Age is nothing but a number

[whiterose]

When it comes to love, age is nothing but a number - The Daily Illini

 

[theREALTrish]

I've always disagreed with that statement. There are so many things that go into age, and so many things that go into an age gap relationship.

 

[Sweetie28]

Hmm not necessarily. Of course we're talking two consenting adults in a relationship but there are many factors with age that can break a relationship. It really depend on the people involved, but a person at different life stages say a very young person 19 or 18 and someone in their 50s or 60s may have difficulties. It all depends on the maturity levels and life goals. The older person may have already had children, be set in a career and the younger person discovering what they want. They may not know if they want children but then know they do and if the other partner isn't on the same wavelength this can cause problems! Maturity matters a lot more than age but many people don't mature until they get older. For example, no older man or woman wants to be their special someone's parent. Some young people do not get a sense of independence for a while and figuring out what life is all about which includes the not so fun part of being an adult of paying bills, going to work, learning how to live with another person (good and bad), household chores, being responsible for rent or mortage payments, etc. I do not think age itself is a barrier (as long as both parties are legal age) so much as what both people want and maturity levels. Too often the other person being younger the older party lets things slide that shouldn't such as wanting to drink, party, not contribute, etc.

 

[SummerBob]

When people say "age is just a number" they are mostly reacting to disapproval from others. While it's true that many factors go into the success or failure of an age-gapped relationship, and there are things that should be taken into consideration before entering the relationship, consenting adults should make their own choice. That doesn't mean every relationship is good or healthy or the right choice. It just means that age gaps are an individual thing, and it's up to individuals to determine their own comfort level and make a choice based on their own needs. They are the ones who will be in the relationship. Parents may play a role because they love their kids and want them to succeed, but good parents will ultimately let them make their own choice as long as there are no clear red flags. For everyone else it should be "just a number".

 

[gorillagirl]

disagree completely

disagree completely. my 50+ year old friends are so different from my 20-30 year old friends. no comparison. and i'm much more able to relate to peeps my own age. friends in my own peer group share more common history/interests/values AND are so much more reliable.

 

[whiterose]

When people say "age is just a number" they are mostly reacting to disapproval from others. While it's true that many factors go into the success or failure of an age-gapped relationship, and there are things that should be taken into consideration before entering the relationship, consenting adults should make their own choice. That doesn't mean every relationship is good or healthy or the right choice. It just means that age gaps are an individual thing, and it's up to individuals to determine their own comfort level and make a choice based on their own needs. They are the ones who will be in the relationship. Parents may play a role because they love their kids and want them to succeed, but good parents will ultimately let them make their own choice as long as there are no clear red flags. For everyone else it should be "just a number".

Exactly.

Of course people of different ages are different. That isn't the point. The point is that if you love someone, the age of that person shouldn't matter. That's the premise of this site folks.

 

[truckman]

The point is that if you love someone, the age of that person shouldn't matter.

Except it does. What matters is how we deal with it and in my mind, that's the premise of this site - discussing with others how to deal with it in a postive, healthy way - not to unilaterally say age doesn't matter.

Feel free not to agree.

Truckman

 

[Bella]

I totally agree, truck. It would be foolish, like in my case to say age doesn't matter. I'll be retiring, he's still progressing in his career. I've got more aches and pains, I can't physically do some of the things I did even when we got together 15 years ago. The point is how to deal with those issues in the context of these unique relationships, and still grow as a couple.

That's the whole point of needing a support site. Where else could one go to discuss those kinds of issues and have anyone else who could identify with how it feels. I'm past the point, for now anyway, of needing support, but people just starting out sure aren't.

That article irritates me as one of my pet peeves is calling it an age gap relationship just because it's the woman who's older. 4 years is not an age gap, just because the woman is older. My daughter is a year older than her fiancee, and has even had people call HER a cougar, for pete's sake. Ridiculous, and society needs to get over the assumption that the man HAS to be the older one.

You can't say the age of the person doesn't matter, and in my opinion, that's not the premise of this site. The age DOES matter, but how to make it work anyway is the premise of this site, and always has been. Pretending the age doesn't matter doesn't make it go away. Having somewhere to go discuss things regarding age without having the response be, "well what do you expect" like it usually is out here in the world is important.

 

[swirlingnurse]

I totally agree, truck. It would be foolish, like in my case to say age doesn't matter. I'll be retiring, he's still progressing in his career. I've got more aches and pains, I can't physically do some of the things I did even when we got together 15 years ago. The point is how to deal with those issues in the context of these unique relationships, and still grow as a couple.

