretty regular basis. I will be outside the bar for a cigarette and just start talking to a stranger. I love talking to others and feel everyone has something to teach or of interest to talk about.

    For example, I went to the Neil Young concert in NYC this week and my friend and I popped into an Irish bar right outside of Madison Square Garden. My friend went to the bathroom and I ordered an Irish coffee (it was bitter cold outside!) and turned to a stranger next to me and said that it was really making my night to be warming up with a hot irish coffee and to be going to the concert. The person was also going to the same concert and we had a nice conversation about Neil Young's music and life. He was a producer of documentaries and his latest project was fascinating to hear about. He was there with his brother and told me about his kids and wife and it was a very pleasant conversation which my friend joined into when she returned from the bathroom as well as this guy's brother.

    However, I am a major homebody and only go out socially once or twice a week for a little while at a time. Most nights I am home with my man and my daughter

  3. #18
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by thatoneperson View Post
    Oh, that's interesting. If I feel this way at my high functioning level, I can't imagine how much worse it is for your friend.

    @Azureth: Do you have friends you can hang out with one-on-one? Like play video games with and such?
    TOP I really don't think you should automatically assume you have Asperger's. Even trained psychologists can have difficulty telling, I find it funny how GG seems to think she's the authority on it just because she was with a guy that had it (that I hope was officially diagnosed). There are many other disorders that are quite similar to it that can be quite easy to mistake for it.

    Anyway, I really don't have friends that I can do one on one stuff with. I actually have two roommates, the aforementioned one and the other is even worse than me, he NEVER leaves except for work. I do enjoy video games; most notably MMOs.

    Actually a situation came up earlier that I want to share that serves as an example of what I mean by not wanting to socialize all the time. This morning I went out with my roommate, got food, we ate, watched him play a game for a few hours then I went to my room. Normally when I'm in my room I'm usually browsing forums, watching YT vids, or playing games. Anyway, he comes back in and asks me to go hang out in the living room with him, but I declined. Normally unless he's going out to party he's all we do is watch him play a game or watch Netflix, but I swear we've watched pretty much everything on that. I just need adequate alone time; time to think, and time to do what I want to do or I start feeling bad. It just bugs me because it's the same routine with him all the time, and he always says stuff to me like "I don't understand how you can sit in your room and read forums and mess around online all day". Even though I enjoy it.

  4. #19
    gorillagirl Guest
    Azureth- NOWHERE did i say or suggest that "ThatOnePerson" is an Aspie. If I felt that, I would have absolutly said so. I'm blunt. I didn't think it and I didn't suggest it. I just made an observation that someone I hang out with and care for feels that exact same way! Did you notice that I specifically told Sweetie she was NOT an Aspie until she was property diagnosed by a team of specialists. Oh yeh, my friend is diagnosed on the Autism spectrum with Special Education (I.E.P.) services since 5th grade and gets Social Security Disability money and all kinds of funding for services including free college, free housing, free transportation, free medical, etc. Hell, Dept. of Rehab just bought him a brand new laptop. He goes to the gym and he has a (gasp! lover) 'cuz he realized he had to get out of the house and off the computer to have a more full life. Well, never mind about him right now, Azureth, maybe you should shift your way of speaking about your life/personality so that you're not always so focused on how miserable you feel about your lack of relationship and your lack of friends to hang out with and just accept your alone-ness (Buddha dug his) with grace or REALLY START WORKING making that shift. Here: I'll be blunt. Stop whining! Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. To me, you seem stuck in complaining but not taking anyone's good advice to get out a bit more. You just shoot down all good ideas all the time. If you want to be happier, force yourself and fake it til you make it. AT LEAST go do some volunteer work with folks less fortunate then yourself. Maybe volunteer at your local library to teach illiterate adults how to read ...or go read to kids in the cancer unit at your local hospital...find something OUTSIDE OF YOURSELF, bigger than you. You'll meet some good people when you do.
    I'd love to see you write a paragraph full of positivity.
    Last edited by gorillagirl; 11-29-2012 at 11:53 PM.

  5. #20
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    I didn't really get the impression that gg was diagnosing me. I think she found it interesting that I was saying something remarkably close to what her aspie friend says. I certainly don't think I have aspies. I'm just introverted.

