Finally Posting

[concretec]

Hi everyone...
I found this site quite a while ago and have checked in on it occasionally, but I think it's time for me to get involved. I appreciate any advice and hope to be more involved with the boards soon.

[disclaimer; my OM is the first serious relationship I've ever had]

I'm 21, my boyfriend is 39 and we've been together for a little over a year and a half. We met through mutual friends and hit it off right away. I had some doubts at first about the age difference but decided he was worth any risk. For the most part our families were suprisingly accepting. (With the exception being that my older sister cornered, assaulted and threatened him at a family wedding where he was my guest, the first time much of my family was meeting him. I immediately cut her out of my life and haven't spoken to her in over a year.)

The problem is I feel things starting to fall apart, and it's tearing me up. I resent my boyfriend's relationship with his father. I know I have no right to, but oh, how I do. My OM didn't date anyone steady for 7 years before we met. During that time his father was his closest friend. They hung out constantly. They rode their motorcycles everywhere together. They were BFF. Now I feel like the dad doesn't like me because I'm stealing his middle aged baby boy from him and the boyfriend resents me because he has less time to spend with his dad. And I'm not making this stuff up. 80% of the "dates" I've been on with my boyfriend have included his parents (because we would go riding together.) Often in this situation I feel like the boyfriend just wants to hang out with his father and I'm only there to keep his mother company. When we do steal a few minutes alone together his father will sometimes make comments like "oh, look at the lovebirds, no time for anyone else", which makes my boyfriend immediately disappear (from me) for a while.

My boyfriend's father has a history of treating women badly (which I've heard personally from my boyfriend's mother, his wife.) He cheated on his first wife. He is crude and chauvinistic. When we are out together he makes comments about every moderately attractive woman who walks by. His wife waits on him at home, doing all the cooking and cleaning, the way he thinks it should be. To hear my boyfriend tell it his dad is the greatest thing in the world, he absolutely adores him (I know, I know, no problem with a guy being close to his dad.) He talks about him all the time. ALL THE TIME. So I'm getting resentful. I took my boyfriend to dinner and he said "its okay, but not as good as the place I go with my dad." I wanted to stab him with a fork. <- unreasonale reaction

It is to the point where if my boyfriend goes to the bar with his dad I get angry. (I swore I'd never be that girlfriend!) I just imagine that his dad is encouraging him to him on some trashy woman. I feel like I will never be as a big a part of his life/ as important/ as loved as his father. In the summer we spend EVERY weekend with his parents. (And he visits his dad at least twice a week other than this, I'm not welcome.) I have begged him for a weekend (one) for just us, and he calls me selfish, telling me that his dad is old (nearly 70), and won't be around forever. I understand that point of view but I need some time with him alone to feel like I matter too. Which brings me to... as his dad gets older and less independent I know things aren't going to get any better concerning this situation.

I honestly did not intend to write this long of a post, or devote it all to my bf's father, but it's obviously weighing on my mind. I feel selfish and horrible for feeling this way, but I can't help it. If I can't get over this I know our relationship is over. Before I was in love, I was a very reasonable person...

How do I work on getting over this resentment?

BTW, I don't necessarily dislike my boyfriends father, he generally is pleasant to me and when I had a flat tire he went well out of his way to help me, which I greatly appreciated.

 

[roxygirl]

communication

#1 rule in relationships...communication. Ive had relationships in the past that communication was a big problem..and even though I spoke up when i felt that something was wrong or bothering me..my spouse or bf didnt care to listen or assist in the conversation.
You need to talk to him more upfront about how you do understand that he wants to spend quality time with his dad..but that its getting to the point where hes neglecting his relationship between you two. I wouldnt say get ugly about it..and i dont believe you would reading how you wrote your post. But if he honestly loves you and cherishes your relationship on some level he will at least make a solid effort..(any effort is better than none) to spend what..a nite or even a weekend. He cant give you the guilities cause your taking him away from time with his dad. What hes doing or saying to you seems like hes the selfish one since hes not paying much attention to what hes doing himself. sounds like to me your bf needs to either make adjustments..and realize your just as important...or you need to make a desision..what makes you happy? not fair to you to sit back while he keeps this up..i know good old dad will leave our earth one day..but 24/7 ..i believe there are some limitations in life. Apron strings seem to be still tight between son and father.
Good luck

 

[concretec]

Thanks guys. I do need to work on my communication, as I usually just let stuff build up until it's too late. :-/

Maybe I wasn't entirely fair to my boyfriend... in the winter we do spend a lot of time together by ourselves and my major issue is with the fact that in his life nothing can ever live up to his father. If I say, "hey, I just watched the weather forecast and they're calling for snow tonight" he may very well reply "I just talked to my father and he said it's gonna be clear, so I think we'll be fine." It would not matter if I had a degree in meteorology, his father said it was gonna be clear, so to him, thats how it is.

But in summer, when the motorcycles make their appearence, it's a different game. Thats when I couldn't pay him to spend a weekend with me alone. Anyone else dating a biker? Because I think the fact that he's a biker is tougher on our relationship than the fact that he's 18 years older than me. His bike is def. the other woman.

 

[Inahnia]

My boyfriend's father has a history of treating women badly (which I've heard personally from my boyfriend's mother, his wife.) He cheated on his first wife. He is crude and chauvinistic. When we are out together he makes comments about every moderately attractive woman who walks by. His wife waits on him at home, doing all the cooking and cleaning, the way he thinks it should be. To hear my boyfriend tell it his dad is the greatest thing in the world, he absolutely adores him

OK..for me this is a huge red flag. Most of us, for better or worse, tend to emulate our parents when we get into a relationship. If he adores his dad as much as you say, he most likely doesn't even see that his dad treats women badly. He thinks this is "normal", even admirable male behavior. (Is this the way you want your life to be?) I think you are already seeing some of this in the way he puts you second to his dad, and I DON"T feel you are being unreasonable to expect to be number one in an adult relationship. The fact that he listens to his dad put your relationship down in front of you, and even seems to side with him by ignoring you, is emotional abuse.

