The Cardinal Rules to VYM Relationships

[eliza]

Well there certainly is a very strong anti-cheating tone to the community here and unfortunately there are a lot of members that believe that relationships with vym are doomed to failure and heartache.

We do what we gotta do though right? You aren't required to take anyone's advice here. Take what you want to heart and leave the rest.

really love that comment. It's all about the Law of Attraction:yes:

 

[eliza]

And there in lies the rub I think... when you post an assumption (unless stated otherwise... ie I'm venting or Introduction, etc etc) is that you are looking for advice. The fact is that most folks do not want advice. They just really want other people to say, "yea you are doing the right thing... go for it", permission so to speak. Thing is we can't control what other folks say or think and lots of them are likely going to disagree with our actions to some extent. Can't be helped especially in a community this large with people of all kinds of different experiences. I think there is an element of this involved when we try to correct our original posts too.

For example, in the heat of the moment, I post here and give entirely my side of the story and a lot of really negative stuff about my guy. I get a lot of replies that say leave the bum. No surprise there. Later I think it over and cool off. I come back here and back pedal A LOT. He's not a bum. I didn't paint him accurately. He's supportive and wonderful and etc, etc, etc. Unfortunately, Nobody here knows him... only me and I gave a pretty poor picture of him in the first place. It looks like I am making up excuses to stay with him when he's really a bum and I am afraid of being lonely or w/e.

I think this kinda thing happens a lot. It reminds me of my oldest daughter. One time she came to me very upset when she was in Jr High. She was fighting with her best friend. She started to tell me all of these REAALLY hateful things her girlfriend had said. I stopped her and said, "Honey, in 2 days you will have made up with Patty. You won't recall any of these terrible things that you have told me. You will love her again. I, on the other hand, being invested in YOU and not Patty will remember every awful thing and it will really color how I look at her. Is this what you want? Because when you give the gloom and doom to another, who doesn't know any better, its almost impossible to take it back and correct it." She thought it over for a 1/2 a second and said yea... you are right. I don't want Patty to be thought of as only her worst moment, but as all of her moments. Its true. We want those we loved to also be loved by others, sometimes they will be and sometimes they won't be.

My point is it is hard to go back and re-direct your posts once you have made them and since we don't know each other here all anyone can go by is what you have written yourself...

Ahh, I have experienced this a great deal, lol. In my case there really were alot of red flags, but i had to live my own life and make my own mistakes to figure that out...I have friends who forbid me to talk about him because in the past several days after a falling out we'd be back together, just as tight as ever. There's alot of wisdom to what you're saying.

 

[eliza]

I have to say that I have never been more impressed than I am with the intelligence I see from posters here. I came looking for advice, reassurance and hope for myself, and have certainly managed to get all of that and more from each of you! Some posts I have responded to directly, others I have benifited from just in reading Your sincerity, wisdom and non-judgemental outlook is just what I have been looking for. I am as new to this website as I am new to this concept (OW/YM) but feel I have come across folks with the kind of substance that builds lasting friendships! Thank you.

Back to this thread.....When I stop to think about what it is I want in a man, I realize that those characteristice I deem most important are not related to age at all. I realize that questioning an AG relationship is merely succumbing to social norms, and caring too much about what other people think. It is nothing more than FEAR! It is something I truly hope to change about myself. I am learning to think "outside the box". I read somewhere, and may have already posted on another thread, a quote that I came across recently that made an impact on me: "sometimes we have to exceed the boundaries of common sense to have an uncommon experience". My "Prince Charming" or "Soulmate" if such a thing truly exists, would be someone I knew to be honest, sincere, open-minded, loyal, kind, loving, and possess the courage of conviction to those qualities. I have found all of these things in one YM-while I am still in the earliest stages of getting to know him, he has certainly sparked my interest-and age has nothing to do with it!

I can really relate to this comment. This site is a really wonderful trove of wisdom and knowledge. I wish I spent more time reading the comments, but when I do sit down every so often and read through threads I feel blessed to have stumbled upon such a community, because what I read has arisen out of authentic experiences. Keep it coming.

