Functions with your VYM?

[Lovaholic]

Yesterday I was invited to a friend's sons graduation party on June 2nd. My children are invited as well. I asked Nick this morning if he'd like to go with me & his response was an immediate NO! Upon looking at my B**** face he said "I don't even know him".

I was pissed. But should I be?

This would naturally be an awkward event. Boy graduating is 18, older sister 20 (best friends with my 21 yr old son). My vym 22 (23 in Sept). My vym only graduated 4 years ago from the very same HS.

Not that I think that he's even thought this, but, there will be young people there that he knows as this young man graduating is very popular & he lives in the same town as Nick & I. He also has older friends, etc.

Should I leave this alone?

I do get anxious about not being able to take my boyfriend to special occassions with me. Nick told me I was acting like a "school girl". I tried to explain that I just want my boy friend with me at special events. But, maybe this isn't the right event?

How do other OW/YM couples handle these situations? I do know on the flip side that I would probably NOT go to an event with him if it was only his aged friends. But this is a mixed crowd. ??????????

Advice, words of wisdom & experiences needed.

Thanks,
LOVAHOLIC

 

[marcy]

Well, I wouldn't be pissed, but I would want to know specifically what was the objection. No vague crap, I'd need to know exactly why he didn't want to attend. The truth is that adult couples go to events and they attend them together. The truth is also that most guys hate these kind of things at any age. The difference is that your avg 30 something guy knows he has no choice and your avg 20 yo doesn't get that they really have to go.

I'd ask him outright to tell me what exactly is the reason he doesn't want to attend and I'd be prepared to hear... "its boring" "I don't know them" "I don't like them" "I feel weird" "I'd rather play the WII". I'd address the legitimate concerns those would be if he actually said anything of things you suspect and not the lame things I think he'll actually say as stated above. If he really is uncomfortable with the age gap and what his friends or aquaintences think then you guys need to address those right now. A guy that can't be comfy at public events with you is NOT the guy for you and you need to make that clear.

As I said though, my guess is that you will hear the stuff I said and if that is the case then this is one of those times when you have to let him know that adult couples do these things together and if he wants to be in an adult relationship with you then he's gonna have to attend and be personable.

As an aside, I would totally expect Devon to attend and he would totally not want to go. However, he pretty much knows that he has to do these things whether he "wants" to or not at this point.

 

[Silver_Granny]

Marcy always talks sense

Have to concur with Marcy on this one.

I am lucky in that my VYM has always been willing to accompany me. The same goes for me, I went to his friends 21st birthday party recently, fortunately I can still party with the best of them, though bits of the body objected the next day!

It is true that it is often a man thing about some of these events, at times with my ex-husband I thought that I was going to have to find an armed gang to get him to go and he was definitely not a young man lol.

 

[Lovaholic]

I totally agree with you guys. Nick has not ever had a problem attending events with me. I too went to his friend's 21st birthday party & all his Christmas parties. Nick as accompanied me to other events as well. I do suspect it's more about being boring etc. as Marcy said and less of what I think. He did come home for lunch and apologized we didn't discuss it further. I am going to use Marcy's advice & tell him that we are an adult couple & I would prefer him go with me. As a side note my X husband rarely went anywhere with me. It was thoughtless & after many years I was so used to him NOT going that I stopped inviting him. I don't want a repeat of that.

Nick isn't much of a partier & is rather shy & quiet around people he doesn't know so know this is part of it.

If we were to go together it would definetly raise a few eyebrows & I am the only one thinking about that!

thanks girls

 

[sunneeone]

I totally agree with Marcy....

just ask why....you are on the right track....

 

[theartisttwin]

Tell him it would mean a lot to you if he would go and make the visit brief.....just so he can start getting used to it.

 

[irparis]

I was pissed. But should I be?

I'm going to take the opposite view on this.

If he's going to be bored, that means that he's not exactly going to be in the right frame of mind or attitude, therefore he's not going to have a good time. And let's face it, who wants to go to an event with someone who's going to put a damper on the whole show.

And poohy for adult events...you're not joined at the hips and if he does go to other events, why is this one such a big deal. He does have a choice still doesn't he. Expecting him to go to any and all events is like dragging your kicking child to activities that the child doesnt' want to be at. But its one thing if he were your child, where he/she would have to go as you will mandate, but this is your partner...a person with a mind of his own and his own personality, no need to push the envelope, is there.

My mother went to all events either by herself (dragging my brother and I mostly) or with my dad. If he didn't want to go, she never force him or threw a tantrum or made him feel guilty for not going, but she was going whether he went or not. She was her own person whether he was there or not.

yes, it would be nice to have your ym go and be the perfect little gentleman so you can show him off, and show others what a perfect little agr looks like, but its not like he saying no all the time, does he. He may not want or need to go to this one. And why must there be a reason behind his choice. And why does it have to be age related. Could it be he simply does not want to go? Why look for trouble where there need not be?? This isn't a battle that needs to be fought, its minuet next to the big picture, isn't it. The big picture being that he's there with you and no one else.

