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He walked out, now wants something from me..help!

special K

dedicated member :-)
Dear Wonderful People,
As many of you know, my 3 1/2 year relationship with my ym ended in October. I considered him the love of my life, and he told me I was his as well for all those years. We had a 22 year age gap (he's going on 23 now). I'm still not entirely sure what happened in the end, but think it was a combination of parental/family pressure, his not being able to shake the family staunchly-religious mental paradigm that he needed to eventually marry a young virgin, and that he probably began to resent me for the dependance HE fostered in the relationship. I continually pushed him out to be on his own, he always grasped back for my help, love, encouragement. It was like he needed me and then blamed me for it or something equally crazy. One of the last things I'd said to him was, "Don't come back unless you are ready to be open with your parents about our relationship, you are sure you love me and want to be with me for the long haul because I never want to go through this again."
He answered, "You deserve that, but you'll have to help me not come back since I know I'll want to...."
ARGGHHHH....I just said, "No, that's your responsibility.."

So, anyway, he left in October saying he would always love me but just needed to be alone and fix his personal issues (he was mature enough to recognize he had some). A month later, I saw him in a parking lot kissing a 19 year old red head. So much for being alone for personal reflection. I know for a fact that she wasn't in the picture at all when we broke up, but the timing of his immediate pursuit for the "young virgin" stunk.

Since then we have only spoken on the phone a handful of times, only because he's needed something from me. I had emailed him some in the beginning just to update him on things that used to be his life (my dad being diagnosed with colon cancer...he loved my dad....a friend dying suddenly that he cared about...etc.) He never responded, not even with well-wishes.
So....(we're almost there, hang on)....I talked to a friend and told her how hard it's been for me since the breakup. I've dated (other ym....still have that preference for sure), and gotten better, but the hardest part has been his complete lack of kindness or basic acknowledgement since he left. She encouraged me to write him a brief letter and tell him what I needed from him to really heal. I wrote him a letter a few weeks later basically just saying that I want to move toward peace and resolution with him. That it would be really helpful for me to heal if he just let me know that although he has moved on, he did love me when we were together. The letter didn't sound pathetic, it was just letting him know what I needed from him to totally move on. I figured that's what he'd want since he didn't want me in his life any more. He never responded. Either he has suddenly turned into a total jerk, or he had blocked my email address so he wouldn't have to read anything I sent him, or he's scared of something. Whatever the reason, it became apparent that he was totally erasing me and my memory from his life.

Last week, he called....he needed something again. He wanted me to meet him at "our" safety deposit box to get his car title. (He'd wrecked his car...forgot to set the parking brake and it rolled off an embankment:D ). I went out of my way to do that for him. He was barely cordial, wouldn't look at me, made me feel like I had never meant anything to him. I balled when I got back to my car.

The next day I was buying a lawnmower and discovered at the checkout counter that they didn't deliver. I own a toyota, it would never fit. The only person I could think of that had a truck was my ex ym. I thought that since I had helped him out the day before, he might do a small, easy kindness for me. I called him. He said, "No, I really can't help you out with that. I just have to go with my gut feelings." Sheesh. I balled again. He hates me. I never did get that lawnmower.

I just got a call from him 10 minutes ago. Of course, he needs something. He asked if he could come up to my house so I could sign off on the car title (I didn't help him pay for it, but to be included on my insurance policy and get a cheaper rate, I had to be listed on the title.....he wanted me to do that back then).
By golly, I'm not going to keep giving and giving and getting a dismissive attitude in return. I told him it was not convenient for me to do that today. He said he'd call me back later this weekend to arrange something.

Here's my question.....this may be the only time I will ever have any leverage to get him to talk to me. I really just want to sit down with him for a half hour over coffee, have him look me in the eyes, and ask him some questions. For so long he has avoided looking at me (because then he'll SEE me), I want to take this chance to make that happen. If for no other reason than to use the opportunity to help him see that walking away and ignoring someone out of the blue is not how you end a relationship or help someone you once cared about to heal. I want him to have to face his part in everything. I'm not looking to get back with him, or have the 30 minute time be a miraculous healing moment for me...I might even hear things I don't want to....but at least there will be closure for me. I deserve that, and to be given some time since he has continually asked me for mine which I kindly gave.

