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Not sure where to go from here- help

Peterpanned

New member
Thank you for any advice you can offer.

Back in February I asked a neighbor of mine for some legal advice. During the course of our conversation he opened up about his separation and impending divorce (which I was shocked to learn about). He told me how much he has suffered as a result of the dissolution of his 20 year marriage and so on. After two hours into our conversation, which by then had turned into some serious flirtation, he casually asked me out on a date. I immediately accepted because for years I had found him very attractive and apparently he felt the same about me. At first it seemed like he was more interested in me than I in him, but as months went by and as our relationship became physical, I fell madly in love with him. I mean like, I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He's 55 and I am 41, but that is neither here nor there. He's an amazing person. The problem is, even though he is extremely attracted to me and the chemistry between us in off the charts, he is constantly talking about his soon to be ex wife and how she left him for this other guy and how angry he is with her for destroying their marriage. He thought they'd "grow old together". It seems like sometimes that's all we talk about. And I am left wondering if he will ever get over the hurt and be able to have a serious relationship with me. I get so frustrated because I love him, but he says things like "I don't know if I am capable of love right now" or "my life is very complicated right now" etc. Always injecting the "right now" as if it will change someday. When I threaten to leave he begs me to reconsider claiming that I'm the brightest spot in his life after two years of being separated. So I am stuck frustrated with him because I don't have the relationship that I want, and miserable without him. I even tried asking for "space" only to spend days in bed crying and wishing he'd call. So what do you think? is there any hope? should I give it time or make a clean brake? Am I just wasting my time? I know what my heart wants but the it does not match the reality of the situation. Last thing, he also has a teen daughter that he apparently HAS to hide me from for her emotional well-being, yet another complication in this whole thing. Thanks for your help.
 

whiterose

Administrator
Hello and welcome to the site.

As a person who is divorced as a result of a spouse's cheating, I can tell you that it takes a very long time to grieve over that loss. When you become involved with someone who is working through the grief of a loss like divorce, you have to be prepared that it will take a long time for them to work through it, ESPECIALLY if they were cheated on.

Here's my two cents worth. You've only been involved a few months. He has given you reason to think he is interested, but he needs time to work through the loss/rejection he felt from the end of his marriage. If it were me, I would give him that time that he needs, continue to date, but put no pressure on him. In time, he will work through the grief of that loss and will be more focused on you. If you push him now to focus more on you and less on the grief, he may not work through the grief process adequately, and those feelings he is going through will continue to pop up over and over again in the future.

All the best
 

Peterpanned

New member
Thank you!

Thank you Whiterose for your advice.
That's what I intend to do as the alternative is simply too hard and unnecessary since he cares about me too. 9/29 was my birthday and he made it so special, that I am convinced that he is worth the wait!

thanks again
 

SheLikesKitties

OW/YM 21YR GAP
It takes several years to forget a failed marriage. I can attest to that.


I like Whiterose's advice, but I would like to add that I would request, in the kindest way possible, for him to avoid mentioning his ex when he is dating you. Tell him that when you two are together you want it to be positive, and also tell him to feel free to not go out with you when he feels that he just needs time out.

I honestly feel that talking about someone else when he is with me is rude, but some men have no sense of rude.
 
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