Venting

[littleowl]

Hi Everyone!

I don't think I have ever posted a main thread here!

Anyway, I have been having a casual sexual relationship, though some of you out there would not consider this a relationship, with a guy who is 21. I am 40. This started about 14 months ago when I was 38 and he 20. Knowing him is what brought me to this website.

Anyway, this evening I have been thinking about him and how I am trying to make an honest woman out of myself. I left him a message that said our relationship would have to either proceed to the next level or we should call it quits. I had never felt this way before. Then I called and renegged on that deal!

I do not know what my problem is this evening but I cannot get anything done! I need to put out the trash for the garbageman tomorrow, but I cannot get off my butt! I need to do laundry and dishes and get ready for work tomorrow but I keep obsessing about this.

This is really not like me. I think what the problem is, is that I am depressed.

Well, I will let you know what happens! lol.

Thanks for the space to let me vent about this. I don't know what else to say about it but I hope I can try to get some work done now.

Thanks for listening!

littleowl

 

[whiterose]

You vent all you like. We all go through times when we are confused about where we are going in a relationship. Maybe you are right. Maybe you are depressed. But, is it possible that you also need more than what you are getting from this relationship? Maybe you are lacking some emotionaly intimacy that you are not receiving by having a sex only relationship with him?

 

[GoldieCat]

why do you want to take it to a step where one or both of you will feel committed and risk spoiling it all ?

Errr? Some of us don't see commitment as a spoiler...

I do agree though that relationships don't *have* to be labeled. But...sometimes people ask others to do or be something that may not have anything to do with the actual relationship but with their personal emotional needs. Some people think that a "couple" (I use the term loosely here) has to either go to the "next level" or end, regardless of whether going forward is really called for. If there is a next level, it should be a logical, organic step that both people feel is right, both are making it clear that they want that. It does not work for one party to inform the other that things need to move up. A relationship is about *feelings* on both sides, not about whether things fit some predetermined timeline.

Sounds to me like this is a case where 2 ships are passing in the night, where there really isn't a relationship - as in, the people involved are not defining what they're doing as a team, they are still fundamentally separate. In other words, I don't get the feeling that the "move up" idea is mutual.

Littleowl, it may well be that this guy is not going to offer you much more. If you need to make a change (either way) to get him to at least think about other possibilities, then maybe at least you will get some kind of answer. Maybe you are depressed, but - it may only be very temporary. Sounds like you are in a "wait and see" spot at the moment. Best wishes!

 

[DaBollocks]

Quote: I left him a message that said our relationship would have to either proceed to the next level or we should call it quits. I had never felt this way before. Then I called and renegged on that deal! Nope, can't take it back! It's already out there!! This might chase him away!!?

 

[yellowrose]

What you needed when you started the relationship has changed. Those needs were met or are no longer there. That is life. Most relationships/people are not stagnant, they either wither or grow over time.

Can you dig deeper and express what you are depressed about? Have you really grown to love THIS guy OR is that you are wanting something more or different in life now?

When I feel unsettled like you expressed, it is usually because deep down, I have a hurt that I am not accessing and dealing with. Silly as it sounds, watching a sad movie puts me in touch with feeling pain, which then puts me in touch with MY PAIN.

Just some thoughts... and kudos on your first thread! See that wasn't so bad, was it?

 

[GoldieCat]

When both sides are not ready, yes wishing or demanding a commitment is a spoiler. Many people complain about being alone, stick to a certain idea, then they find themselves in their 70-s and regret not having enjoyed the fun and attention when it was there. Just the way I see things, doesn't mean I'm right. I don't have 'councellor' written on my door neither do any of us here.

Well sure Loucine...I guess my view is that if the attachment to someone is one-sided or forced, then it isn't a commitment in my mind. A commitment is mutual, when you're talking about a relationship. At least it should be. Otherwise it's just an obligation or a burden. One of my points in splitting this hair is, some people have a fear of "commitment" which is actually more of a fear of making a wrong choice. I would never be an advocate of anyone making a "commitment" when one party is not ready.