 

[eliza]

Hmmm, I just saw that my last (and probably first as well) posting was almost a year ago. Times flies when you're dating a YM
I was just scratching the surface of this 'strange new world' then, my "uncomfortable" feelings softened by copious amounts of reading on "the OW/YM subject", this site providing a great deal of support.
I would never have guessed I'd be back here however, thinking I was probably going through another one of my "phases", but, alas...
It will be a year this Thursday a celebration of some sort will be taking place to honor the relationship I have been in with my YM, and yes, we're actually in the same town, this is not a LD thing.
A year if you don't count the probably 4 months worth of time I've spent breaking up with him only to realize, after being relentlessly pursued (as mentioned in many of the previous posts here) over and over how much I care about him and how much more fun my life is with him in it.
I could write a novella tonight about subjects I would like to get feedback on from all of you "veterans" but I will try to spread them out so as not to bore anyone to tears and truncate them as much as possible.
What is particularly sensitive and a bit sting-y as my title refers, is the "Dirty little secret" concept. I feel that way quite often. Although there are some cultural differnces that are very foreign (pardon the pun) to me. He is Romanian and says that if he brings a woman home to meet his family it means for marriage. This is something I have been struggling with for awhile but I have had several friends who have dated/married certain European/Mid Eastern etc. men who agree with what he says. I have ALWAYS been swiftly introduced to the families of ALL my previous beaus (all American)because they were proud to show me off so this is very different and difficult for me.
He also doesn't have a lot of friends but I have yet to meet any of them. I have introduced him to most of my friends and yes, I do put up with some ribbing but whatever,it's my life...
I didn't read through all the posts on this thread but look forward to doing so, time permitting. I would really like to hear about anyone who's experienced this "Dirty Little Secret" thing and how they handled it.
Thanks to all on here who make this a comfortable place to land
A

While no one can tell you what to do, let me say that what you're saying sounds, earily so, like it was taken out of a page of my own book of experiences with my former ym....It was apparent quite early into the relationship. After he told his parents about me they forbade him to introduce us as a couple to their friends or members within the Jewish community that we may have potentially bumped into while out and about together. The first time this---paradigm, if you will, was presented to me, I said "no effin way". Said ym would try to smooth things over, but was very much prone to the dictates of his parents (which, of course, indicated his own inability to be in a relationship, period, but I digress....). No matter how many times he would say that it was ok, we could be a public couple, when it came right down to it he would back down! one time we were walking hand-in-hand to a Starbucks and he worriedly pulled his hand from mine because he was afraid there might be people he knew there...I engaged in this craziness for close to two years before I finally said "screw it, I'm out'a here". Just letting you know how long stuff like this can go on.

 

[eliza]

Just thinking about the title of this thread and where it's gone, I wanted to add another post of input, so many years later after the breakup with my vym in 2003.

Historically here at ageless, the abbreviation "VYM" has meant "Very Young Man" between the ages of 18-21. The distinction was first made primarily because many OW here saw/felt there was a unique set of components that may influence an AGR with a vym: in general.... their very young age, their possible lack of maturity and/or adult life experiences, hormonal/sexual fervency, and the fact that a relationship with an OW may be their FIRST EVER adult relationship in some cases.

After my own vym/ow relationship imploded, and as I watched countless other vym/ow couplings here at ageless implode as well, I had a lot of time for introspection -and the wisdom of hindsight- to teach me what I needed to learn. From that, I'd like to post a list here of, what I think, are the Cardinal Rules of giving an agr with a vym the best chance of survival. Obviously, nothing is set in stone, and no two people are alike. Some VYM may be ready at 18 or 19 to decide on (and stay with ) a life partner...many are not. But, it seems that the track record of a viable long term relationship, here at ageless at least, is enhanced when most items on the list below are present:

