What's new
Ageless Love

This is a sample guest message. Register a free account today to become a member! Once signed in, you'll be able to participate on this site by adding your own topics and posts, as well as connect with other members through your own private inbox!

Communication with EX - I'm guilty

M

miss b

Guest
We broke up over a month ago.............

Yes, since we had the lunch date, that was almost forced on me because he came to my job.....but we've had constant communication with each other since then. He calls using private number and I answer, its a work phone.....we talk....I try to make it brief, but he keeps saying that he loves me.

He came over and was here for the weekend. He took care of me because I didnt feel well. Then he leaves to go to work and we act as if nothing has happened.

He gave my daughters gifts for V-day, they called him to say thanks and then he wants to speak to me. He tells me how he wanted to send me something but thought that I would be upset. He comes over with roses and we just talk. He tells me that he loves me. I say that I love him too.....but so much has happened.

He says that the break up was a mistake. He would do anything to bring us back together. All the time I'm trying to go with the fact that he wants different things in life. A younger woman and someday children.......not me.

Yesterday he calls and talks about how bad things are at work for him. I listen, but dont comment. In some way I feel that he's having a hard time at work because he got a promotion and I encouraged him to apply and normally I would be there to provide assistance to him, but now I'm not. I just listen.

Today he calls and says things at work are still hard for him, and a co-worker mentioned that he should talk to me.......she came out and said that things must be bad at home, he's normally more focused. We both laugh and didnt say anything...then he asked if I can go out of town with him this weekend. I told him that I would call him back

At this point he's called.......but I dont answer.

I feel that I should go on with my life. He admitted that he wants someone younger that will have his child, but we both love each other.......what does one do?
 

eponavet

New member
miss b said:
He comes over with roses and we just talk. He tells me that he loves me. I say that I love him too.....but so much has happened.

He says that the break up was a mistake. He would do anything to bring us back together. All the time I'm trying to go with the fact that he wants different things in life. A younger woman and someday children.......not me.

Yesterday he calls and talks about how bad things are at work for him. I listen, but dont comment. In some way I feel that he's having a hard time at work because he got a promotion and I encouraged him to apply and normally I would be there to provide assistance to him, but now I'm not. I just listen.

..... he asked if I can go out of town with him this weekend. I told him that I would call him back

At this point he's called.......but I dont answer.

I feel that I should go on with my life. He admitted that he wants someone younger that will have his child, but we both love each other.......what does one do?

Well, I think people make mistakes.....we all do. If he made a mistake and has realized it, I think there are times that it can be worked out. But...you have to want it as well. AND I would say it could only happen with tons of communication - possibly counseling - to regain the trust and security you have lost by him saying he might want kids. A lot of people go through that confusion....societies pressures. If he honestly has done some soul searching and decided that you are more important - it might be worth at least talking about.

Would YOU feel like you made a mistake if you didn't explore the option of getting back together? Only you can answer that. You may need to tell him that you need to do some of the same soul searching that he did...and that you aren't sure what can be regained. Keep your self respect and be honest with both of you. It will end up working out for the best.

To me, it sounds like he might be worth the effort. WITH some good communication and not rushing right back into the "old" scenario, but slowly making a new relationship that could, potentially be even stronger. He really might be ready for that bigger commitment that he was scared of before. He might have grown up a little more....:)

Take care miss b....
 
B

bubbleee

Guest
The weasel factor

He's trying to weasel his way back into your graces and apparently it's working. It's not really about whether he loves you or you love him. It's about whether he loves you enough to give up the idea of having his own child because having his own child with somebody else wouldn't compare to being with you.

He'd have to come to me and say, look I've pretty much decided I want you more than anything else and I made a mistake. Lets take the steps to get back on firm footing in our relationship and set a date to be married.

Anything less than that, I wouldn't take from him. Otherwise he's going to weasel, waffle and you are going to continue to be emotionally tossed around. He's almost 30 years old. It's time for him to make his choice.....it's either a life with you and no children of his own or not.

I would NOT go anywhere with him. It's all or nothing time, you know?
 
G

GoldDust

Guest
Caution...caution...caution

Been there, done that, could write a book (maybe I should :rolleyes: given that my "breakup" posts could qualify)

Miss b ... please be very, very careful. I'm not saying that he's not genuinely regretting his decision to leave, but I'm with bubbleee on his one. If it's really meant to be, a reconciliation may happen (but on YOUR terms, and with YOUR best interests in the forefront).

I love this quote from bubbleee's post
"It's time for him to make his choice.....it's either a life with you and no children of his own or not.

I would NOT go anywhere with him. It's all or nothing time, you know?


I wish you well.
 