Paris

 

[Lovaholic]

irparis: I agree! It isn't worth getting in a tiff over. I know he doesn't want to go because he won't have a good time. I remember one event we went to and there were a group of people my age 40's-50's and then another group closer to his age 19-26. He hung out with me all night.

After the party he told me he was very uncomfortable because he felt he should have been with the younger crowd. Obviously, but the party was for my friend and the younger people were only there because one was her son & they really weren't part of the party..so if my vym had left to hang out with the youngins it would have looked rude & inappropriate. I'll bet he doesn't want a repeat of that.

I guess it's one of those ag things that you just hava to deal with. What's one night out 365 anyway???:bgrin2:

 

[Science Goddess]

I don't look at this situation as an AG issue...I see it as a relationship issue.

First, would you feel any differently about him not attending if there was not an AG?

Second, couples usually attend these types of events with/for each other.

It's what couples do.

It's one of the ways that you get to know each other's friends.

It's one of the ways that each other's friends get to know you.


Yes, for some, there is some discomfort but if you can't get past it, what are the chances that you're going to find yourselves together, long-term?

I'm not sure what I think about him 'wanting' to go hang out with the younger crowd. I think that would make me feel uncomfortable, as well.

 

[Jody<3]

Yes, the first time these things come up it can be a bit uncomfortable. I remember the first time J went to school function with my kids and I. There were people there that he went to school with. He graduated from the same school system my children attend (small town schools, one high school, one middle school etc.). He was only 18 when we started dating. The funny thing is, it was me that was the worried one and wasn't sure if I wanted him to go.

And it honestly wasn't because of what I thought people would think about "us" or even about "me", I honestly was worried about what his high school friends would say to him..if HE would be embarassed, etc. Of course, he went anyway, and it was fine. Now he goes to all that stuff, and his sister (who is a school teacher in the same schools) and his mom go too. And it's all fine. I don't think I have ever had anyone say anything or even elude to anything to my face in public. I guess when we first got together we were probably the subject of gossip where we live, but that passes. The "new" wears off, and people find something else to talk about, and the "lady down the street dating the young guy" becomes old news.

Bottom line, if I really had one bit of advice, after 6-1/2 years together, to give people on this website, I would really like them to know that while the first year or so together is somewhat of an adjustment period, and you do go through things that are perfectly normal in this situation, like sometimes feeling a bit insecure for being older, or worrying a bit what people will think about you dating a much younger/older person, etc., this all passes. It honestly does, I swear. And then...as time goes by, the age gap really is not an issue any more in most cases.

I see a lot of long-time members posting on the site, and I remember when they (and myself) were going through these sort of issues, and now when we talk, the only issues I think ever come up have almost nothing at all to do with the age gap.

So yes, I think you should go to these functions together. I think he should attend, with you, as a couple. And if people give you a look or someone whispers something to someone else (which I doubt, but it COULD happen), who really cares? It's just one moment in a whole lifetime of moments, and just one person's opinion out of billions of people on this earth. In other words, it just doesn't matter.

((hugs))

 

[kittylane]

i married adam who is 20 years younger than me and had many moments that i felt the world was judging me and i just wanted the day or event to be over so i could go back to being at home and to be just us.

i love adam with all my heart but i cant say it was always easy to listen to the bs the world had to offer.

yesterday he showed property for me as the poor thing has been roped into helping me on his time off and one of the realtors said to him so "you go for the older ladies, and by the way....you are adorable!" well adam responded to her by saying, my wife is not old and looked at her puzzled????

like saying, none of your business...

it aint always easy walking this walk, even if your boyfriend is sensitive because it is his old highschool i would go easy with it, sometimes it is not fun to deal with the crap the world likes to heap on us because we are with younger men or older wemon.

face it, alot of people think its weird, it still takes a tough skin to just say screw it and go on with life.

with that i also say, this does not mean your boyfriend loves you less.

 

[Science Goddess]

yesterday he showed property for me as the poor thing has been roped into helping me on his time off and one of the realtors said to him so "you go for the older ladies, and by the way....you are adorable!" well adam responded to her by saying, my wife is not old and looked at her puzzled????

Man...I'm usually pretty 'generous' (read: lenient) with people when they make ignorant comments like this. Society is still treating OW/YM relationships as a 'glitch' and thanks to all of the idiotic media about this...eh-hem...'phenomenon'...people still stay stupid stuff like this. Again, I try to be generous because I realize that the OW/YM match-up is still beyond the comprehension of so many people.

However, to me, this was particularly rude because Adam is you HUSBAND.