1. The VYM does not still live at home with his parents (whether he's on his own, with roomates, in college housing, etc....but he has a life and identity separate from being under his parent's rule)

2. The VYM has a tenacious spirit of independence...he doesn't care about others' judgments of him, and is not swayed by opinions of friends and family in personal issues of lifestyle and healthy choices (this does NOT mean that he doesn't listen to guidance and loving input from important people in his life; it just means that HE makes the final decisions about his future)

3. The VYM is able to support himself (student loans count in this equation, if he is in school)...just that he doesn't rely on his parents for all/most of his financial support for basic living or college expenses (this can be used against him as a bargaining chip if the parents disagree with any of his choices in life).

4. The VYM has had a previous adult relationship with someone 18 or older

5. The VYM is willing (and excited) to be openly public about a relationship
with you, and will stand up for it against all scrutiny from anyone
important in his life. (this reflects back to him having a tenacious
independence)

6. The VYM has a strong sense of personal integrity in that he presses on in his goals and ambitions that were in place before he met you (finish his degree, move up in his career, foster great friendships with the good people in his life before he met you, etc.). It can be a red flag if a VYM wants to give up everything to be with you...his education, his friends, his life goals, his family, his hometown,etc. THAT is a big burden for the OW, who theoretically, now must be his "everything". That scenario can foster resentment in one or both people a few years down the road.

VYM, by the nature of their younger age, may more likely be influenced by factors that promote impulsive decisions. That is why the best advice here, and FOR ANY RELATIONSHIP really, is to GO SLOWLY. Take your time, don't rush to move him into your home, or across the ocean...get to know each other for a couple of years and make sure you are BOTH autonomous, strong individuals first before entangling your lives in ways that are hard to untangle.

No OW I know of here or in real life has ever benefited in the long run by being a vym's sole financial provider (even though you "love him" and just want things to be easier for him),his only social connection (he's turned his back on all friends and family to be with you, and is not making new ones), the director of his life. Very young people of both sexes need to stretch their OWN wings first before they can be good partners for someone else. If, as an OW, you allow that to happen, the outcome can be very good.

...my updated 2 cents:yes:

Really good, think I'll paste this somewhere where I can refer to it from time to time.

 

[eliza]

David still lived at home, had never had a "real" relationship, worked part time in a grocery store, was scared to death, as was I. After all, he did give up his whole life, and move across the country to be with me. Other than the fact that he's naturally a pretty strong person, he didn't meet any of the "rules" above.

We're also at 7 1/2 years now. He's a good man. I'm glad I didn't have to follow rules like those above, or I'd have lost out on so much love and caring.

The "cardinal rules" are more for the people in relationships that the younger partner HASN'T totally acheived all the above. Most of us don't. And yes it's judgemental. Quite.

People are human, real, messy, unsettled. With a vym you have to ride the ride with them. Not mommy and take care of, but be along for the ride.

Other's personal life rules, and opinions are just that. Your mileage may vary.

What I love about this site is the diversity of experiences. It really lends to a very broad base that says what works best for one may not apply to another.

 

[eliza]

Brouhaha, yeah I got that from previous threads that I read when I first signed up in June. Honestly I never understood it. Personally, a very young person has always been someone that has not reached 25 but I can see that other people would have a different perspective of what a very young adult would be.

I shall continue to tease Clint. :tongue2:



Um, not me. Before we met Clint had moved out with a friend but his friend joined the Army and plans changed. So he ended up living at home but paying half the rent and part of the utilities and any personal bills that he had. He insisted.

So though, he doesnt meet the above list or my list for that matter when it came to living on his own, he ended falling under "those that leave but come back home" category.

