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Once Bitten...Twicw Bitten, Oh Heck! I'm A Chew Toy!

Rolls

New member
Okay,
So I did the unthinkable. I snooped!

Things were going good for a while. A small fight here or there as every relationship has. But she became extremely controlling and jealous. Even getting angered at my past relationships before her. (all Google searches for a time machine failed me)
She had my passwords, I had hers, it didn't matter to me that she was constantly looking at my pages. I had nothing to hide, I loved her and was faithful till the end and even afterwards.
Although she looked at my messages and found nothing. She got angry when I did the same to hers. Mostly because I found things to be concerned about, and asked.
We had a very hard breakup, but got back together. I saw a big difference in her openness to me. And I told her, if she had done ANYTHING she felt sorry for she could tell me and I'd understand. She lied and said she'd done nothing. But still she had something in her eyes that was different.
So I looked again...
In her phone texts I found that she had sex with another man, at least twice. Then told him they could still be 'buddies' and to text her anytime.
I asked. She confessed and broke down. Telling me she would do anything to fix it.
I forgave her but said it will be a while to build my trust. Not because she had sex. But because she couldn't tell me herself. She told me she would show me any messages, texts, phone logs.....anything if she could just show me she loved me more than life.
Sadly in her confession. She only told me she'd had sex once and not the second day (even though it was right there in the texts) she had to lie.

So I was scared but still trying.
A week later she was very distant for two days. her eyes couldn't hold mine, and she was often unavailable for different excuses.
Knowing she had already told me I could look anytime to prove I could trust her.
I looked again.
To find that recently she'd changed her passwords. Hidden texts, blocked me on her Fbook from certain friends, and blocked others from me, she was constantly using her Email she'd never used at all. Then on her web history. I saw that she had been spending hours on end, messaging another man (I can't blame her He's built like Vin Diesel). Who was at her house at least twice while I was there, (Not knowing I would be there)
and at least 4 times by others I've talked to.

She blew up on me and called me psycho and stalker and all possible excuses to make me the bad one. Telling me she ~was~ going to tell me about this new friend she is obsessed with.
I am wondering, AM I a psycho for looking? I trusted her from the start. It was because of the things I saw that made me wonder. And honestly, I am glad I did look.
When I did try to get her to tell me the truth, she lied! Even her confession, was a partial lie! Even after forgiving and looking past it to start over. She continued to lie!

I am 52 years old (she is 28), I gave her and her children everything they ever needed if it was within my power. I know fixing things around the house, cooking, cleaning, caring for the children, are all things that any good man should do for his love. I know her friends called me a Sugar Daddy, because I bought what was needed.
Food, clothing, toys, gifts for her, things that needed bought when they were needed!
Yes... I did do expensive things. I gave her money to fix her back taxes which were badly default, and soon going to cause her to lose her home (She spent it instead of paying on them) So I personally paid on them. I paid to have her car repaired, but it still needed more work and was terrible for gas millage (we live 25 miles apart) So I bought a cheap good millage car, and placed it in her name. It was a 20 year old Subaru that cost me $350.00! (It would have cost $500.00 just to partially fix her gas guzzling SUV). I did not feel like a Sugar Daddy! I would have done all of these things if she were my wife! I considered her my life partner, and her children my own!

I never gave her money as if it was to pay her. I loved and respected all of them with all of my heart and soul!
Am I just a Sugar Daddy for doing the things I feel that any couple ~should~ be doing for each other? We had many, many happy days that we did nothing at all involving money!
But.....
I can not take her being involved with another man behind my back, and lying about it to me!

So as bad as my heart aches for her and those amazing children. When she told me to leave and never come back, I had to walk away, and I sit here crushed and alone with my tears.
** Monster Alert**
This all happened as she is in the hospital with an enlarged heart!

I am not asking for pity here, please post your true thoughts.
Thanks!
 
