Oh god, it just keeps getting worse

[Butane]

Sorry everyone, I've decided to stop posting here.

Al, if you end up reading this, which, let's face it, we both know you will:

I DO NOT APPRECIATE THE COMPUTER HISTORY BEING GONE THROUGH WITH A FINE TOOTH COMB.

 

[SheLikesKitties]

:bighug:
Oh hunny, what a strange and harsh message!
What has he done to "make things work"?
What hints has he thrown?
He is asking you to talk to him, have you not done that?
I can keep asking you questions to clarify if there has been miscomunication or misinterpretations between you two, but there is one thing that does not need much interpreting... do you guys have enough (or any) sex or not? No you don't.

Take advantage of his "invitation" to talk, and see how it goes.

I feel for you. I was in a similar situation in my first marriage. We did not make it.

 

[Butane]

I have no clue what hints he's talking about honestly! I know he's changed certain things like not getting so ****-faced drunk that I've had to pick him up off the floor after he's fallen into our bookcases.

I have talked, I've talked until my face turns blue but apparently I'm not saying the things he wants to hear and all I can give him is the truth.

I wrote a message back to him and was debating on whether or not I should post it here or not, I'll even admit I went a little nuts in it lol

:bighug:
Oh hunny, what a strange and harsh message!
What has he done to "make things work"?
What hints has he thrown?
He is asking you to talk to him, have you not done that?
I can keep asking you questions to clarify if there has been miscomunication or misinterpretations between you two, but there is one thing that does not need much interpreting... do you guys have enough (or any) sex or not? No you don't.

Take advantage of his "invitation" to talk, and see how it goes.

I feel for you. I was in a similar situation in my first marriage. We did not make it.

 

[gorillagirl]

you sent him a message on FACEBOOK!?!?! the kind of conversations you two should have need to take place in the office of a marriage and family therapist.

 

[Butane]

Sorry guys, I deleted this too

 

[theREALTrish]

Does he know that you post here? Did you post the message on Facebook on your wall where everyone on your friends list could see it, or was it sent as a private message?

 

[gorillagirl]

i think you two need a short time out. can you go out of town this memorial day weekend? stay with family or friends?

 

[degausser]

I also want it clear that I vent to one friend, that he wouldn't even know I vented to had he not installed a key logger onto our computer to monitor such things

Yikes. What's with the key logger?

Are things bad right now solely because of the sex issue, or are there other things at play?

 

[RadoG60]

but you gotta choose: Vent to triflin' assholes, no matter who they are, or what forumn, and yes, you will lose me. OR) talk to me, and try and understand me.

Not trying to be a jerk, but look at what he just asked you to do. If I asked my OM not to do something, and he turns right around and does the opposite, I would be angry. That to me is a form of disrespect.

 

[degausser]

Not trying to be a jerk, but look at what he just asked you to do. If I asked my OM not to do something, and he turns right around and does the opposite, I would be angry. That to me is a form of disrespect.

I don't know if you read Butane's previous post, but it seems that for quite some time now, she has been trying to talk to him, and he is either unwilling to talk, or makes promises that never materialize. Then he gets mad when she tries to talk to anyone else about the problem. That to me is a form of control.

 

[joesbabygirl]

I kinda skimmed the responses but one - GG - Sorry, I think lashing out at the OP isnt needed here. If she felt most comfortable using FB to communicate then thats her choice. Ive used emails to say what I needed to and i view the FB as no different.

To the OP, the key logger really hit home with me. Any professional will tell you - go tell a lawyer hes done this and watch his ( the lawyers ) re-action - that a keylogger on a partner is crossing the line. He is watching everything you do and whom you do it with. He is looking to catch you at something. Please know that i dont want to see happy people part ways, I love love, I love people finding happiness ... but your guy has serious issues. Im speaking from experience.

Your guy has trust issues, youve said this by stating you have given him no reason to not trust you ... yet he has told you flat out that he doesnt
Your guy has serious control issues ... this is going to smother who you are. A partner should let you fly and be who you are, he should be ready to catch you when you fall, with no re course. He should never judge, just be supportive.
I hate to say this ... but im going to .... usualy when someone is telling their partner that they think they are cheating ... which is whats he done with the keylogger and the message ... its usualy because of their own guilt.

I wish you could talk to someone ... your mom, sibling, close cousin ... get some real insight from someone who truly loves you, and who knows the two of you on a personal level.

 

[thatoneperson]

Installing a key logger on your computer is a serious breech of YOUR trust. He should not be monitoring what you're doing online. That is very inappropriate, controlling behavior.

 

[chi77]

what radog60 said....he doesn't appreciate you airing your dirty laundry, as you've done here, even sharing with everyone on this forum the message he wrote you telling you how doing just that will cause you to lose him.

i don't know if he's justified in his mistrust of you. i don't even know what a keylogger is but you know about it.

all i know is he told you that if you did just what you're doing here, you'll lose him.

he was very clear in his message, about everything, including the fact the he loves and is in love with you.

is he delusional and/or does he have issues with himself as joesbabygirl suggested?

or is he justified in his mistrust of you? based solely what he said in his message and what you're doing on this thread, it appears there is something there.

 

[gorillagirl]

disable the keylogger. if you can't do it yourself, find someone who can. or stop using that computer. get a new computer. put a password on it that he'll never figure out. there's got to be more to this story...

 

[joesbabygirl]

i don't even know what a keylogger is but you know about it.

