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what to say if she says she's old?

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delboyV

Guest
My girlfirend is 19yrs older than me. She sometimes mentions she's old or even feel sorry about her age. I said her some things to cheer her up and not worry about it ( because I don't care and it's even an advantage that she's older - somehow young girls seem to be less attractive to me ), but she still keeps saying that.

Any ideas what can I say when she will mention her age as a problem again?

Adam
 
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Patricia

Guest
Hi, welcome to Ageless!

Why don't you tell your girlfriend to come here to Ageless? Then, she can see that there are many very cool people in Age Gap relationships and she can ask questions about her concerns.

She is lucky to have you as a boyfriend. You have a great attitude.

Good luck!
 
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ruthie

Guest
She might not be saying it to you

She's saying it to herself because she's trying to understand this herself.

Been there, done that, and still do it - although I try not to...
 

Sdoah1972

Freckle Face
The other day I mentioned to my YM that I wish I were younger for his sake (13 year age gap). He said, "I don't. Because we would have never met and if we had then I would have had to take a number." I thought it was pretty darn sweet. :p
 
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HeatherLynn

Guest
Very sweet thing to say, in fact the day my boyfriend says something like that I will feel pretty convinced this age thing is no biggy.

Nothing against him but he has yet to say something like that.
 
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Rand Ryan

Guest
be realistically simple *nods* you don't have to make it gushy and flowery. say, "I know. But that doesn't alter the fact that I love you."

Assuming that you love your partner.
 
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Charlotte

Every day is a new one.
delboyV said:
My girlfirend is 19yrs older than me. She sometimes mentions she's old or even feel sorry about her age. I said her some things to cheer her up and not worry about it ( because I don't care and it's even an advantage that she's older - somehow young girls seem to be less attractive to me ), but she still keeps saying that.

Any ideas what can I say when she will mention her age as a problem again?

Adam

I once said to my boyfriend while standing in the warm sun of spring and looking into each other's eyes on the shore of a lake (you don't forget these moments ;) ), "I'm glad you don't mind that I'm so old."

And he replied, "I'm glad you don't mind that I'm so young. " He held me at arm's length and looked me right in the eye and said, "I will never change my mind about being together with you, " and he kissed me.

Maybe next time your girlfriend apologizes for being so old you can tell her you're glad that she accepts you even though you're younger and that you are glad to be together with her.
 
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jeffy-weffy

Guest
delboyV said:
My girlfirend is 19yrs older than me. She sometimes mentions she's old or even feel sorry about her age. I said her some things to cheer her up and not worry about it ( because I don't care and it's even an advantage that she's older - somehow young girls seem to be less attractive to me ), but she still keeps saying that.

Any ideas what can I say when she will mention her age as a problem again?

Adam


Well what I do with my gf is give her lots of hugs and tickle her. And probably do something goofy like making her stuffed animals talk. Than afterwards say to her: If I was worried about your age, then why would I do this. After that start seducing her. I think she'll appreciate it
 
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gijoe

Guest
It could be the sign of a problem or it might not. But thoughts like that could be felt, suppressed and not expressed.

If you have a good relationship (I'll assume you do) then be happy that your partner is comunicating and giving you the chance to reassure her.

From my experience the o/w wimen I have been involved in have a lot more difficulty with the age than I do. This forum may suggest the same thing. (I blame imperial conditioning)
 

Kristin

New member
Did you pursue her? If so, just say with a chuckle, "If that bothered me, why the heck would I have worked so hard to get you?? I'm worried you might want to trade me in for a younger guy some day!!"

Jeremy said that to me and it made me feel a lot better!

And just keep reassuring her that she is the most beautiful and sexy woman you know (you have to actually feel this way). Women of all ages can be very insecure of their looks and we appreciate all of the reassurance we can get! :)
 
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Phillippides

Guest
My girlfriend constantly says that too, but I keep reminding her that she is young at heart, and that's what matters.
 
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Buffeaut

Guest
delboyV said:
My girlfirend is 19yrs older than me. She sometimes mentions she's old or even feel sorry about her age. I said her some things to cheer her up and not worry about it ( because I don't care and it's even an advantage that she's older - somehow young girls seem to be less attractive to me ), but she still keeps saying that.

Any ideas what can I say when she will mention her age as a problem again?

Adam

Welcome to ageless, Adam! My girlfriend is 19 years older than I am as well. She too mentions feeling old or the subject of her age at times.

