15 Year Age Difference

[HeyDeb]

Hello friends,

I met my boyfriend when I was 38 and he was 23. The year I turn 41 and he will be 26. It has been a beautiful and wonderful relationship on so many levels. We have begun talking about getting married, primarily him wanting to make me his wife. However, yesterday he seemed very upset and unsure about what our life will look like 20 years from now and if he's willing to sign up for it. He asked me for a week to himself, no contact so that he can think things through and consult trusted friends.

I feel insulted and hurt being asked to stand by while he decides if he wants me.

Does anyone have any experience with this sort of situation?

Our age difference has never been a factor and our future has never been much of a concern until now. I don't know what to make of it.

 

[SheLikesKitties]

I think it is very mature of him to want space to think things out. It is better to go into marriage with eyes wide open, no matter the age gap. My husband and I are 21 years apart. We were separated for 9 months, part of them no contact, in 2 separate countries, before we decided that yes, we wanted to get married.

This november will mark our 15 yr anniversary of meeting in real life.

 

[Inamorata]

Hey Deb,

SheLikesKitties gave a good response and might well be right as she has some experience with this.

I admit that I have a different take but I could be wrong. I hope that what he is doing is a sign of maturity. I just don't know.

I was extremely happily married to a man 15 years younger than me. Our marriage eventually broke up after he incurred brain damage and then became a crack addict (addictions are very common in people with brain damage). We are still good friends.

When we started dating, he was 19 and very sure of what he wanted. He said that if his parents didn't approve he would marry me anyway. Our age difference was never an issue. Once his parents met me they came around and I'm still friends with them after the breakup. We married several years after we began dating and age never came up as an issue for us throughout our many years of marriage.

I recently dated a man who is several decades younger than me and, again, he did not care about the age gap and never questioned moving forward with the relationship because of it. We did break up because of other issues that proved we weren't compatible but nothing to do with age.

I think if either guy had shown concern about the age gap, I would have walked. I would have felt insulted and unloved if that was something that he would consider as an obstacle. A few times I've gone on dates with guys who were more than 20 years younger and they felt it would be an issue if we were to plan a life together so I just walked.

I don't know what would be the right decision for you. My guess, since it seems to have never been an issue before, is that someone said something to him that put it in a very negative light and he decided he'd better think about it. I hope that if he decides not to move forward with marriage that you will understand it has nothing to do with you (age is completely beyond your control) and everything to do with him and his biases (it's just another form of discrimination; the same as if he decided not to marry you because of your skin colour) and fears. If he does decide he wants to marry you then I hope he gives you a full accounting of what happened and the process he went through so that you can decide if it's still a good idea for you to consider marrying him after he behaved in this way.

The French president is 25 years younger than his wife and they have been married for over a decade, and according to everyone around them, extremely happily. When he was first elected, he said it was completely a result of misogyny that people made a big deal about their age difference. They would never have done the same thing if it was the man who was older. And he's right. Look at Trump and Melania. That's how I would expect my partner to be - regardless of the age difference - completely and thoroughly confident in our relationship and that he wants me, and me alone.

I sincerely hope it works out for you whatever he decides. And I hope SheLikesKitties is right that it is showing maturity. You are the only one who knows him so you will have to decide. Good luck!

 

[Corsair]

If he has to think about it than he isn't that into you and is not comfortable with the age gap. At least long term. As someone who also made the mistake once of allowing someone time to think about whether or not they wanted to be with me, I can tell you it is degrading and you will regret it in the future.

Just tell him goodbye and move on.

 

[Islandfoo281]

Hello friends,

I met my boyfriend when I was 38 and he was 23. The year I turn 41 and he will be 26. It has been a beautiful and wonderful relationship on so many levels. We have begun talking about getting married, primarily him wanting to make me his wife. However, yesterday he seemed very upset and unsure about what our life will look like 20 years from now and if he's willing to sign up for it. He asked me for a week to himself, no contact so that he can think things through and consult trusted friends.

I feel insulted and hurt being asked to stand by while he decides if he wants me.

Does anyone have any experience with this sort of situation?

Our age difference has never been a factor and our future has never been much of a concern until now. I don't know what to make of it.

Had a older woman basically cut me off recently. I don’t even know if I’m supposed to chase her, but I want to respect her wishes. It hurts.

 

[Pickles]

Not knowing how he presented it, I will say I would not think about it as an absolute negative.

There are certain conditions to seriously think about.
Have you guys gone over the "want kids?" question.
Health questions.
Is there resistance within the families?

No matter the reason it is is always hurtful when a formerly stable relationship has one party question its value for the long-term.
If all the relative issues have already been discussed then if it was me, THEN I would feel my partner was questioning ME/Us, and not the issues