.

A keylogger is a program that monitors your key strokes on the key board. Hackers can use it to get security passwords, parents can use it to monioer emails and facebook conversations. In the cyber world a keylogger is comparative with locking you behind a door and tossing away the key. It monitors everything you do. One mature adult should never use it on another adult, it is a violation of trust, and if one feels they need to use it on their SO, they shouldnt be in the relationship. If they arnt mature enough to man up and just ask what they want to know, then they shouldnt be there. But to key log someone .... thats just sad.

However their is a way around it. Seach for the keyboard in your search bar for your computer. Up will pop a virtual keyboard and you can type on that instead, no key strokes required.

 

[pinkunicorn]

From what you've posted previously and now this, honey you ARE in an abusive marriage. An abusive spouse does not always use his fists. Many simply emotionally and mentally manipulate their partners until their partners no longer even recognize themselves. I know. I've been there.

I believe everyone remembers the post I Made regarding sex or lack there of a while back (no it hasn't resolved, it's actually gotten worse) Anyways:

So last night I had sent this to my husband over facebook while he slept:" I know that you love me... What I really want to know, what I really doubt is whether or not you're still IN love with me..."

I hope you just sent this in a PM, and not posted on his wall for all friends to see. Not cool. But what's done is done, and no use crying over this little bitty thing. You have bigger problems than this right now.

This morning I woke up to the most devastating thing I've ever read: "This isn't helping. I do still love you, and I am still in love with you....., Just not sure I trust you. Gotta figure that out on my own, and you seem to be oblivious to any hints I give you (or even worse, try and turn it against me). When I really talk to you, you seem to not listen. Sometimes I get the feeling I'm the only one busting my *** to make this all work, whether you see it or not, and I'm expected to do all the changing to make you happy. Gonna tell you now: Won't work in that scenario. It's a two way street. If your friends on here don't like it, oh well. Pick: Me or them.
I love you, and am still in love with you, but you gotta choose: Vent to triflin' assholes, no matter who they are, or what forumn, and yes, you will lose me. OR) talk to me, and try and understand me.
I'm not gonna get hurt again, no matter who it is, and if I think my relationship is based on the opinion of yahoo answers, we evidently have irreconcilible problems, and I'm out. Otherwise, work with me. That's all I can say, and now you have it in writing."

My ex would do the same thing. He would take something, anything that was somehow "bad" and turn it around to make me think it was all my fault. He would also tell me "It's me or them." Thinking I'd pick him. He tried to control who I could and couldn't see, when, and how often. He moved me across the country. He would tell me I wasn't allowed to be friends with people who were single, or worse-divorced (wouldn't matter if they were male or female). He had to meet ALL my friends. If I wanted to take my motorcycle out, I had to ask his permission, and if I was gone for more than an hour, there was hell to pay when I got home. If I was on the computer, doing something he didn't "approve" of, or watching a TV show he didn't "approve" of, I'd hear about it. It got to the point where I would have a "safety" website to click back to if he walked into the room, or a "safety" TV channel so I could quickly hit "last channel". The problem is, what he "approved" and "disapproved" of varied depending on his mood.

By the way I also want to make it abundantly clear I've done nothing for him to distrust me. I have busted my *** far and wide to make myself more of what he wants, to be what he'll like, to make him happy, I've changed in ways I never thought. I also want it clear that I vent to one friend, that he wouldn't even know I vented to had he not installed a key logger onto our computer to monitor such things, I do talk to him and I hand on every word again, to be more of what he wants, I've only posted ONE question on yahoo answers and that was weeks ago regarding the sex thing, it wasn't even posted under my real account.''

I just don't know what to think anymore

This scares me, too. Especially the parts I bolded. I was where you are. I was not even recognizable to my own family by the time I got out of my abusive marriage. Now, 2 years after my divorce has been final, everyone who knows me tells me they are glad to have the "real me" back again. I was at a point where I couldn't look at anyone, or have them look at me without hearing about it from my ex. I always walked looking at the ground in front of me, and wore my hair to cover up my face.

I would constantly be asked what my relationship was with certain people--people he's met and he knew.

I'm pretty savvy on the computer. I found my ex had tried to install password-retrieval software onto our computer in order to try and hack into my email account.

Butane, honey, you need help. Suggest going to marriage counseling. But I will warn you: guys like him will usually refuse therapy, or will go because they think you need help--as in someone telling you that you should listen to your man and bow down and submit to him. If he does go, he may be uncooperative simply because the therapist is a neutral party and will negate any control he thinks he has (or wants to have) over you. The therapist will give you your say and will make him listen to you. Not just physically hear what you are saying, but listen to your words and your meaning and take them to heart. If he is the type of guy I'm picking up from your post here as well as previous posts, he doesn't want to do this.

But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't still go by yourself to help you get YOU back, and learn how to deal with this guy as you cut him out of your life. Be sooo glad you two don't have children. Trust me, having kids makes this type of guy worse, and because of kids, you gotta deal with him for the rest of your life, even if you are divorced.

 

[degausser]

Sorry everyone, I've decided to stop posting here.

Al, if you end up reading this, which, let's face it, we both know you will:

I DO NOT APPRECIATE THE COMPUTER HISTORY BEING GONE THROUGH WITH A FINE TOOTH COMB.

Sorry to hear that Butane. I hope you'll take care of yourself, and keep this site in mind if you ever have more privacy.