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Observations and Laughs

T

Tru

Guest
We all get those observations and jokes in our e-mail. Post yours here! We can always use a laugh!


Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
~~~~~~~~
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
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The other easy way to find something lost around the house is to blame someone else for taking it. You will find it...right where YOU put it.
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Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
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There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.
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Life is sexually transmitted.
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An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
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If quitters never win, and winners never quit,then who is the fool
who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"
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Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
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The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
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Get the last word in: Apologize.
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Thoughts for a Friday..... Give a person a fish
and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
~~~~~~~~~
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
~~~~~~~~~
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
~~~~~~~~~
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to.
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Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
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All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
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Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
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In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
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Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
~~~~~~~~
AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists-- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.
Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration!
 
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T

Tru

Guest
Husband Shopping Mall

Subject: Husband Shopping Mall

A Husband Shopping Center has opened in Atlanta, where a woman can go to choose from among many men to be her husband. It is laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascend.
There is, however, a catch. You're only allowed in once.
Once you open the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor.
If you go up a floor, you can't go back down except to exit the
building. So, a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door says:



Floor 1:

These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman reads the sign. "Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes. The second floor sign says:




Floor 2:

These men have high-paying jobs, love kids and are extremely
good-looking. "Hmmm, better," says the woman. "But I wonder what's further up?"


The third floor sign reads:



Floor 3:

These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking and help with the housework. "Wow," says the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there's more further up! And so again, she goes up.

On the fourth floor the sign reads:



Floor 4:

These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me." (That's how women talk in Georgia)"But just think...what must be awaiting me further up?"
So up to the fifth floor she goes.



The sign on that door says:




Floor 5:

This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping.

Have a nice day!
 
T

Tru

Guest
A Fairy Tale

FAIRY TALE FOR WOMEN OF THE 21st CENTURY

Once upon a time,

~~~~~~~~

in a land far away

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a beautiful, independent,

~~~~~~~~

self-assured princess

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happened upon a frog as she sat,

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contemplating ecological issues

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on the shores of an unpolluted pond

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in a verdant meadow near her castle.

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The frog hopped into the princess' lap

~~~~~~~~

and said: Elegant Lady,

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I was once a handsome prince,

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until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

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One kiss from you, however,

~~~~~~~~

and I will turn back

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into the dapper, young prince that I am

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and then, my sweet, we can marry

~~~~~~~~

and setup housekeeping in your castle

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with my mother,

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where you can prepare my meals,

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clean my clothes, bear my children,

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and forever

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feel grateful and happy doing so.

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That night,

~~~~~~~

as the princess dined sumptuously

~~~~~~~~

on a repast of lightly sautied frog legs

~~~~~~~~

seasoned in a white wine

~~~~~~~

and onion cream sauce,

~~~~~~~~

she chuckled and thought to herself:

~~~~~~~~

I don't think so.
 
T

Tru

Guest
Blonde GUY joke

Our first Blonde GUY joke ... and well worth the wait!

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said," I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I
didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."
 
P

Polly

Guest
Funny Bumper Stickers:

1. I don't know what you're problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce!

2. How about never? Is never good for you?

3. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

4. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

5. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

6. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

7. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

8. You! Off my planet!

9. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

10. Errors will be made. Others will be blamed.

11. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

12. Allow me to introduce myselves.

13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

14. Not all men are annoying, some are dead.

15. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

16. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?

17. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.

18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

19. Ahhh...I see the foul-up fairy has visited us again.

20. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A blonde sees a pony, and decides that once and for all, she's going to get on it and learn to ride. She climbs on, puts her feet in the stirrups, takes a hold of the reigns, and the pony starts to move. As the pony gets going, she grabs a hold of the saddle horn. She starts losing her grip, and is sliding sideways from the saddle. She slides more, and is dangerously close to falling off, but she's still holding on, her head banging on the stirrup.

Finally, the Wal-Mart guy comes over and turns off the machine.
 
T

Tru

Guest
Never argue with a child

NEVER ARGUE WITH A CHILD
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The
teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow
A human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
______________________________________________________
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused! and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."

