Have huge crush on my 24-year old dance teacher

[zabette]

I have been taking ballroom dance lessons for 6 weeks now with a delightful, fun 24-year old. He is very outgoing and friendly, and all his middle-aged dance students love him. He is very affectionate and touchy-feely. (I know he is straight because his ex-girlfriend from out of town came to visit once.) I have become interested in him not just because of his manner, but also because we seem to share an intellectual connection regarding art, dance, the perception of beauty, imagination, a feeling for music, we both love The Chronicles of Narnia. He is delighted when I "get it" when he explains something about dance, or when I rephrase something he was trying to express. He is very enthusiastic and curious about everything, which I am as well.

I went so far as to attend a weekend event at which I knew he was going to teach, and attended all his classes. I was the only person from our studio to go. He gave me a "most dedicated dance student" award )). He had expressed an interest in sailing, so I invited him out for a sail in a Sunfish, which he really enjoyed. We also hung out around the campfire together until the wee hours. However, there were several evening dances during this weekend, more of the disco than the ballroom variety, and he didn't ask me to dance. I asked him to dance once, but he never reciprocated. At the practice dances at our studio, he always asks me to dance (but maybe that is part of his job). He heard me speak French once, so now he uses every opportunity to speak French with me. When he heard I was going to Venice over my birthday, he said, "Oh, you will fall in love with a gondolier and never come back." He repeated it several times.

The problem is he flirts with all his lady students, and although I have the impression he flirts more with me and may be interested in me, I have no way of knowing for sure. He complimented me 3 times on my new haircut/color, and ruffled my hair. I don't think he knows how old I am; by all accounts I look 10 years younger than I am (I am 46). How do I find out whether he might be interested in me without jeopardizing our budding friendship and dance relationship? Also, I don't know whether there is any restriction on the teachers dating the students at this studio. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I am past the point of wondering whether I should get involved with someone his age - I know I want to even though I don't harbor any illusions about permanence.

 

[GoldieCat]

The problem is he flirts with all his lady students,

Yes.

So you'll get a lot of advice saying don't bother...this MAY just be "part of his job" but if you were his girlfriend how would you like that to continue? (Have any idea why that other girl is an ex, and who broke up with whom?)

In any case, a person like this has to be the one to come out of the shell and choose you. Because of the way he operates, he's probably used to women taking the "bait" a lot and also perfectly willing to take what he's offered. You can't know if he's interested unless he SHOWS you he is. Not asking you to dance at any opportunity would be one way he did NOT.

Proceed with caution. In this particular case I would advise you to stop making yourself so available. It's very logical of you to assume that he finds your company richly enjoyable due to your wide-ranging discussions. Unfortunately, many people WILL toss that away in a trice because of their underlying emotional needs, which wonderful intellectual exchange cannot fulfill for them. It is a terrible waste, but it happens a lot.

Also, do not assume that OW/YM relationships can't be permanent. They can be just as real and true as any good relationship, assuming it IS a truly good relationship.

Welcome to ageless -

 

[irparis]

I agree with Goldie...let him do the work.

If he treats you like everyone else, its because he sees you as everyone else, the problem is, should you get him, be prepare to change. Because he will make you change. You know what he's like, are you sure that a little jealousy will not enter your personality at some point. You might even ask him to change his job.

I Know it looks all nice and rosy and chummy/chummy, but in the actual relationship how much are you willing to put up with or give up. You're looking at this ym through rose colour lenses although you're seeing him exactly as he is, make sure that you can accept this.

Because let's say you do start dating him, knowing how he's making you feel base on his 'friendliness', another woman in the next dance class may be in such a vulnerable position as to come to care for him too. We can click with so many people, but when we use it to encourage a bunch of people in a class as a means to help them progress and enjoy the class. It loses its sincerity.

I would say, be careful. Don't do anything and let him step up to the plate and want you. Its the only way you would know that he's sincere.

Paris

 

[thatgirl]

Knowing that he has a girlfriend, I think you're behaving inappropriately.

Chasing him from studio to studio is a bit childish.

Find a man who is single.

 

[kathyw]

Zabette says "The problem is he flirts with all his lady students, and although I have the impression he flirts more with me and may be interested in me, I have no way of knowing for sure. He complimented me 3 times on my new haircut/color, and ruffled my hair. I don't think he knows how old I am; by all accounts I look 10 years younger than I am (I am 46). How do I find out whether he might be interested in me without jeopardizing our budding friendship and dance relationship? Also, I don't know whether there is any restriction on the teachers dating the students at this studio. Any advice would be greatly appreciated."