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fiorinda

New member
Oh Rolls, I'm so very sorry to hear all of this. To be honest, she doesn't sound like she deserves you. Hugs
 

NY10

New member
I'm sorry to see this update but in all honestly she doesn't deserve you. NO relationship should require having to look through messages and web history and searching for things, there should be open and honest trust and she has broken it not once but several times and once that trust is gone I honestly don't believe it can ever be restored, there will always be wonder and fear not to mention having to LOOK for things and hope they aren't there. For her to turn everything around like YOUR the problem is the act of a guilty party.

I know it's painful but the best advice I can give is you tried and believed but you have gotten the answers that you need to move on and not look back. I don't care what the man looked like or did she should have honest and faithful, that's not asking too much, she is clearly incapable of being truthful and faithful, those are two very main ingredients to a healthy real relationship.
 

Rolls

New member
Thank you for the replies!

I do know I have to move on here. Its just so hard still loving those children, and yes even her!

I am not trying to paint myself to be perfect though. I have many faults, and am certain plenty of our fights were my own doings.
but I still looked past ~all~ of her faults and loved her. Never lying about the types of things that involved the commitment to each other.

I am moving forward, but I will never search for lifelong commitment again. At 52, I will step away from this game of love!
Not bitter, just tired of trying.
 

SheLikesKitties

OW/YM 21YR GAP
Rolls:
You have to separate the sugar daddy issue from the lying issue.

You paid for her stuff because you love(d) her, and her kids, you did it out of the goodness of your heart. Never feel bad about it, and never allow anyone to make you feel bad about it. If she would have turned out to be a good woman you would not feel bad about it, right?

Now the lying issue is a different thing. It is unacceptable. It is unacceptable after you gave her money, but it is equally unacceptable if you did not give any money. That is why you have to separate the two issues.

Don't compound your sense of betrayal by mixing two things that are unrelated.

Having said this, if she is in the hospital, that's too bad, but again, that is ANOTHER separate issue. If you have to leave her, do so, independently of her situation. She deserves a good dumping.
 

NY10

New member
Thank you for the replies!

I do know I have to move on here. Its just so hard still loving those children, and yes even her!

I am not trying to paint myself to be perfect though. I have many faults, and am certain plenty of our fights were my own doings.
but I still looked past ~all~ of her faults and loved her. Never lying about the types of things that involved the commitment to each other.

I am moving forward, but I will never search for lifelong commitment again. At 52, I will step away from this game of love!
Not bitter, just tired of trying.

There's nothing to be bitter about or feel guilty about. These children were a huge part of your life and you loved them and her and did what you could to help them all in anyway. We live and learn, no one is perfect or 100% innocent in any problems with a relationship but like I said there are things we can look past and move on from and things we cannot. She has shown her true colors and the way she is and all that is left to do is pick up the pieces and move on to a better happier life.
 

Rolls

New member
Thank you again,

But this is not an easy fix. As I concern myself with her lies and deceit, she lays in a hospital bed. And yes even with all that has happened. I still love her.
I still fear her uncertain future. The man she has been talking with, is only interested in one goal I suspect. And that is not to make a future with her.

Tonight I've learned she has had a Heart Attack and has Congestive Heart Failure! Yes at 28 years old!
What kind of monster walks away at a time like this?
I simply can not do it!

And her children are too young to possibly understand why I am not there. When I've been there for close to a year! Playing, laughing, teaching and yes praising good and disciplining bad. The youngest Girl just told me a few weeks ago... "I have two daddies now" Nothing is more pure that the love from a child

They have grown to love me. And depend on me...
And I am not there for them right now. :(
 

degausser

New member
What kind of monster walks away at a time like this?

Do you even have a choice? Aren't you two broken up? If so, do yourself a favor and leave well enough alone. It sounds like you didn't end things on good terms. If she called you a stalker and a psycho (I don't agree with that btw), you should seriously distance yourself.

She sounds like a disaster to be honest. Please don't paint her as a damsel in distress. She sounds quite capable of taking care of herself and making her own choices. Some of those choices include choosing to be dishonest and unfaithful.

SLK explained it perfectly - don't confuse very separate issues. Her behavior has nothing to do with the "sugar daddy" thing, and neither of those things have anything to do with her health. All very separate issues. You are not a monster for staying away from a bad relationship.
 

