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Do you think?

kat7

Active member
long, long explanation, sorry in advance!

Bella D,

Oh, I don't feel scrutinized at all to be honest. I don't think anyone has been rude or disrespectful; quite the opposite. I think everyone has told me exactly how they think and feel, and I'm all about honest discourse.

So to answer your question, I already know that he has slept with other women, particularly during the times that we have been apart with no communication (why not? we weren't "together") But I know that he hasn't had any other relationship of any significance, or he would not be seeing me still. We do have a sort of "deal" I guess you might say. If he sleeps with other women, he definitely uses protection...that's a given. That's our deal. And if he ever has a "relationship" or dalliance or however you want to refer to it and doesn't use protection (which hasn't happened yet) I get told about it and I get to make the choice then whether to sleep with him again or not. We are very honest in this arena, and we revisit it every time we see each other. I don't assume anything, even though we have a "pact" of sorts. He's completely neurotic about getting an STD, he's open and honest about the short lived partners he has had, and so I have to trust him in this area. He's not fallen in love with anyone else in all the time I've known him.

Do I think he's honest with other women about me? No. I don't think he would mention me at all. That might put a damper on any potential partner he would be interested in, don't you think?

So here's how I really feel about this: he's an ex-Catholic, and during the first couple of years of our relationship he broke up with me and devastated me twice because what was essentially happening is that he was meeting women that he wanted to sleep with (as a reminder, we were long distance..330 miles apart at the time,) but wouldn't do that while he was in a commited relationship with me. We'd break up, I'd be a wreck, and two weeks later he'd be back. He'd want to continue our relationship. I know how effed up that sounds. Like most women would dump his ***, right? About every six months this kept happening, and I would get less and less upset about it, knowing he'd be back. Finally I said, "You know what? I don't care about this crap. I understand you're young, you want sexual experiences outside of our relationship. I experimented a lot when I was your age. Do what you have to do, or feel you must, I know you're having safer sex, right?" "Of course." (And we talked/do talk in depth about that, as outlined above.) Since we aren't "commited" we are both free to do whatever it is we want to do. I wouldn't feel badly if I slept with someone else, and I know he doesn't have the Catholic guilt hanging over his head. By all of this, I don't mean to imply that he is promiscuous because I don't think he is at all (and neither am I.) He's not a "womanizer." But if a woman is interested in him, he wants to be able to seize the day, as it were. He's a young man with major depressive disorder whose sexual functioning is sketchy at best due to antidepressants. I do have empathy for him in that regard, because it would be sad to be 27 years old and not know if/when it was going to work. This is something we've had to work around in our relationship. Sometimes it's great, sometimes not so great. I think a younger woman might have less tolerance for that, I'm not sure.

I guess that's the long answer to "would it be okay with me?" Not only is it okay, I suppose I've encouraged it to a large degree. I honestly don't care what he does as long as he's safe. I know him, I know him well. He'll be very lucky if he meets a women as kind, loving and tolerant as me. If he does find a better match, I wish him the best, and I really mean that. He says the same about me. So far, it hasn't happened in either one of our lives. In my case, I don't think I would "go out there" looking for something if he wasn't in my life. In his case, I think he would and does and so far hasn't been successful. Do I take this as an insult to me? Not at all. I can see rationally that he's looking for what he considers a more appropriate partner for the long haul. We are 27 freakin' years apart in age!

I think I will be sad if he finds a significant other, but I don't think he'll end our relationship as a result, just the sexual part of it. And we have a lot more going on than that. I would miss that, but c'est la vie. I do think in his new home now he will definitely seek out a more solid partner than me. As for me, I've lived in this place for 21 years. Ask any woman my age here.....they'll tell you, it ain't the town to find a partner in...there is a very high skew of middle aged and elderly women here compared to men. It's like the male/female ratio in Alaska reversed. I have met very few women in this city who have found the love of their life here. Conversely, I like almost every thing else about it, hence, I don't leave. I have dated here at times when I've been a lot more actively pursuing a partner, and was proposed to twice by quality men, but they didn't float my boat beyond dating.

I do blab on Bella D, sorry, but there's no real cut and dry answer to your question.
 
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TALLBLONDECUTE

Here I am...
Slim Chances....

Kat you have it very clear in your mind what your expectations are, then go for it and enjoy what you have with him....

I agree with you, I have been divorced 8 plus yrs and it is so hard to find the right man.... I am looking for a TALL, dark, educated, single, rich (j/k) man so if you find him send him my way!!! jajaja

Enjoy P. and the best to you.

Rosa

PS I am probably in the 0.5% of any compatibility data base, I am so picky and would not have it any other way! :)
 
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Bella_D

Guest
Yes, I think I can understand, kat. I'm one of those people, like yourself, who can easily work out what aspects of another's behaviour to personalise, and what to accept as being `their stuff'. And its difficult to get mad at someone suffering a mental disorder and depression....deep down you know that they're giving their best and its not about you.

I agree with your assessment of P....i don't think he'll be the one to leave for good, and i don't think he'll put himself in any other situation permanently when what he's got with you is emotionally comfortable and loving. Thats my instinct based on narcissistic types.....I've only ever been involved with one long term, but to this day he still doesn't have a permanet relationship and he still sends me random, pining declarations of love, inviting me back into the `arrangment' we had before I met Stu. I'm not interested of course.

It'll probably come down to what you want, in the end....and I guess thats what you've been contemplating. Its hard imagine something better when you've never had better. But there is. Although Goldie and the rest of us have been urging you to free up your emotional and psychic space for someone new, I'm sure you're smart enough to jump on a good opportunity if it comes your way.
 
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skatergirl

Guest
you know, that's a good question. and i suspect that it's true in all relationships regardless of age. my first love was my age, but he sure went in and out of my life. i'm getting to the point where it's like; what's the point? i love men with all of my heart but it's been one disappointment after another for like 43 years now?! i dunno, i almost want to say who cares if i ever find someone or not, you know? i've had some wonderful experiences, maybe that's enough. i do know that i definitely don't want to be with someone who isn't head over heels in love with me...any version of that is of no interest to me. no quickly waning, comittment challenged, perfectionists, two timers, three timers...bla bla bla. i almost feel like remaining alone instead of settling has some dignity to it. i just don't want second best anymore, you?
 
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