You deserve so much better treatment than this!! It seems to me it will only get worse. If you marry this guy, you are essentially marrying his dad, too, and I think you would begin to see his treatment of you get even worse.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. Just know that your feelings are NOT unreasonable, and don't let this man (or these men) make you doubt your feelings or your RIGHT to be treated as a valuable, lovable, worthwhile woman.

The advice to communicate is always good. I hope you can work things out. (And of course, all the above is based on my own past experiences and my reaction to what I read in your post. If I'm way off base, please forgive me and disregard!)

 

[BlueBird]

I apologize in advance for my very short and harsh but -- as I think -- appropriate advice.

Get rid of him.

BlueBird

 

[scott2075]

There is a point in time that that umbilical cord has to be cut! People are supposed to go away from their families to make their own.
Don't get me wrong, there is nothing in the world wrong with having your dad as your best friend. My dad is my best friend. It comes to the point of it being "creepy" having my dad come along with me on dates. I wouldn't rule out having outings with us all together, but having the dad as the third party in the relationship, its not healthy. The way his dad treats women is the same way he is going to treat women. You are supposed to lie down and say "yes sir" to his every whim and accept his mistreatment of you, according to his dad.
Think about this one long and hard.

 

[concretec]

Thanks for all the advice... I knew I needed to do something...

It just ended... on the phone.
We had plans to hang out tonight, which he bailed on, because he was hanging out with his parents.

So when he finally called me I told he straight out "I want to matter as much to you as your parents, I want you to love me as much as you love them." He replied, pretty angrily, that "Well I've know them for forty years, since I've been on this earth, and I've known you for a year and half, so what do you think?!" When I said "well, I may never know you for 40 years, so does that mean you'll never care about me that much?" he just said "whatever, you're being [expletive] difficult again."

I didn't know whether to scream or cry, so I settled on crying, and it just got ugly. It's my first breakup ever, and it hurts worse than anything I've ever gone through, but after hearing that from him I know that leaving is the right thing to do.

I just can't get over how it ended... that he never loved me like that...
and I think it's funny that because of the age-gap relationship, everyone assumed I was the one with the daddy issues...

 

[Geo55]

big big cyber hug. You're hurting now. It's for the best, you deserve respect and kindness, and to be cared for as much as anybody. There is never an excuse for unkindness. I'm proud of you for loving yourself enough to not allow his disrespect to go on any longer.

another big cyber hug.

 

[TALLBLONDECUTE]

You did well... Let go...

Please do NOT go back with him. It will lead to the same thing. It hurts now but with time it will get better. Hang in there for now!


:bighug:

 

[JennyJen]

You did what is BEST for you! It's gonna hurt now but you'll be fine!!!

 

[RebeccaSue]

Ouch darling, ouch...but!
You took care of youuself! You spoke up

So many people have no understanding of boundaries, enmeshment, emotional incest, etc.
I think you sidestepped a whole lot of yuck. Hang in there!

 

[Greeneyedlily]

I'm sorry sweetie! :bighug:

I was going to say something about needing to pull away, to distance yourself from him, not be available to him, slowly show him that this is not just a small issue and you're not "being difficult" but that he needs to appreciate you. Figuring some space would help him realize this. However, since you have already ended it, I give you props, because as difficult as it was and as sad as you are feeling now, it was the best decision you could make now. He was not treating you like you deserve, and someone else was right about parents behavior is learned and often emmulated by their children, he might not seem like his father now, but just in reading what he said to you when you broke up, and how he was treating you before that, just reiterates that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree!

Be strong, girl, you will find someone MUCH better, who is kind and generous and who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve!

 

[Mishigas73]

So when he finally called me I told he straight out "I want to matter as much to you as your parents, I want you to love me as much as you love them." He replied, pretty angrily, that "Well I've know them for forty years, since I've been on this earth, and I've known you for a year and half, so what do you think?!" When I said "well, I may never know you for 40 years, so does that mean you'll never care about me that much?" he just said "whatever, you're being [expletive] difficult again."

OH WOW.....

If this was the way he reacted, your saying goodbye was certainly for the best. I mean, I have a close relationship with my parents, and my OM knows that (and sometimes it causes strain because both of his parents have passed)....but, I couldn't, even on my WORST day, even think of pulling this crap.

As far as I see it, it's not a competition. Yup, they adopted me, and gave me many things...but, I don't even see where the comparison comes in.

You let go of a real dud, hon. Best of luck finding someone who will give you the affection and adoration you deserve as someone's beloved significant other.

 

[yellowrose]

Who wouldn't cry, being talked to that way. If he measures romantic love with parental love that way, then he is really mixed up.

Sometimes things happen that we don't want to happen. However, it could be life, doing you a big favor. He just doesn't seem right for you. You deserve so much more.

For me, when I have had to go through a really bad breakup, it hurts terribly for about 2 weeks. I think I am going to die during that time. But then, I have a more manageable/? pain and I 'grow' from there.

Take good care of yourself... Hugs... :bighug:

 

[Inahnia]

Good for you! I know it hurts like ****, but you did the best thing for you. Now that you have let that A@#$ go, you have opened the door for someone really special who will love you the way you deserve!! That man is a messed up jerk and like someone else said, you just sidestepped a WHOLE lotta yuck!

So cry all you need to and come here and vent, and feel better every day! You have learned one of the hardest lessons in relationships EVER, which is to have SELF RESPECT FIRST and NEVER SETTLE for bad treatment. It's better to be alone than be with a donkey's butt!!