__________________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters? Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of family)answered,"Thou shall not kill." _____________________________________________________
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her
brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of Your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, ! "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or un happy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" ____________________________________________________
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
Trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
__________________________________________________
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
______________________________________________________
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
Elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large
pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
 
S

swanqueen

Guest
Tru I laughed a LOT but especially at the what if he goes to hell, then you ask him . Wish I had something to share, they are mostly computer geek jokes.
 
T

Tru

Guest
I've seen this one before, but it's a good one, and worth reading
again...

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement
in the military service, where they had been on vacation.
Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window. The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside. The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance. As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.
One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it. In his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words. Days and weeks passed. One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.
As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall. The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you." Epilogue: There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.
 
T

Tru

Guest
Beautiful

A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of
art. They had everything in their collection, from Picasso to
Raphael.

They would often sit together and admire the great works of art.
When the Vietnam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very
courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier.

The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son.

About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a
knock at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his
hands.

He said, "Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your
son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety
when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often
talked about you, and your love for art." The young man held out this package. "I know
this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist, but I think your son would have
wanted you to have this."

The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son,
painted by the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had
captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the
eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He thanked the young man and
offered to pay him for the picture. "Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your
son did for me. It's a gift."

The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time
visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait
of his son before he showed them any
of the other great works he had collected.

The man died a few months later. There was to be a great
auction of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over
seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for
their collection.

On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer
pounded his gavel.
"We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who
will bid for this picture?"

There was silence.

Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, "We want to
see the famous paintings. Skip this one."

But the auctioneer persisted. "Will someone bid for this
painting? Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?"

Another voice shouted angrily. "We didn't come to see this
painting. We came to see the Van Goghs, the Rembrandts.
Get on with the real bids!"

But still the auctioneer continued. "The son! The son!
Who'll take the son?"

Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was
the longtime gardener of the man and his son. "I'll give $10 for the
painting." Being a poor man, it was all he could afford.

"We have $10, who will bid $20?"

"Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters."

"$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?"

The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't want the picture
of the son. They wanted the more worthy investments for their
collections.

The auctioneer pounded the gavel. "Going once, twice, SOLD
for $10!"

A man sitting on the second row shouted, "Now let's get on
with the collection!"

The auctioneer laid down his gavel. "I'm sorry, the auction
is over."

"What about the paintings?"

"I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I
was told of a secret stipulation in the will.
I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until
this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned.
Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the
paintings.
 
T

Tru

Guest
Finally a point system men can understand! For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.

Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed............................+1

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows....-1

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...........-2

You leave the toilet seat up............-5

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty........+5

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5

in the rain.............................+8

but return with beer..................-1

and no pads.......................................-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night.....................+1

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.............0

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5

You pummel it with a six iron...................+10

It's her cat.......................................-40

AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party......................... 0

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a school
drinking buddy................................................-2

Named Tiffany.................................................-5

Tiffany is a dancer....................................-10

With breast implants.................................-20

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday............... +1

You buy a card and flowers.................... +2

You take her out to dinner.................... +5

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar..........+5

Okay, it is a sports bar.....................................-20

And it's all-you-can-eat night...............................-30

It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team.............................-50

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal......................... 0

The pal is happily married.........................+1

The pal is single.................................-10

He drives a Ferrari...................................-20

With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED).................-30

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie.....................+2

You take her to a movie she likes.............................+5

You take her to a movie you hate..............................+8

You take her to a movie you like..............................-5

It's called Death Cop III....................................-10

Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.......................-11

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans........-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly...........................-15

You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it....+10

You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose
jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...............................-30

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."............-1000

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?" You hesitate in
responding.....................-10

You reply, "Where?.......................-35

You reply, "No, I think it's your butt".....................-100

Any other response..........................................-20

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem: You listen,
displaying a concerned _expression................+1

You listen, for over 30 minutes..............................+5

You relate to her problem and share a similar experience....+50

You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear
her saying "well, what do you think I should do?".................-100

You have fallen asleep.....................................-200

ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH

You talk..................................................-100

You don't talk..........................................-150

You spend time with her..........................-200

You don't spend time with her..................-500

You are seen to be enjoying yourself....GAME OVER - YOU LOSE
 
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P

Polly

Guest
I howled over the guys' point system! I read most of it to Robin. His pissy reply was: "Yeah, a guy does something for himself and gets punished for it!" Boo hoo, whiny butt! :D But so much of that was us, especially the movie one and the going out to dinner one. :D
 
T

Tru

Guest
My apologies to any lawyer out there...