    I guess it all depends on how you feel about the whole thing. If you're happy with your current situation, then no, there's nothing wrong with doing what you're doing. But if you feel like you're not getting enough socialization, then you'll have to decide whether the effort to go out and socialize in some respect is worth it to you.
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  6. #21
    gorillagirl Guest
    @Angel- if you're willing, I'd love to hear more about your disassociation. Adam Duritz from the band Counting Crows (I love him!) disassociated for years. Since I love him soooooooo much and since he's never publically described it, if you want to share your experience, I'd love to learn about it. If not, if it's private, of course, that's perfectly fine and sorry for asking.
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  7. #22
    gorillagirl Guest
    I prefer small groups of people unless it's family. Then I prefer large family hang outs 'cuz everyone is so funny and crazy and it's one rocking comedy show from beginning to end. I am used to spending most of my time alone so I'm generally happy after socializing to come home and crash where it's quiet and peaceful. I'm very accustomed to my lover not spending the night also. I prefer it when he does (75-80% of the time) but sometimes he gets allergic to the canyon outside my house and just can't stay over. But after a night with him, I am always happy again to have my bed to myself, until our next sleepover. After being married to my reclusive ex for 13 years, I just got used to being alone and it's mellow.
    Last edited by gorillagirl; 11-30-2012 at 12:31 AM.
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  8. #23
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    I was just thinking about this today. I'm definitely better on a one-on-one basis. I don't enjoy big groups of people because, as thatoneperson said, I feel that I can't express myself because everybody talks so much. When it comes to talking to people, I have a hard time starting conversations, but not keeping up with them. When I got into college, I told myself I would try my best to be more social- but it seems that the people I've met and talked to until now are all about partying, which I don't particularly enjoy either. I think I'm going to join some clubs next semester.

    I have a small group of friends, and most of them are very different from each other, so it is difficult to be all together and hang out. My boyfriend is very, very social- the kind that can talk to absolutely anybody. He has tried to introduce me to his friends, which usually hang out in bigger groups of people. Around them I feel very closed up and I can't be myself. It bothers me, because they are people I think I could actually get along with, but my shyness won't let me. I'm just always afraid of what people will think if I say this or that, in most situations.

    I don't like this about myself at all. I've been trying to be more social, and I've done progress, but it requires constant work, and a strong will.
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  9. #24
    NY10's Avatar
    NY10 is offline Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Azureth View Post
    For me, I really don't enjoy getting out and doing things that much, except now and then. I prefer to focus on what my interests are and don't enjoy "partying" or activities that involve lots of people. Being around lots of people I get anxiety and I hate it. Often I get made fun of for it and I find it really frustrating, my roommate bugs me about it all the time saying stuff like "Why don't you ever want to party?" or "Why don't you get out and do more?" etc. Now keep in mind he's completely opposite of me, he is one of those guys that is VERY extroverted, always jokes, talks to people etc. etc. so as you can imagine we clash a lot. But is it bad that I really don't enjoy it, especially considering the anxiety I get when I'm around lots of people?
    I find nothing wrong with this. Some people are very outgoing and have to be the life of the party, some like to go out to clubs and bars on the weekends, many enjoy concerts and crowds and lots of people, others hate it. I know that there was a time I would never go out. I had many friends who would always invite me places and want to do things and I was just not into it. I didn't enjoy clubs and bars, didn't feel like getting all dressed up and partying till the early morning hours, for me I enjoyed staying home on the weekends in my sweats watching movies, reading, going online. Some thought it was very strange and I have to admit there were times I thought something was wrong with me as well. I was not depressed or in a bad state I just was not into the going out factor, I went to school and work and was so tired come Friday afternoon the last thing on my mind was partying. I enjoyed being with my family. Going to see my elderly grandparents and spending time with them.

    However, about a year ago that all changed. I went out to a bar with some friends and had a great time, for the next few months to follow it became an every Friday night thing, we would drink and dance and have a great time, I met new amazing people and formed great relationships. If I didn't try it I would be missing out on a lot now. Of course that quickly died out cause after awhile the bar/club scene becomes repetitive and boring as well. Now I have a wonderful group of friends and an amazing boyfriend and my nights/weekends are spent going to the movies, dinners and the occasional drink at a local restaurant/bar.

    Whatever makes you happy and whatever you are comfortable with is what works for you, you don't have to do things just because others find it's what is "normal" or right. But I do think it's healthy to go out every now and then and meet new people and try new things. Crowds are not my thing either, I am not much of a "people person" and being around loud people and massive crowds gets to me as well, but if you have a group of friends I'd suggest hanging out and doing things outside of the house. A night on the town can be enjoyable.

  10. #25
    SheLikesKitties's Avatar
    SheLikesKitties is offline OW/YM 21YR GAP
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    Quote Originally Posted by Azureth View Post
    It just bugs me because it's the same routine with him all the time, and he always says stuff to me like "I don't understand how you can sit in your room and read forums and mess around online all day". Even though I enjoy it.
    Maybe you should just explain to him that he does not have to understand how, he just has to accept that not everybody is the same and that you have your preferences and he as his.

