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I am so ashamed and feel so guilty !

arctic

New member
Hello Ageless Members

The relationship with my older woman has completly stopped and this time it's serious.
The last time I posted I had suicidal thoughts counceling but then she came back to me and we gave the relation another go...
But it only lasted for about 3-4 months and then the bomb exploded...

Last time I went to her we had big discussion....
I went to disneyland with my work and all my co-workers were there with partners.
I asked her if she wanted to come too, but she didn't want too...
So I went alone because my boss already payed for the trip for me....
I came back from Disneyland and had a keychain with mickey with me for her... My co-workers said I shouldn't do it if she doesn't want to come with you , you shouldn't give her a **** gift too...
Well I did anyway... Once I went over to her I handed her the keychain she was very happy and pleased with it, but I wasn't so happy about she not coming with me.
So I told her... She replied I'll never go on trips with your work never count on it! and you can't come next time and the week after that neither....
I was so angry that I said well then I am leaving now too... Then she said I'm not angry I said "yes you are" , Then I said to her Well i'm leaving now and will be right back....
So I left her place and took my car and went for a drive to cool off.....


After about riding 10 mins with my car I went back, but the doors were closed, so I knocked on her door called her phone but no response.
I thought she was being stuborn like I am used of her... So I climbed over the fence.... Looked for her downstairs she was not there.
I thought she might be upstairs then with her daughter, she was not there either but her daughter was.
Her daughter said she was gone with her bicycle.... So I waited untill she came home...

I was there and she said why are you here I said i'm here Because I said be right back and I climbed over your fence...
I want to talk this out.... She yelled and scolled at me that I was a burgler.... She said if you do that one more time I will call the cops on you!!
Now you can go home and I don't want to see you or hear you for the whole week... So I went home....
Few hours after that I recieved a phonecall from the police that I was tresspassing her propperty and that she wants me out of her life!
I hung up the phone on the police and I tried to call and text her with no response.... Then I called the police back and said I really need to talk to her could you do anything?
They send an officer to her home and then she called me.... She said I hate you and I want you never near me again!"

I was so mad so angry that she called the police because of that I am her partner afterall, that I mailed all her family members about the truth in our relationship
http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/relationship-support/40864-i-feel-like-crap-long-post.html read this post and you'll understand.
Basicly I mailed her family that she had an affair with me when her hushand was still alive...and when he died murder and suicide came up with the doctor....
All those years her family said to me that I needed to undertand her that she had a wonderful marriage and that she has a had time and that I need to understand were to much for me
Always hiding the fact that we were longer toghether then that....


Now after that mail I sent in anger I started to fell like crap...Really crap... I wanted to make it up but I already destroyed it...
She filled complaints against me and I snapped an tried to attempt to kill me self... So the pain would go away....
I am in the hospital right now for about 3 days.....

I never used to love someone that much! I learned to love because of her ( she was my first love) I became a better person because of her etc.....
All feels lost now and I got a feeling I can never make it up with her that I won't even see here again and it hurts so much!!!

I need to start from 0 again I left a lot of friends for her, she was my only social life all my free time went to her....
I feel so lost now and so depressed that I am afraid that I can never love again...
It took me 26 years to find someone that I could love, I can't hande being alone for another time....
It just hurts.....

Sorry for the rant but it's kinda a relief I talked about it here and kept you notified...
 
G

gorillagirl

Guest
Sorry for your pain but your behavior is stalkerish and seems potentially dangerous. Stay 100% away from her, her friends and her family. Seek psychotherapy and medication. To avoid being arrested in the future, I suggest you pack your bags and move far, far away.
 

arctic

New member
Sorry for your pain but your behavior is stalkerish and seems potentially dangerous. Stay 100% away from her, her friends and her family. Seek psychotherapy and medication. To avoid being arrested in the future, I suggest you pack your bags and move far, far away.
Sorry Gorillagirl but i'm not a stalker at all and I would never do anything to harm her etither... I tried to harm myself though and I am at the hospital now as we speed because of my suicide attempt...
Please don't jump to conclusions to soon!
 
G

gorillagirl

Guest
FROM HER PERSPECTIVE (she already called the police), climbing over her fence is stalkerish. I re-read your posts from the last few years. Your relationship has been very difficult and caused you both so much pain. It's time to let go completely and make a new life for yourself without her.
 
L

legallyblonde

Guest
She's a loser and bad news!

Let this loser go! Somewhere in between her husband and now when she is free to date whomever she decided she didn't want to be with you!!! You must leave her alone!!! The second a person says they are going to call the cops on you, and you are on their property it's in your best interest to back off. Unless you live in that home, you have no right to be there. If she is down the street from you, drive the other way, don't drive by her house. You say you are in the hospital for THREE days? Did they get an Temporary Detention Order? (TDO?) Definitely leave this biatch alone. She is pushing your buttons. Don't play that game. Take the high road. Get the cops to get whatever is yours out of that house and BE DONE WITH HER!

