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well, the ex is coming back into my life..

orillia

New member
So, I think I told you guys, I made an effort to reach out to my ex and he ignored me. Well, turns out, he had set up a folder where all my email was going. So he didn't sev any of it.

I know this, because my housemate invited him to a party we're having for a mutual friend Saturday night. And my ex wrote me to see if it was ok if he came.

So, we had a long long chat, from midnight til 2am. Reminded me of the chats we used to have. He did flirt with me some in the chat, but..I'm afraid. I know I can't let that familiarity lull me into thinking, I could get back with him, or even worse, have sex with him w/out a commitment. Ugh last thing I want is that, going back to where you once vomited, as a co-worker once put it, and resorting to ex sex cuz you're lonely.

What makes this more complicated is that I've gotten close to the mutual friend who we're hosting the party for. I think he's hoping somvthing wiill happen btwn us (he's a younger guy too), and it kind of disappointed my ex is coming. I find all that totally ironic cuz, the whole reason I was trying to make amends and be cool w my ex is cuz i thought the friend wanted him to be at the party.

Anyway, my ex invited me to lunch Saturday. I'm trying to not make anything of it.

It sounds like he's been a hermit this whole time we've been broken up...not sleeping well..didn't sound like he was doing well at all, frankly.
 

Azureth

Banned
Well, you should do what feels best. But considering he is so immature to put the partying over an awesome beautiful woman I'd be verrrrry cautious.
 

walkersam

New member
Orillia, if you like the friend and are hoping for something to happen with him, how is going to lunch with the ex going to help you? You may just blow things with the friend if he thinks you are still interested in the ex. just a thought.
 

orillia

New member
Honestly, I don't think I want either of them. I think I may be done with younger men. I mean, the most I could hope for either is probably a hook up.

The friend is a PhD candidate at a university a 2 hr flight away and is proabbly gonna move to another country, once his dissertation is complete. And he wants a chick he can do the family/kids thing with. I know this, cuz he and I discuss dating, and what we want, a lot.

Apparently, the ex has NOT been partying. He says he goes to work and then goes home. I..don't get it. Cuz, one of the reasons he broke up w me was his "social life", now he's questioning whether any of those friends were any good.

Orillia, if you like the friend and are hoping for something to happen with him, how is going to lunch with the ex going to help you? You may just blow things with the friend if he thinks you are still interested in the ex. just a thought.
 

Azureth

Banned
Honestly, I don't think I want either of them. I think I may be done with younger men. I mean, the most I could hope for either is probably a hook up.

The friend is a PhD candidate at a university a 2 hr flight away and is proabbly gonna move to another country, once his dissertation is complete. And he wants a chick he can do the family/kids thing with. I know this, cuz he and I discuss dating, and what we want, a lot.

Apparently, the ex has NOT been partying. He says he goes to work and then goes home. I..don't get it. Cuz, one of the reasons he broke up w me was his "social life", now he's questioning whether any of those friends were any good.
Well, that's his problem. He was with you once and blew it, now maybe he will appreciate the next woman he meets (rather older or younger) and not do that. But since he did this to you he has to face the consequences. He hasn't done anything to deserve another chance, and chances are he could very well fall back to his old ways, a risk I don't think is worth taking.

You are a great woman orilla, now you just need to find a good man that doesn't do any of that crap in the first place :yes:
 

walkersam

New member
Azureth, one thing you will learn as you get older is if we only gave second chances to people who deserve them probably none of us would ever get one. Nothing is ever black or white, most things are grey.

Orillia, I learned alot when my bf and I were having problems and one thing I did learn is that it may not even be about going out and partying but just feeling like he could if he wanted. I really have learned an important lesson on giving him the space he needs. Several of the people on here also helped me with that. The best I remember he wanted to be able to go out with friends etc, didn't want you planning his weekends right?

If you feel like you are ready to be done then by all means just be done with him but if by some chance you think there might be something you want to salvage then I think it may be a chance you have to take. Things could be better or things may be just awkward who knows?
 

SheLikesKitties

OW/YM 21YR GAP
He was with you once and blew it, now maybe he will appreciate the next woman he meets
That is exactly the way I see things.
And on that line of thought... why not be the next woman he meets? :D

I mean you spend months/years educating a man about the proper way to treat a woman and/or maintain a relationship and heck no, I wont let a "next woman" benefit from all that hard work. (The same can be said about us women, we learn from our partners and our mistakes).