Didn't you just answer your own question here?

1) The problem is he flirts with all his lady students = he's a big flirt and likes attention from ALL the ladies.
2) He Complimented me 3 times on my new haircut/color = see #1
3) I don't think he knows how old I am; by all accounts I look 10 years younger than I am (I am 46) = And this matters why?? Are you already trying to justify your age??
4) How do I find out whether he might be interested in me without jeopardizing our budding friendship and dance relationship? Also, I don't know whether there is any restriction on the teachers dating the students at this studio? If he's interested in taking it any further he'll let you know. And yes, typically, at least anywhere I've ever attended school, there is a policy on instructors dating students.

It's easy to develop a "crush" on a younger guy (trust me, I know) however, do you really know him is the question? In all seriousness...we usually already know the answers to our questions...sometimes we just don't like to accept them.

 

[thatgirl]

"Oh, you will fall in love with a gondolier and never come back." He repeated it several times.

He's hinting to you that he know you're interested and you need to back off.

 

[femme savant]

zabette, you're forgetting one very important thing: not only is he a dance instructor, he's a salesman. he has to treat the customers well, or they won't come back and spend more money on lessons. i see all this 'attention' as keeping the customer satisfied. of course he flirts with all the ladies! you think the place would hire an anti-social, unkempt ballroom dancing instructor? course not. they'd be outta bidness in a week.

i say, take all his attention as a way to keep you coming back for more lessons, and forget about any personal interest on his part. if you truly want to learn ballroom dancing, go someplace else.

 

[zabette]

Thank you all for your advice

Thank you all for your advice -- yes, I guess you are all probably right.

I will back off and proceed with caution.

I will let you know of any significant developments, one way or the other.

BTW, I do enjoy this site very much - although I found it because of the issue I wrote about, I will probably continue to visit it regularly.

 

[kittylane]

i just responded in another poster on another thread who was also wondering about the object of her desires intentions.

men are pretty direct, its pretty flippin obvious when they are interested. mine was, we have a twenty year difference. he sounds very self confident, much like how my husband is but there were no doubts to his intentions.

i have had a bunch of crushes, its normal. They hurt also, dancing is passionate, i LOVE to dance, i think you should embrace the moment and dance on and realize that the dance instructor is probably a great teacher and teaching you to be a great dancer for someone who will really admire your steps.

 

[Kristin]

Knowing that he has a girlfriend, I think you're behaving inappropriately.

Chasing him from studio to studio is a bit childish.

Find a man who is single.

He has an EX girlfriend. I didn't see any mention of a current girlfriend?

Anyhow, I agree with the other ladies - a man who wants you will pursue. (He's obviously not shy.) And you have shown him plenty that you are interested, but he may just assume it's a "student crush" and not that you like him "that way."

All you could do is make a move that couldn't be misconstrued as just teacher admiration and that is obvious that you are interested in him as a MAN and not a teacher. Then, once he knows you are open to him, step back and let him be the pursuer. If he doesn't pursue, he's not interested in you that way.

I agree with Thatgirl that the gondelier comment could be a hint that you shouldn't rest any hopes on him, but it also could be how you read it - as a cute gesture of mock jealousy.

There's only one way to find out - ask him. Then back off.

 

[zabette]

Kittylane and Kristin,

Thank you for your thoughtful and empathetic responses.

Yes, you are right Kristin, the girlfriend is an ex and lives in Colorado where he is from.

I will certainly keep taking lessons with him because he is a fantastic dancer and teacher - he projects a confidence and authority way beyond his years. And his company is a delight even as just a friend or instructor.

But I am not sure how/whether to approach him more directly. Doesn't that contradict the advice that he will let me know if he is interested? I don't want to make the relationship we do have awkward, on the other hand I think I would prefer to know whether he was interested or not.

Any further thoughts?

Zabette

 

[DaBollocks]

1, 2 Cha, Cha, Cha!!

Oh boy!! It's "Pedro the Dancing Wonder Stud" all over again!! "Women pay me to bring them pleasure!!" HEEHAW!!!

 

[kittylane]

zabette, you actually have put it out there for the opportunity to get more intimate when you asked him to dance and he did not reciprocate, if loves you as a friend and not romantically you may be ending a great experience.

guys are pretty direct when interested, the fact that he is on the sidelines shows me that he may be just being professional.

i think you have thrown out some hints.... to be direct may make it very difficult in the long run and you may miss out on a great class and teacher, i would FORCE my interest in another direction, just to get him out of your system at this point.

but thats only me, i learned the hard way about crushes. they were never really reciprocated and the end result i got crushed.

take your dancing tootsies and find a guy to dance with. enjoy your life. he would show his intentions if he wanted more.

