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Serious doubts

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Emma H.

Guest
I've never thought that I would post something so personal but I think that now I could really use some other perspective and opinion. Please, ignore my mistakes as my English is far from perfect. :(

My post is too long but I hope that I will get some reply. I've noticed how many people are very wise and intelligent on this forum.
I would like to hear your opinion about whether my problems are caused only by my oversensitivity and insecurity (as I am so often told). I feel however, that I was taken for granted and mistreated.


My boyfriend and I love each other a lot and our relationship was always intense. I moved in with him, decided to leave my hometown and cause a huge stress to my family. Still, that was my decision. Now, when our relationship is more serious (I want him to spend some time with my family, we discuss a serious commitment) I am facing some doubts about whether we indeed share the same moral values and whether with him I only risk being more hurt.

He is my first love and my first serious relationship. I am still an idealist when it comes to love, I believe in honesty, devotion, faithfulness, I detest lies of any sort and deceiving. People around me may say that I should be more liberal and able to separate what is really important. I am still in that first stage (after almost 2 years) of a very passionate and strong love where even the smallest hint that my partner is not true towards me can hurt me tremendously. At first we had a long distance relationship (it started like a flirt and after we met it continued as an affair) and I didnt have any jealousy issues at that time. I started considering us in a relationship after we met for the first time and our relationship developed. When we started talking seriously about maybe living together or me continuing my studies in his town I made one request only, that he finalize his divorce procedure (he was separated), for obvious reasons. Through all this time I trusted him, we were texting each other all the time and he was very devoted to me so I had no reason to think that he was or would ever be unfaithful or untrue towards me.

After some time we started living together. Soon after I accidentally discovered (really without intention, he gave me to use his old number and some messages were saved in the phone), that at the time I was causing my family a hell in order to come to be with him, he had some suspicious exchanges with a woman (not a friend) with who he went out once (what appeared to be a date). He said that he just wanted a company to go to the opera, that nothing happened, that he was very lonely and I've decided not to make of it a big deal but that caused a first doubt. Time passed and I've developed a shameful and awful habit to read his mails (please, spare me a critic... :blush::fryingpan:) as he had my password and I had his. From the moment I've read those first messages I was tempted to discover was there more as I strongly believed it was. I was right to doubt as I've discovered that at the time we had a long distance relationship (but even after he started visiting me) he was also an active member of a dating site and had a numerous exchanges with various women even if apparently none developed to an actual date (apart from the one I've mentioned). That hurt me tremendously and we had a serious argument (the reason I've discovered these mails is that he deleted everything in the inbox but haven't in the sent mails). He had a tough marriage where his wife sexually rejected him for years, he was often lonely (as his work includes a lot of travel) and he in his own admission was lost at that time. He also defended that he never actually cheated on me (slept with anyone (he only defines physical as cheating)) and that that happened months ago, when he wasn't sure whether I would join him at all. I was very hurt but because very much in love and told that it was my oversensitivity and not a truly important matter I've decided to try and forget something that happened months ago. He managed to convince me that he truly loves me, he treats me very well, he said that he would never be indecent towards me and that from the day I came he never thought about anyone else. We stayed together but then something happened that finally ruined all my trust in him and I seriously started considering a brake up.

His divorce procedure was slow and tough. His wife wanted to take more and more money of him, children sided with her and he hadn't seen them very often (but since he was always working in another town so it wasn't such a big change). We started having crises as my life wasn't very fulfilled and we were talking about me leaving. Still, no one made any move towards it and we stayed together. Things were getting better and then I've found out something new... During that "crises" he had some exchanges with his wife about actually going back to her and even spoke to her about it on one occasion (clearly wanting to keep his options open). His doubts lasted for two months. I was speechless. For me that was betrayal and I couldn't believe that he could work behind my back like that. I just felt it was weak and pathetic of a man his age and not decent to anyone. He went to his usual cry for forgiveness, telling me that he got scared about me leaving him alone, blaming me for causing him insecurity, saying that he only had some doubts because of his children, that he would never actually leave me, that he loves me and wants to marry me, that it happened months ago - he thinks that time denies the action (3 months from the event, he accidentally told me some more hurtful details yesterday), that he was so good towards me... I felt sick but once more agreed to try to forgive his weakness, because we love each other a lot and cant separate easily. Still, it haunts me. I don't like the new discovered aspects of his character (his weaknesses and selfishness) and I don't like what he made of me. I am not sure I could ever trust him again, he made me too insecure and I don't want to be a possessive lunatic anymore. I am torn between two options and would appreciate some advice. Is this only my hurt pride? Should one understand such weaknesses and forgive? Or it is a risk of being more hurt?