My tact it to just be honest with her about my feelings. I remind her of how sexy her psychological and emotional maturity are. I remind her how I love her practicality, common sense and reasonable approach. I reming her how the lack of aforesaid traits in the women my age I have dated was a source of consternation for me.

Once I have reminded her of these things, I remind her of how young she looks, and how sweet she is.

A final thing is those situations where we meet elderly folks in public, and they say things reflecting how young they think we are, such as "you kids don't remember when"....If She does in fact remember, we acquire another situation that we remember fondly!
 
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Dan Echo

Guest
My lady is eighteen years older than I. She has the occasional worry about the age. I think some of it is a concern that the attraction to an older lady must be a novelty. It isn't, and there are no silver bullets to make her never worry about it. I can say that nearly two years of a deepening relationship and a lot of love showered upon her have gone further in easing her mind than any single statement could have. I guess that you need her to know that you love her for who she is, not what she is.

I do agree that it's an advantage that your lady is older. Ladies outlive gents by a good six to twelve years, so the practical age difference is not as much as you think. Plus, older ladies have a lot more going for them than their younger counterparts. Keep in mind that I did not set out to date an older lady; I just happened to fall in love with a very wonderful lady who just happened to be older. It wasn't her age that attracted me, but who she is as a person. In seeing her, however, I definitely must say that I really appreciate her age. Also, her age is a part of who she is. Were she younger, she would be a different person. We were all different people when we were younger. And if it's who she is that your in love with, than the age is a special part of that.

Dan Echo
 
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thoughtcriminal

Guest
great one

I once said to my boyfriend while standing in the warm sun of spring and looking into each other's eyes on the shore of a lake (you don't forget these moments ;) ), "I'm glad you don't mind that I'm so old."

And he replied, "I'm glad you don't mind that I'm so young. " He held me at arm's length and looked me right in the eye and said, "I will never change my mind about being together with you, " and he kissed me.

Maybe next time your girlfriend apologizes for being so old you can tell her you're glad that she accepts you even though you're younger and that you are glad to be together with her.

OMG ~ this is the PERFECT response....I think I would have melted into his arms instantly!
 
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ROSEBUD

Guest
More to it than meets the eye...

I feel this is a great topic for discussion on an OW/YM age-gap forum for many reasons. I'm 48 (today as a matter of fact) and okay...I admit I have this monumental crush on a 28 year old fella I've known for close to three years. We've socialize a bit, but through a mutual hobby we see each other about once a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. Anyhooo...even if this guy were interested in more, which at this point I'm not holding my breath...although I enjoy the fantasy of it and I know that many here on Ageless are in real relationships with this sort of age gap, there is a part of me (a big part) that hesitates with the idea of dating a 28 year old because frankly it's a lot of pressure on me.

My Ex-BF was only 1.5 years younger and while not a bad looking man, was maybe 20 pounds overweight, getting a few gray hairs, and yes, I looked younger and better than him (not to sound vain, although I suppose it does) and the pressure was off me to worry about my looks as much--although I definitely do take care of myself. And in our society, like it or not, women are judged much more on their looks and their ability to stay "youthful" looking than men are. Men can be "distinguished" and sexy. Women are not sexy when they are "distinguished"--not according to popular belief and like it or not popular belief affects us in deep-rooted ways even if we don't want to be or fight these beliefs. That's just the facts.

My 28 YM friend is better looking than me, younger looking than me and if truth be told would be considered quite a "catch" for a women his age or in the vicinity. If I were "with" him, I know people would be asking the question "Why HER?" (Probably even myself, which makes me hesitate to go further even if the opportunity were there...and I'm sure he senses this.) While I like to think I'm confident, strong, feel good about myself, etc., which for the most part I do....we are not completely immune to society's attitudes and behaviors. It can hurt and it can affect our self-esteem. So this worry or insecurity that a woman has about age is real, very real, and should not be viewed as simply a cry for reassurance from her mate, but something to be understood as a complex reality of being a woman in this society. Also, physical changes that begin to occur for a women are a very clear and dramatic reminder of getting older, which men do not experience in the same way.

For a man it could be something else...my 28 yo YM friend is very good looking with a nice body, but he has something that causes him insecurity...he is prematurely balding and it began probably in his teens. He usually keeps his head shaven or cut very short and I think it looks great, but the hair is pretty much gone on top quite a bit and for such a young man, I'm sure he was not happy about that when it started happening, and perhaps makes him insecure with women. If this man were to say something about his baldness, I would probably listen to his worries, tell him that despite the baldness I find him to be a very, very attractive man, but I would also probably tell him that I can understand how he feels and it's okay to feel a disappointment or self-consciousness about some things we have no control over.