SheLikesKitties

OW/YM 21YR GAP
To be honest, she should be the one feeling bad for letting her kids get attached to a man, that she is planning to cheat on.
 

Rolls

New member
All very good points, and Thank you for them.

But right at this moment....
It has taken 4 Hospital stays, for the Dr.'s to finally discover Her CHF! All of those stays, I have been there for those children. Who are innocent of any wrong doings.


Right now, Those Children, Still love me and depend on me!
And are scared, and left staying with Strangers to them. No matter what MY personal issues are with their mother, I still feel that those Children need something normal, among all of this confusion to them.
They love me, they love my 8 yr. old son, and they consider Us their family, because we have become one. Dysfunctional or not.

I am not searching for new love. I do not plan on searching for a new one ever. (I do know that I will have to move forward with my life at some point) But should I really just walk away from them, because of so many things that they will never understand?
At a time when they needed me the most.
 

SheLikesKitties

OW/YM 21YR GAP
Rolls, you are a nice person. You are doing the right thing by supporting the children at a time when they need it. Just beware, it is very easy to justify staying (or trying to stay) in a relationship with this woman for the sake of her children. Do not fall into that mental trap. You have to make a decision once she leaves the hospital. Please note that she does not care about the feelings of YOUR child that will probably miss her and her children, when she decided to take the path of lies and deception.
 

NY10

New member
It is a very honorable act to be there for her children, not many men would take on such a roll but like SLK has said, don't mistake being there for her kids as another form of really being there for her. I hate to say it but I don't think this woman really cares if you're there or not for her or her kids, she has treated you so badly and has turned the tables to make it seem like you're the issue. Right now she's going through a lot and I am sure her kids are scared but just confusing them further with being there and then leaving might make it worse as well. It's a tough choice and only you know the answer which is right for you but to me, this is someone who doesn't deserve you there in anyway. It's normal to love and want to be there for the kids but in the end it might just do more damage than good for everyone involved.
 

degausser

New member
As sad as it might be, I just don't think it's your place to be worrying about the children. If she reaches out to you and says, "Can you watch the kids?" then you can decide if you want to get involved (and you obviously do). But unless she does that, it isn't your place to get involved or to undermine the choices she's made about who is currently caring for them. Again, for anyone who's called you a psycho and a stalker, I wouldn't be in a hurry to make any uninvited overtures.

It's wonderful that you're so fond of her children and are looking out for their wellbeing, but unfortunately, right now you are the mother's ex-boyfriend. And not to say your relationship wasn't serious or anything, but if you were together for less than a year, not living together, etc. ...I just don't think it's your place. You aren't together anymore, and I think you would really be overstepping your bounds by trying to insert yourself into this situation. As NY10 said, don't you think it would be more confusing for them to have you in and out of the picture?
 
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Rolls

New member
Thank you again all,

I have 'lived' with her for this time. Though it was either her staying at my home, or me staying at hers. The Children are used to me being there daily in their lives.
Many times I've watched them while she had things to get done Etc...

But yes,
I am just going to walk now.

Today I went out and did things by myself.
I went and visited some friends. Stopped at a Yard Sale To see if there were any deals to be had. And saw another old friend I haven't seen in years.
I ended up just sitting there and talking with her and her friends for hours! I'd forgotten what it is like to just be myself and enjoy the company of friends.

I know that with this GF I was not 'allowed' to have friends, or a jealous fight would be the outcome. It was nice to be myself, I missed doing that!
 

SummerBob

Super Moderator
What a shallow little twit. I'm getting tired of hearing stories about young immature people using older people for monetary gain, stability, security or status while they're out chasing the perfect body, and lying and deceiving in the process. She reminds me of the song "Lyin Eyes" by the Eagles, which I hate! She wants to have her cake and eat it too, but she'll soon learn that she can't have everything the way she wants it.

I think what you did for her children by being there for them during her medical crisis was very admirable and you're to be commended for it. A lesser person would not have done that.

The people I feel the most sorry for are the children. They're totally innocent, did nothing wrong, and they'll have to suffer through all of this. What a shame.
 