Ali
 

Angel

Anger Thrives In A Fool
The second you climbed her fence, you crossed the line. A healthy relationship respects each person's boundaries and, driven by your own emotions, you diminished her needs for your needs. There is nothing healthy about doing that regardless of motivation.

It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of her. She has every right to say this is my limit, do not cross it, no matter how irrational or manipulative anyone believes her behaviors to be. Your need for resolution doesn't invalidate her right to be left alone.

For both your sanities, one of you must free yourself from it otherwise this will be the first in a series of hospitalizations for you. You may love her, but she has made it clear that she does not have the same intensity of emotion for you. You have become something she plays with, like a cat with a toy. Brave being free of that type of manipulation.

*hugs*
 

MissMuffins

New member
She filled complaints against me and I snapped an tried to attempt to kill me self... So the pain would go away....
I am in the hospital right now for about 3 days.....

I never used to love someone that much! I learned to love because of her ( she was my first love) I became a better person because of her etc.....
All feels lost now and I got a feeling I can never make it up with her that I won't even see here again and it hurts so much!!!

I need to start from 0 again I left a lot of friends for her, she was my only social life all my free time went to her....
I feel so lost now and so depressed that I am afraid that I can never love again...
It took me 26 years to find someone that I could love, I can't hande being alone for another time....
It just hurts.....

Sorry for the rant but it's kinda a relief I talked about it here and kept you notified...

arctic,

I'm sorry you're feeling such despair and desperation, and that it's resulted in an attempt on your own life.

Right now, you need to worry about you. This person, as much as you love her, is not good for you. Somehow or another, love got twisted around into this person controlling and defining you. You've struck back against the control she put on your relationship by doing some things which have caused you to be ashamed of yourself. We've all done dumb stuff, and we've all found ourselves in situations where we had to accept "there's no rehabbing this." When the person you love has got you so pulled apart and twisted around that you don't recognize yourself and she's calling the police on you, that's a really good time to recognize "there's no rehabbing this."

She'll find someone else--people like her always do. There. Now you're freed up from worrying about her.

Focus on your own health, safety and well being. The best thing you can do right now is to listen to what the doctors and nurses in hospital are telling you about taking care of yourself, accept that it's true, and that the course of action they're suggesting is for your own betterment.

*hugs*

MM

.
 

Faith

Some assembly required
These were not acts of love. You have done hateful spiteful things to her. Don't be surprised if she takes out a police restraining order against you, to protect herself... and also to protect you from doing further damage to YOURself.

Take refuge in the treatment you are receiving now, and cooperate with your health-care team in every way, to bring your life and your mental state back into balance. This is the most important thing in your life.

I wish you all the best for a safe and peaceful recovery.
 

SheLikesKitties

OW/YM 21YR GAP
I am sorry that you are going through so much pain. I would advise you to follow your treatment, so this suicide attempt does not happen again.

Regarding your actions, some things cannot be undone, like trespassing, or sending that email. Getting a criminal record for trespassing is something you DO NOT want. Stay away from her, and her home.

A relationship with so much drama and so little support is not positive for you. You both acted wrong, but you were the one who broke the law and could get in trouble for that.

You are only 26, trust me, you will find love again, someone your age, or older, or younger... it does not matter, but it will happen. Big hug.
 
G

gorillagirl

Guest
arctic-
when a situation is unmanageable- true love walks away.
 

brinparker

New member
Sometimes when going through difficulties in life, a relationship that is unhealthy can bring out the worst in even the best of us.
It sounds like you have done some drastic things and have some regrets. I recommend you continue to get treatment. There is no shame in needing to work though emotional issues. I also recommend you distance yourself as much as you can. It will keep you from getting in any further trouble, but also allow you to move forward and let go of some of the guilt and shame you feel.
I know it cam sound lame, but it is true that distance and time can do wonders for any situation.
 

Stiletto

New member
Sometimes when going through difficulties in life, a relationship that is unhealthy can bring out the worst in even the best of us.
It sounds like you have done some drastic things and have some regrets. I recommend you continue to get treatment. There is no shame in needing to work though emotional issues. I also recommend you distance yourself as much as you can. It will keep you from getting in any further trouble, but also allow you to move forward and let go of some of the guilt and shame you feel.
I know it cam sound lame, but it is true that distance and time can do wonders for any situation.

Amen to that, particularly the first sentence. Give yourself time, forgive yourself for your errs, and LEARN from them, learn to see the warning signs of obsessive behaviour before it takes over completely. Been there, so I know. This is very sound advice you are getting.
 
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