MissMuffins
New member
Blended Family Holiday Gatherings: when your parenting styles & expectations conflict
Lovey and I have six children in total: he has four children with three different mothers (two girls, two boys) and I have two sons from my first marriage.
My first husband and I were married 13 years; prior to our divorce, our sons were brought up with the traditional American family gatherings during the holidays. After our divorce, both their father's family and I continued to observe those extended-family holiday gatherings.
The way my ex husband and I were reared, and reared our sons, the expectation is that one arrives at such gatherings at least an hour before dinner starts. Everyone helps with last-minute meal prep, such as making the gravy and setting the table, we nibble on vegetable and relish trays, and hang out with each other. After dinner, everybody pitches in for clean up, we continue grazing, and we hang out, playing games or cards, watching movies, and enjoying each others' company.
My ex husband was in the military and no matter where he was stationed throughout our marriage, this is also how the holiday dinners among shipmates and/or neighbors in military housing were done.
Lovey's daughters have never spent the holidays with him; their mothers were custodial parents, as that's how things were done in those days. He was also, at times, an admitted "deadbeat dad". He married his sons' mother; their marriage lasted 17 years, and their sons upbringing included traditional American holiday dinners with their mother's extended family, or family friends. They did things the same way my ex husband and I did.
This is not how Lovey's sons do things post-divorce.
They show up when dinner is served and leave within a few minutes of eating, like our home is their all-you-can-eat restaurant. I've never seen anything like it. Lovey and I combined households a couple of weeks before Christmas 2011. That year and every year since, we've had Christmas dinner. That year and every year since, he's handled meal prep and I've purchased the groceries...whether or not my own sons were here (my sons performed military service and were stationed on the east coast or overseas). That year and every year since, his sons rock up for dinner about 15 minutes before they've been told it will be served, and leave within 15 minutes of it being over.
I don't begrudge them the groceries; the best gift I could give Lovey is Christmas dinner with his sons, and I'd rather put out the cash for that than buy him an equal dollar amount worth of stuff he doesn't need (and packaging I'd have to nag him to toss).
Every year, we go through this thing where he's upset and cranky-ish with me because his sons haven't come to spend time with him on the holiday. I think he needs to be cranky with them rather than with me. So that's one thing.
The other thing has to do with his sons treating this place like their own private restaurant, which I've mentioned before. Yesterday it escalated. Lovey's talked to them, so they were here about 30 minutes before dinner was served and planned to stay afterward, but his younger son complained that dinner was not on the table and being served promptly at the time Lovey had told them it would be. Throughout the meal, he continued making passive aggressive comments and jokes such as thanks for the late dinner until I put an end to it by saying I'd bought all the groceries.
Both of his sons acted like they don't know how to behave at a table with a table cloth on it, until I mentioned something about it being good that I'd bought the tablecloth on clearance instead of paying $30 for it and that my sons' father's re-enlistment bonus had paid for the table.
He also complained that "Santa" had brought a gift for my son and left it under our tree, but not for either one of Lovey's sons.
I would have taken my sons aside and spoken to them privately.
I think it's highly likely Lovey wouldn't talk to his sons at all if I didn't make a point of telling him that's not acceptable behavior toward him or in our home, and then grind on it until he capitulated and spoke to them...which wouldn't guarantee a change in behavior.
I told him that even though it came about by accident, he'd happened across a means of dealing with this that's pure genius: plan to serve dinner an hour to an hour and a half after the time they expect.
I think if they want to treat the place like a buffet restaurant, then I should tell them it's $X a plate and they can't take home any of the leftovers.
Now, if I could just get him to NOT SEND THE LEFTOVERS IN MY DISHES/PLASTICWARE! They don't bring it back in good shape, if they bring it back at all. If they're offended that they're on paper plates and disposable containers, that's their problem. To my way of thinking, they're lucky to be invited back.
MM
Lovey and I have six children in total: he has four children with three different mothers (two girls, two boys) and I have two sons from my first marriage.
