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Need some advice about my relationship!

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opto_isolator

Guest
Hello all, I'm new here, but I've been here before reading up on things. I find this to be a very interesting site!

Now, on to the background info. I have been dating this beautiful women for about 1 year and 5 months. Up until March or so, things have been great. In fact, at first I was worried about falling in love with her, but that's exactly what happened. I'm 28, she's 46.

She was divorced a few years back, and says that I am her first boyfriend since the divorce. She has an 11 year old daughter, which is great. Everything was going great. Than she started telling me that I was smothering her. I really don't understand what happened - I had done nothing different in the way I was treating her. I open doors for her, I tell her how wonderful she is - I treated her like a goddess!

Recently, within the past month or two, she was having problems with her computer, and asked me to take a look at it. I noticed that she had an email in her inbox from a singles web site. I jokingly asked what that was about - she said it was junk mail.

Since things between us were a little funny, I decided to do a little digging. I found out that she was visiting this singles web site for a while. Since she is not a paying member, she cannot send emails, however people have been emailing her - needless to say, she hasn't written anyone back yet.

When I found this out, I felt betrayed, and hurt. Even though nothing is happening from it (yet), I can't help but wonder what I did to deserve this. After all, she divorced her husband for cheating on her! It didn't make any sense, our relationship was so open and honest.

Last sunday we decided to take a 2 week break. No contact for 2 weeks. Needless to say, I am hurting - thinking about her every minute of every day. We agreed to meet when the two weeks were up, to discuss our relationship, and whether or not to persue it further.

Since than, I can still see that she's been active on her singles web site - which only makes me more sad....

During our conversation, she metioned that she thought she was too easy at the beginning of our relationship - that she didn't make herself a challenge to me. She says that she's old fashioned, and wants to be courted. Well, I really don't know what to do, as I've shown her the upmost respect since we have been dating. I've recently went out and purchased a few books on romance. I am not sure if those will help or not - heck I'm not even sure if she'll give me another shot or not. I really feel hurt right now. I am truly in love with this woman. She says she loves me, but that she is not "in love with me." I really don't know what to do or think.

Anyone have any advice here? I know this is a long post, and I appreciate the fact that you've read this far!
 
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Harrison

Guest
Move on. There are better fish in the sea....

I really feel hurt right now. I am truly in love with this woman. She says she loves me, but that she is not "in love with me." I really don't know what to do or think.

Opto,

I think this is the key quote here. Love has to be symmetrical for things to work. You can't be ga-ga, head-over-heels in love with some who's only lukewarm for you. If you have to try to persuade them to be "wild" about you, that is SO demeaning and hopeless. You've already lost the battle in my opinion.

If she says you're "smothering her," it means she can't deal with your brand of affection. She's looking elsewhere --- probably for someone her own age.

So you should back off, and give her some space... and look for other friends.

No one person is irreplaceable. Pretend your friend's been hit by a bus and is now in the morgue awaiting burial. What would you do in such a situation? You grieve; you cut off all contact; then, after a suitable period of time, you start looking for another mate.

As a fellow male, that's my $.02 worth.
 
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skatergirl

Guest
opto_isolator said:
During our conversation, she metioned that she thought she was too easy at the beginning of our relationship - that she didn't make herself a challenge to me. She says that she's old fashioned, and wants to be courted. Well, I really don't know what to do, as I've shown her the upmost respect since we have been dating.
her thinking confuses me as, as you've said, you've been nothing but sweet & considerate 2 her. if you had backed off, i could understand it, but that's not the case.
it kinda seems like she's "letting" u be confused too, sometimes people seem 2 do this when they are hiding something or not being honest.

opto_isolator said:
I've recently went out and purchased a few books on romance. I am not sure if those will help or not - heck I'm not even sure if she'll give me another shot or not. I really feel hurt right now. I am truly in love with this woman. She says she loves me, but that she is not "in love with me." I really don't know what to do or think.
her thinking here conflicts with what she said above...i mean what is it? does she want to be a challenge and have u chase her or she's not "in love with u"...which one is it? she seems to be leading you on.
and the thing about the dating site, it sounds like u caught her and she lied.

i want to tell you too that she is sooooo lucky to have a guy like you. forgive me but she sounds CRAZY not to be with you. i am so sorry, i know what it feels like 2 hurt over someone.
you were so right to take some time away.
you could always change ur mind about her too.
 
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Rozie

Guest
Since than, I can still see that she's been active on her singles web site - which only makes me more sad....

How do you know this if she can't post? If this has been such an issue for you that you need to check her address bar or history on her actual computer, well, yeah....she has every right to feel smothered.

Love has to be symmetrical for things to work. You can't be ga-ga, head-over-heels in love with some who's only lukewarm for you.