This is a short version of the story and I would like to hear your opinion.
 
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southrnboysgirl

Guest
Emma, in short, your man seems emotionally unreliable and if I were you I would be very afraid or at the least insecure. I hope you can get some distance- emotionally and physically to really think whether this is the right situation for you.

You are a beautiful, sweet girl and I think you deserve way more protecting and respect :yes: than what you are getting (and I am not so bothered by his talking to other girls before you moved......it's the actions since you moved in I have a problem with).

Take care
 
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Emma H.

Guest
Thank you so so much for your advice and kind words. I suffered a lot because of all this and I really needed someone to tell me that my feelings of being betrayed and mistreated were real as I was constantly in denial. I felt too humiliated to discuss it with my friends or family. Now I came to the point that I can hardly imagine us having any future as I would constantly worry about whether he is honest with me (lies hurt me the most in this situation). Even when we had problems we never stopped being close to each other (we make love almost every day) and I cant stop thinking how he was sending mails and negotiated with his wife while I was equally devoted to him whatever our situation was at that time. I agree with you that I should get some distance however hard that is.
 

Angel

Anger Thrives In A Fool
blaming me for causing him insecurity

For mainly this reason I would be hesitant to trust him. I don't like anyone who blames me for their poor decision making and it's such a huge red flag to me that it not only stops me in my tracks but it makes me start running in the opposite direction. IMO it speaks of a man who is not comfortable with his own flaws to such a degree that he would rather deny them and blame his partner for his mistakes. That is an entirely unappealing quality in a man for me.

I believe he's insecure as well. The difference is you haven't indicated any poor behaviors on your part to cause his fears. Are there any or is he using your insecurity to excuse his behaviors? What you have indicated in your post, to me, is that you are with a guy who has a tendency to run (or considers running) towards another woman whenver he has doubts. Instead of the problems being an opportunity to strengthen your relationship he allows it to pull you both apart. Why does he not see problems as opportunities for growth and I wonder if this was behavior was common in his marriage as well?

You mention that you were an affair for a period of time. Do you mean others didn't know about you or do you mean you were the other woman? If it was the latter then I could see this impacting the relationship's insecurities as well. (no judgement there just thinking of what could be impacting things)

Emma, it is possible to overcome these issues if you and your guy are willing to make changes in how you react to the insecurity. What causes him to shut down instead of coming and talking to you that he could change? If he can't identify what starts the chain reaction it will only be a matter of time before he betrays your trust in a way that will be un-fixable.

Before anything else occurs you two need to define clear boundaries of what constitutes cheating in your relationship. Unless you are both on the same page how can you address any of the issues? You say that he only sees physical touch as cheating, but you don't indicate in your post that you agree. So what do you constitute as cheating? Not what will appease him but what you really feel because, otherwise, you are setting him up to fail you by not being honest about what you will or will not tolerate.

I don't want to be quick to judge his decisions about his ex-wife and the women at the beginning of your relationship. I know lots of people who second guess their divorces, especially when children are involved and as D-day :)o) draws closer.

You are your guy need to be more proactive with your communication instead of reactive. Work on opening the communication up between each other instead of allowing this to shut you both down. Remember Emma, you can only fix 50% of this relationship. Unless he engages back nothing you say or don't say will prevent him from continuing to make poor choices. From what you've wrote you seem to doubt his sincerity to want to work on his 1/2 of the relationship, so if you continue the relationship what will you stand to gain outside of more heartbreak?

...and do not let him guilt you for his bad decisions. Put that one right back in his court.
 
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gorillagirl

Guest
Hi Emma,
It seems to me as if your boyfriend is not ready to be in a committed relationship with -anyone-. Making love every night does not mean he is fully committed to you and his actions have proven that he is sitting on a fence.
This is very distressing. Ask yourself this: if a friend was in this situation, what advice would you give to her? I hope you can take some space and time away from this situation for a while.
 
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Emma H.

Guest
Thanks for your reply Angel.