That's the whole point of needing a support site. Where else could one go to discuss those kinds of issues and have anyone else who could identify with how it feels. I'm past the point, for now anyway, of needing support, but people just starting out sure aren't.

That article irritates me as one of my pet peeves is calling it an age gap relationship just because it's the woman who's older. 4 years is not an age gap, just because the woman is older. My daughter is a year older than her fiancee, and has even had people call HER a cougar, for pete's sake. Ridiculous, and society needs to get over the assumption that the man HAS to be the older one.

You can't say the age of the person doesn't matter, and in my opinion, that's not the premise of this site. The age DOES matter, but how to make it work anyway is the premise of this site, and always has been. Pretending the age doesn't matter doesn't make it go away. Having somewhere to go discuss things regarding age without having the response be, "well what do you expect" like it usually is out here in the world is important.

I agree as well. I say it matters in different ways. On one hand, it matters because there are challenges to being with someone that is much younger or older than you are depending upon the situations and circumstances of your relationship. On the other hand it does matter because the attraction you can have (as in my case), is deepened and enhanced BECAUSE of the age gap. It can be one, the other or both.

 

[SummerBob]

Except that "age doesn't matter" is really something meant to ward of un-called for disapproval of something you have a right to pursue because you're an individual seeking your own happiness, and the person with whom you're seeking happiness is a consenting adult seeking the same happiness.

Of course no one takes "age doesn't matter" literally. It would be like saying "cancer doesn't matter" after you were just diagnosed. There are certain things you're going to go through no matter how ardently you deny it. If age really "didn't matter" we could all just claim it and live forever!

The context of that statement is that no one has the right to judge you when you're doing nothing wrong.

 

[Pickles]

Ah you worded it so much better than I would have Summerbob.

When I have heard "age is a number" it is usually to defend the fact that yes, you are over 40 and not playing checkers on a porch or playing dead. Or if romances that oi vey you are not ready for teh convent yet!

As a saying I treat it same as "Love is blind" "size doesn't matter""it's whats on the inside"..

I personally find with my friends as well as my partnership, age matters far less than education, class, interests and upbringing. And chemistry of course ^_^

 

[oldwargamer57]

Ah you worded it so much better than I would have Summerbob.

When I have heard "age is a number" it is usually to defend the fact that yes, you are over 40 and not playing checkers on a porch or playing dead. Or if romances that oi vey you are not ready for teh convent yet!

As a saying I treat it same as "Love is blind" "size doesn't matter""it's whats on the inside"..

I personally find with my friends as well as my partnership, age matters far less than education, class, interests and upbringing. And chemistry of course ^_^

Does that mean size does matter! Boy am I outa luck!! :tongue2:

 

[SummerBob]

Ah you worded it so much better than I would have Summerbob.

When I have heard "age is a number" it is usually to defend the fact that yes, you are over 40 and not playing checkers on a porch or playing dead. Or if romances that oi vey you are not ready for teh convent yet!

As a saying I treat it same as "Love is blind" "size doesn't matter""it's whats on the inside"..

I personally find with my friends as well as my partnership, age matters far less than education, class, interests and upbringing. And chemistry of course ^_^

Thanks, Pickles.

I looked at the date of my comment and I wrote it soon after I had been diagnosed as a "high risk glaucoma suspect". That diagnosis threw me into a tailspin and I was not doing well at all. I started drinking more, eating more, not exercising, and just basically threw in the towel. It kind of fits with "age doesn't matter" being linked to "[you name the sickness] doesn't matter".

Everything matters and everything doesn't. It's all how you handle it.

 

[ultimatelove]

This is partly right and partly wrong. That is because it differs for different situations and different people. There are relationships where, there is a lot of age difference and it just doesn't matter because there is mutual love among them and that's because, there will be adjustments equally from both. Whereas, there are situations where, age difference matters a lot, primarily because they the age difference matters a lot and they are just not able to adjust with each other.

 

[SummerBob]

My father used to say "life is what you make it".

Well, age is what you make it.

Years ago I read a touching story in Reader's Digest about a young couple about to get married. Well, touching for most people, for me is was kind of cliché-ish. They were both 25, engaged and head over heels in love. He was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer and they got married anyway. The story describes their honeymoon in Hawaii, making passionate love on the beach, and how she got pregnant with his "love child". At the end he dies and she goes on to raise his child alone.