J

jellybean400

Guest
bubbleee said:
He's trying to weasel his way back into your graces and apparently it's working. It's not really about whether he loves you or you love him. It's about whether he loves you enough to give up the idea of having his own child because having his own child with somebody else wouldn't compare to being with you.

He'd have to come to me and say, look I've pretty much decided I want you more than anything else and I made a mistake. Lets take the steps to get back on firm footing in our relationship and set a date to be married.

Anything less than that, I wouldn't take from him. Otherwise he's going to weasel, waffle and you are going to continue to be emotionally tossed around. He's almost 30 years old. It's time for him to make his choice.....it's either a life with you and no children of his own or not.

I would NOT go anywhere with him. It's all or nothing time, you know?

I agree. 100 %. You deserve to know for sure, not have him come back, and change his mind again. JMHO

I do think that by all of the communication, youre giving him mixed signals though, unless youre really not sure what you want (which i'm guessing youre not sure). If you dont want to go back, you cant have all the communication.
 

special K

dedicated member :-)
He admitted that he wants someone younger that will have his child,


This is your answer....don't set yourself up for greater heartache in the future. Go for a clean break now since it's obvious that he only wants to have his cake (you now) and eat it too (someone to have his baby later).

Don't settle, you will regret it, miss b, believe me....
 
R

Rozie

Guest
Well, I'm willing to admit that maybe my take on him is wrong. Maybe he IS just really confused. Maybe there IS something there you want to salvage. I'm always the pessimist though, and unless he really comes right out and is willing to accept that to have you, he may not have his dream life of white picket fence and children in the yard, I would be careful. Because what he is really offering is acceptance of you until he has another crisis over this issue. I personally couldn't bounce around in a relationship worrying about when my YM was going to take off again.
 
J

jellybean400

Guest
special K said:
This is your answer....don't set yourself up for greater heartache in the future. Go for a clean break now since it's obvious that he only wants to have his cake (you now) and eat it too (someone to have his baby later).

Don't settle, you will regret it, miss b, believe me....

Yes, and my YM also wanted someone to have a baby with...he found her, they had the baby, they all live happily together, and he still wants to call me and talk to me, it just DOESNT work that way...sorry...

People have to make sacrifices for who they want and who they love...if they really love them...
 

Desert Spring

New member
Miss B -

You KNOW that he loves you. You've known that all along. That's why the breakup came as such a surprise, didn't it? That's not the issue here. The issue is whether he is going to BE with you.

If it was a *mistake* to break up with you - he can fix that mistake easily enough. All that he has to say (and mean) is "I'd rather have you and no kids for the rest of my life than live without you. Being with you is worth it".

Is he saying that?

If not, then he's just saying "I haven't met the woman who is going to have my children YET, and until I do, I'd like you to keep me company".

Being friends with benefits with a man you love is chinese water torture. It won't work and you'll end up hating yourself.

Tell him what you need to hear from him bottom-line and that he knows where you are if he wishes to say it.

And then let it go.
 

Jody<3

Registered member
I agree.

I think you need to have a long conversation with each other. It's all or nothing.

Im sure at some point my boyfriend thought he was going to meet someone close to his own age, they were going to fall in love, have a big wedding, buy a house together..have a couple kids..yadda yadda yadda.

Instead, he got me. He moved into a house I already owned. He got my children, the youngest of which was 6 when we started dating, and he won't have any biological children of his own. We won't have a big wedding (I have already had one). He's okay with all that. Your idea of the "ideal" relationship changes when you meet someone you really love, I spose.

Shoot, I thought I was going to grow up and marry a surgeon, get the big house with the white picket fence and 2.5 kids and a station wagon in the driveway, and that didn't pan out either. lol It's life.

So, he can have you, not have the younger woman and a biological child, or he can go ahead and move on and find what it is he is looking for in life, but he can't have it both ways. To continue on like this is just toying with your emotions and sounds like your kids emotions too....

You want to be Ms. Right, not Ms. Right Now, you know?

((hugs)) Im sorry your in this situation...Talk it out, the sooner the better, so you know exactly what you need to do.
 
D

Dave 26

Guest
You want to be Ms. Right, not Ms. Right Now, you know?


Wow.
Powerful statement. This tears me up. I want to have my own babies someday, I reckon, but I wish they could be with Alicia. But she can't have kids. Period. She doesn't want to or was simply afraid to even give it a little try(2 weeks of sex every day????)
I feel like my ex was a quitter on the relationship, but when I read the above sentence I now think that she loves me so much that she's willing to set me free because she knows I do want kids and she doesn't want to rob me of that.
The thing is, I AM willing to have no kids of my own if she would commit to me.
But I know she won't because she is too scared and always has been. I was WAY too patient with her.
Once again, that is a powerful statement.
Dang.
 