Beautifully put Harrison. Symmetrical....I like that! Opto, I don't know what changed between you and your woman, but it may be that she was just trying to figure out her own feelings by surfing the web and reading this site that you mentioned. Perhaps the fact that you were so upset scared her, because she knew she couldn't reciprocate those feelings. I can tell you that my YM said he loved me loooong before I could say the same. For me, love had to grow. He let this happen by never pressuring me. Now I look back and ask myself what I was so scared of.

Last sunday we decided to take a 2 week break. No contact for 2 weeks. Needless to say, I am hurting - thinking about her every minute of every day. We agreed to meet when the two weeks were up, to discuss our relationship, and whether or not to persue it further.

Ouch! I always worry when this happens. Seems to me that it just invites a breakup.

Good luck. You sound like a really nice guy and I am not trying to suggest that this is your fault. Just trying to shed some light on the dynamics here from an OW's point of view.
 
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opto_isolator

Guest
Thanks for the replys guys....

I have to admit, I've dated a lot in the past - but I have really never loved someone quite like this before. That is what makes this so hard!

As far as her "lying," I never confronted her on the web sites, really - I wanted to be more mature about it than she is.

My plan is as follows - and this is all to feel her out. I want to see how she'll react. I want to place a single red rose under her windshield wiper of her car while she's either in work, or at night - so that she'll see it in the morning.

Than, when we meet next week - I wrote a list of 100 reasons (101 actually, I want to see if she actually counts them) why I love her. I was thinking about cutting them up and gift wrapping them for her - and giving them to her before we "talk." Not sure if that would influence anything or not.

If she claims that she wants to be "wooed," and romanced - I'm going to try and see where that gets me. If she really is just trying to look for an out in our relationship, they she'll play this off and find a reason to break up with me. What do you guys think??
 
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Rozie

Guest
I think under the circumstances, all this would be way over the top! You have some patching up to do first. Is your two week even up?
 
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opto_isolator

Guest
Rozie said:
I think under the circumstances, all this would be way over the top! You have some patching up to do first. Is your two week even up?

Next friday is when we meet. She is going to call me on Thursday.
 
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Rozie

Guest
Well, wait til you guys hook up again and talk, before you jump into this plan. I honestly think to do anything before then will just overwhelm her. :)
 
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skatergirl

Guest
opto_isolator said:
Thanks for the replys guys....

I have to admit, I've dated a lot in the past - but I have really never loved someone quite like this before. That is what makes this so hard!

As far as her "lying," I never confronted her on the web sites, really - I wanted to be more mature about it than she is.

My plan is as follows - and this is all to feel her out. I want to see how she'll react. I want to place a single red rose under her windshield wiper of her car while she's either in work, or at night - so that she'll see it in the morning.

Than, when we meet next week - I wrote a list of 100 reasons (101 actually, I want to see if she actually counts them) why I love her. I was thinking about cutting them up and gift wrapping them for her - and giving them to her before we "talk." Not sure if that would influence anything or not.

If she claims that she wants to be "wooed," and romanced - I'm going to try and see where that gets me. If she really is just trying to look for an out in our relationship, they she'll play this off and find a reason to break up with me. What do you guys think??

i think that is one of the most beautiful things i have ever heard. (i teared up)
i truly hope it works out for you.
 

dunyamelek

always wondering
Ow Pov

Opto, you poor thing, OUCH OUCH OUCH!

I'm an OW in the same age group as your OW and perhaps my POV would help. You say you're her first bf since her divorce? Maybe she feels like she hasn't explored "what's out there" enough, and that's why she's been looking through profiles on a dating web site. Or maybe there isn't enough to your relationship to keep her interested.

I don't really think about my age much, but sometimes, I realize that half my life is indeed over. I want to live out my remaining years with as much happiness as I can squeeze in there. I'm divorced 15 years, and I still haven't been able to commit to another marriage ... although I've come close ... I obviously have a preference for younger men but sometimes I worry that there won't be enough common ground to keep things going permanently ... I'm wondering if perhaps your OW has the same worries and perhaps some misgivings about choosing a new life partner prematurely.

I say let her be for a while. You sound like such a sweet person. Maybe after shopping around and even dating a few frogs, she'll realize that she already had a prince. Then again, maybe not. Love is a gamble.

Maybe it would be a good idea to distract yourself with something you like to do or just continue developing yourself as a person ... learning something new or doing something you never did before. I'm not saying you're undeveloped, what I mean is, we can always improve ourselves at any age. I get the feeling you might just be making things worse by pressuring her. In other words, take care of YOU and take your focus off this woman. When she realizes you haven't been around, the silence might just be deafening. And if you don't get back together, you'll just be a more fascinating person when you're ready to date someone else. (((friendly hug)))
 
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opto_isolator

Guest
I know that some of you say that I should wait - well, waiting has gotten me no where before. I have to go with my gut, and my gut is telling me to play this carefully - ie, don't sit around and do nothing, yet don't go overboard.

