It's over

[Atheena]

Well, after almost exactly 3 years, my ym and I are calling it quits. First, we postponed the wedding (which was set for August) last month. This was supposedly for financial reasons, but there was more than that. We weren't getting along all that well and I just couldn't bring myself to marry him under those conditions. So it's been boiling and bubbling and finally came to a head last night. He'd been running around doing things on his own all the time, and wouldn't do the things I wanted to do. There was a huge distance between us and it was obvious it wasn't getting better. I suggested counselling but he didn't seem receptive to that.

He spent the night somewhere else last night (who knows where) and is supposed to come pick up some stuff this morning. There's alot of it and I'm sure he won't be able to get it all in one day. I wish it were quicker and cleaner, but after 3 years, our lives are so intertwined.

He's trying to say it's because I hate his kid. He knows better, but I admit she is a problem. She's almost 6 while my youngest is 14, and I really never felt comfortable with raising another kid. I did the best I could but I was never able to bring myself to love her....I cared about her, but nothing approaching the love I feel for my own. Perhaps I'm selfish....I don't know. Don't get me wrong...I was never mean or anything, it just wasn't the same.

In actuality, the problem is his irresponsibility and lack of initiative. I'm a doer. I like to get stuff done right away and then relax. He puts everything off, if it ever gets done at all. Looking back on it, maybe our age different WAS a problem..he's 33 and I'm 45. But he often acts much more immature than that.

Anyway, he's on his way to get some stuff, so I want to get out of here. I can't handle being around him right now, so I'm going to a friend's house for the day.

 

[Charlotte]

I'm sorry to hear that. *hugs*

At 33 he should know better than to be running around doing his own thing all the time. But, I guess my ex didn't know any better either, which is why he was an ex at 33.

Good luck getting your life sorted out.

 

[Dolphin1974]

Ooh I'm sorry to hear that.Are you ok?

 

[Science Goddess]

My heart reaches out to yours, Atheena.

I think you made a good decision not to be there be.

I'm glad that it sounds like you have friends that you will be able to lean on. And go ahead and lean - that's what friends are for sometimes.

**huggs**

SG

 

[Atheena]

Thanks ladies. The ******* hasn't shown up nor called.....so I'm back at home. I think he's deliberately doing it to catch me when I'm here. I made the effort to be gone.....I guess I'll just have to suck it up and be here. I'm sure he'll show to at least get some clothes, because he has to work tomorrow.

I feel sick. I haven't eaten in 24 hours except for a few saltines and a slice of American cheese. But I'm drinking lots of water and it's not like I'm gonna waste away--I could stand to lose a pound or two....or 20. I broke down and sent him a text message a couple hours ago, "Would you be willing to get that counselling now". No reply, so I suppose it's asked and answered. *sigh* God I wish this were a Saturday so I didn't have to work tomorrow!! I'd go out and tie one on. What's hard is that my two best friends both live an hour away, and I don't want to go that far right now, again, because it's Sunday. The freeway is a nightmare on Sunday, especially in the evening, and I do still have my two teenagers to care for. My daughter's bf took her and her brother out, to get them both out of the house in anticipation of Jeff's arrival. I didn't want the kids here in case there is a showdown.

Anyway, so here I sit, not really knowing what to do with myself, and wishing this would all just be over with. Love stinks.

 

[Science Goddess]

One day at a time, hon. You'll do it.

Maybe he's waiting to come while you're at work..? If he calls, maybe you can try to tell him to do that.

That seems better than him coming tonight - because you DO have to get up and go to work tomorrow. Try to stay in your routine as much as possible. It helps (a little) to do so.

I know it's warmer down there; is it too warm to consider a bath before bed? It might help relax you. Tying one on may not work for tonight but maybe a glass of wine? Or some whiskey on the rocks?

Try to eat a little here and there, and get a little protein in your system to keep your sugar levels from going up and down.

 

[peace70]

I am sorry by hearing the break up... but is it an end of everything? I will be glad if u will concentrate on what you have and not on what you will not have!!!

It will sound strange amidst of suggestion of having wine and whisky.. did you pray to GOD? When did you last read your bible? If you are secured in GOD, you are safe!!

I will suggest you to make phone calls to your friends... Talk and talk and talk!! You may cry..don't stop... cry as much as you can! Crying is healthy. Don't keep it to yourself... hug your friend and cry and wash away all your pain with your tears. Then get up, wash your face with cold water... look in the mirror and smile!! YOU ARE NEW AGAIN...!!! Believe it and start a new beginning... and no turning back!!