B

Buttercup53

Guest
Dave 26 said:
The thing is, I AM willing to have no kids of my own if she would commit to me. . .

I like your attitude and I believe my YM feels the same. He seems to be committed to our relationship and very loyal to me.

We have talked about 'kids' at the beginning of our relationship and he admitted that he never liked them much. I have 3 of my own and I ALSO felt that I was not meant to be with kids for longer than necessay, as they seem(ed) to drain my energy.

I mentioned one time that it would be a perfect arrangement when and if he ever got married that his wife would somehow die and that I would then raise his child. I had also mentioned that we could stay together until the end of my days and then he would be free to get married and have kids.

However, he did mention once that he has no intention to make a family before the age of 43 ( he is 26 now ), but that was before we said our vows .

I guess right now he is in the process of trying to find a 'compromise' or a convincing talk, but let's be realisic , who knows what happens tomorrow?

His family is all for marriage, and this is what they speak of most every single day. But his older brothers have had their ups and downs ( mostly downs ) with their wives, or ex-wives for that matter, and my YM witnessed this first hand.

As for now he seems to go with the flow as he has other issues on his mind.

But frankly if he does mention it again, then I would probably know that I should be preparing for the worst.

Our love would not have been that serious after all. . .
 
Last edited:

yellowrose

Texas Gal
Ms. B, I would NOT go on a trip with him. All it will do is give him his "fix" of time with you. If you haven't had sex with him yet, please don't. He needs to really make a commitment or let you move on in your life. Don't you think it is as simple as that? :)
 
C

Chatterbox

Guest
I'm not worried about someone talking to an ex. I did it A LOT with my ex. I used to call it "sitting with the body". By "the body", I meant the marriage/the relationship. It was part of my mourning, part of letting go. BUT, I did it to understand, to heal, to say everything that I wanted to say and to hear everything that I needed to hear, so I could let go of the dream but still remember what it was like when it was good. It took me a lot of talking to understand how two people who loved each other could end up no longer together. HOWEVER, he was not using my vulnerability to try to get back together with me, and I was not using his caring to try to get back with him. I think that's an important difference from what's going on with you, Miss b.

[EDIT ADD] Another important difference was that we knew the relationship was over. We were both sorry that the relationship was over, but neither of us had a desire to or hopes of getting back together --- that's a big difference from what seems to be going on here. In this situation, I'm not sure that this constant communication is a good idea. I worry that, in this situation, this type of communication is hindering rather than facilitating the healing process. [EDIT END]

I agree with everyone that has said it here and I said it in the other thread: you have made a decision that you wanted to marry him and he moved out rather than marry you or stay and deal with your feelings. Does it matter that he loves you if he won't marry you? Does it matter that he's made it clear that he will only marry a woman with whom he can have children? Does it matter how much he "loves" you if his actions aren't expressions of the kind of love you want? It sounds like you want forever and he wants for now. Knowing all this, is it worth it to you to have him move back in? Those are questions that only you can answer.

Some people DO get back together and it works, and if you and your YM get back together, I hope it does work; but lots of people get back together and it's like living with a corpse. They couldn't admit the relationship was over and they had to get back together with the person before they could fully grasp that the relationship was dead. A relationship is an entity in itself; so sometimes we can still feel the feelings, even thought the relationship is unsalvagable. You could be going through this, Miss b, and HE could be going through this; but life can be sad sometimes, and wishing something wasn't so, doesn't make it not so.

I wish you wisdom to know what is right for you and strength to do what is right for you.

(((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))
 
Last edited:
L

Lovaholic

Guest
Well, you have received some very good advice here. I would agree that a very honest & forthwith conversation needs to occur. IMO men have NO problem having a "good for now girl". You deserve more than that.

My last bf (13 year age gap) wanted children. It was his life long dream. I wasn't sure if I could have anymore or want anymore. (already have 4) It was a constant issue. I did go on natural fertility & didn't use birth control for the 3 years we were together, but I never got pregnant. Another issue was he didn't want to marry me. I believed the marital commitment was just, if not, more important than my commitment to bring a child into this world. We went back & forth and I decided I needed the commitment. We broke up & I had a much needed way over due procedure which made me unable to have children. All the while, he decided "I" was more important than a family & he bought a ring!

Let me tell you I was devastated! Sure he wanted me back, but I knew that some day he would regret not having his own children & resent me for it. I couldn't & wouldn't take that chance nor would I keep him from his dreams. I broke it off all together with him. It took over 6 months to finally stop seeing each other, calling, etc. It's been 1.5 years since then. He is now the proud dad of a 3 month old baby boy.