What do you think? Should I stipulate that I would be glad to do something for him if he does something for me...give me 30 minutes to talk to him one final time first? If you dont' think I should, why not? If you do, what should I include in my conversation with him. If nothing else, I want this young man to never treat another women so dismissively at the end of a relationship...this is not just a time to get personal answers, but also to have altruistic input in his life.
Thanks for reading, and your advice !
Hugs to you all,Karen
 
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Tyg

Guest
Karen,

You have given alot of time and effort to help this guy out and yet he ignores you and doesn't reciprocate. I just think that you need to let him know that you don't like how he is taking advantage of you when problems arise from him and the bad part is he is not appreciating what you have done for him. You need to sit him down at the coffeehouse and tell him how you feel and what you are going to do about it. You don't deserve someone whom you broke up with for some reason and then "uses" you when he can't even help himself. I assume he is confused and using you. You don't need that anymore and you deserve better. Those are just my thoughts :)
 
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Deli

Guest
I am not sure what to say, but I think it is pretty obvious that he really doesn't want anything to do with you. Sorry for being so blunt. The things that he needs from you are clean up details, the car title and your signature on it. These are things he positively could not get from anyone but you.

I would, if I were you, try to find a way to heal without him being involved. Write him a long letter, pour your heart out, say everything you want to say, want to do, wish you had done, then, instead of mailing it, just burn it and burn all the bad with it. Time to move on and just allow yourself as much time as you need to do that. Date more, if only just to distract yourself, throw a party for no reason, just go do things.

Again, I apologize. It's probably not what you want to hear right now, but its my take on the situation from what I read. Good luck and keep us updated. :)
 
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Carazy

Guest
I don't mean to hurt you either, but honestly, I think you are flogging a dead horse there - you tried to get him to talk to him, he obviously doesn't want to - this is not gonna change imo - he will only disrespect you more because, from the way i see it, he thinks you might not have "gotten" the message yet.

In my opinion, you won't get closure from him - but take his behaviour as a clue and cut him out of your life - I know it must hurt and that this is not how you would have liked it; I don't know what his issue might be atm, but I don't think it matters one way or the other.

So,my advise: just let it go, sign the paper or whatever but do it by mail or so - I advise against trying to talk to him; it's history! Be good to yourself and let it go ;)

/hug
C.
 
S

Swan

Guest
Ok been in a very very similar situation, won't go into details because I don't want to take away from your situation but I will tell you how I handled mine... and why I think you should do the same thing.

Give him whatever signature he needs. In a business like way. The relationship didn't work out... not for your trying or being a wonderful person... that is not at question.

It is over... so so over. I'm sorry. What satisfaction would making him sit down at a lunch counter really get you? Want him to tell you he's a jerk? Even if he did would that make you feel better... I mean really? My guy told me it was all a lie and he meant for no one to get hurt. Well that didn't make me feel a whole lot better.

You want to know if he ever loved you? I think you know the answer... he did to the best of his ability at the time.

Don't use your "leverage" I mean you certainly could. How good would you feel? What would it change? What does it matter?

I sincerely hope, despite the end that you can grab hold of SOME of the good that you and he had together and know that is what you are looking for in someone else, but someone else better. That is what I got out of my horrible painful experience.

Hugs Karen....
 
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suicideblonde

Guest
So sorry Karen...

This is just more pain that you do not need.... I agree with the others. You do need to let it go now....you are almost there, but trying to talk to him is not the answer...nor even seeing him, if you can help it. I mean, who knows what he will really even say? I tried to get that same type of closure recently as well, but when it was all over, I discovered that this person was someone who was not even human in his treatment of me and it hurt worse than anything I had ever felt before. Thus my advice is do what Carazy suggested: sign via mail.... let HIM wait, but knowing it will get done. Then BLOCK him on phone, email, messenger...everything.... YOU NEED TO BE IN CONTROL!!!

HUGS to you,
Linda
 
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Maria

Guest
Karen, the guy doesn't want anything else with you, don't beg him for anything else, even for the things you are entitled to have.

Give him some of his own medicine. Show some pride! Honestly, from someone who has been crushed with that kind of pain before, he's not worth it.

I have always been able to keep cordial relationships with my ex, except for two of them. When we love someone, we respect them even after it's all over.

He doesn't respect you and he's probably more worried about what the new girlfriend will think (she wouldn't be happy about all this and she's right somehow - because you are the ex now and she's not guilty of his mistakes) than about the pain you are going through. You chose badly and now it's time to feel some rage. It will do you good.

Sorry for what you are going through, but you should get help if you are not able to deal with the loss, and it's not from him, but from a professional. It has been months now, girl, you were physically ill, don't let this guy take any more time from your life.
 
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Tru

Guest
Nessa said:
Karen,

have him mail the title to you with a self addressed stamped envelope

any and everything you possibly have of his is either trashed or returned to him via messenger NOW.

he's not going to give you the closure you seek. he's given you closure but it hurts.

he does not want you in his life that's clear.

forget about him move forward.

Very good idea.