He was separated when I met him but I am not sure whether he had any plans to actually get divorced. At first it was only a flirt and no one thought that we could meet or have a relationship (big age difference and living far from each other). When it actually happened I insisted that he solve his situation but I have to say that I didn't want any real responsibility for it. I told him that if he thinks he could still make it with his wife he should try again as I didn't want to be the one who will break a family. Still, he was in so many ways badly treated by his wife that it seemed impossible, he didn't love her anymore and wondered whether he ever truly loved her. When he made a decision to get on with his divorce he said that it wasn't because of me. All his friends and family supported him telling that he should have done it much earlier. Personally, I am not sure that he would ever have courage to do it if i wasn't there.

At the time of his doubts we may have discussed splitting as for me it wasn't easy to adapt to a new country, city. Still, I stayed with him and didn't make any real attempt to actually leave him. Later he told me that I was a good part of the reason why he left his wife for good and that he got scared of me leaving him. I think it is a reasoning of a parasite. His fears made him hurt his poor wife (who is very much concerned about the lifestyle and a social perception of a woman without a husband) even more by giving her hope, a woman that he never loved and wasn't decent towards her either (however I tend to understand that knowing how she treated him).

You are right that he doesn't realise his faults. He thinks that I cant accept our happiness and that I am dealing with the things of the past (If it didn't happen yesterday it is a matter of the past) and that since he didn't cheat on me I cant accuse him of anything (he doesn't really accept my view but tells me that I am too jealous and sensitive). He thinks that all his weaknesses deserve forgiveness as far as he loves me, treats me well and doesn't cheat on me (his version of cheating). I consider him an intelligent man but i must say that his reasoning is too simplistic. I've never done anything like that to him so he doesn't know how it feels. Now, that I am considering leaving him, he constantly apologizes (he even cried), repeats "I love you", "I adore you", "I want to marry you" but I don't see that in any way he truly understands the consequences of his actions. I used to believe that he loves me, he did many things for me and always seemed sincere but now I am afraid that it may not be the case. He has a fear of loneliness, I am afraid that he needs a companion, any companion. And how to be sure that he doesn't just use me to fill that emptiness?
 
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Emma H.

Guest
Ask yourself this: if a friend was in this situation, what advice would you give to her?

You're right, I should think in that direction.
 
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Emma H.

Guest
His kids are 11 and 12, I am 21 and he is 48. His wife never had an orgasm in her life and stopped having sex with him almost completely after giving birth to her children, although that wasnt a main reason for their divorce. He pays alimony and is in a final stage of a divorce procedure. I met his mother, brother and many of his relatives so I surely wasn't some hidden affair.
 
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Emma H.

Guest
Reading your advices I will dump him as soon as he gets back from his business trip!
I feel he loves me but I have no energy left. :(
 
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gorillagirl

Guest
Emma,
You sound very intelligent about the situation.It does not matter how much he says "I love you" or "I want to marry you." Words are just words and it sounds like your BF acts more from fear of loneliness than commitment to a woman. His words need to be constantly evaluated against his behavior. If you don't trust him or feel safe, it's time for a break. Remember, his main concern, as your lover/partner, should be YOUR well-being. Every time. That is love.
 
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Emma H.

Guest
No, he was but for the last 2 years, he admitted to me everything about that and told me that he had two short affairs after 4 or 5 years of his marriage. He told me a lot about his past and I accepted him like that but the present is what concerns me.
 
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Emma H.

Guest
Well, there is only one choice left for me now... :( Thanks for your advices.
 
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gorillagirl

Guest
emma,
can you take some time away? a few weeks vacation?
 
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Emma H.

Guest
I will just pack my cases and leave him forever, cut all the contact as I wont be able to heal if he constantly calls me. I know that he will have a hard time, he is a good person and I love him a lot, but I think that there is no hope for us after all the suffering he caused me.
 
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gorillagirl

Guest
Emma,
This is a very extreme decision and I'm sorry you are being so hurt by this relationship. Much love to you.
 
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Emma H.

Guest
I need some time to think so I need to go away for a while. Thank you very much for all you support, this is such a nice community. I've read in some other topic that you are going through a tough period as well. Hugs :bighug:
 
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southrnboysgirl

Guest
Emma, space, baby space. take some space- shut your fon off (get a temporary fon if you need to be contactable, but don't give him your number, so it is a real break).

While it is true that many of us are the age of your bf, so we can speak from experience- we didn't get here by following advise necessarily, but by doing what we thought was best for us and learning from it. You are SO young, if it feels best for you to leave....if that sits comfortabley with you, then that is what you should do; but whatever you do has to come from your heart.

hugs again
 
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