He's not just some young hottie who has a thing for dating a hottie 'older' woman. You two are MARRIED.

"A thing for..." implies that it is just a whim on his part.

That poor woman...I wonder if she is completely ignorant about how rude her comment was, or if she thought about it later.

 

[Lovaholic]

First, I need to clarify that Nick has not said anything about why he didn't want to attend, other than the factthat he didn't know the boy. He then later apologized for being so quick to say no & asked when it was. I know he'd go with me no matter what IF it were important to me. He loves me enough to not let me down.

This is not by any means an important event. It's a former clint of mine son. Her daughter actually happens to be my son's best friend. I do not socialize with her or herfamily on a regular basis. They are neighbors as well. She is well aware of my relationship as well.

The "gossip" as already died down & we have been seen together everywhere. Nick has attended my children's sporting evernts and has driven them to friend's and school, etc. So it's not about HIM being uncomfortable around people from his high school.

Also, the party with the younger people was 9 months ago, very early in our relationship.

I think I jumped the gun & made it worse than it was based on my recent bout of insecurity!

I"ll stop being a crazy lady now! Thanks again for all your support, if it weren't for ageless I'd be venting to my vym & he'd be running for the hills!

Lovaholic

 

[special K]

Lova-Lova

Ya, I think maybe you reacted a bit via the insecurity stuff of your recent past. Unless this is an extremely important event to you (like the wedding of your sister, or YOUR child's graduation party), I pretty much think it should be a non-issue.

If Jake demanded that I go to a client's sons grad party with him because "that's what couples do", ummmmm....that would pretty much make me fume. We are both adults, and no one should tell the other adult what they have to do. I would MUCH rather go alone to something and have fun on my own than to have Jake come because he felt obligated and perhaps harrangued.

Personally, if Jake asked me to go to any event with him.....I would respond with ,"On a scale of 1-10, how important is it that I go with you?". Reality is that I wouldn't want to go....I'm not big on "parties" for/with people I don't know; and if they were mostly just his past male friends his own age, I'd be downright uncomfortable probably. If he said it was a 9 or 10, I'd suck it up and go. If it was 6-8, we'd discuss it. Under 6...he's going on his own if he really wants to. :yes: And the same scale would come in my direction if I asked him to go to an event with me.

Demanding or pressuring a partner (of any age) into doing something with you is not the best avenue. It does kind of feel like parenting rather than equal-partner-decision-making when you direct your partner and their actions. That's bad for any relationship, and especially an AGR. Consider the scenario reversed: your 20 year old daughter is living with a 45 year old man. He is invited to a grad party of his client's son, and tells your daughter she HAS to go because that's what couples do. She doesn't want to go. We would call him "controlling" and advise her to move on!!!

Your guy sounds like he just could care less about this event...I think it's good that you go on your own and not read into it as him having qualms about your age gap or whatever. Respect his feelings....THAT'S what adult couples do:bgrin2:

 

[marcy]

Demanding or pressuring a partner (of any age) into doing something with you is not the best avenue. It does kind of feel like parenting rather than equal-partner-decision-making when you direct your partner and their actions. That's bad for any relationship, and especially an AGR. Consider the scenario reversed: your 20 year old daughter is living with a 45 year old man. He is invited to a grad party of his client's son, and tells your daughter she HAS to go because that's what couples do. She doesn't want to go. We would call him "controlling" and advise her to move on!!!

I dispute that this is advice I would give. I think I'd say to her hey if you don't feel like you can attend a business function with your partner, then you aren't a full partner. A grad party of a client's son *IS* a business function. Business functions help to feed my family (including my younger partner) and I fully expect him to do his part to support my professional development *even if* he'd rather stay home and play video games. I would do the same for him in a heartbeat and when I say thats what adult couples do... what I mean is adult couples support each other even if it makes them uncomfy to do it or they'd rather stay home and watch tv instead. They make EACH OTHER a priority. Someone with real concerns should have those addressed (as I think I indicated), but someone who'd rather pass on an event cuz they don't like parties when its important to me clearly doesn't put me and my priorities very high on their list. That is the advice I'd give either younger partner or older partner that asked... it isn't a matter of being controlling in my mind... it is a matter of expectations in a partnership and to what level I expect my partner to support me both as a professional and a romantic partner.

 

[Belisama]

Heh. Okay, to be honest, I do think your recent bout with insecurity played into your post. Glad to hear the hoopla's died down and that he wouldn't bat an eye about going with you if it was important to you -- that's how it should be!

 

[Amina]

I'm going to take a different point of view about this issue...

Why are we always trying to act like an age gap should be EXACTLY the same as any non-age gap relationship? It's NOT the same. That doesn't meant unwarranted behavior should be excused, but SOME things are valid issues regarding an AGR, and there is no shame in that.