 

[Bella_D]

Littleowl, I would feel depressed too if my lover of 14 months was not someone who is committed to me.....that sort of arrangment doesn't work for me at all. I dunno, it kind of feels like the ultimate rejection when the person who is closest to you and who is your lover doesn't like you enough to want to be your partner. Thats how I feel, anyway, and I would be in pain in your situation. I think you did the right thing finally confornting him about his intentions for the relationship, but unfortuneately I would be surprised if he would be willing at this late stage to become committed to you when he hasn't mentioned it previously. But good luck all the same.....I hope this turns out well for you

 

[jellybean400]

Well, this is the same thing that i've just gone thru.

Two years into a "casual" relationship, and i fell in love with him (YM). (I cant believe it took me that long!)

We talked, and he didnt want more, letting me know that "only the fact that he wants kids" is whats stopping him. Although i'm not sure that's the ONLY thing...i do know he cares about me, but i dont think hes in love with me. So, i ended it, before i ended up suffering more.

Only you as a person know what you need most. I miss him so much. I'm not sure i'm strong enough not to "give in" again. He's still in touch with me...but i'm trying very hard to stick to my guns. I miss everything about him right now.

We have to make the best decision we can at the time. I trust myself in knowing that i had to do it. I really believe it will NEVER be more than it is now, and i dont think i can risk putting more of my heart into it.

Edited to add: sorry to those of you who have had to read my story 100 times! i'm not sure if the OP knew it...

 

[littleowl]

Thanks

Thank you for all of the wonderful posts. I will come back and read them again when I have more time.

Anyway, the latest is that he said to me that he can't do everything I want or there is no room for surprises.

I will take that as a good sign and continue to enjoy the pleasure of his company.

Have a great weekend!!!

 

[irparis]

Wow, what a great response to pacify you.

What exactly did you interpret that to mean?

I will take that as a good sign and continue to enjoy the pleasure of his company.

Great response by the way...he's won a reprieve by not having to immediately definine your relationship. All by making you feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Paris

 

[kathyw]

Wow, what a great response to pacify you.

What exactly did you interpret that to mean?



Great response by the way...he's won a reprieve by not having to immediately definine your relationship. All by making you feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Paris

....I agree....that's all I have.

 

[littleowl]

Thanks.

You vent all you like. We all go through times when we are confused about where we are going in a relationship. Maybe you are right. Maybe you are depressed. But, is it possible that you also need more than what you are getting from this relationship? Maybe you are lacking some emotionaly intimacy that you are not receiving by having a sex only relationship with him?

I think what I am missing is him being emotionally intimate with me. He always is able to give me a warm and fuzzy feeling about things. Telling me he likes how I look. "Don't worry, we'll see each other soon." if we're so busy. Regarding my disaster of a messy room "I like this room." He doesn't share his feelings with me though, but I was thinking that it was because he is a Scorpio Male. ???

 

[littleowl]

Thanks

If you want to take it to the next step it means that you have feelings for this guy. If you have feelings it means that the sex is not casual but satisfying. Why do relationships have to be labelled as 'steady' or' marital' ? Why can't you just enjoy the closeness with this young man and just leave it at that. If you have mutual respect and enjoy a friendship as well as sex, why do you want to take it to a step where one or both of you will feel committed and risk spoiling it all ? Give it time, don't rush, enjoy !

These are some great thoughts, Loucine. It is very satisfying for me. I will definitely enjoy this more without thinking there has to be a label.

 

[littleowl]

Thanks

Sounds to me like this is a case where 2 ships are passing in the night, where there really isn't a relationship - as in, the people involved are not defining what they're doing as a team, they are still fundamentally separate. In other words, I don't get the feeling that the "move up" idea is mutual.

Littleowl, it may well be that this guy is not going to offer you much more. If you need to make a change (either way) to get him to at least think about other possibilities, then maybe at least you will get some kind of answer. Maybe you are depressed, but - it may only be very temporary. Sounds like you are in a "wait and see" spot at the moment. Best wishes!

Could be, GoldieCat. We are definitely fundamentally seperate at this point in time.

 

[littleowl]

Thanks

Quote: I left him a message that said our relationship would have to either proceed to the next level or we should call it quits. I had never felt this way before. Then I called and renegged on that deal! Nope, can't take it back! It's already out there!! This might chase him away!!?

Yes, that could happen. My latest post on this issue I state as positive because I had not chased him away.

 

[littleowl]

Thanks

Can you dig deeper and express what you are depressed about? Have you really grown to love THIS guy OR is that you are wanting something more or different in life now?