I am so sorry for your pain. This is painful to read and I can only imagine the real pain (like... intolerable?) I am sure that he loved you fully but something has happened to him. This is so very sad.
I do not know what I would do! I would do things that I would not advise anyone to do. :( I would confront him and make him talk to me...I would not do the right things. I think you have done admirably so far and I think Nessa's idea of using the mail is a good one. :( I am so sorry. I wish there was a magic word to say to make it all better.
Best wishes,
Tru
 
J

Joe

Guest
Karen, lemme make this short and sweet: FORGET HIM!!! Look, I know it hurts but he's treating you like a piece of crap! You sound like a very caring and loving person, but he sure as hell doesn't deserve for you to help him out, especially if he ain't doin' shiat for you! Love hurts, and sitting down with him at a coffee house or anywhere else won't accomplish anything. It'll only hurt you more and make him less willing to listen to how you feel. He's proved it already. How? By not responding to you in emails, phone, or in person.

That's totally wrong and disrespectful! He was 19 when y'all got together, and now he's not even 23, he still has a lot to growing to do. Hey, the way he's treating you will definitely come back to him threefold. WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND and he's gonna get a knock out punch one of these days and look back to see how great you were to him. Let him learn the hard way. Some people just need to fall on their face to see how they have treated people. Give him that oppurtunity.

I might get flamed for this, but I don't care:

Don't send him emails.
Don't call him.
Don't try to set meetings with him.
Don't sign his stupid title.
Don't talk to him.
DON'T LET HIM USE YOU!!!

You helped him, and now he doesn't even wanna help you? Yeah, whatever! You're better than that!

He probably figures just because he's a younger dude, and you're an OW that he can have his way with things due to the motherly instinct you have. Screw him!!! He sounds too immature and you deserve someone that will treat like a woman and with RESPECT!

It hurts to let go of someone we deeply love, but if they don't put forth any effort to show their feelings and love, there's nothing we can do, but move on.

In the meantime, I feel you need to try and get your mind off of him and focus on something else. Workout, run, swim, hit a punching bag (put a pic of his face on it), go out with friends, but be active and progress yourself to more positives in your life.

Keep your chin up and walk tall. You're a strong person! :)
 
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irparis

Guest
I'm sorry for your pain....

It sucks the way he's treating you, but unfortunately, I've seen his MO before its interesting that its the same w/a non member.

I agree with everyone else. There's nothing else you need from this ym, you were both there for each other for 3 1/2 years and I'm sure he loved you throughout that time but he was younger then and younger still and will conform to his religious beliefs once he figures out that it isn't all about him, which is what I think he did when he hooked up with you, only thought about himself and he protest loudly about his family and church, didn't he...its those you have to watch out for...trying to break out of his religious boundaries that in his world can be quite confining...and the pressure from his family and friends was too great. Most LDS men cannot do it, i know, I've been there.

What ticks me off is that he hasn't the decency now to face you but it was quite ok to sleep w/you. If i knew who he was I would certainly give him a good slap in the head. I don't think he's a jerk or a snake, he's just moved on and doesn't know who to be around you. I think we've all been there, it takes awhile to maintain some kind of relationship with our ex, it takes some time especially if there's another mate involve. I'm sure he respects you in his own way, whatever that may be, but if he has a g/f then he has to respect her too as she is in his life now and you're not.

keep yourself busy, everyone else's suggestion of using the US Postal Service works for me. That letter someone suggested you write, I would write it and send it, without expecting a reply or any expectations, just write your words, pour your feelings, cry and display your emotions if you really feel you have to and if it will make you feel better, then send it away and don't look back no matter what.

Paris
 
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Maria

Guest
A common friend might help you as well, giving him what he needs.

But I'd make him feel that now he hasn't gotten the option to see you anymore.
 
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bubbleee

Guest
Karen,

Everyone here has said just about everything there is to say. Wow, all of you are so insightful and caring, you continue to amaze me.

Your ex-YM will not even talk to you for he chooses not to reveal himself or his motives. He chooses not to make that emotional investment in even closing the relationship. He is not now, or not ever going to give you what you want in an explanation no matter what price you put on trying to get it from him. He's done and finished and moved on.

Let it go. Do the paperwork as everyone here suggested and let it go. He let you go when he walked out that door.

I'm really sorry for the loss you feel of this relationship. MAYBE someday he'll realize what he had in you but I wouldn't count on it. I truly feel your pain, and I am so sorry.
 
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Patricia

Guest
Let him go. Stop trying to involve him emotionally again. Everyone is right. I am so sorry for your suffering. You must heal, though, and regain your pride and dignity if you want to have a chance at a future relationship with someone who will respect you and treat you better than your ex. Just sign off and don't look HIM in the eyes.
 
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ravenglow

Guest
Hugs

Karen, I am so sorry that youre going thru this, I know its got to be very painful...but I have to agree with the others who say sign the thing by mail.
I'd make him squirm for a few days, not answering his pleas---then finally agree but stipulate that it will be by mail only.
He does need a wake up call....and once he wakes up, it will be too late for him.
You deserve so much better.