I understand that there is A LOT of Genreation Y's living at home because they cant make it on there own, though personally, I remember moving out and living in a small studio apartment with no perks when I was 18 but they all seem to not want to sacrifice for independence. it's easier to not give up your cellphone and not have to live within your means if mom and dad are taking care of all of the essentials. Whatever happened to struggling for what you want? lol ok I sound like my grandma. (two young siblings at home ages 20 and 25)

The thing that made it "ok" to overlook Clint moving back home was that he didnt become "the kid" again when he moved back in. He became the roommate and pulled his own weight financially and I respected that and because of that he came and went as he liked and was independent and his mother saw him as an adult being capable of making his own choices and decisions. He didnt act like a child so he was treated as an adult. I thinkt that some parents out there who have a problem with their sons dating older women is because at HOME, away from their older partner, they are still acting like their pain in the butt snot nose kid. They cant even foster the idea of their kid acting like an adult ready for an adult relationship, especially when mom is still washing his clothes and telling him to clean his room because otherwise he would be walking around in dirty clothes and living in a dump. He might act like he's a grown got it together adult when he's with their partner but not at home. So I guess that is why sometimes, when I read threads with VYM and parental issues I can see where the parents might be coming from. Sometimes parents are seeing a whole different side of Junior that Junior isnt showing to his love, and his love doesnt realize it until they move in and suddenly lovey isnt helping wash the dishes, doesnt take out the trash, doesnt contribute at home like you expect a partner to do and then the problems start.

So ............even with that variation, of Clint moving back home, I feel that Clint meets 1-6 of that list.

I also agree with not becoming the younger partners WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD. That to me isnt ever healthy, and smacks of control for an insecure older partnerl. Of course you can say we are with each other and we dont need anyone else because we LOVE each other but really how is that love ever tested if no outside factors are allowed? If that young person cant socialize with people their own age and experience new things? It's scary to think of a younger partner growing and changing and experiencing new factors or friends that might influence them away from us but it's a healthy thing to do for a person's own individual growth and if you love them you would allow that growth and change to happen.

More important than our relationship, is the ability for him and I to continue to grow and change. Only then, do I feel that he and I can bring the very best of who we are to our relationship.

I also agree that "mothering" a younger partner is so very bad. When I started dating Clint he was 20 and I told him, "if youre looking for a mother figure you are so out of luck. Im not going to mother you, Im not going to excuse bad behavior or lack of maturity because of your age. If you want to be with a fully grown woman, you will have to be a fully grown man anything else and this isnt going to work and I will walk away."

That was a hard thing to tell him but he understood why I said it and he has shown me over the years that he was up for it. In fact, he's a bossy, opinionated, I know whats right, I do what I want, I love you but you cant tell me what to do, I can accomplish anything that I want type of person.

and I love that about him.

Bingo about how parents are more likely to disagree with the age-gap relationship if their son is quite immature at home. I think this is the biggest reason the parents of my ym were opposed to my relationship with their son, but it's only recently become apparent to me, more so when I read this posting. It makes me feel better reading what you wrote, because I don't take it so personally now.

 

[eliza]

I see that I have monopolized that last two pages...I am trying to figure out how to quote without posting the entire post of the person I'm trying to quote, lol. Anyway, I love this group, I love you all! You're all GREAT!!!

 

[Angel]

I agree completely Angel. I'd add one more thing to that though. Not everyone ages the same or experiences their "twenties" the same.

Without a doubt! I didn't mean to say what the 20's should look like, just that they should be free to experience them, however it looks, and not be required to be on the same page as the older partner (and vice versa).

What I enjoy at 38 I don't expect my nearly 24 year old husband to enjoy and vice versa. If I could describe us I'd say we are like a book. He is one page and I the other and we are bound together in the center (the center of us!). There is no desire to monopolize the other's page, and we respect that the content of the page can be completely different from our own yet combined there is still a better story written together then would be written if we were apart. I would say our pages should contain things that keep us glued to the binding and don't focus on our spouse, children, pets, etc., but on 'us' as individuals.

Anyway, analogy aside, for so long I kept trying to make everything match between us to ensure the "validity of us" (for lack of a better word). Now I find the fact we can be so compatible in spite of our different stages very comforting. It has allowed me to love in a deeper and less expecting way and I can only hope that we both have the endurance to keep that going for the rest of our lives. It is funny that a relationship and marriage, something meant to cause an exclusivity really has taught me to not want to possess the other but find a way to sort of carry on side by side hoping the other will respect your limits by choice and not by force.