Attorneys:

1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

3. How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

4. How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

8. What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.

9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your honor.

12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

13. What does a lawyer use for birth control?
His personality.

14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wing tips.

17. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.
 
A

AJH

Guest
lol funny

Tru, those are HILARIOUS!!
you haven't emailed me all those yet.. ive been laughing for at least 10 minutes straight!! love you!
 
T

Tru

Guest
Alex wrote it!

I am compiling all he writes...he is gifted, if I do say so myself! :)
 
T

Tru

Guest
They Call Them Retarded?

And they call some of these people "retarded"...A few years ago,
at the Seattle Special Olympics, nine contestants, all physically or
mentally disabled, assembled at the starting line for the 100-yard dash. At
the gun, they all started out not exactly in a dash, but with a relish to
run the race to the finish and win. All, that is, except one little boy
who stumbled on the asphalt, tumbled over a couple of times, and began
to cry.
The other eight heard the boy cry. They slowed down and looked
back.
Then they all turned around and went back......every one of them.

One girl with Down's Syndrome bent down and kissed him and said,
"This will make it better." Then all nine linked arms and walked together to
the finish line.
Everyone in the stadium stood, and the cheering went on for
several minutes. People who were there are still telling the story. Why?
Because deep down we know this one thing: What matters in this life is
more than winning for ourselves. What matters in this life is helping others
win, even if it means slowing down and changing our course. If you
pass this on, we may able to change our hearts as well as someone else's.
"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle"
 
T

Tru

Guest
Women

WOMEN
They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in.

They stand up for injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without new shoes so their children can have them.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all SIZES, in all colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!

Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope.

They give compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends.

Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.

WOMEN MONTH IT'S GOOD TO BE THE WOMAN

We got off the Titanic first.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

Taxis stop for us.

We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.


We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.

We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

We have the ability to dress ourselves.

We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

There are times when chocolate really can solve all your
problems.

We'll never regret piercing our ears.

We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening anyway.
 
T

Tru

Guest
LadyInGreen sent this one to me

Nick the Dragon Slayer
> >
> > Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing
> > obsession
> > to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts,
> > but
> > he knew the penalty for this would be death. One
> > day he
> > revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio
> > the
> > Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio
> > the
> > Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick
> > the
> > Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would
> > cost him
> > 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick
> > the
> > Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
> >
> > The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of
> > itching powder and poured a little bit into the
> > Queen's
> > brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed,
> > the
> > itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being
> > summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this
> > incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King
> > and
> > Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for
> > four hours,
> > would cure this type of itch, and that tests had
> > shown that
> > only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work
> > as the
> > antidote to cure the itch.
> >
> > The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.
> > Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon
> > Slayer
> > the antidote for the itching powder, which he
> > quickly put it
> > into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick
> > worked
> > passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and
> > magnificent
> > breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually
> > relieved, and
> > Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as
> > a hero.
> >
> > Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon
> > Slayer
> > found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of
> > 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied,
> > Nick
> > the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less, and
> > knowing
> > that Horatio the Physician could never report this
> > matter
> > to the King shooed him away with no payment made.
> >
> > The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a
> > massive
> > dose of the same itching powder into the King's
> > loincloth.
> > The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon
> > Slayer...
> >
> > MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills
 
M

Maria

Guest
I am bad with jokes, in English it's even worse.

Okay, so this guy enters a bar in a hurry, goes to the counter and asks the barman:

"A double whiskey, please".

He drinks it in two seconds.

"Another double whiskey, please." And he swallows it even faster than the first time.

The barman smiles and says, "Wow, are you celebrating something?"

"Yes, my first blowjob".

"That's really a good reason to celebrate. Here, have another one on the house!!"

The guy says "Oh no, thanks. The taste is gone."
 
D

Dan_Shues

Guest
One Liner's from the great George Carlin

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"

14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has to remain silent?

22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

24. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

25. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

28. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

29. How is it possible to have a civil war?

31. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

32. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

33. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

34. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?

35. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

36. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

37. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

38. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

39. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
 
T

Tru

Guest
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian orgin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.
 
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