When I was very young all of my friends and puppy loves were black and I was white. I was always invited to parties where I would be the only white person. Although I was used to being the only white person at school and in my town, I was always a bit uncomfortable to go to events and shock people by being white. Usually people knew about me and just assumed I was a black girl, then when they saw me they were like WHAT???...

Did this mean I was ashamed of my race or my friends? Of course not, it simply meant that sometimes we're just not in the mood to be the shocking, main attraction. I feel the same way now as a Muslim who covers my hair. Sometimes I will suck it up and go to events where people who used to know me before I was Muslim will be shocked to see me now...other times I'm just not in the mood. Again, this doesn't mean I'm ashamed of anything, it just means some of us like to go with the flow and not always have to represent something to others. I remember Ellen Degenerus (sp) said when she first came out of the closet "I just want to be gay, I don't want to be a spokesperson for all things gay and I don't want every conversation from here on out to be about me being gay"...

Perhaps your VYM just wants to be with you, he doesn't want to have to deal with an onslaught of questions, jokes, and comments about it. Of course they will come with the territory, and of course he can't "hide" from it forever...but I don't find it "bad" of him to be a bit uncomfortable about going to a party that he knows his high school buddies/enemies will be attending on the arm of someone who is the mother of kids the same age. It simply IS not an easy thing..that doesn't mean the relationship itself is wrong or bad, I'm not saying that at all...I'm just saying when you date someone who is young enough to be your child you have to expect that there will be additional issues that a near-aged relationship will not have to face, and visa versa.

Hang in there!

 

[Lovaholic]

I think it really is a non-issue at this point. If it were an event that was extremely important to me & he refused to go then I would be hurt & definetly feel he was not being a supportive partner.

He recently missed my nieces 1st communion & I wasn't exactly happy, but he had a prior commitment that he couldn't get out of. I did express my unhappiness about him being unable to attend and he very sweetly said, "Honey calm down. There will be plenty of family events for us to go to, don't get all worked up over this one that I couldn't attend." This attitude is very much a man's attituide, like what's the big deal. And I have to agree that he was right. It was a small quick little party for an 8 year old and it was rather boring if I must say so AND he couldn't get out of his previous committment regardless. I can only imagine what would have happened if I made a big fuss about it, gave him an ultimatum to attend & it wasn't really worth it. I am positive he would have quietly been pretty perturbed at me.

My relationship with him is more imporatant than a silly graduation party & like almost everyone said if it wer a really imporatnt event and he refused to go well that's totally different! Sorry Marcy for the 1st time I'm leaning the other way. Your advice is always great & I do think if you knew me & Nick that you wouldn't look at it as a "relationship" problem. It's really just a priority problem

Plus I think he has a race that day (he's a drag racer). Now, will he be upset that I can't go to the race? No! Disappointed maybe, but he wouldn't make me choose either. I thinks it's a Mars/Venus issue.

Thanks all!

 

[marcy]

Oh please don't misunderstand me sweetie... I *do not* think it is a relationship problem. If you re-read my first post, I think I did say I would not have been angry about this. I think if it were important and he refused because he had *ashamed to be in public with you issues* that this WOULD be a relationship issue that needs to be addressed pronto. Pretty sure I said in my first post that I doubted that was the case and thought it more likely to be a "I just don't wanna" kinda thing.

The difference here is only that I would likely really want my partner to go even if he didn't wanna and others seem perfectly fine to go it without him. I definately do not think this is a relationship issue, I think it is just the difference that people have in how they view professional development and networking. This is a paramount thing in some industries, and not all that casual , and not such a formal, paramount thing in others. Have I mentioned that I work in middle/upper management finance? Pretty important here and often formal... If other spouses attended, I'd feel uncomfortable if Devon did not and I'd want him there, but if there were a mix of couples then it would be less important to me. I might add that in my case, if it was important to attend and it was a couples evening and Devon had a previous engagement that could not be broken... I'd likely decline for us both. I just would not want to be there with all couples when it is clear and known that I'm married.

Not a relationship issue in my mind... just plain differences in people, careers, experiences, etc. No biggie and in my mind... this never really was!

 

[special K]

In an important business-client situation I would definitely let my partner know that on a scale of 1-10, this would be a 9 as far as promoting my associaton with this business associate. Knowing that, my partner would chose to go out of respect for me. I think that's the key, choice rather than demand.

It didn't sound like Loveaholic felt the event was crucial...or even that important. I just don't think that couples always need to be together in various situations. When it's important to one partner that they are, communicating that clearly and then letting the other partner decide to or not affords the best scenario for an equal relationship, IMO.

Did this mean I was ashamed of my race or my friends? Of course not, it simply meant that sometimes we're just not in the mood to be the shocking, main attraction.

Excellent point, Amina, and I couldn't agree with you more. Sometimes we may just not want to go...and that is valid and needs to be respected as well.