Life is a beautiful picture... and i m sure you know a picture is incomplete without shadows... The darkness gives meaning to life...

So never be discouraged... and,

Smile, Jesus loves you! and me too!

regards,
PEACE

 

[Amina]

The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) loves you too!!!

Anyway, I think it's unfair to bring religion into this...or to even assume someone is Christian..or Jewish...or Muslim...or, or, or...

Anyway...please hang in there. You are doing great, really you are. This is a tough situation and there will be many ups and downs along the way but you have to secure yourself on a decision and do your very best to stick to it. I know it's easier said than done...but really, in the end...you will be so relieved and refreshed. It is just getting through this "ripping off the band aid" part that is so, so horrible. Once it is off (or properly re-attached for that matter) you will feel 100 times better.

Just please hang in there and try not to be hard on yourself...

Good luck!

~A.

 

[Atheena]

Peace, thank you but I am not Christian, so no, I haven't read a bible in a very long time. I wasn't looking for spiritual guidance, just a little support and shoulder lending.

He did finally show up Sunday night, but not to get his things.......he has agreed to go to counselling with me. We also talked for a while, the first time in a long time, and we both have some pretty strong misconceptions and issues with the other. So I'm hoping that counselling will help. If it doesn't, at least I'll know I did everything I could possibly think of to make it work. I told him I don't see any other way.....we're in the vicious circle of "You make me angry by doing that, so I'm going to show you by doing this" and we just can't seem to get out of it. You'd think we could act like grown ups (especially me, geez, I'm halfway to dead) but apparently we're not able to. Hopefully a good counsellor can get us thru it.

Thanks again to all of you for your support. I really appreciate it!!

 

[whatamIdoing]

I'm happy you are going to counseling. I hope everything works out for you.

I wanted to address this tho .......... "He's trying to say it's because I hate his kid. He knows better, but I admit she is a problem. She's almost 6 while my youngest is 14, and I really never felt comfortable with raising another kid. I did the best I could but I was never able to bring myself to love her....I cared about her, but nothing approaching the love I feel for my own. Perhaps I'm selfish....I don't know. Don't get me wrong...I was never mean or anything, it just wasn't the same."

Love truly is a choice. You can make the choice to love him enough, by loving his child. You knew the child was part of the package, and you need to step up and do the right thing.

 

[irparis]

I don't get it...

Why are you sticking out for a man whose kid you can't accept into your heart or your head. I mean she's six...kids at that age now notice when they're not truly, unconditionally loved.

Are you saying you're going to put up with her so you can play house with the dad. That's kind of a scudzy isn't it. And yet I'm willing to bet, you would not be with a man who would not accept your child. Heaven forbid!! There are too many women out there that this man can have who will absolutely care and nourish this child. She's a great age.

Do you really thin counselling is going to help in this. If you don't have it within you, you don't have and no amount of counselling is going to help you wrap your brain around it. To love someone else's child, that's a gift...one that shouldn't be taken lightly. I suggest you also get counselling on your own...something is up and you need to find out why?

paris

 

[legallyblonde]

Actually

Well, after almost exactly 3 years, my ym and I are calling it quits. First, we postponed the wedding (which was set for August) last month. This was supposedly for financial reasons, but there was more than that. We weren't getting along all that well and I just couldn't bring myself to marry him under those conditions. So it's been boiling and bubbling and finally came to a head last night. He'd been running around doing things on his own all the time, and wouldn't do the things I wanted to do. There was a huge distance between us and it was obvious it wasn't getting better. I suggested counselling but he didn't seem receptive to that.

He spent the night somewhere else last night (who knows where) and is supposed to come pick up some stuff this morning. There's alot of it and I'm sure he won't be able to get it all in one day. I wish it were quicker and cleaner, but after 3 years, our lives are so intertwined.

He's trying to say it's because I hate his kid. He knows better, but I admit she is a problem. She's almost 6 while my youngest is 14, and I really never felt comfortable with raising another kid. I did the best I could but I was never able to bring myself to love her....I cared about her, but nothing approaching the love I feel for my own. Perhaps I'm selfish....I don't know. Don't get me wrong...I was never mean or anything, it just wasn't the same.

In actuality, the problem is his irresponsibility and lack of initiative. I'm a doer. I like to get stuff done right away and then relax. He puts everything off, if it ever gets done at all. Looking back on it, maybe our age different WAS a problem..he's 33 and I'm 45. But he often acts much more immature than that.

