Pornography/Erotic Images and how they fit in your relationship?

[Jewelzz]

Hi All,

I thought I would come to you all for a bit of advice. First off I am generally an open-minded person. My bf who lives with me for the past 8 mos. and I have a 17 yr age gap. He started staying up late on weekends after I've gone to bed to listen to music, using a headset, but he also surfs erotic sites on the web. I have not accessed his comp, he has told me as much.At first this didn't sit well with me but I have tried to come to terms with it. The other night we sat together late, enjoying a glass of wine and he showed me one of the sites he is going to. All the girls are a lot younger and he saves the pics to his comp, created a rolling screen saver of them. It just hit me hard afterwards. I am questioning whether he really wants me or feels he needs the images of younger woman to arouse him. I am looking for a solid long term relationship and his need for images of mostly younger woman makes me wonder how he is going to contend with my aging body. He does say he loves me and wants a long term commitment and we are the best of friends as well as partners. I'm just not sure about his use of pornography.

Any thoughts on this will be appreciated. I don't want to have an issue with his viewing pornography. I was married to a man ten years older and didn't have an issue with him but back then...there was no internet with ready 24/7 access...you had to go the store to get it!

Heartfelt thanks,

Jewelzz

 

[Azureth]

Well, I am a YM but porn isn't appealing to me at all; same with strip clubs. Many have said I'm lying but it's the honest to god truth. However, I know for most guys it is, and honestly I never understood why a man would want to watch it when he has a great loving woman but YW face this as well. The fact that it really bothers you should be enough for him to stop or at least try to come to a compromise, say you both watch a video together in bed or something.

You specify that he is looking at pretty YW but do you honestly think you'd feel any better if it were say MILF porn? I personally think it's degrading and disrespectful when you have a partner but I know many have different opinions about it.

I'd try to talk to him again and if he won't even try to compromise on it then that's bad news bears.

Hope you can both work something out! :bighug:

 

[walkersam]

Jewelzz, I don't know how I would feel. I can tell you that my ex who was older than me liked to watch it and it killed our sex life completely. I went to bed and he stayed up all night and watched porn. I think I would be more content with watching movies or erotica together than him staying up on the computer though I have looked some stuff up myself.

I did have a few issues once we got a little older with my ex watching the young girls cause it seemed kind of smarmy that he was watching girls the same age as our son and younger.

That being said, no matter how pretty the girls, they are a fantasy and not accessible and I think our men like us for who we are and our confidence. I do think there needs to be a discussion and maybe limits and maybe enjoying it together could be an option?

 

[Jewelzz]

Thanks Azureth, you've made me ask myself something...Is it the age of the women in the images or just that he feels the need to use porn? Don't know the answer yet but I'm going to think on that. I can say he would defo watch a porn video with me there.

I want to be open-minded about it all but one thing sticks in my head...why does he need it when he has me? AND I know that is controlling because i think it's natural for a straight man to adore the female form. Who am I to suggest he not view pornographic images at his leisure?!

He has said to me that I am kidding myself if I don't think all men do it. One thing I am sure of...it's a bit of a redflag for me that I am possibly not enough for him.

*smiles* thanks for the hug.

 

[Azureth]

Thanks Azureth, you've made me ask myself something...Is it the age of the women in the images or just that he feels the need to use porn? Don't know the answer yet but I'm going to think on that. I can say he would defo watch a porn video with me there.

I want to be open-minded about it all but one thing sticks in my head...why does he need it when he has me? AND I know that is controlling because i think it's natural for a straight man to adore the female form. Who am I to suggest he not view pornographic images at his leisure?!

He has said to me that I am kidding myself if I don't think all men do it. One thing I am sure of...it's a bit of a redflag for me that I am possibly not enough for him.

*smiles* thanks for the hug.

Personally, I think it's mostly just him wanting to watch porn. I'd think if he wanted a young pretty woman that badly he wouldn't be with you.

Just because men are more visual is no excuse for what he is doing if it makes you feel uncomfortable. It's just a dumb excuse lots of guys use to watch porn or have a wandering eye when out and about.

You shouldn't have to feel less than at all. But it's not just YM that do it, OM do it as well, and again I doubt most of the time it's so much that they just want to view pretty young girls as it is just wanting to get off on any porn they can. And no, not ALL men do it, that's a cop out.

It's good to be open-minded, but just don't be so open-minded that you let him continue to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable, if he really cares about you he will take your thoughts into consideration and adjust accordingly.