As an OW, I think it's normal to be a bit self-conscious about looking clearly older than the man I am in a relationship with or married to. It's not what society expects and so we have to deal with the reactions and possible comments or even outright rejection or ridicule from people close to us or our man (parents, family, friends, coworkers, etc.).

More than vain attempts to make me "feel better" with comments about how sexy I am, I would want my YM to understand and accept that on occasion I will feel vulnerable and doubt myself and he will accept me that way--occasionally feeling insecure. Just as I would accept my YM for his insecurities (premature balding, inexperience, etc.)

I guess what I'm saying is that this is a real issue in an OW/YM relationship and shouldn't be brushed under the carpet...in an "Oh, it doesn't matter to me..." attitude. It's not really about whether it matters to the man or not, it's about what's going on inside the OW. Her acceptance of herself at her age (whatever it may be) and not feel like she has to eternally be "sexy" and look "good for her age" to be loved by a man, whatever age he may be.
 
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Alawiy

Guest
I'm 46, my fiance is 20. He's got the kind of looks that stop traffic and girls swoon over. I've NEVER had that kind of attention, even when I was his age.

I have always looked young for my age. I remember once being about 37 and some people honestly thinking I was a teenager. But as soon as I hit 40... man... I don't know what happened! That's when I started to have several sudden and extreme weight gains, my hair fell out at one time quite a lot, I started to get white hairs (which, strangely enough, goes back and forth from having more white hairs, to having fewer - not sure why), and from my fibromyalgia, or age, or both, everything started sagging. When someone looks at me, I may be smiling, but they may actually think I'm frowning because the facial muscles are just drooping so much. At least these are what I perceive so clearly about myself when I look in the mirror.

I have gotten so much older looking in the last year, too. I'm kind of upset at my fiance that he's not come to visit me yet after 8 months, and in this time I feel I have aged quite a lot.

On the other hand, my kids still think that I have a baby face, no wrinkles, and look very, very young. Old friends who see me say that I look great. Old boyfriends even, have been trying to resurface and have said I look hot and sexy.

I do not see this in myself. I guess that it is because I'm 46, so I am comparing myself to myself - at ages that are many decades apart from the other.

What I think I'm saying is... we women, especially if we're older than our partners, possibly have a longer stretch of years to have seen ourselves change and so see the changes more dramatically than do the men.

I have been feeling down and bad about myself lately though... I feel really old (and I'm about to have another birthday, too). To me, 46 or 47 may just as well be 50 which at least to me in my situation sounds REALLY old (I mean - compared to "20" which my fiance is).

I want that reassurance from him so badly that he's not going to change his feelings when he sees me in person. I am so needing that reassurance that I'm to the point of almost breaking things off with him because I'm afraid when he does finally see me, I'll be so obviously "old" compared to him, that he'll be disgusted.

But I melt every time he says he loves me, and that he knows his feelings won't ever change and have not changed.

Besides things like what others have already said above, he told me this once which reassured me: He said, "I love your eyes, you know - and eyes never change. You'll have the same eyes, no matter how old you get. They are unlike any other I've seen - they shine, they sparkle - that won't ever change and I'll be able to look at them my whole life."

The most insecurity I have is about how "soft" and flabby my body is becoming. I just can't get that "hard body" anymore, no matter how hard I try now. I'm afraid that is just going to be disgusting to him even though I myself think it's really kind of nice.

Sorry for the long post. I guess the short of it is - be understanding that an older woman NATURALLY is going to have feelings of insecurity. Don't make it a "fault" or a "shortcoming" she has, and do try to reassure her (but only sincerely and genuinely) whenever you can.
 
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miu

Guest
I'm 46, my fiance is 20. He's got the kind of looks that stop traffic and girls swoon over. I've NEVER had that kind of attention, even when I was his age.

I have always looked young for my age. I remember once being about 37 and some people honestly thinking I was a teenager. But as soon as I hit 40... man... I don't know what happened! That's when I started to have several sudden and extreme weight gains, my hair fell out at one time quite a lot, I started to get white hairs (which, strangely enough, goes back and forth from having more white hairs, to having fewer - not sure why), and from my fibromyalgia, or age, or both, everything started sagging. When someone looks at me, I may be smiling, but they may actually think I'm frowning because the facial muscles are just drooping so much. At least these are what I perceive so clearly about myself when I look in the mirror.
Alawiy - You must try to laugh more! I am 48 and when I met my YM 3 years ago, I feel that I looked very young then, especially when I look at the pictures of me from then and a year earlier. I was spending time with a lot of 20 year olds and them thinking I was in my late 20's or early 30's. But what is key to those pictures is that I was very happy back then and always laughing.