Anyway, he's on his way to get some stuff, so I want to get out of here. I can't handle being around him right now, so I'm going to a friend's house for the day.

Um, I don't mean to be rude here but this is not just his problem. In your posts I see just as much that is YOU. And the biggest problem that I see is your denial that your relationship with your ym is just "not for you". Admit it. You have had major roadblocks (childrearing issues for one) all along and you've forged ahead, or tried to, without really honestly assessing them and what they mean for your life with this man. I just don't believe this man or this situation was for you!
I'm sorry you are having a bad time with it.
Ali

 

[legallyblonde]

I'm not the one to say this to you, no one here really is....

Peace, thank you but I am not Christian, so no, I haven't read a bible in a very long time. I wasn't looking for spiritual guidance, just a little support and shoulder lending.

He did finally show up Sunday night, but not to get his things.......he has agreed to go to counselling with me. We also talked for a while, the first time in a long time, and we both have some pretty strong misconceptions and issues with the other. So I'm hoping that counselling will help. If it doesn't, at least I'll know I did everything I could possibly think of to make it work. I told him I don't see any other way.....we're in the vicious circle of "You make me angry by doing that, so I'm going to show you by doing this" and we just can't seem to get out of it. You'd think we could act like grown ups (especially me, geez, I'm halfway to dead) but apparently we're not able to. Hopefully a good counsellor can get us thru it.

Thanks again to all of you for your support. I really appreciate it!!

But what I see is that you are holding onto a man at all costs. Sometimes it's time to let go! Really! Please, do the therapy thing for YOURSELF, and not you and him. It's okay to move on when it doesn't fit. You don't need to mold yourself to one man just to have one. I know you think you are in love with him, but sometimes love is not enough to stay with a man. A 3 year relationship isn't that long really, especially when both have been married before. It's just enough to come face to face with the everyday facts of life. I would not hold on here, especially with the way you feel about his six year old. I just wouldn't! It's not fair to him or to HER! She's six. She deserves unconditional love, which you say you can't give her.
Ali

 

[Atheena]

Ali...Perhaps I AM trying to hold onto him at all costs, but is it so bad to at least try? I admit I have issues with his daughter....but he also has them with mine. I don't think it's unreasonable to feel differently about children who are not your own flesh and blood. It's just not the same, and I salute those who say they are! I admit to having my own issues, and he certainly has his. At least I'm honest about it, and willing to work thru it and try to resolve things.

Ir paris....I don't think I'm "scudzy" at all and I resent your implication that I'm just "playing house" with her father. Have you yourself taken on the caring of another woman's child? If not, then you're in no position to judge me. I've done much more for this child than her biological mother could/would ever do. I've treated her better than most kids get....just because I'm honest in my admission that I don't love her like my own, does that make me a horrible person? I think not. And you don't know the history behind it either. There's much, much more than what I stated here, and I don't care to go into the whole sordid story.

Yes, I admit that I have problems that need to be dealt with, as does he. I hope we'll be able to work them thru as a couple, and as a family. If not, like I said, at least I know I know I've done everything I could, that WE could.

 

[Science Goddess]

.....we're in the vicious circle of "You make me angry by doing that, so I'm going to show you by doing this" and we just can't seem to get out of it. You'd think we could act like grown ups (especially me, geez, I'm halfway to dead) but apparently we're not able to. Hopefully a good counsellor can get us thru it.

Atheena, I agree, it is difficult to break out of these cycles. Doing so often means going through a stage of being uncomfortably aware of everything that comes out of our mouths, as well as our body language. To some people, this can be excruciating because it feels like you're walking on eggshells. But if you know that you really want what is on the other side of that eggshell mine field, then the temporary tip-toeing can be worth the effort.

It means putting one's ego aside, and trying to remember to tip-toe when the other person has forgotten and is stomping through the eggshells in steel toe boots.

All you can do, is do your part. The only behavior you can change is your own. When he makes you angry or starts a 'cycle', look away (minimizing the confrontation), pause and gather your thoughts instead of just letting words roll off your tongue (you can do it - it becomes habit). Choose kinder words, try not to play the tit-for-tat game. Try to step back and not react for a while. I don't mean for 5 minutes or a day.

(You know all of this. I know that I'm not telling you anything that you don't know.)

Counseling will only work if you both are willing to be conscious of your actions and are willing to consciously choose to act differently.

Either way, you will get some 'good stuff' out of going to counseling.

SG