BTW, Joe, your post was great, very empowering!!
 

special K

dedicated member :-)
Thanks everyone....whoa, only one vote for confronting the guy. Hmmmm, my best friend who knows him and me and the situation just said I should absolutely make him look me in the eye one more time, and then geuninely thank him for walking out of my life....look beautiful, wear a huge smile, smell great and take 5 minutes to tell him I have moved on, am dating and loving it, and am happy with my life, and so thankful to him for leaving so I could reap all of these great things. Not say anything mean spirited (like he might be fearing), just take the highest road and be kind, happy and confident (like I always was when we were together). I want the last picture of me in his mind to be that...happy and confident without him, and forgiving enough to sign his stupid paper right after I've had my say, and move on joyfully. Maybe even give him a hug at the end and wish him well with his new gf.
NOW, that would feel REALLY good! Talk about having the last word...and being at peace afterwards. I just read a qoute the other day that said, "It takes a strong person to be kind, cruelty comes only from the weak." He has been cruel, I want to respond with kindness. That would be great closure...and would throw him for a loop (him thinking I might be vindictive or needy, but me being confident and happy)...one he'd be thinking about for years. It might even help him realize some day how to be more noble with his actions.
Thanks for all the love, hugs and concern....I have let go, and am moving on. Have surrounded myself with great friends, family...am taking a writing class starting next week (writing a book about the past 5 years of my life), staying fit, dating and being a lot happier. It's a process, takes time to heal. I love hard, and I take loss hard...but I'm okay now. Learned a lot, that's for sure.
Let me know what you think of this new idea,
Hugs, Karen
 

Desert Spring

New member
I honestly think that it's not going to come across in the way that you are envisioning.

It's going to come across as your wanting or needing to prove something to him, to get the last word, to make him acknowledge that you're over him.

You don't need to do that.

Wanting to do it is the part of you that's still involved with him.

Do the paperwork by mail and don't have any further contact with him, his papers, or his pickup truck.
 

whiterose

Administrator
I agree that making him think that you have moved on is the best. Then, sign that paper and end all contact with him. Next time he wants something, don't respond. He seems to keep coming back only when he wants something. You deserve better.
 
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Almeiraz

Guest
He acts the same way as my ex

The difference is I don't see him anymore as an adult, as a regular person. I see him as a boy who is governed by his baggage, so I was suprised that he would be like this, but it actually helps me.
It's good for me to see this nasty, immature side of him, it makes me indifferent to him.

I remember about 5 years ago...saying that I learned more about the guy I broke up with then, AFTER we broke up, than in the 4 years we were together. Then, I too wanted the type of closure you need-he did not give it to me-he wanted it over. But...after a 2 years, he went to dinner with me, and has kept in touch by phone, and keeps repeating how special I will always be to him. In the meantime, he married once for a couple of weeks and divorced, and married again a girl he doesn't love, to satisfy his mother.
THAT is real closure for me...it tells me that any love that comes from an unreliable, unstable guy like that, is not worth the fonts I'm using....it tells me that I would not have been happy with him if we had stayed together. It tells me that it's a good thing we broke up.
Special K, he knows he did wrong by you and doesn't dare face you...I'm staring to sense that childish people don't have the ability to feel and give respect...it's an adult emotion probably....
I agree with everyone else that you will not get anything good out of seeing him, so don't see him-use the mail to take care of things that need to be done. I am so sorry you are going through this!

Almeiraz
www.yourloveadvice.com
 
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Tyg

Guest
Karen,

You got alot going for you to stick with excess baggage with him on your mind.....there's alot of opportunity to meet fantastic guys out there and knowing that this guy is a jerk and all saved you alot of trouble :). Focus on the positive :)
 
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candygirl

Guest
Hi Special K......I'm so sorry you're having to go through all that pain and anguish. I know it's no consolation....but give urself a pat on the back for allowing yourself to love another human being...regardless of how they treat you. Having said that.....it doesn't mean that u should continue to let him treat you in the manner he has been doing. Remember wisdom and maturity comes w/life experience...not osmosis!!! He is very young and he is just behaving his chronological age. Joe is right...and I commend him for having the guts to tell it like it is. Through your words I can feel your pain and it must be a horrible feeling having to see him around town and then wanting so desperately to help him out becuz u love him....but Joe is right......you are deserving much better....at the very minimum even more decent treatment from him. Remember, we teach others how to treat us.....if u continue to help him out...you are not helping him learn much needed life lessonsl!!!! I know...I've been there....and its crushing when all you want to show is how much u love someone and they don't even have the decency to appreciate it.

Move on honey...as painful as that is to even contemplate. The less opportunities you have to be in contact w/him...the less opportunities you give him to hurt you all over again.........sending you a warm gentle hug to get you through another day.......if u need to talk, u can find me at just4jayne2003@yahoo messenger....
 
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