Rolls

New member
What a shallow little twit. I'm getting tired of hearing stories about young immature people using older people for monetary gain, stability, security or status while they're out chasing the perfect body, and lying and deceiving in the process. She reminds me of the song "Lyin Eyes" by the Eagles, which I hate! She wants to have her cake and eat it too, but she'll soon learn that she can't have everything the way she wants it.

I think what you did for her children by being there for them during her medical crisis was very admirable and you're to be commended for it. A lesser person would not have done that.

The people I feel the most sorry for are the children. They're totally innocent, did nothing wrong, and they'll have to suffer through all of this. What a shame.

SummerBob,

I have read, and respected each, and all of the Comments thus far.

Until yours...
Although Everybody is most certainly entitled to their own opinions.
No where In any of my posts, Did I imply that ~She~ Used me for monetary gain, stability, security or status!
Yes I did say that Her Friends implied it! And YES, I am hurt and confused that it was implied by them, and I do fear that I caused it.

PLEASE do not toss Stereotypes into this. This web sight, has been built on the fact that AGR's can and do work!
She is not a "Shallow Little Twit"... Please re read my posts. At 52 TRUST ME I have been used before for all of those and more.

Yes, There is a Sugar Daddy Issue with her friends.
Yes, She was lying and deceiving me.
Yes, She may not deserve me.
Yes, She is a disaster.
And Yes, She was untruthful and unfaithful.

This was a real relationship, involving real love between two people. And SHE failed by her actions.
But She is not immature, and she did not hide things only to use me. She hid them for the same reasons ANY partner of ANY age would have.
Because they are torn and confused by their deceitful doings.

Lets please not toss old misleading stereotypes into the mix, simply because others around it caused me to fear them myself.
All of the lies and deceit, have happened within the past two weeks.
Not from the gate,

This is something that can and has happened for many couples of any age.
 

NY10

New member
This is something that can and has happened for many couples of any age.

Exactly, age has nothing to do with being unfaithful or being untruthful. As part of an AGR site I think it's best to stir clear or negative remarks about someone due to age. The whole part of this site is for people in these types of relationship to gain support and understanding with issues that arise as part of being in AGR and really any relationship. People of the same age have very similar issues to those of us with age gaps. I'm not defending her actions but I don't think age was a factor in any of it, just her choices she made ended with the result in which this relationship is in now but it doesn't take away from the relationship that was shared.
 

SummerBob

Super Moderator
Sorry if I offended you, Rolls. If I were dating a much younger lady who was hiding a young guy with a nearly perfect body behind my back, that's how I'd feel about it. I would feel used and betrayed. Not knowing your history and full story, I had nothing else go to on. Not knowing anything about her but the little bit you've written, I had no other information to base my impression of her on. I rushed to judgement based on very limited information and that was wrong of me.

Internet forums are bits and bytes, words on a page. Nobody on these pages REALLY knows the other people here. We don't know what each other look like (most of us), sound like or how we interact with people in real life. We don't know the full history and background of other forum members. We get little bits and pieces from what people write. Sometimes we get our buttons pushed and say things. Sometimes we're tired and it's late at night. Sometimes we're frustrated by things going on in our routine and we see something on a forum that bugs us, so we type something.

So please don't judge me. I try to be of help to people here, if I say the wrong thing sometimes then I'm sorry. Sometimes if someone says things that rub people the wrong way on a forum, it's because people don't know where that person is coming from.
 
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Rolls

New member
Apology Accepted SummerBob,
No hard feelings!

Yes online, very often it is hard to even understand the context that a person is trying to portray from their posts.

I am usually the type of person who tries to look at a situation from both sides before giving my input. Even when I have given my thoughts, I try to consider that one side, the other, or both may still hold personal feelings.

Far too many times I've voiced... "Oh you two broke up? Well I never liked him/her anyhow!"
Only to then see the couple a few weeks later walking along happily, but glaring at me when they see me. :(

Its just best to hold off any name calling in my view.

gorillagirl,
Although I know you are right, Its hard to run while I am still lying on the ground reeling from it all!
I am just now attempting to gain my senses and sit up!
 
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