Orillia, wait and see how things play out. Maybe he will show improvement.
 

MissMuffins

New member
orillia,

I think it shows much healing on your part that you are approaching this situation with caution. It's flattering to be found attractive, flattery is a powerful thing, and it's even more powerful when one finds that attraction in an intellectual equal. However, one does not have to act on that attraction.

You have a pretty good idea what you'd be setting yourself up for, should you become involved with the "interested" friend. You know what you'd be in store for, should you reconcile with your ex. I think you're wise to remain friends with the interested friend, and equally wise to proceed very slowly and cautiously with your ex.

I think he's BSing you about the email, and I think that's a chicken-**** thing to do. He either needs to admit that he got it and ignored it, sent it to spam, whatever.

I'm not saying that I think you should confront him over it; I just think it's one of those things to watch, as you move forward. Kind of a "give him enough rope, and he'll hang himself" thing.

MM
 

orillia

New member
I know, I know. I keep thinking of the advice people gave me on here.

I'm thinking, it's possible he felt threatened by the potential loss of his friends, but it sounds like now, he is realizing they might not have been such good friends to begin with.

I know my friends would think I'm crazy to give him another chance if he asked for it. Dang, I don't even know if he will ask. He was kind of flirty with me in our chat last night but maybe he just wants sex?

Also, the advice people gave me about his ADHD. He told me he is off his ADHD medication..he had such awful side effects.

I don't know.. I don't know...I'm confused. I know what you mean about 2nd chances. How do you do that, when you feel scared that person will just leave again? trust is an issue. I don't even know if he wants that. I'm just going to see how it goes. I'll report back.

Azureth, one thing you will learn as you get older is if we only gave second chances to people who deserve them probably none of us would ever get one. Nothing is ever black or white, most things are grey.

Orillia, I learned alot when my bf and I were having problems and one thing I did learn is that it may not even be about going out and partying but just feeling like he could if he wanted. I really have learned an important lesson on giving him the space he needs. Several of the people on here also helped me with that. The best I remember he wanted to be able to go out with friends etc, didn't want you planning his weekends right?

If you feel like you are ready to be done then by all means just be done with him but if by some chance you think there might be something you want to salvage then I think it may be a chance you have to take. Things could be better or things may be just awkward who knows?
 

orillia

New member
Yeah, I know..I had texted him at one point. a month ago, and actually *mentioned* my email. So he's probably being disingenous.

He's very prideful. ..even if he feels he made a mistake, it would be hard for him to show it. He'd probably just keep flirting with me to try to get something going.

Last night, he said this one thing that got my attention, but I didn't follow up. He used to jokingly dismiss me by saying "not now, woman", esp if I was getting lovey dovey or romantic.. Last night we had this exchange:

Him: Not now, woman.
me: if not now, when?
hrmm.
Him: When it comes to you? I think we can both wait.

I meant to try to jokingly, playfully call him on it, and ask him what he meant, but I didn't..our IMs crossed.

orillia,

I think it shows much healing on your part that you are approaching this situation with caution. It's flattering to be found attractive, flattery is a powerful thing, and it's even more powerful when one finds that attraction in an intellectual equal. However, one does not have to act on that attraction.

You have a pretty good idea what you'd be setting yourself up for, should you become involved with the "interested" friend. You know what you'd be in store for, should you reconcile with your ex. I think you're wise to remain friends with the interested friend, and equally wise to proceed very slowly and cautiously with your ex.

I think he's BSing you about the email, and I think that's a chicken-**** thing to do. He either needs to admit that he got it and ignored it, sent it to spam, whatever.

I'm not saying that I think you should confront him over it; I just think it's one of those things to watch, as you move forward. Kind of a "give him enough rope, and he'll hang himself" thing.

MM
 

Azureth

Banned
Perhaps I was a bit overzealous, I was mainly just thinking about all the times women give men chance after chance and still end up being abused/hurt. Obviously he didn't take it this far, I just hope that orilla doesn't end up going through the same thing.
 