I feel I looked older previously to this period to that as my old boyfriend used to make me cranky and stressed out. Friends from the earlier period feel that out of all of their friends, I am actually aging in reverse and looking younger now.

So as I look at myself today. Well I just have to work a little harder to stay looking young. I need to lose a little weight around my waist (why is it that when I am in a relationship I gain weight?). I also try very hard to stay out of the sun. In the last few years, getting too much sun will leave me with age spots. So I wear a hat in the garden religiously. For makeup, with me less makeup makes me look younger. I have discovered how wonderful tinted moisturizer is to use as a foundation. No caking, my skin gets mosturized and it's also a sunblock! I'm getting white hairs now, but disguise them with a streak of blonde hair coloring in the front. Empire waisted dresses are my friend. However, the best way to stay looking youthful is to laugh more.

Back on topic, delboyV what about if you take your OW to a natural history museum? My YM and I talk about our age differences, but when I say that I wish that I were younger, my YM will say that it took time for me to be this wonderful. And it's true, I was a different person at his age. So back to the museum, well my YM and I watch a lot of science shows. So we will ponder how old the universe is or the age of a dinosaur fossil skeleton. So in the big picture, we are really not at all far apart in age. And not only that, we feel so lucky that our lives have overlapped at all. What also helps is that as atheists, we don't believe in a heaven, but we like to think that when we die, our spirits will be able to float up and if we wish, we can go visit other galaxies etc... So we often refer to each other as "forever partners." I also promise to live healthier, I've started to ride a bicycle (carefully) around my neighborhood, I eat raw nuts and more salmon. So go up to that dinosaur skeleton and say "now that's OLD!" :)
 
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Alawiy

Guest
Alawiy - You must try to laugh more! I am 48 and when I met my YM 3 years ago, I feel that I looked very young then, especially when I look at the pictures of me from then and a year earlier. I was spending time with a lot of 20 year olds and them thinking I was in my late 20's or early 30's. But what is key to those pictures is that I was very happy back then and always laughing.

I feel I looked older previously to this period to that as my old boyfriend used to make me cranky and stressed out. Friends from the earlier period feel that out of all of their friends, I am actually aging in reverse and looking younger now.

So as I look at myself today. Well I just have to work a little harder to stay looking young. I need to lose a little weight around my waist (why is it that when I am in a relationship I gain weight?). I also try very hard to stay out of the sun. In the last few years, getting too much sun will leave me with age spots. So I wear a hat in the garden religiously. For makeup, with me less makeup makes me look younger. I have discovered how wonderful tinted moisturizer is to use as a foundation. No caking, my skin gets mosturized and it's also a sunblock! I'm getting white hairs now, but disguise them with a streak of blonde hair coloring in the front. Empire waisted dresses are my friend. However, the best way to stay looking youthful is to laugh more.

Back on topic, what about if you take your OW to a natural history museum? My YM and I talk about our age differences, but when I say that I wish that I were younger, my YM will say that it took time for me to be this wonderful. And it's true, I was a different person at his age. So back to the museum, well my YM and I watch a lot of science shows. So we will ponder how old the universe is or the age of a dinosaur fossil skeleton. So in the big picture, we are really not at all far apart in age. And not only that, we feel so lucky that our lives have overlapped at all. What also helps is that as atheists, we don't believe in a heaven, but we like to think that when we die, our spirits will be able to float up and if we wish, we can go visit other galaxies etc... So we often refer to each other as "forever partners." I also promise to live healthier, I've started to ride a bicycle (carefully) around my neighborhood, I eat raw nuts and more salmon. So go up to that dinosaur skeleton and say "now that's old!" :)

I agree and identify 100%!

I know I'm looking older, much older now, because of so much stress in my life right now.

I am going to get some of that tinted moisturizer! that sounds great. I hate to wear make up nowadays. I bought some new stuff last year and I swear after I used it, I looked 10 years older. I went back to using a blend of shea butter, olive oil, nigella sativa oil, and... that's it! (The shea is a natural sun block, too). I also stay out of the sun. I complain all the time about living here in this foggy area of the bay area. We have the distinction of living in the one city in the entire world that gets, supposedly, the fewest sunny days. I try to often look at that as a blessing - it's cold and foggy - I'm being "preserved" for good times ahead! LOL

I do love the summer though. I used to always have better looking skin, and was feelling much healthier, when I lived in the warmer, more humid climates.