 

[yellowrose]

on the other hand I think I would prefer to know whether he was interested or not.

This guy is probably pretty sophisticated socially. I think if he were interested, you would have no doubts about it. If it were me, I would enjoy the class but distance myself from emotionally. Just my humble opinion.

 

[Faith47]

He's got a girlfriend right? Wellll....guys already taken. First red flag.
Second, he seems like a flirt to me from what you saying. Ok, maybe he gives you more attention but that is because you are showing him interest. So, he is just jumping at the opportunity a bit.
I personnally wouldnt take him seriously.
From what I get he seems really like a flirt. I just dont trust that type of guy.
Be careful what you get yourself into because you might get hurt.
You can do better than a guy who flirts around and has a girlfriend.

 

[DSpring]

he DOES NOT have a girlfriend...

btw...i liked venice a lot...but florence was just magical...and it's just a short train ride...2 hours away...taste wine on the ponte vecchio...ahhhh

 

[zabette]

Venice was great

DSpring, thanks for straightening out that girfriend thing. No, he does NOT currently have one that I know of! I wouldn't go down that road.... It's amazing how rumours get perpetuated, even in an online forum.

Venice was absolutely dreamlike. Unfortunately, I did not fall in love with any gondoliers!!! Saw a stunningly handsome one though.... but he charged too much

I have heard Florence is beautiful (from aforementioned dance teacher). Will try to go there next time I am in Europe (which happens fairly often due to my job).

I have a dance lesson in a little while and feel duly fortified to face the object of my affections with equanimity, thanks to you all!

 

[special K]

Zabette,
I'm stepping in a little late here, but I wanted to say that the reason I am a member here at ageless is because I FELL IN LOVE WITH A YOUNG, HANDSOME, AFFECTION-PROLIFIC, DANCE INSTRUCTOR who just happened to be my assistant (I was teaching swing lessons weekly, and K was my paid partner).

Heterosexual male dancers are the perfect blend of pure man and sweet friend...they are artistic, intuitive, talented, attentive, and usually very gregarious. Most, I've found, appreciate women in general, and have a special comraderie with older women.

Anyway, the fantasy is all true, I tell ya....but it hurt extra hard when the relationship ended. PM me if you want to know more

And, I agree, Venice is picture perfect, except that my gondolier could only sing "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" I'll never forget those paninis we ate right off St. Mark's Square...and the pigeons. My next trip over (in July 2007 on tour with my dance company) I'm going to hit Florence and Rome for sure. Have you been to Paris? Divine.

Best to you, honey....keep dancing now, it'll keep ya young!
Karen

 

[kittylane]

hey guys dont forget VERONA, the place where shakespear wrote Romeo and Julietta. it is SO SO SO romantic and a lovely city. i have not been to florence or the tuscany region. or sicily areas. those are next.

i liked venice........ but adored verona, rome was hectic and fascinating from the historic perspective of our world then and now and the influences, utterly amazing.

well anyway, tell me more about where i should go and see.......

 

[zabette]

Beautiful places

That's funny about your gondolier, Special K. Mine just hummed to himself a little and then made a cell phone call....

I love Paris! I was born there as a matter of fact, and love to visit. Rome is also lovely, very similar to Paris. Have never been to Florence, but my dance teacher has waxed rhapsodic about how the light strikes the buildings.

I will share with you a funny story about my trip to Venice - I had been corresponding with a guy (my age) on a dating site. He lives in Italy and since I was going to be in Europe over my birthday, he invited me to a candle-light birthday dinner in Venice. I was thrilled and happily accepted. I hadn't been planning to go to Venice. I got a few days vacation to spend time in Venice and he offered to show me around. He also volunteered to make the hotel reservations, which I agreed to. He seemed nice enough when I met him, but then it turned out he had only reserved one hotel room for the two of us! We had a little chat in the room during which I asked him where he was going to sleep and what was he thinking? He said it was normal for him to share a hotel room with his female friends. I said, but I don't know you yet! (If he had been Johnny Depp, of course, I might have taken him up on it.) I suggested he go out and try to find himself a hotel room. He started the male manipulation thing: "Well, I guess you won't mind touring Venice all by yourself then." And I said, "You're absolutely right - I won't." He wasn't able to find a room, still took me to dinner though he accepted when I offered to go Dutch, and then he had to drive 400 km back to Torino!!! And I had a great time in Venice "all by myself" and don't regret the experience as this gave me an excuse to visit Venice.

Zabette