 

[gorillagirl]

I know lots of guys who are almost or literally addicted to porn and can't have fully functional committed relationships with real women of any shape, size, or beauty level. When someone is into porn, often nobody is more interesting than the unattainable fantasy babe on the screen. I find it very disappointing. I've had 2 VYM in my life tell me recently that they prefer porn and jerking off because there is no other person's feelings, emotions, or needs to consider and that THEY can come to the fantasy with any emotions they choose (including anger, etc). It's just a drama-free fantasy and emotional release for them. I have found it very annoying when I'm in bed with a guy and he's masterbating without porn or surfing porn instead of pleasuring me. LOL. I'll kick him outta my bed at that point. I have a VYM friend with benefits I call when I'm desperate. We hung out this past weekend. It had been 7 months since I've seen him. He's girlfriend-free and hadn't been with anyone but me since then for intercourse. He did get a few condomed BJs since then by another friend of his. He just can't handle relationships. He can screw all night but he can't orgasm with a woman. He can only orgasm from masterbating. He just jerks off so much, generally with porn, he's stuck in a pattern and no other sensation can make him cum. I had forgotten that it's not so fun to have sex with him because of it and I probably won't do it again. Maybe in another six months if neither of us has a regular partner/lover/hookup/FWB. It's very sad for the guy that his jerking off/porn addiction means less fulfilling sex and it's very frustrating and boring for a woman as a partner that she can't get him off. I don't have any advice for you other than just keep talking about it.

 

[orillia]

I am probably the most contrary person on this forum about this issue.

I've never had an issue with any guy I've been with, looking at porn. I'm so not threatened by it. Maybe it's because I knew people in the porn industry, and they were the lamest, least intelligent, skeeziest people I knew. I'm very intelligent, and I think I have a good personality. So there's no way any guy I date would ever wanna dump me for a porn star lol

I look at these people in porn as just interchangeable objects of fantasies. They're nothing but images on a screen. I actually enjoy watching porn myself, and I've probably watched porn with about every guy I've been in a serious rel'ship with. It can definitely enhance your sex life, as can going to strip clubs together. I never had a problem with my most recent ex, getting lapdances together and he could even touch the stripper..I was so not threatened.

As for whether porn is degrading to women, it depends on the type of porn. I personally am a fetish model, and I have no problem with people objectifying me. I can't explain why-I just feel like society should be more tolerant of people's sexual preferences, and what i choose to do in the bedroom, or in my career, is really no one's business. I run my own business and make a fairly good lliving off of my modeling, so I feel it is empowering, not disempowering. It gives me a great amount of confidence, frankly.

I think my ex had a preference for milf porn, but he also looked at big breast porn, and I don't have big breasts. I so don't compare myself to any porn people, because I'm actually a 3-dimensional human whereas they're nothing but images. Maybe if you can look at it like that, that would help.

Now, the only time I could see myself having a problem with porn is if my guy decided he'd rather do that, than have sex with me. THAT would be a problem. But so far I haven't run into that.

 

[gorillagirl]

orillia,
i love you and your name is almost gorilla

 

[VenusDarkStar]

To me, there is a big difference between admiring the female form and viewing pornography. If they were artistic images, as in tastefully erotic photography or paintings, I could understand and appreciate that....but watching videos of sexual acts is offensive to me. I feel that they paint an unrealistically lewd picture of what should be the most intimate moments a couple can share.

I once had a YM living with me who did this as well...on MY computer, so I could accidentally find it as I was looking for something in the URL field. I also observed that he was continuing to use the dating site where we had met. The worst part of it to me is that he was doing this while I was gone to work and he was supposed to be looking for a job. When I came home, the apartment was filthy....dirty dishes in the sink...dirty countertops...and the dust bunnies in the corners....after he had promised me that the least he could do while he was looking for a job was to help around the house. After putting up with this childish behavior for nearly a year, I kicked his porn loving fanny to the curb, without shedding a tear.

My current boyfriend admitted to watching porn before he met me, but he says that now he just looks at MY pictures....which is normal behavior for a man, IMHO. Why would a man need to look at pictures of other women in a sexual content when he's got the real deal? Jewelzz...HE is the one with the problem...NOT you.

:kfluffy: <~~~ more of this with you and less porn!

 

[Azureth]

To me, there is a big difference between admiring the female form and viewing pornography. If they were artistic images, as in tastefully erotic photography or paintings, I could understand and appreciate that....but watching videos of sexual acts is offensive to me. I feel that they paint an unrealistically lewd picture of what should be the most intimate moments a couple can share.

I once had a YM living with me who did this as well...on MY computer, so I could accidentally find it as I was looking for something in the URL field. I also observed that he was continuing to use the dating site where we had met. The worst part of it to me is that he was doing this while I was gone to work and he was supposed to be looking for a job. When I came home, the apartment was filthy....dirty dishes in the sink...dirty countertops...and the dust bunnies in the corners....after he had promised me that the least he could do while he was looking for a job was to help around the house. After putting up with this childish behavior for nearly a year, I kicked his porn loving fanny to the curb, without shedding a tear.

My current boyfriend admitted to watching porn before he met me, but he says that now he just looks at MY pictures....which is normal behavior for a man, IMHO. Why would a man need to look at pictures of other women in a sexual content when he's got the real deal? Jewelzz...HE is the one with the problem...NOT you.

:kfluffy: <~~~ more of this with you and less porn!

I completely agree with everything you said. There is a big difference between admiring the female form and lusting after unrealistic images. For example, look at all the naked Greek statues of men and women, that was done tastefully as admiration, rather than a way to turn men on. Porn just cheapens sex IMO.