I will have to laugh more. I do actually laugh a lot with the kids - maybe that's why they say I look so young. They are seeing me mostly smiling and laughing.

You reminded me that my fiance and I have also had the conversations of the age of things - things being ancient, and how, in the big picture of things, we're not so far apart in age! If you just look at the number "28" years age difference, it can make you focus on the "older" age of yourself. But if you're looking at the fact that we're both living in 2007 and experiencing the same things now - we're in the same "age" of the universe!

Thanks for reminding me of all this!

PS: Our religion also incorporates the belief in a life after this one where partners and companions are together ("pure" companions") that are not contained in any location. Heaven in our religious belief, can only be described allegorically. Perhaps one "day" we'll meet you in your ethereal travels :)
 
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miu

Guest
My excuse for dieting slowly is that I've noticed that sudden weight loss leads to sagging skin. I joke that having some fat keeps out the wrinkles!

MY YM loves my laugh and smile. At least once a week, as we talk in bed, we have some great laughs about our pets or something else. Mentally, we've created a cartoon strip around them!

His mom got remarried two years ago. Being a generous woman, she invited me along with her daughters to have my makeup done at a MAC counter. I hated it so much and I felt so old looking! The foundation accentuated the fine lines on my face. Never again. lol For tinted foundation, I use both the Lancome and the Laura Mercier brands. I found them discounted on eBay. I just dab and blend over my spots and vulnerable areas.

I think that also what helps looking younger is having a less styled hairdo. I leave my hair long and tied back. It's also in part due to my being cheap about going to hair salons. I also am in jeans and t-shirts a lot at home. Oh yes, sneaker! I find wearing high heels very painful... and pain is aging! I don't know how other women do it.

delboyV - I also treat my YM as my complete adult equal. In the beginning, he was overly sensitive to any of my remarks that could be construed as my patronizing him, but now he is most happy knowing that we are on equal footing as people. In your situation, make sure that your attitude to your OW is that she is your equal adult partner and don't be afraid to take charge sometimes. Ask for her advice just as you would of one of your friends your own age.
 
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Alawiy

Guest
My excuse for dieting slowly is that I've noticed that sudden weight loss leads to sagging skin. I joke that having some fat keeps out the wrinkles!

MY YM loves my laugh and smile. At least once a week, as we talk in bed, we have some great laughs about our pets or something else. Mentally, we've created a cartoon strip around them!

His mom got remarried two years ago. Being a generous woman, she invited me along with her daughters to have my makeup done at a MAC counter. I hated it so much and I felt so old looking! The foundation accentuated the fine lines on my face. Never again. lol For tinted foundation, I use both the Lancome and the Laura Mercier brands. I found them discounted on eBay. I just dab and blend over my spots and vulnerable areas.

I think that also what helps looking younger is having a less styled hairdo. I leave my hair long and tied back. It's also in part due to my being cheap about going to hair salons. I also am in jeans and t-shirts a lot at home. Oh yes, sneaker! I find wearing high heels very painful... and pain is aging! I don't know how other women do it.

delboyV - I also treat my YM as my complete adult equal. In the beginning, he was overly sensitive to any of my remarks that could be construed as my patronizing him, but now he is most happy knowing that we are on equal footing as people. In your situation, make sure that your attitude to your OW is that she is your equal adult partner and don't be afraid to take charge sometimes. Ask for her advice just as you would of one of your friends your own age.

We're a lot alike, miu! I also live in jeans (if I can stand to wear anything at all... wait, that didn't sound right). Tight clothing irritates my skin, so I like to wear as little as possible. Normally, that's a big long, loose T-shirt and nothing else if I don't have to go anywhere. If I'll be going somewhere, I'll wear jeans if I can.... loose jeans and I like tunic length shirts if I can find them.

I love being barefooted, too. I don't like wearing high heels anymore either, but I will sometimes. I know with all the interviews and having to make the best impression at the temp jobs I've been sent on, I have worn nice suits with some heels, and "my dogs are barkin'" by the end of the day! Hate it!

I also noticed the same thing you did about wearing the make up - it just accentuates the lines and makes me look older. When I wear make up now, I put it on just minimally. Also, I too noticed that if you lose too much weight quickly, or excessively, you look more sagging and wrinkled. Sometimes when I'm upset about my weight gains I have to admit - the wrinkles disappear!

I have seen wrinkles on my face come and go though. So it must be the case that they are made more prominent by some things, and can be reversed by other things.

And I do the same with my hair (for the same reasons, too) LOL
 
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