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Feeling Very Sad and Insecure About What to Do


New member
Hi Again Everyone,

I posted here a couple of weeks ago ("How Do I Deal with Her Pulling Away After Three Years?") about the difficult and very unsettling predicament I've suddenly found myself with my girlfriend who is 22-years-older than me that until recently has been a wonderful and fulfilling relationship in so many ways--or so I'd thought. As I mentioned, we first met at work in what initially began as a friendship, but progressed to a romance after we both discovered we both had weekend homes in the same beach town near New York where we both live. I'm 47, she's widowed and in her late 60s with a big birthday coming up in November, which she's very insecure about--on top of which my home that my parents owned where she's stayed with me because hers was rented for financial reasons has been sold.

The sale has been a very contentious and traumatic issue between me and my parents, and now that the house is gone its as if my relationship with her is coming apart too--especially since it was such a big part of our lives together as a couple.

I also don't know what to make of this fact and I'm trying not jump to the wrong conclusions about why she's now pulling away, although I do have to say that in many ways it now almost feels if my house was the only reason why she was dating me and I'm now feeling very hurt and insulted about the potential reality of this if indeed it turns out to me the case. We haven't spoken much over the last couple of weeks save for one call and some texts because she's been out of town at a family wedding for her late husband's grandson, on top of which her stepdaughter's husband is gravely ill and is apparently not likely to pull through, so I've intentionally given her space. The last time we did communicate was several days ago and she was very remote. In the meantime, I've been out of town another wedding for a college friend of mine, and today when I texted her asking when she'd be back and telling her I missed her and wished she could have been there at the wedding with me, I never heard back, although I did she that she read my message.

I just don't know what to make of any of this and I'm trying to figure out how/if we can get things back on track when she gets back, which will hopefully be in the next couple of days. I could really use some advice here.


I am sorry you are going through this. Turning 60 is a big deal for anybody, man or woman. There is no way you can lie to yourself at that age that your life is on the way down, that you have lived more than the time you have left. It is a bit depressing.

On the other hand, if she wants to end the relationship, there is nothing you can do. I guess at this point, just wait and see, and when your heart is ready, move on.


I'm also sorry that you're going through this. If she was only with you because of the house, then you are better off without her. But I suspect there is more to it than that. It seems like she is going through a lot lately. Even positive things like marriages can add to your stress. Is it possible that she is also feeling loss at the sale of the house?

She is turning 70 and she's having a number of other stressors in her life. The house may represent more loss to her, especially if that was where so many happy memories took place. Women are not treated very kindly as they age and sometimes the combination of a milestone birthday with other stressors can cause someone to take stock of their life. Is it possible she is feeling that you are only with her until she exhibits some of the signs of aging that she fears? Does she fear being alone at the end of her life? I don't know the answers to these questions and possibly, neither do you. But they are things to think about.

Fear drives so many of our decisions. If she is not willing to face her fears then there's not much you can do.

You could try asking her out for dinner at a quiet restaurant once things have calmed down. You could tell her that if she really wants to end the relationship you are willing to accept that decision (you must be ready to follow through on this if you say it) but that you want to talk about a few things to see if there are deeper reasons for the split. Then you could bring up those items above, and any others you think might be possibilities. At that point you can assure her that you will continue to be with her and support her (if you will; no false promises). This may have an impact on her, or she may still fear those things and not believe what you say. In the end, you can only give it your best and see if she will open up. If she doesn't, you will have to move on.