My first husband and I were married 13 years; prior to our divorce, our sons were brought up with the traditional American family gatherings during the holidays. After our divorce, both their father's family and I continued to observe those extended-family holiday gatherings.
The way my ex husband and I were reared, and reared our sons, the expectation is that one arrives at such gatherings at least an hour before dinner starts. Everyone helps with last-minute meal prep, such as making the gravy and setting the table, we nibble on vegetable and relish trays, and hang out with each other. After dinner, everybody pitches in for clean up, we continue grazing, and we hang out, playing games or cards, watching movies, and enjoying each others' company.
My ex husband was in the military and no matter where he was stationed throughout our marriage, this is also how the holiday dinners among shipmates and/or neighbors in military housing were done.
Lovey's daughters have never spent the holidays with him; their mothers were custodial parents, as that's how things were done in those days. He was also, at times, an admitted "deadbeat dad". He married his sons' mother; their marriage lasted 17 years, and their sons upbringing included traditional American holiday dinners with their mother's extended family, or family friends. They did things the same way my ex husband and I did.
This is not how Lovey's sons do things post-divorce.
They show up when dinner is served and leave within a few minutes of eating, like our home is their all-you-can-eat restaurant. I've never seen anything like it. Lovey and I combined households a couple of weeks before Christmas 2011. That year and every year since, we've had Christmas dinner. That year and every year since, he's handled meal prep and I've purchased the groceries...whether or not my own sons were here (my sons performed military service and were stationed on the east coast or overseas). That year and every year since, his sons rock up for dinner about 15 minutes before they've been told it will be served, and leave within 15 minutes of it being over.
I don't begrudge them the groceries; the best gift I could give Lovey is Christmas dinner with his sons, and I'd rather put out the cash for that than buy him an equal dollar amount worth of stuff he doesn't need (and packaging I'd have to nag him to toss).
Every year, we go through this thing where he's upset and cranky-ish with me because his sons haven't come to spend time with him on the holiday. I think he needs to be cranky with them rather than with me. So that's one thing.
The other thing has to do with his sons treating this place like their own private restaurant, which I've mentioned before. Yesterday it escalated. Lovey's talked to them, so they were here about 30 minutes before dinner was served and planned to stay afterward, but his younger son complained that dinner was not on the table and being served promptly at the time Lovey had told them it would be. Throughout the meal, he continued making passive aggressive comments and jokes such as thanks for the late dinner until I put an end to it by saying I'd bought all the groceries.
Both of his sons acted like they don't know how to behave at a table with a table cloth on it, until I mentioned something about it being good that I'd bought the tablecloth on clearance instead of paying $30 for it and that my sons' father's re-enlistment bonus had paid for the table.
He also complained that "Santa" had brought a gift for my son and left it under our tree, but not for either one of Lovey's sons.
A) I'm not on Santa duty for them. That's their parent's job.
B) I'd bought dinner and shopped for all the groceries.
C) Neither one of them have ever remembered me during the holidays.
D) It's not my responsibility to make sure Lovey buys them a gift, or has the money to do so.
B) I'd bought dinner and shopped for all the groceries.
C) Neither one of them have ever remembered me during the holidays.
D) It's not my responsibility to make sure Lovey buys them a gift, or has the money to do so.
I would have taken my sons aside and spoken to them privately.
I think it's highly likely Lovey wouldn't talk to his sons at all if I didn't make a point of telling him that's not acceptable behavior toward him or in our home, and then grind on it until he capitulated and spoke to them...which wouldn't guarantee a change in behavior.
I told him that even though it came about by accident, he'd happened across a means of dealing with this that's pure genius: plan to serve dinner an hour to an hour and a half after the time they expect.
I think if they want to treat the place like a buffet restaurant, then I should tell them it's $X a plate and they can't take home any of the leftovers.
Now, if I could just get him to NOT SEND THE LEFTOVERS IN MY DISHES/PLASTICWARE! They don't bring it back in good shape, if they bring it back at all. If they're offended that they're on paper plates and disposable containers, that's their problem. To my way of thinking, they're lucky to be invited back.
MM