Just to clarify a few things. I was the one that said that we should take a break for two weeks. It almost seemed as if she didn't want to - like she wasn't sure what she wanted.

I have a feeling that it is going to be hard on her for the time we do not spend together. She even mentioned that to me when we talked on Sunday.

I just confirmed with one of her friends where she usually parks at work - tomorrow after I get done with work (she usually works later on Thursdays), I plan on putting a single red rose under the windshield wiper of her car - no note, nothing. Just to let her know that I am thinking about her. I honestly don't think this would be over the top. I truly hope that this doesn't discourage her, and that things work out between us.

I appreaciate all of the advice that everyone has given me on the matter. Wish me luck!
 

kittylane

New member
i was devasted after a divorce only to be told that no matter how hard i tryed if my husband wanted out, we had ZERO chance.

relationships are really a two way street, both gotta want it. sure we have our off days and need to get back on track but the basic desire to stay together is there, i love my husband but we do have moments we dont relate or click, we usually drop the issue at hand and tend to US.

my husband is pretty smart though and i never have had this experience before him, when there is a rift between us, we look at that and get over it, nothing is more important than my marriage.
 

whiterose

Administrator
I wonder how much the age difference is influencing this

If she is giving you mixed signals by telling you she is not in love with you, but wanting romance, maybe what is really bothering her is the age difference. From what you are saying, she seems interested in continuing to see you. But, maybe the age gap issues are influencing how she feels. Has that issue come up in your discussions?
 
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opto_isolator

Guest
whiterose said:
If she is giving you mixed signals by telling you she is not in love with you, but wanting romance, maybe what is really bothering her is the age difference. From what you are saying, she seems interested in continuing to see you. But, maybe the age gap issues are influencing how she feels. Has that issue come up in your discussions?

At first I think she was a little weirded out by it - but I've asked her many times, and she says that she's comfortable with it.

Well, here is an update on the situation. I went to her work (she works at a a large theme park here in FL), and found her car (it was hard - she didn't park where she usually does). I put the rose on her car, under her windshield wipers. I was so excited about this - hoping that maybe this would help sway her decision?

I drove to her house afterwards, because I had to pick up a scuba tank - we were supposed to go diving this weekend, but since we were on hiatius, it wasn't going to happen. So - I made plans with a few other friends to go diving.

Anyhow, I know it wasn't right of me - but I just to know. I did a little snooping in her email while I was there. She emailed a mutual friend of ours - the one that introduced us. I was really hurt by what I read.

Basically, she wrote to her and said that she really didn't love me. She went on about trying to get her friend to get someone's email address on the singles site. Her friend said she wasn't a paying member either. The conversation than went to how she hated meeting men (the whole bar thing, etc). But basically, the gist of the emails where that we were pretty much through. These were sent on Tuesday.

As I left her house, I was so hurt. I was practically ready to burst - its amazing what love will do to you.....it'll turn a 200 lb man into a blithering idiot in no time.

It is now a few hours after she supposedly left work - and I have not heard anything from her. I don't know if she will at least email me, thanking her for the flower - or if she just took it with a grain of salt.

I do know that she is going diving this weekend (as planned), and is hooking up with our mutual friend (who is a girl) and about 13 our women for a women only dive trip / party. Everything I keep finding out is just tormenting me more.

I really wish there was a way to just forget about everything that happened in the past 17 months - like flipping a switch - it would be so much quicker to ease the pain!
 

whiterose

Administrator
You read her emails?! :eek:

It's a difficult thing to find out that the person you love doesn't love you in the same way. I'm really sorry about that, but it doesn't sound like she is as interested as you are in a relationship.
 
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dragon_1983

Guest
I know exactly how u feel man. I love this girl who is 19 and I'm 22. I've treated her like a goddess and yet she hasn't "considered" us. We came back from a fireworks show and I asked her "do you think we'd ever make it as a couple?" She replied "I don't know, I really haven't considered it". Just like you when somethin is amiss like her car needs gas or she's having family problems, the first person she comes running to is me. I love this girl SOOOO much that I'd give my life for her. I know deep down she loves me too but rarely shows it physically. All I want is to hold her or her kiss me, even if it's just on the cheek. Friends say she's using me but an incident in the theater where she kept grabbing my nether regions says other wise. I'm at a cross roads. I like women of all ages but I love this girl and she is playing hard to get.
 