I ran into his Mom recently & she said he still loves me, will forever, but he is so happy to be a Dad.

As much as it hurt to let him go (he loved me like no other man had) it makes me smile every day to know I set him free (out of my true love for him) and he is fulfilling his life long dream.

Okay so with all that said....tread carefully. Use your age & wisdom wisely on this one. And take my advice with a "bag" of salt!! I'm in a 6 month relationship with a 22 yr old who says he never wants kids (ha! I said that too @ 22)

Good luck...
Lov
 
C

Chatterbox

Guest
Lovaholic is right, Miss b: some people haven't really thought about having children until they are faced with the possibility of never having them. And others who have posted are right, also, some people assume they will have children, but when they fall in love with someone that cannot or will not have children, they find that having children is not the most important thing to them. Some people never thought they wanted them and they found out they DO want them; some people never thought they wanted them and they were right. But once someone makes the decision that they want children after being faced with the possibility of never having them, as in your YM's case, I think it is rare that they change their mind. :(

One last thing, Miss b: ("last" HA! Not bloody likely! :p ) It is VERY common to blame others for influencing someone in a break-up. Some people blame the in-laws; some blame the "other woman/man"; some blame the stepchildren; some think the other person is temporarily insane - it's normal. In some cases, it may even be true, but the person that makes the final decision - the person that ALLOWS him/herself to be influenced - is the person in the relationship.
 
M

miss b

Guest
I decided not to go away with him this weekend. His family went to Marde Gras, and we had planned on going before the breakup. I suggested that he go ahead and go. He said that he wouldnt have any fun without me.

He said that he wants to come over and talk later tonight. I agreed.

At this point, I dont know what will happen. I dont know what he will say. I dont even know what I want him to say.

We just love each other so much and I dont know if thats enough anymore.
 
C

Chatterbox

Guest
miss b said:
I decided not to go away with him this weekend. His family went to Marde Gras, and we had planned on going before the breakup. I suggested that he go ahead and go. He said that he wouldnt have any fun without me.

He said that he wants to come over and talk later tonight. I agreed.

At this point, I dont know what will happen. I dont know what he will say. I dont even know what I want him to say.

We just love each other so much and I dont know if thats enough anymore.

Good choice not to go with him until you know, accept, and agree on what the relationship is now. Good luck!
 
J

jellybean400

Guest
I dont mean to sound grouchy in my posts on this subject, but i AM grouchy regarding this subject...

I dont like feeling like someone wants to take advantage of my love...coming back after they get what THEY want...it reallllly irks me.

Miss b ...i'm not at all saying this is what's happening with you...only YOU know what you need to make you happy. You just deserve to have your happiness in the BEST way possible!
 
G

GoldDust

Guest
I'm glad to hear you're not going away with him, but I TOTALLY understand how it feels to love someone so much and to have someone say they still love you so much. Except for the "living together and engagement ring" parts, you're in a similar position to the one I was in just mere months ago, and continue to struggle with (although I'm finding that "no contact" was definitely the way to go in my case).

I have to agree with Desert Spring:
You KNOW that he loves you. You've known that all along. That's why the breakup came as such a surprise, didn't it? That's not the issue here. The issue is whether he is going to BE with you.

If it was a *mistake* to break up with you - he can fix that mistake easily enough. All that he has to say (and mean) is "I'd rather have you and no kids for the rest of my life than live without you. Being with you is worth it".

Is he saying that?

If not, then he's just saying "I haven't met the woman who is going to have my children YET, and until I do, I'd like you to keep me company".

Being friends with benefits with a man you love is chinese water torture. It won't work and you'll end up hating yourself.

Tell him what you need to hear from him bottom-line and that he knows where you are if he wishes to say it.

And then let it go.

My ex-ym called me 2 months after dumping me to talk to me and basically said that he'd rather have me and no kids for the rest of his life....that he wanted us to move in together.....and if that worked out well, to marry me. And then, within the space of a few days, changed his mind saying he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore. Spare yourself that pain and heartache if you can.

If he's genuine about you being "the right one", not just the "right one for now", then, and ONLY then, you can start rebuilding your relationship. If you're not sure he's genuine (or maybe he's like my ex-ym and he's genuine when he says it but isn't sure of his decision within a short time), then just let it go. Seek counselling (it helps a lot to talk to someone objective), the company and support of friends and family, and move forward with your own life.

If there's one thing I've learned on this forum, it's that I deserve to be with someone who REALLY want to be with me and who really wants to be THERE for me, not just someone who wants me to keep him company while he decides what he wants out of life.
 
Top