Almost 6 years and counting...

 

[Ellethe]

Wow really beautiful analogy Ang!

 

[eliza]

I agree, that was a beautiful analogy....I have one thing I want to add--I'm sure it's been said on here before, but does anyone notice the inherent sexism that has prompted us women to join a site like this? I'm talking about the sexism that makes it fine for there to be a age gap if the man is older versus the woman. People may say, "oh no, we get it too" (eg flack if the guy's older) but I don't buy it. In the quest for equality women may be speaking up more and saying, "tut tut, look at that young woman marrying an older man", but really, what it's about is that society has a grande fit when they see an older woman/younger man couple. My rant for the day. Now back to my studies (this is infinitely more fun than studying)

 

[misskrm]

Hi Eliza,

I have a perfect example of this. One of my male friends is in a relationship with a woman who is 19, he is 33. Same age gap as Zac and I. When I told my mum, she was like "oh that's awesome, good on him etc etc" She was much less enthusiastic when she was told about Zac and I. I called her on it, and she said and I quote "it's completely different" I laughed at her small minded theory. Lucky she has come around now, and can see how blissfully happy I am in this relationship.
Still, society sees this as a normal thought. My mind boggles.

 

[eliza]

Happy for you about your relationship, Misskrm...you and your man have that glowy look of love! That's exactly what I was talking about. It'll take a while, but I think it's awesome that more women are not denying their feelings for a guy just because he's not their age or older. I've been reading Germaine Greer on the older woman and aging---there is alot of sociological context to the discrimination women face in age-gap relationships. The important thing is that we realize the heart of it each time we see it, that it reflects a sexist' bias. I'm glad yr mom came around.

 

[Jet Nebula]

An old boss of mine pulled me into his office one day for a lecture about safety because he felt I wasn't being safe enough. I didn't agree with him,but he said something to me that stuck.

"You have to know what you're getting into."

I know that it's next to impossible to be prepared for everything because life is so random. But you need to have a rough idea about what you might be getting into when it comes to an age-gap relationship. I didn't have a clue and I'm learning as I go. There's going to be some tough choices and a few storms to navigate through. Just remember to focus on what's most important to you, not someone else.

 

[Sissy9027]

Guilty as Charged...

I'm new here and this thing isnt letting my 2 cents in, but so far reading down this page, I am guilty of all these wrong types of thinking....

 

[sharon1963]

Live, Learn, but most of all...Be Happy

Hi. Still very new here and just learning the ropes. I introduced myself and my live-in boyfriend in the introductory thread. I will be 53 next month and he is 18. He's been living in my home for about the last four months. Many of the VYM posts I've read suggest I've been making some mistakes along the way. For example, I have kind of taken over where his parents left off on finances.

When Derrick told his parents about us, they basically disowned him and cut him off. They told him that if he was going to have a relationship with a grown-up then they would treat him like a grown up and cut off all support.

I don't think of it as supporting him, but I do think of it as helping him get on his feet. He's not lazy. He is just unprepared to take on all the responsibilities at once. He attends college and has a part time job. As for me, I'm established in my career and doing well financially. When I think about myself, I realize I had the benefit of easing into adulthood rather than having it dumped on my lap all at once. So, I'm just trying to do the same with him. A lot of responsibility all at once is overwhelming.

I don't say this to start an argument with anyone who has "been there and done that" with a VYM before me. I just say it to explain where I'm at.

I realized that he and I are in different stages of our lives. But I don't think we can live these stages separately and be in a committed relationship at the same time and we are definitely in a committed relationship, which sometimes boggles my mind.

Our relationship is very public and not a secret. I have introduced him to my co-workers and friends as my boyfriend and he has done the same with me. The introductions haven't always been easy, but I'm relieved when we get them behind us. I think that part is easier for him than it is for me, because his friends actually think it's "cool" that we're a couple. I wouldn't say my friends think it's cool, but they do know that he makes me happier than I've ever been in my life.