    My best gf is my totally opposite, she loves to go shopping, and I mean serious shopping! She can go into a store and look at every item there, and move on to the next store an look at every item there, and so on. She tries this and that, it is just sooooo time consuming. On the other hand she considers the computer an office tool and does not spend any time at her computer except when she has work to do. We each consider that our hobby makes sense and is more fun than the hobby of the other one, but we do not put each other down.
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  11. #26
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    Quote Originally Posted by gorillagirl View Post
    Azureth- NOWHERE did i say or suggest that "ThatOnePerson" is an Aspie. If I felt that, I would have absolutly said so. I'm blunt. I didn't think it and I didn't suggest it.
    Sorry, from the way she worded it I thought she had taken it that way.

    Azureth, maybe you should shift your way of speaking about your life/personality so that you're not always so focused on how miserable you feel about your lack of relationship and your lack of friends to hang out with and just accept your alone-ness (Buddha dug his) with grace or REALLY START WORKING making that shift. Here: I'll be blunt. Stop whining! Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. To me, you seem stuck in complaining but not taking anyone's good advice to get out a bit more. You just shoot down all good ideas all the time. If you want to be happier, force yourself and fake it til you make it. AT LEAST go do some volunteer work with folks less fortunate then yourself. Maybe volunteer at your local library to teach illiterate adults how to read ...or go read to kids in the cancer unit at your local hospital...find something OUTSIDE OF YOURSELF, bigger than you. You'll meet some good people when you do.
    I'd love to see you write a paragraph full of positivity.
    WTF?? Stop putting words in my mouth! I have not been talking about how "bad I feel" or "Wanting a gf". This is the second time you've done this. I only asked one question: "Is it bad not being very social?" that's it. Why you bring up this other stuff is beyond me.

  12. #27
    chi77 Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by DaphneDescends View Post
    I was just thinking about this today. I'm definitely better on a one-on-one basis. I don't enjoy big groups of people because, as thatoneperson said, I feel that I can't express myself because everybody talks so much. When it comes to talking to people, I have a hard time starting conversations, but not keeping up with them. When I got into college, I told myself I would try my best to be more social- but it seems that the people I've met and talked to until now are all about partying, which I don't particularly enjoy either. I think I'm going to join some clubs next semester.

    I have a small group of friends, and most of them are very different from each other, so it is difficult to be all together and hang out. My boyfriend is very, very social- the kind that can talk to absolutely anybody. He has tried to introduce me to his friends, which usually hang out in bigger groups of people. Around them I feel very closed up and I can't be myself. It bothers me, because they are people I think I could actually get along with, but my shyness won't let me. I'm just always afraid of what people will think if I say this or that, in most situations.

    I don't like this about myself at all. I've been trying to be more social, and I've done progress, but it requires constant work, and a strong will.
    I'm the same way and I hate it! I love people and wish I could just start conversations (like laurad says she does) but I get so self conscious and feel like what I have to say is totally uninteresting to them. I can do just a little chit chat for the most part, but as far as having a long conversation with a stranger, it's rare, unless they are very outgoing. It makes it very hard to meet new people.

    My mother will talk anyone and everyone's ear off. My brother is the same way I am. Maybe we just were never able to get a word in edgewise as children so we never learned this skill!
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  13. #28
    gorillagirl Guest
    Azureth-if you read back through your past posts, the SUBtext (past and present) is that you're hoping for your awesome job and happily ever after but you're not able or willing to do the hard work (leaving the house more often than not) it will take to get that job or to meet someone. I dunno what kind of services you receive as person with some differentabilities/disabilities, but you must be entitled to some services, right? Do you access them? Maybe there are even social activities with other persons with disabilities so you can feel less different/more accepted in that peer group. I really hope you follow all the good advice you get here and step outside of your boundaries and take a chance in the real world, as difficult as it is. You won't know who is "out there" unless you go "out." The main thing is to look within the realm of what's reasonably likely to succeed. An LDR with someone in Uzbekistan or Tokyo isn't very likely to work out (do you have money to get on a plane and/or will you get on a plane?) so you might as well seek someone within a short commute distance whose lifestyle and values are similar to your own in an environment where you can feel safe and accepted. I hang out in vegan groups for this very reason. I don't want have a partner who is an eat-meater so I don't seek out opportunities to socialize/date with them. I stick to my comfort zone even when I'm outside the house. I haven't met any future male partners in that space but I've made some friends, both male and female.
    Last edited by gorillagirl; 11-30-2012 at 05:06 PM.

  14. #29
    Azureth is offline Banned
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    Unfortunately, since my DUI I have lost my license for the time being so I can't really go anywhere. I just completed my required DUI classes so hopefully I'll get it back soon enough. It's just hard finding something I can do.

  15. #30
    gorillagirl Guest
    drinking sucks. life is so much better without intoxicants.
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