When I'm out with other guys and they start going on and on about how "hot" some girl is and how they'd love to screw her I just want to face palm at how lame it is. I just don't see the point in getting all worked up over something, chances are, you don't have a chance in hell of ever obtaining.

 

[walkersam]

Azureth you are awesome! Just sayin!

My ym does have his own issues but he doesn't like that kind of thing either and has never been to a strip club.

 

[Jewelzz]

Thanks for all your input. I don't think its a matter of him getting off to the porn as much as a "visual fantasy". Is anyone in the thread European or British? I find the perspective on erotica a bit different with them. For example, the Brits have the page 2 or 3 Sunshine Girl in their daily Sun paper who is topless. It's read by the general population right across the board....but you would not see this in a Canadian newspaper.

So you see I'm not saying he sits up looking at pornos all night. He looks at erotic images. I am thinking its a cultural thing that is acceptable as he is British.

Thanks again for your imput and just today he let me know that this he doesn't need the art to get aroused. Sooooo we are talking about a concept that I am trying to understand and as I love him I am willing to give it a try.

 

[walkersam]

Jewlezz is he British and you are not? I knew that Europeans are more open to being topless than we are here in the states. But I think porn is pretty much porn anywhere.

Erotica is different and I actually like to read and watch erotica myself but it is geared more for both men and women.

Maybe get some stories and try reading them together. I just don't think you have a huge problem unless it becomes a situation like mine where it did interfere with my marriage.

 

[pinkunicorn]

Orilla, you rock!

Erotic images are meant to enhance, not replace. It only becomes a problem when people would rather view adult videos rather than be with an actual person. Jewelzz, it sounds like he's not replacing you with his adult videos and that he's very into you. You have nothing to worry about.

I enjoy watching adult features, as well as XXX videos, both alone and with my husband. Although I much prefer the adult features--they have plots and a storyline, versus the XXX videos which are only sex scene after sex scene after sex scene. The majority of the women in these films are "prettier", have "better" figures, etc. But I know my man loves me as I am. Jewelzz, your man loves you as you are, too.

I think it's more fun to watch videos with my partner, actually. We can act out what we're seeing. I can watch an actor going down on the actress while my husband is going down on me, and it adds to the pleasure.

But if you've given it the old "college try" and have determined that you just aren't into adult films and images, that's ok, too. But if your boyfriend still enjoys it, let him. And please don't make him feel bad about something he enjoys. All that will do is cause a rift between the two of you. You already know he isn't using this to replace you. When he's with you, he's with YOU, not some fantasy woman.

 

[Jewelzz]

I'm Canadian of British roots and he is British. I find the Brits like their "cheeky" images to the point of erotica to pornography a little more commonly than in North America. That's why I am thinking it may be a cultural thing rather than a "pornography addiction" going on. I'm not sitting back and making excuses for him but I'm watching to see where it goes. It's early days.

THANKS Again everyone who posted! Your words about your own life experience has been food for thought.

Cheers!

Jewelzz - who feels a lot better since she started this thread.

 

[VenusDarkStar]

Thanks for all your input. I don't think its a matter of him getting off to the porn as much as a "visual fantasy". Is anyone in the thread European or British? I find the perspective on erotica a bit different with them. For example, the Brits have the page 2 or 3 Sunshine Girl in their daily Sun paper who is topless. It's read by the general population right across the board....but you would not see this in a Canadian newspaper.

So you see I'm not saying he sits up looking at pornos all night. He looks at erotic images. I am thinking its a cultural thing that is acceptable as he is British.

Thanks again for your imput and just today he let me know that this he doesn't need the art to get aroused. Sooooo we are talking about a concept that I am trying to understand and as I love him I am willing to give it a try.

"I'm just not sure about his use of pornography." <~~~ Jewelzz, I think this is the line that got us all started thinking it was "pornography" you were referring to.

I'm glad you're working it out.

 

[Jewelzz]

Btw, I do watch porn and view erotica myself...in my situation it was a knee jerk reaction I was dealing with for him and the women being younger.

 

[Jewelzz]

GJG, I wasn't sure which word to use as he views both Erotica and Pornography and I was voicing my own personal confusion over the usage of it or if its just eye candy for the brain.

thanks,

J.

 

[walkersam]

Jewelzz I think the hardest thing any of us have had to deal with is coming to terms with those younger girls out there and if they are gonna want them. Our boobs may sag a little and we may have a few extra pounds but I am betting with our experience and confidence we are way more fun than those young girls.......

I would think most guys actually do look at the young girls when they look at stuff like that because I am sure there is a lot more of it.

The only thing I really had a huge problem with was girls gone wild and they were all college kids and it just seemed so creepy with my ex who could be their daddy. But then again, I can enjoy a young man without a shirt that has muscles myself.....

 

[Azureth]

Ah, that explains a lot. Yes, Europeans really do view that kind of stuff differently. What's funny is they are pretty conservative when it comes to violence as we are with sex. They have little problem with topless or nude women but do have a problem with violence and gore.

Glad you are working it out.