What if, instead of cancer, he was 80 years old? Gasp!!!!! But in reality they would have spent the same amount of time together and the logistics of their relationship would have been the same. If he was a healthy 80-year old they could have done the same things as in that story, maybe with the help of some Viagra.. LOL! Also, the story would have ended the same. I won't hold my breath waiting for Reader's Digest to print my version of the story. Somehow we have a different feeling about age in our society than we do about sickness... even if age is a natural process. Also people would have made assumptions about their motives. The words "gold digger" and "lecher" come to mind.

 

[Magnolia]

Age is a number but it is not. . . less important. If love starts to bloom everything else become less important.

 

[SummerBob]

People have age preferences, so in that sense it's not "just a number" to them. Just as some people have hair color preferences, height preferences and body build preferences. It is just a number from the stand point of other people judging your relationship --- it's none of their business.

 

[Drewright]

Age??

It's been my experience that age really is "just a number" - but WHERE someone is at in their life at their age is honestly what matters most. The real roadblocks to dating older/younger are those things on the "to do" or "have done" list - having children, raising children, career goals, etc.

As a younger man who has mostly dated older women, issues such as kids and career come up often. I've dated older women who desperately wanted children and my being younger was especially attractive to them...for all the reasons you'd think (haha). I've also dated women who either had their children or didn't want them in the first place, leading to the the awkward conversation about "what my expectations are for this relationship". I like kids very much, but don't have any particular pull to be a father so my having them is a non issue.

Career wise, when I was clawing my way up the professional ladder I dated some women who found my struggle frustrating. I was just out of college and seeing a 38-year old medical researcher who I met at a family wedding. I'd been looking for my first real post-college job and over a Thai dinner my girlfriend said "This is a good time and all, but I don't think I want to be with a clerk who works in a pharmacy (my job at the time)". That was pretty damned insulting and when we broke up a few months later, I told her I couldn't get that out of my head. My point? The age difference wasn't what broke us up - it was the different places we were in our lives.

Attraction and chemistry certainly matter - and I think if there's a spark between two people they should explore it regardless of the age difference. Ships do crash in the night - but not all of them are going in the same direction.

 

[SummerBob]

My situation was kind of opposite yours. Due to circumstances, some my fault and others not, I was way behind in life for my age. At 23 I started my freshman year of college again, for the third time! College was a real struggle for me, more than any other level of education. I think my problem was more emotional than anything to do with intelligence or skills.

I finally got my A.A. at 25 and had NO success finding a meaningful job. I ended up working as a freezer monitor for a biotech company. That meant I worked weekends in a warehouse recording freezer temperatures in a log book every two hours. They called it "data entry". I finally got a programming job at my father's company for very low wages and worked my way through the rest of college, getting my degree at 30. What's worse, living in the Washington D.C. area I was in one of the most expensive regions in the country. Housing costs for even one bedroom units were out of my league for my entire 20s. I felt that I missed my young adulthood and was attracted to younger women. I wanted that 20-something girlfriend I never had, and to marry that 22ish girl that I saw all my classmates and many of my co-workers marry.

By the time I was "somewhere in life" I was in my 30s and the kind of women I wanted saw me as being too old. At least on this side of the Pacific. If you know me from my other posts you'll know that I went to the Philippines and found somebody over there.

 

[Lovebird]

It's been my experience that age really is "just a number" - but WHERE someone is at in their life at their age is honestly what matters most. The real roadblocks to dating older/younger are those things on the "to do" or "have done" list - having children, raising children, career goals, etc.

As a younger man who has mostly dated older women, issues such as kids and career come up often. I've dated older women who desperately wanted children and my being younger was especially attractive to them...for all the reasons you'd think (haha). I've also dated women who either had their children or didn't want them in the first place, leading to the the awkward conversation about "what my expectations are for this relationship". I like kids very much, but don't have any particular pull to be a father so my having them is a non issue.

Career wise, when I was clawing my way up the professional ladder I dated some women who found my struggle frustrating. I was just out of college and seeing a 38-year old medical researcher who I met at a family wedding. I'd been looking for my first real post-college job and over a Thai dinner my girlfriend said "This is a good time and all, but I don't think I want to be with a clerk who works in a pharmacy (my job at the time)". That was pretty damned insulting and when we broke up a few months later, I told her I couldn't get that out of my head. My point? The age difference wasn't what broke us up - it was the different places we were in our lives.

Attraction and chemistry certainly matter - and I think if there's a spark between two people they should explore it regardless of the age difference. Ships do crash in the night - but not all of them are going in the same direction.

You are absolutely right. It's all about expectations. Btw, it is really insulting of her to say that she doesn't want to be with a clerk, that's pretty low.