To be perfectly honest, I think I'm at a disadvantage because I've never had children. It's not that I didn't want a husband and a family, but I was one of those women who always put my career first and the rest of what I wanted never had a chance to catch up to me. So maybe I am doing too much for him. I don't know.

At the same time, I think it must be challenging for him when I try to look at our relationship from his perspective.

 

[LunaLove]

Hi. Still very new here and just learning the ropes. I introduced myself and my live-in boyfriend in the introductory thread. I will be 53 next month and he is 18. He's been living in my home for about the last four months. Many of the VYM posts I've read suggest I've been making some mistakes along the way. For example, I have kind of taken over where his parents left off on finances.

When Derrick told his parents about us, they basically disowned him and cut him off. They told him that if he was going to have a relationship with a grown-up then they would treat him like a grown up and cut off all support.

I don't think of it as supporting him, but I do think of it as helping him get on his feet. He's not lazy. He is just unprepared to take on all the responsibilities at once. He attends college and has a part time job. As for me, I'm established in my career and doing well financially. When I think about myself, I realize I had the benefit of easing into adulthood rather than having it dumped on my lap all at once. So, I'm just trying to do the same with him. A lot of responsibility all at once is overwhelming.

I don't say this to start an argument with anyone who has "been there and done that" with a VYM before me. I just say it to explain where I'm at.

I realized that he and I are in different stages of our lives. But I don't think we can live these stages separately and be in a committed relationship at the same time and we are definitely in a committed relationship, which sometimes boggles my mind.

Our relationship is very public and not a secret. I have introduced him to my co-workers and friends as my boyfriend and he has done the same with me. The introductions haven't always been easy, but I'm relieved when we get them behind us. I think that part is easier for him than it is for me, because his friends actually think it's "cool" that we're a couple. I wouldn't say my friends think it's cool, but they do know that he makes me happier than I've ever been in my life.

To be perfectly honest, I think I'm at a disadvantage because I've never had children. It's not that I didn't want a husband and a family, but I was one of those women who always put my career first and the rest of what I wanted never had a chance to catch up to me. So maybe I am doing too much for him. I don't know.

At the same time, I think it must be challenging for him when I try to look at our relationship from his perspective.

Hi Sharon,

I too am 53 and never had children. I just married my 24 year old boyfriend last month.

I know the feelings you are going through quite well. I've been close with my now husband for almost 7 years. It became a romance about 3 years ago. His parents also reacted badly and emotionally abused him over it. (they weren't supporting him though so didn't have that to use against him) He was in college at the time so he just stopped sharing anything with them. Then when he graduated in December he moved to my state and in with me (I'm on the west coast and he was in the mid-west). And at that time he cut off contact with his parents, although he does have some light contact with his favorite aunt.

I did help to support his food budget when he was in school as I couldn't stand him eating the junk he was eating. And currently I'm supporting us both as he doesn't want to move from our home here which is rather rural so he's having some difficultly finding a close enough job in his field of engineering.

I also supported him in other ways, buying him games, supplies, etc. He never asked for help though and I decided in my own head that I'd never hold my gifts over his head, no matter what happened between us. I feel this is important. If it's your money, and you are enjoying this time with him, then use your money however you'd like, including helping him. But just don't plan that somehow you'll be paid back. Maybe you will, but you just can't expect it.

My husband also has been a bit unprepared for the "world". He was rather sheltered by very controlling parents his whole life so he's just now learning to be an adult. I'm doing my best to help him get over his fears and helping him learn to be responsible slowly and gently. I've been the responsible person my whole life, from the time my father died when I was 12, through my long previous marriage. So I'm good to keep dealing with that role as long as needed.