When I feel unsettled like you expressed, it is usually because deep down, I have a hurt that I am not accessing and dealing with. Silly as it sounds, watching a sad movie puts me in touch with feeling pain, which then puts me in touch with MY PAIN.

These are some good questions, yellowrose. I guess this evening I am also kind of depressed, though actually I had a really great day. Once again I do not feel like doing chores etc., but I guess that could appear to be somewhat normal.

I have definitely grown to love THIS guy.

However, I do know that the clock has been ticking for me for many years now and it would be nice to have another child. I do have 2 lovely children and am very thankful. I do not want to have children or marry ANYONE, I just think about this issue as many 'older women' do.

You are right about the hurt. It is evenings like tonight, and I guess it must have been last weekend as well, that I feel lonely. I certainly do not want to come off as lonely and desperate.

 

[littleowl]

Thanks

Littleowl, I would feel depressed too if my lover of 14 months was not someone who is committed to me.....that sort of arrangment doesn't work for me at all. I dunno, it kind of feels like the ultimate rejection when the person who is closest to you and who is your lover doesn't like you enough to want to be your partner. Thats how I feel, anyway, and I would be in pain in your situation. I think you did the right thing finally confornting him about his intentions for the relationship, but unfortuneately I would be surprised if he would be willing at this late stage to become committed to you when he hasn't mentioned it previously. But good luck all the same.....I hope this turns out well for you

Hi Bella D

You are right, it is disappointing that he isn't rushing into haveing a serious relationship with me.

After my divorce, I did make a promise to myself to follow some advice that I read. Do not get into a serious relationship with someone until after you have know them for 2 years. Therefore, I am patient to wait at least another 10 months to see what happens. Thanks for your good wishes.

 

[littleowl]

Thanks

Well, this is the same thing that i've just gone thru.

Two years into a "casual" relationship, and i fell in love with him (YM). (I cant believe it took me that long!)

We talked, and he didnt want more, letting me know that "only the fact that he wants kids" is whats stopping him. Although i'm not sure that's the ONLY thing...i do know he cares about me, but i dont think hes in love with me. So, i ended it, before i ended up suffering more.

Only you as a person know what you need most. I miss him so much. I'm not sure i'm strong enough not to "give in" again. He's still in touch with me...but i'm trying very hard to stick to my guns. I miss everything about him right now.

We have to make the best decision we can at the time. I trust myself in knowing that i had to do it. I really believe it will NEVER be more than it is now, and i dont think i can risk putting more of my heart into it.

Edited to add: sorry to those of you who have had to read my story 100 times! i'm not sure if the OP knew it...

Good luck with everything Jellybean.

 

[littleowl]

Thanks

Wow, what a great response to pacify you.

What exactly did you interpret that to mean?

Great response by the way...he's won a reprieve by not having to immediately definine your relationship. All by making you feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Paris

I have no idea but just the fact that he says stuff like that and teases me makes him very attractive to me.

First of all, he does not do hardly ANYTHING I want, much less everything! HAHA

I can take it positively and be happy that he wants to surprise me, or say that he wants to surprise me, so that I will still be attracted to him.

Or I can take it negatively thiking he still wants his own way for the booty call.

In any case, I have been in enough relationships to know that even though I would be in a relationship, I would be lonely sometimes.

He IS pretty slick though. LOL

 

[bubbleee]

However, I do know that the clock has been ticking for me for many years now and it would be nice to have another child. I do have 2 lovely children and am very thankful. I do not want to have children or marry ANYONE, I just think about this issue as many 'older women' do.

You are right about the hurt. It is evenings like tonight, and I guess it must have been last weekend as well, that I feel lonely. I certainly do not want to come off as lonely and desperate.

Littleowl,

If you do feel the clock ticking, then what concerns me is that this guy is diverting your attention from finding someone who wants to make a commitment to you and have children, etc. That is not in your best interest at all.

The situation is not unlike that of married man who tells his girlfriend that he's going to leave his wife for her....the girlfriend kind of sticks around and waits and nothing much happens except time passes by. Some men are just not available for various reasons, and we women just make the choice of letting them continue on that way because we are afraid to do otherwise.

Women have a bad habit of putting themselves somewhere behind the men, the kids, the parents, what have you. If you want more from this guy, ask for it. And if he can't give it to you, then he isn't right for you anyway.

Good luck, dear heart.