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dragon_1983

Guest
I understand where Opto is but dude that IS a little over board. I believe playing the attitude that I'm not interested is working in my favor. I mean let's see she called me one day 5 times withing a 24 hour period. She knows I'm definently into her but I act like I'm not interested most of the time. No offense but to me Opto seems like the "Obsessed Best Friend" from "Not another Teen Movie". I love my girl but not to close to her. I have bought her flowers and I think it's like Opto. She didn't know someone could love her so much and it's a shock. I call her every now and then but I have situated it so she calls me and make her want me. I have took up for her when guy friends have basically said she's a couple fries short of a happy meal. I explain they would never understand where I am because they've never been there. Most women are not as complicated as most men think they are. If she says she's being smothered then ease up. If I feel I'm too close, I'll grab some cash and go watch a movie alone and not think about her. I always compliment her and that's whats different between me and the others. She's very sexual but my love doesn't include just sex.
 
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opto_isolator

Guest
Well - I indirectly found out that she plans on breaking up with me on Friday when we meet.

Out of all of the people I've talked to, one of my best friends and his wife gave me the best advice.

Don't let her do it on her terms. I plan on going over to her house tomorrow, to tell her that I was an idiot for suggesting this 2 week break. I plan on just telling her the truth, guns blazing - how that I was a mess before I met her, how we have so much in common together, how I am comitted to making our lives better, and overcoming my foibles, regardless of what they are.

This is going to be hard, because it is going to be out of the blue - if I wait until friday, the inevitable will happen - I essentially have nothing to lose by going to her house after she gets home from work tomorrow.

I really hope things do work out between us - she is such a wonderful person!
 

eponavet

New member
You said in your original post that she felt smothered...and everything you have talked about here has reeked of smothering. I'm not sure how you expect her to react to all of this, but she has told you how she feels and you are disregarding - and in fact - disrespecting what she has told you. Maybe she just needs a break, maybe she is completely over the relationship, but I don't know anyone who would want the kind of attention you have been giving her. It seems borderline, if not completely - unhealthy. I'm sorry, because it is obvious that you don't want to lose someone you love. But you are not giving her the time or space to figure things out. Sure, it doesnt' sound good that she is browsing single sites...but if she explores a bit and finds she can't live without you - let HER come to that decision. You are going to push her away, if you haven't already. Maybe it's just me, but my stomach actually knots up when I think about someone acting like you have been. It also puts a ton of pressure on her - like you can't live without her and stuff...which would make me feel trapped/smothered....whatever.

Anyway, I am sorry again to be so negative...I hope you can relax a little about things. These situations are never easy to go through, but sometimes there is no other choice. I also hope that if it was a really good relationship for both of you at some point, that you can work things out....Good luck
 
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joeschmoe

Guest
Sorry to hear about your situation. I like to drop in on this site from time to time and read the post. I will give you my jist on this thing but it probally will not be too kind on your behalf. Leaving the rose was the worst thing you could have done! You are killing any attraction she may have still had for you! Kissing her butt is only going to push her farther away. From what you have written I see some real problems in the relationship and it sounds like you are likely the cause of a lot of it. There were some key things you said that kind of makes me say this. Things like "I treat her like a goddess" and "I tell her how wonderful she is" In other words,you are acting like an over engraciating wusssy! What is the one thing women are not attracted to? Yep,wussies. The more of a wuss you become the more she will be repulsed by you. This thing is probally over but there is one thing you could try that might save it. Act like a man and stop acting like a love sick puppy! Wow dude that was cruel but it is the truth. Show her that you are a man and you are not going to put up with one ounce of her crap or you will replace her so fast her head will swim. Make sure that you always keep the authority in the relationship and never hand it over to the woman because if you do her attraction for you will die and she will leave you for "a real man" If you were in a monogomous relationship and found out she was on a dating site you should have just got up and walked out without a word and never called her untill she humbled herself and begged for your forgiveness. Have you no pride? If you have no pride in yourself she will have even less and will lose all respect for you. I am not trying to be cruel but you have got to stand up for yourself and start acting like a man. I will probally recieve an onslaught of hate mail from women by saying this but being overly "nice"to women is always a bad idea. Over complamenting,showering them with gifts,agreeing with everything they say.ect,ect, will only kill any romantic feelings they have for you. Women are not attracted to "wussies". They are however,very attracted to alpha type males. In other words,men that are confident, self assured, assertive, and take no flakey crap from them. Next time you are entering a relationship be sure to avoid this "wussy" behavior. Be very sparse with your compliments. Don"t just give your attention,make her earn it and keep on earning it! You have got to be a challenge or she will lose interest. People are fickle,they only want what they cannot have so keep her guessing and working to "earn" your attention! Wait a very long time,preferbally till right before the marriage,before you start professing your undying love for her. A lot of people will say I am insane or this is bad advice so I encourage you to try it and see for yourself which method works best, butt kissing or acting like a "real man". I guarantee you the "real man" gets the woman every time over the sorry butt kissing "Wussy boy". Well that was my opinion,now I can get ready for the hate mail. I did not mean to be too harsh with you but I call em the way I see em. We men have got to stick togather and help each other out whenever we can and that is why I had to write this. hope this helps.
 
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