Azureth

Banned
That is exactly the way I see things.
And on that line of thought... why not be the next woman he meets? :D

I mean you spend months/years educating a man about the proper way to treat a woman and/or maintain a relationship and heck no, I wont let a "next woman" benefit from all that hard work. (The same can be said about us women, we learn from our partners and our mistakes).

Orillia, wait and see how things play out. Maybe he will show improvement.

That's great, but I'm curious, would you have done that with a same-age man?
 

MissMuffins

New member
That's great, but I'm curious, would you have done that with a same-age man?

Yup. In fact, I did it twice before I realized it wasn't worth the effort. People are who they are. You can love them either as they are, or as you'd like them to be. It's a whole lot easier to be with someone you love as they are, and vice-a-verse-a.

Someone else put it, "don't date 'potential'." True, that.

MM
 

SheLikesKitties

OW/YM 21YR GAP
That's great, but I'm curious, would you have done that with a same-age man?
Of course... and as I said, it is mutual. My husband also had to educate me in some aspects of my behavior. I mean, you (hopefully) learn from every relationship.

In my experience, finding good sex is relatively easy, finding good friends is harder, but not impossible, however, finding LOVE is like finding the needle in the haystack. So, if you find love, the kind of love that comes with belonging, loyalty, and trust, you should work on whatever other incompatibilities exist, simply to make life more pleasant, not to change the other person, just the way the couple works together.
 

orillia

New member
My ex made me feel that I belonged. He really did. I'm not saying we didn't have our problems. I would've been willing to work on them.

I feel like I need to ask him, does he have feelings for me. If not, I need to give up any hope of anything besides friendship. That's really what it boils down to, and what he gave me mixed messages about when we were together.

I don't care that he's ADHD. I don't care if he flirts with other women, just so long as he'd come home with me every night.

I love every hair on his self-deprecating yet simultaneously arrogant head. lol

Of course... and as I said, it is mutual. My husband also had to educate me in some aspects of my behavior. I mean, you (hopefully) learn from every relationship.

In my experience, finding good sex is relatively easy, finding good friends is harder, but not impossible, however, finding LOVE is like finding the needle in the haystack. So, if you find love, the kind of love that comes with belonging, loyalty, and trust, you should work on whatever other incompatibilities exist, simply to make life more pleasant, not to change the other person, just the way the couple works together.
 
G

gorillagirl

Guest
orilla,
from here on out, including next time you're with him (and you will likely be), you're the TOP. don't give him your power again. xoxoxox
 
V

VenusDarkStar

Guest
My ex made me feel that I belonged. He really did. I'm not saying we didn't have our problems. I would've been willing to work on them.

I feel like I need to ask him, does he have feelings for me. If not, I need to give up any hope of anything besides friendship. That's really what it boils down to, and what he gave me mixed messages about when we were together.

I don't care that he's ADHD. I don't care if he flirts with other women, just so long as he'd come home with me every night.

I love every hair on his self-deprecating yet simultaneously arrogant head. lol

Nobody writes so obsessively about another person unless he/she has deep feelings for him. I've seen you go back and forth on this guy for months, and I've never felt for one moment that it was over, or you wouldn't be talking about him still. You seem to know him very well, and still love him. I hope he grows to appreciate you, whether it be within a friendship or romantic love relationship. Either way, you deserve to know which road to take.

Happy trails. ^..^
 

orillia

New member
Thank you guys so much. Yes, I do feel like i know him, and I wish he would see that. And yeah, 4 months later, I still have very strong feelings for him.

I'm seeing him in about 5 hours. God I'm so nervous. I want to handle this correctly. I think I will let him make all the moves, if he indeed makes any.

gg, you're right. I need to be the top, if he does indeed want to get back with me. I call the shots.

After all, I'm the one who went out there and kept living my life for the last 4 months. I have guys interested in me. He needs to realize what an amazing catch I am and treat me appropriately. :)

Nobody writes so obsessively about another person unless he/she has deep feelings for him. I've seen you go back and forth on this guy for months, and I've never felt for one moment that it was over, or you wouldn't be talking about him still. You seem to know him very well, and still love him. I hope he grows to appreciate you, whether it be within a friendship or romantic love relationship. Either way, you deserve to know which road to take.

Happy trails. ^..^
 
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