I do also worry that I'm doing too much. However, I have seen some amazing progress on his part over the last couple of years. He's becoming much more confident and taking on some responsibilities without even being asked. And I know those things are due to his relationship with me, and that makes me very happy. If our relationship lasts for a long while, and honestly I think it might, then I don't want to leave him unprepared to face life without me. I want him to always think of our time together as having been good for him, and I'd love if he went on to have other good relationships later. He will have much less chance at that life if I don't encourage his personal growth now, rather than just do everything myself.

Overall, I just want to enjoy our "now". Let the future hold whatever it may. But the now is the best of my life and I refuse to let future worries put clouds over that.

 

[sharon1963]

I think you really do understand

Hi Luna,
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences. I was hoping I would get the chance to communicate with other women in my situation who have been there and done that. I'm at the happiest point in my life right now, but it also feels lonely because of the taboo nature of the age gap. I also want to congratulate on your marriage and say that I'm envious. Not that Derrick hasn't asked me to marry him, but I want him to be prepared in all aspects if that day comes. And right now, he is not as ready as he needs to be.

Thank you for telling me that you've never had children. I think that is where I feel some confusion. I have helped out friends before, but I've never helped out a lover to this degree. I know that I'm doing things for him that his parents used to do for him. I also know these are the things my friends with children do. And I'm talking about preparing a younger person for adulthood. But I'm also talking about doing things that let him be his age at the same time. You mentioned doing the same things when you said you buy your husband games. I'm just saying I don't expect Derrick to act my age when he's only 18.

This isn't a "money thing" to me. And as you were saying, I do not expect to be paid back. I'm not giving him a loan. I'm making an investment in him as a person. I would be lying if I didn't say that I hope that my investment will pay off in a wonderful relationship that includes the two of us, but I'm willing to go where life takes us, even if it is in separate directions. But I do see marriage in our future, and if that is to be, I will need him to be prepared to handle it in our later years. He says he can and he will. I just want to give him the tools to make it feasible, and a college education and a good job is a great start.

It pains me that he has lost his relationship with his parents and I hope that some day soon they will come around to the idea of us as a couple. The problem has more to do with his mother than it does with his father, but he supports her feelings. I just wish I could get her to understand that I'm with him because I love him and not because I'm trying to take advantage of him. He makes me happy and I want to make him happy and I think I'm doing a good job at that. And like I was saying, I'm doing my best to get him to the point where he can stand on his own two feet without their help and my help.

I hope I don't come off sounding like a martyr who is pouring my life and soul and money into him without getting anything in return, because our relationship is not one-sided when you take money out of the equation. I'm 53 years old and I have never felt so loved and respected in my life and it's a great feeling. I've said it before, but I've never been happier in my life, both emotionally and sexually. I'm so glad it's Friday. The weekends mean so much more to me now that he's a part of my life.

Thanks again, Luna.

 

[sharon1963]

I think my boyfriend is smoking

I am so upset and depressed right now. Last night after work, I decided to put away the winter coats while Derrick was visiting a friend. I was going through the pockets of his coat, looking for anything he might need, when I found a pack of my Virginia Slims and a lighter. I use a cigarette case, so I always take the tops off my packs. The pack in his coat was opened the regular way, so I know he stole it from my carton and I'm sure he's experimenting with cigarettes!!! I stopped what I was doing and left everything the way I found them.

I hardly said two words to him when he got back home. He knew I was mad, but I wasn't ready to confront him because I was afraid of saying something I would regret. Now that I've slept on it, I'm still afraid of saying the wrong thing. I don't want him to smoke, but I don't want to embarrass him by treating him like a kid.

My thoughts are scattered, because I never prepared for this, because I never saw it coming. Derrick knows I won't allow him to drink until he turns 21. Yes, I drink but I'm an adult woman and the law is the law and I'm not going to let myself get arrested for providing alcohol to a minor. I can't use the same argument about smoking, because at 18, he is legally able to buy cigarettes. The reason I never said anything about him not smoking is because I thought he was too smart to start, and I was clearly wrong.

I just don't know what to do.

 

[Ellethe]

You care? Stop smoking.